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This article was co-written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a licensed clinical psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City that focuses on relationship issues, stress management, and career coaching. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University and is the author of the Amazon bestseller, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 36,055 times.
Helping an angry person calm down requires a lot of patience. When someone is feeling “bloody”, hearing the words “calm down” can make the situation worse. Being a good listener and distraction can be quite helpful. However, when the other person’s anger can easily explode or become unpredictable, you should stay away from the person instead of trying to use reason with them. If the angry person doesn’t accept your apology, it’s probably best to give them space and leave.
Steps
Maintain composure
- One way to maintain composure is to get rid of your ego and not take things personally. [1] X Research Source Knapp, H. (2007). Therapy in Communication: Developing Professional Skills. Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publishers. It’s natural to respond to an angry person by defending yourself or your reputation, but it’s important to remember that you won’t be able to reason with an angry person until he or she isn’t. calm down. [2] X Research Source
- If the conversation seems to be diverting to a past event, you can say something like, “We can talk about it later. I think for now, we should focus on what’s bothering you and find a solution to this problem. Let’s solve each problem one by one.”
- Allowing others to vent and fall victim to abusive behavior are two completely different things. If the person is berating you, calling you bad things, or taking out your anger on you, you should say something like, “I know you’re upset and I want to help you. But please don’t take your anger out on me.”
Lower the person’s anger
- However, if you don’t feel that you were wrong, you don’t have to apologize just to appease the person.
- An effective apology might be, “I’m so sorry I used my retirement savings on a vacation home in Hawaii. I don’t know what I was thinking. I understand why you are angry. Let’s find a solution to the problem together.”
- Of course, sometimes angry people don’t want to be questioned, and they may feel so angry that they don’t believe that other people really understand their feelings. All you can do is do your best; If the person isn’t ready to confess, don’t force them.
- An example of acknowledging someone else’s feelings is saying something like “it must be hard” or “I understand why you’re upset”.
- Sayings that aren’t really helpful include “Just let it go” or “I’ve been through the same thing and I got over it.”
- To be able to empathize with the person who is angry, you should try to explain the source of their anger. You might say, “So, you’re angry because you think you have to do all the housework by yourself, aren’t you?”
- You tend to say “I know how you’re feeling,” but you should understand that saying this can sometimes add to your anger. They often believe that no one can truly understand how they feel.
- If you think someone needs some alone time, you can say, “I know you’re upset, but I can’t seem to make you happier. I think you need some alone time. I’m always by your side if you want to talk.”
Looking for a solution
- In many cases, you won’t be able to reason with the angry person this way. You should assess the situation and determine if you should wait until the person is calm enough to listen to active reasoning.
Know when to withdraw
- Physical threats (whether or not actual violence is committed)
- Makes you feel guilty
- Cursing or belittling you
- Sexual control or coercion [20] X Research Source
- Are you afraid to make that person angry?
- The person mocks you, criticizes you, or humiliates you
- The person has a violent and unpredictable attitude
- The person blames you for their violent behavior
- The person threatens to harm you
This article was co-written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a licensed clinical psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City that focuses on relationship issues, stress management, and career coaching. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University and is the author of the Amazon bestseller, Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 36,055 times.
Helping an angry person calm down requires a lot of patience. When someone is feeling “bloody”, hearing the words “calm down” can make the situation worse. Being a good listener and distraction can be quite helpful. However, when the other person’s anger can easily explode or become unpredictable, you should stay away from the person instead of trying to use reason with them. If the angry person doesn’t accept your apology, it’s probably best to give them space and leave.
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