How to Apologize

Apologizing is a way for you to show remorse for doing something wrong and improve the relationship after doing it. Hurt people forgive when they want to mend their relationship with the person who caused the pain. ^{[1] X Research Source Bachman, GF, & Guerrero, LK (2006). Forgiveness, appogy, and communicative responses to hurtful events. Communication Reports, 19(1), 45-56.} A good apology conveys three meanings: regret, responsibility, and compensation. ^{[2] X Research Resources} Apologizing for doing something wrong may seem overwhelming, but it will help you heal and improve your relationships with others.

Table of Contents

Before Saying Sorry

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Get rid of the “right and wrong” thinking. Controversy over the details of an incident involving more than one person is often uncomfortable, because it is highly subjective. The way we experience and understand situations is completely different, and it is possible for two people to experience the same situation very differently. An apology needs to accept the truth about the other person’s feelings, whether you think they’re “right” or not. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

For example, imagine that you go to the movies without your other half. The person feels abandoned and hurt. Instead of arguing about whether she/he feels that way is “right” or wrong or if it’s wrong or “right” for you to go out, accept that he/she feels hurt when you apologize. .

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Use the “I” clause. One of the most common mistakes when apologizing is using the “you” clause instead of “I”. When you apologize, you must accept responsibility for your actions. Don’t pass that responsibility on to the other person. Focus on what you do and avoid speaking as if you’re blaming the person. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

For example, a common but ineffective way of apologizing is to say “I’m sorry you were hurt” or “I’m sorry you felt sad”. An apology isn’t about apologizing for the other person’s feelings. It needs to acknowledge your responsibility. Apologies like that don’t help – they just push the blame onto the hurt person. ^{[5] X Research Sources}^{[6] X Research Sources}
Instead, focus on you. Sayings like “I’m sorry I hurt you” or “I’m sorry my actions made you sad” will show that you’re responsible for the hurt you’ve caused, and not for you. seems to be blaming the other person.

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Avoid making excuses for your actions. It’s perfectly normal for you to want to justify your actions when explaining them to others. However, this often makes the apology lose its meaning, because the other person will see it as a sincere apology. ^{[7] X Research Sources Greene, JO, & Burleson, BR (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychpogy Press.}

Making excuses can include asserting that the person you hurt misunderstood you, like “you got it wrong” or denying the hurt, like “it wasn’t that bad” or giving you reasons do it like “I’m so devastated so I have no choice”.

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Use excuses carefully. An apology can show that you have no intention or intention to harm the person. This can be helpful in affirming to the person that you really care about them and are not trying to hurt them. However, you must be very careful that the reason for your actions does not turn into an excuse for the harm you have caused. ^{[8] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

Examples of defense include denying your intentions, like “I didn’t mean to hurt you” or “It was unintentional” or negating your wishes like “I was drunk and I I don’t know what I said.” Use these words carefully, and make sure you always first acknowledge the hurt you’ve caused before giving any excuses for your actions. ^{[9] X Research Sources Greene, JO, & Burleson, BR (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychpogy Press.}
The chance that the hurt person will forgive you if you apologize is higher than in defense. He/she will usually forgive you if you apologize and accept responsibility, acknowledge the hurt, understand what is right behavior, and make sure to act appropriately in the future. ^{[10] X Research Sources Greene, JO, & Burleson, BR (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychpogy Press.}

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Avoid using the word “but”. An apology that includes the word “but” is almost never considered an apology. ^{[11] X Research Sources} Because the word “but” is still often seen as a “tool to erase the spoken word”. It will change the focus of the apology – which is admitting responsibility and showing remorse – to defending yourself. When people hear the word “but,” they tend to stop listening. All they hear from it is ” but this is really all your fault”. ^{[12] X Research Source}

For example, don’t say something like, “I’m sorry, but I’m tired.” This emphasizes that you’re sorry for what you did, rather than focusing your remorse on hurting the other person.
Instead, say, “I’m sorry I got mad at you. I know it hurt. I was so tired at the time and I said things that I now deeply regret.”

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Consider the other person’s needs and personality. Research has shown that “self-reflection” can affect how a person accepts your apology. In other words, the way the person sees himself or herself toward you and others will influence how best to apologize to them. ^{[13] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

For example there are some people who are quite independent and they value things like rights and interests. These people will often be inclined to accept an apology that offers a specific way to correct the mistake.
For those who value personal relationships with others, they may be inclined to accept an apology that shows empathy and remorse.
Some people attach great importance to social norms and standards and always consider themselves part of society. Such people will often accept an apology that admits to breaking certain rules or values.
If you don’t know the person well, mix things up a bit. These apologies tend to admit you’re apologizing for what’s most important to the other person.

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Write down your apology, if you want. If you’re having a hard time finding the words to apologize, consider writing down your feelings. This helps you ensure that you are expressing the right words and feelings. Take your time and organize exactly why you feel the need to apologize and what you will do to not make the same mistake again.

If you’re worried you’ll become too emotional, you can bring that note with you. Maybe the other person will appreciate it when you put so much effort into preparing your apology.
If you’re worried you’ll mess things up, consider asking a close friend for help. You also shouldn’t practice so much that your apology becomes awkward and stiff. However, it will still be helpful to practice apologizing to others and asking for their feedback on it. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Sorry Right Time and Right Place

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Find the right time. Even if you already feel regret at the moment, an apology won’t work if it comes in the middle of a sensitive moment. For example, if the two of you are still arguing, your apology won’t work. Because it is difficult to listen to others when we are filled with negative emotions. ^{[15] X Research Sources Bachman, GF, & Guerrero, LK (2006). Forgive, apologize, and respond to hurtful events. Communication Reports, 19(1), 45-56.} Wait until both of you have calmed down before apologizing.

Plus, if you apologize while your emotions are running high, you may have trouble expressing your sincerity. Waiting until you’ve calmed down will help you get what you want to say and make sure your apology is complete and meaningful. But don’t wait too long. Waiting days or weeks to apologize can also make things worse. ^{[16] X Research Source}
In a work environment, it’s better to apologize as soon as possible. This will help limit interruptions in your work.

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Let’s meet and say sorry. It’s a lot easier to show sincerity when you meet face-to-face to apologize. There are many ways we can communicate without using words such as body language, facial expressions and gestures. ^{[17] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source} Whenever possible, apologize directly.

If you can’t apologize in person, use the phone. Your tone of voice will help show that you’re being honest.

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Choose a quiet and private place to say sorry. Apologizing is often a personal act. Finding a quiet and private place to apologize will help you focus on the other person and avoid distractions.

Choose a place that feels comfortable and make sure you have enough time so you don’t have to rush.

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Make sure you have enough time to talk fully. A hasty apology usually won’t work. ^{[18] X Research Sources} Because an apology needs to show certain things. You must fully admit the mistake, explain what happened, show remorse, and show that you will act differently in the future. ^{[19] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

You should choose a time when you don’t feel rushed or pressured. If you’re thinking about other things you have to do, you won’t focus on the apology and the other person will feel it.

Say sorry

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Be open and non-threatening. This type of communication is known as “unified communication” and involves discussing issues openly in a relaxed manner to reach a common agreement, otherwise known as “agreement”. ^{[20] X Research Sources Bachman, GF, & Guerrero, LK (2006). Forgive, apologize, and respond to hurtful events. Communication Reports, 19(1), 45-56.} This method of communication has been proven to have lasting positive effects on relationships. ^{[21] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

For example, if the person you hurt tries to repeat past actions that they believe are related to your mistake, let him/her do the talking. Wait a moment before you answer. Consider what the other person has to say and try to see things from the other person’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Don’t curse, yell, or insult the other person.

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Use body language openly and humbly. The gesture communication you use when apologizing is just as important as what you say, if not more. Avoid stooping or slouching as it shows that you’re not open to the conversation. ^{[22] X Research Source}

Make eye contact while speaking and listening. Try to do it at least 50% of the time you speak and 70% of the time you listen.
Avoid crossing your arms. This is a sign that you are defensive and not open to the other person.
Try to keep your face relaxed. You don’t have to force a smile, but if your face is cranky or grimy, take a moment to relax your facial muscles.
Feel free to relax your hands instead of gripping them if you want to express yourself with gestures.
If the other person is standing close to you and that is appropriate, touch to convey emotion. Hugging or lightly touching an arm or hand can show how much the other person means to you. ^{[23] X Research Sources}

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Indicate that you regret. Show your empathy for the other person. Acknowledge the hurt and damage you have caused. Acknowledging the other person’s feelings is completely right and appropriate. ^{[24] X Research Sources}

Research has shown that apologies motivated by guilt or shame are more likely to be accepted by the hurt person. In contrast, pity apologies will often not be accepted because they sound insincere. ^{[25] X Research Resources Hareli, S., & Eisikovits, Z. (2006). The role of social emotions in communication comes with an apology to expect forgiveness. Motivation and Emotions, 30(3), 189-197.}
For example, you could begin your apology by saying, “I hurt you yesterday. I feel so bad for hurting you.”

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Accept responsibility. When you accept responsibility, speak as clearly as possible. Specific apologies are often more meaningful to the other person because they show that you care about hurting him/her. ^{[26] X Research Source}^{[27] X Research Source}

Try to avoid being too general. Saying something like “You suck” is not true and it is not directed at a specific action or situation. Being too general makes problem-solving out of reach; you can’t change a “bad guy” as easily as you can change someone “who doesn’t care about other people’s needs”.
For example, continue the apology by specifically pointing out what caused the hurt, “I’m so sorry for hurting you yesterday. I feel so bad for having done that to you. hurt me. You shouldn’t have been harsh on me just because I was late to pick you up .”

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Figure out how you will remedy the situation. Apologies will be most successful if you offer some suggestions on how you would change in the future or make up for the hurt in some way. ^{[28] X Research Sources}

Find the problem deep inside, explain it to the other person without blaming anyone, and tell him or her what you plan to do to solve the problem so you won’t make the same mistake. that mistake in the future. ^{[29] X Research Sources}
For example, “I’m so sorry for hurting you yesterday. I feel so bad for hurting you. I shouldn’t have been harsh on you just because you came to pick me up. later. I’ll think more carefully before I speak .”

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Listen to the other person. Maybe the other person will want to express their feelings to you. She/he may still be upset and have some questions for you. Do your best to stay calm and open-minded. ^{[30] X Research Source}

If the other person is still upset with you, he/she will act in an unfriendly way. If the other person yells at you or insults you, these negative emotions can make them unwilling to forgive you. ^{[31] X Research Sources Bachman, GF, & Guerrero, LK (2006). The role of social emotions in communication comes with an apology to expect forgiveness. Motivation and Emotions, 19(1), 45-56.} You can take a break from talking or try to steer the conversation to a more beneficial topic.
To take a break from talking, show your empathy to the other person and give them a choice. Try to avoid acting like you’re blaming the other person. For example, “You obviously hurt me and it seems like I’m still upset about it now. Should we stop for a moment? I want to understand what you’re saying. But I also want you to feel more comfortable.”
To redirect negative conversation, try to focus on specific behaviors the other person wants you to do instead of what you actually do. For example, if the other person says something like “I never respected you!” you can respond by asking, “What can I do to make you feel respected in the future?” or “How do you expect me to act next time?”

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End with gratitude. Express your gratitude for the other person’s role in your life, emphasizing that you don’t want to jeopardize or ruin the relationship. This is the time to summarize what has created and maintain a bond between the two of you over time and tell them you truly love them. Describe how empty your life would be without their trust and presence. ^{[32] X Research Source}

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Patient. If an apology isn’t accepted, thank the other person for listening and leave it open in case they want to talk about it later. For example, “I understand you’re still upset about it, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to say sorry. If you have any second thoughts, just give me a call.” Sometimes they really want to forgive you, but they still need some time to calm down. ^{[33] X Research Sources}

Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn’t mean they have completely forgiven you. It will take time, possibly a long time, before the other person can completely ignore and trust you again. There’s almost nothing you can do to speed up this process, but there are plenty of ways you can make it sink. If the other person is really important to you, give them the time and space they need to heal. Don’t expect them to return to normal behavior right away.

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Keep comments. A sincere apology will either include a solution or show that you are willing to fix the problem. You promised to try to work things out, and you must deliver on your promise to prove that your apology is genuine and complete. Otherwise your apology will lose its meaning and trust will completely disappear.

From time to time, try probing the other person. For example, after a few weeks have passed, you could ask, “I know my actions a few weeks ago hurt you and I really tried to make things better. You see that. any?” ^{[34] X Research Source}

Advice

Sometimes, a failed apology can bring back an earlier argument that you want to fix. Be very careful not to argue about anything again or bring up old wounds. Always remember, apologizing doesn’t mean that what you said was completely wrong or incorrect – it means that you are very sorry that your words hurt the other person and you want to fix the relationship. system of both.
Even if you feel like the argument was partly caused by the other person’s misinterpretation, don’t try to take the blame while apologizing. If you believe that better communication will help improve things between the two of you, you can mention that as part of how you will make sure that argument doesn’t happen again.
If possible, pull the other person aside so you can apologize when it’s just the two of you. Not only will this reduce the chances of someone else influencing the other person’s decisions, but it will also help you feel less stressed. However, if you insult the other person in public and make him/her lose face, your apology may be more effective if you speak in public.
After apologizing, give yourself some time and try to think of a better way you could have handled the situation. Always remember, part of an apology is a commitment to be a better person. That way, the next time a similar situation occurs, you’ll be ready to handle things in a way that won’t hurt anyone.
If the other person is willing to talk to you about a solution, see this as an opportunity. For example, if you forget your spouse’s birthday or your anniversary, you might decide to organize another evening and make it more romantic and wonderful. This doesn’t mean you can forget again, but it does show that you’re willing to try to change things for the better.
One apology will often lead to another, whether it’s from your friend for something you feel guilty about or from the other person because they realize the argument is on both sides. Be prepared to forgive.
First, wait until the other person cools down, the cup of tea (once stirred) will need to wait a while to return to normal. Humans, too, will still feel upset so they may not be ready to forgive yet.

Steps

Before Saying Sorry

Sorry Right Time and Right Place

Say sorry

Advice

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