How to Forget the Past

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This article was co-written by Catherine Boswell, PhD. Catherine Boswell is a psychologist and co-founder of Psynergy Psychpogical Associates, a private therapy facility in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups of patients, couples and families with trauma, relationship problems, and trauma. in life. She holds a doctorate in counseling psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell teaches master’s degree students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.

There are 22 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.

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Negative events in the past can make your present life difficult. Sad memories can make it hard for you to sleep or get over them. There will come a time when you have to let go of the past if you don’t want to affect your future. And of course we will always keep the past in the way we think, talk and perceive the world. Controlling this is like walking a rope with no end in sight. By taking the following steps one step at a time and thinking more openly, you will be able to accept the past as a part of who you are. You will be able to let go of bad habits that bind you to unfulfilled dreams or unfulfilled promises.

Table of Contents

Accepting the Influence of Past Experiences

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Accept past challenges. Unresolved past experiences can sometimes have long-term psychophysiological effects. In such a case, it is extremely important to accept that your past is influencing your current attitudes or habits.

The first important step is to stop trying to pretend that you are unaffected by your past. You won’t be able to get over the past until you accept it. If something happens that reminds you of a traumatic event or provokes a strong emotional response, try to calmly accept that things are as they are. Let yourself feel what you think about the past. The next steps in this article will provide some specific strategies to help with this process.
For example, if you’re in a crowded place and there’s something that makes you feel strongly about your past, don’t try to brush it off. Instead, ask for permission and leave the crowd. Then take some time to reflect on the past and how it affects you before rejoining everyone.
The effects of past trauma can be especially powerful if you don’t have a social support network. ^{[1] X Trusted Source International DOI Foundation (IDF) Go to Source}
Sometimes, the trauma caused by a past experience can be so great that it affects the people you care about. ^{[2] X Research Sources Van der Kpk, B. (2014). The Body That Matters Most: Brain, Mind, and Body in Injury Treatment (first edition). New York: Vikings.} Unresolved past experiences can prevent you from building relationships with those you love. They can also keep you preoccupied with dreams that never come true. This will gradually affect your current attitudes and habits by making it harder to cope with life’s difficulties. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

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Understand how damage affects the brain. Traumatic or particularly powerful experiences can affect our nervous system. Sometimes this can even affect the structure of the brain.

If you find yourself just “getting over it,” remind yourself that reality is a lot more complicated than that. Traumatic events can actually change the way the brain works. This takes a long time to get through, so give it time and try to be patient.
Recent research in neurobiology indicates that the brain has a certain “plasticity”. Genetic predispositions can be altered and manifest in unpredictable ways after high-impact experiences. ^{[4] X Research Source} In other words, your brain can change. It is a result of your genes as well as your experience.
The psychophysiological effects of past experiences can seem very difficult to overcome and integrate into your life. However, remember that your body and brain are constantly reorganizing based on new experiences. ^{[5] X Research Resources Malabou, C. (2012). New Injury: From Dysfunction to Brain Destruction. (S. Miller, Translation.) (First Edition). New York: Fordham University Press.} Your brain and body have changed and will continue to change. You can turn that change into a positive change.

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Accept that you can’t change what happened, you can only change the way you see it. You can’t go back in time, but you can change the way you perceive and process it from now on. ^{[6] X Source of Research} Otherwise, your wounded self will carry the emotional pain of past experiences into your new relationships.

Your efforts should be directed towards accepting the past and forgiving those who have done bad things to you. ^{[7] X Research Source} Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you have about your past. Then try to let go of this feeling. ^{[8] X Research Sources}
When you’re angry or upset about the past, try to remind yourself that clinging to negative emotions will only hurt you more. No matter how angry you are, you can’t change what happened. Accept your feelings. Then look deep within yourself to find compassion that will help you forgive the person who hurt you and gain the strength to let go of the past. ^{[9] X Research Source}
This process will be time consuming and different for each person. The other steps in the article will help you through this process.
Dwelling on the past can cause problems that you may not be aware of on your own.

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Try meditation or yoga. There are a few activities called physical exercise that can help you accept the past. For example, meditation and yoga can help you develop your own processing skills. These activities help you become more sensitive to how emotions affect different parts of your body. ^{[10] X Research Sources NurrieStearns, M., & NurrieStearns, R. (2013). Yoga for Emotional Vulnerability: Meditation and Practice to Heal and Endure Pain (first edition). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.}

Yoga will be learned most effectively under the guidance of a professional trainer. If you’ve never tried it before, go online and see if there’s a free or low-cost basic class where you live. There are many affordable places you can use to try yoga and see if it’s right for you.
Meditation is an activity you can easily do yourself at home. Find a comfortable place to sit cross-legged and put your hands on your lap. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. If your mind is distracted, slowly refocus on your breathing. Try playing an instructional CD or MP3 file to help you with your meditation. ^{[11] X Research Source}
Practice will give you the time and psychological space to identify your own emotions related to past experiences. In doing so, they allow you to notice and process through the influence that comes in your behavior and thought processes. ^{[12] X Research Source Siegel, DJ (2010). Eyewitness: The New Science of Personal Transformation (Reprint). New York: Bantam.}

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Write diary. Write about everyday events in your life, or about the past. This is a great way to get over difficult emotions. ^{[13] X Trusted Source International DOI Foundation (IDF) Go to Source}

Start the evening by listing the events you experienced throughout the day. You don’t even have to write them in narrative form. Try not to think too complicated about it; Keep your mind at ease and only write down what feels natural to you. This will help you get comfortable with journaling.
It will be easier if journaling develops into a habit. At this point, you can start writing about past experiences that come to mind as you write.
Focus on your feelings and thoughts. The most important thing is to show who you are, not to tell an interesting story. ^{[14] X Research Source}
Journaling sad past events can help you accept them and make them less intrusive in your daily life. Writing to express emotions is beneficial both mentally and physically. It helps you process emotions as well as overcome erratic sleep patterns. ^{[15] X Research Source}
This type of activity can be time-consuming and labor-intensive, but it can be highly effective if you let it unfold on its own.

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Spend time with people. Unresolved past experiences can sometimes make it impossible to trust others. This makes it difficult for you to build a healthy relationship. However, the social support system may be the most important factor in healing the effects of bad past experiences. ^{[16] X Research Source}

It’s important to feel supported instead of afraid around others so take it easy first; maybe just meeting some new friends and going out for coffee.
Volunteering can be a great way to help you become more comfortable interacting with others again. This makes you even more comfortable with your own hurt when you see what other people go through.

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Seek help from an expert. If you’ve ever felt unbearable or completely out of control, consider getting help from a professional. If the problem you’re dealing with doesn’t go away or doesn’t improve after following the steps above, talk to a counselor or therapist. ^{[17] X Research Source}

There are times when past experiences can be so painful that you need to get support from someone who has had experience in helping people like you before. This is why we need counselors and therapists.
If you don’t know how to find the right one, you can talk to your healthcare provider who can refer you to a specialist.
Your insurance policy may cover certain visits with mental health professionals. Check out the details of your policy terms to learn more.

Create New Habits

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Rate your social circle. Consider ending relationships with friends who have immersed you in the past. The social environment we live in is an essential part of who we are. ^{[18] X Casey Research Source , ES (2009). Back to Place, Second Edition: Towards a New Understanding of the Place of Life (Second Edition). Bloomington: Indiana University Press.} It also affects how we integrate past unresolved experiences with our present lives.

Take time to think (or maybe journal) about the people you spend time with and the feelings they make for you. If there are people in your life who make you feel bad or add to your bad habits, consider spending less time with them.
For example, the person who criticizes you often should not continue to appear in your life. The person who makes it difficult for you to do what you need to do to reconcile difficult past experiences can also be a problem. Consider making new friends or at least starting to change the environment.
It’s not an easy way, but it’s a great way to get out of your comfort zone and grow.
Trying out a new hobby with new friends is not a bad idea. When you’re ready, push the boundaries of your comfort zone by joining a local sports team or art class. New directions for your life will gradually appear.

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Be grateful to those who have helped you. Don’t upset yourself by thinking about someone who disrespects or misjudges you. Instead, focus on the people who are always on your side. Let them know you really appreciate their help. ^{[19] X Research Source}

It can be difficult not to notice the negative side. But the people who have helped you deserve your attention.
Stay close to good friends during this time. Getting help from people around will help you become strong. It allows you to feel confident enough to face unresolved past experiences or difficult emotions without feeling alone.
When you feel like you’re slipping, try spending time with someone you trust who can help keep you on track. ^{[20] X Research Sources}
If you feel you are about to repeat a bad habit or are on the verge of despair, call someone you trust and ask if they can join you for coffee or stop by your house. Having someone around can help you feel supported. This will help you get through tough times.

READ More: How to Have Hope

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Try systematic desensitization. This method is a process that gradually eases a person’s hurt response to a traumatic situation using relaxation techniques. The goal of this method is to help people gradually feel more comfortable when experiencing difficult situations on their own. ^{[21] X Trusted Source Simply Psychpogy Go to Source}

This is a new step you can use to start getting comfortable with situations that might be causing you a lot of anxiety.
Start by learning basic relaxation techniques, like deep breathing or meditation. Then, put yourself in a situation that reminds you of the situation that made you feel uncomfortable. Use the relaxation technique you just learned to stay calm.
Start with a brief exposure to a stressful situation. The key here is to follow your own pace, avoid forcing yourself too much. You will eventually be able to comfortably face the situation that is making you feel miserable.
For example, imagine that you have been attacked and seriously injured by a dangerous dog. You will probably start avoiding all other dogs. To get around this, you can try visiting a friend’s house who has a dog that you know is quite friendly. Use relaxation techniques during your visit to your friend’s house. Try to visit often, staying a little longer each time. This can be difficult at first, but spending some time with a non-dangerous dog can help you overcome feelings of fear about the attack.

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Face your fears and change your habits. Sometimes we develop habits that keep us from confronting and overcoming bad experiences in the past. They can make it impossible for us to integrate their influence with the decisions we make today. ^{[22] X Research Sources Duhigg, C. (2014). The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Work. (Republish). New York: Random House Trade Paperbacks.} Part of dealing with this influence is breaking the habit of confronting your emotions.

Take for example the case of fear of dogs as above. If you’ve ever been attacked by a dog, you probably have a habit of crossing the street when you meet someone walking the dog. Maybe to the point that you do this without even thinking. In the short term, it may help you reduce anxiety, but in the long run, it will prevent you from overcoming this fear. Either way, it’s an inconvenience. In this case, you can try to break the habit. You don’t have to look for dogs, but try to stop crossing the street when you see a dog approaching. Once you’re comfortable with that, you can even ask a passerby if you can pet their dog. Over time, this will help you get over past trauma.
Systematic desensitization can be helpful in trying to change harmful habits.
Sometimes we don’t realize how bad a bad experience has changed us. Our efforts to avoid them become a habit of everyday life. One way to spot a change in behavior is to ask someone you trust if they notice any oddities in the way you behave. Other people often have the ability to perceive what we cannot feel on our own. ^{[23] X Research Sources Merleau-Ponty, M., & Edie, JM (1964). Cognitive primacy: And Essays on Phenomenological Psychology, The Psychology of Art, History, and Politics. Northwestern University Press.}
For example, after a breakup, you could ask your best friend, “Have I acted differently since my boyfriend and I broke up?”

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Make a list to check your manners. Sit down and make a list of times you avoided doing something because you were afraid or didn’t want to feel uncomfortable. You don’t even need to know why you’re scared then. Sometimes writing down how you feel about past experiences can be the best way to let them go.

This is especially important if you don’t have a good friend around to ask about your behavior.
As thoughts begin to flow, think about new ways you can handle this situation in the future.
For example, imagine that your list lets you know that you’re hesitant to go out with your friends. Start inviting them over to your house so you can take control of the situation. Maybe invite your closest friends first and then ask them to go with a few people you don’t really know.
Take it slow and don’t be afraid to ask for help from someone you trust. Gradual progression can help you reconcile the effects of your worst past experience that you haven’t been able to deal with.
By gradually forcing yourself into a way that may have made you uncomfortable before, the unusual habits will gradually fade away. You can then start working towards establishing new useful habits in your daily life.

Overcoming difficult times

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Stay away from things that make you uncomfortable. It’s time to put things that remind you of bad experiences in the past in a box. Grab a large box and throw anything that reminds you of past relationships, work that makes you feel sad. Anything that reminds you of an unpleasant experience should be kept in a box.

After a while, decide whether to throw away or keep the box. Either way, you’ve come to the conclusion that the things in it can no longer affect you.

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Write or speak your feelings. Writing and naming unresolved feelings and experiences can make them clearer. This can help you better control your emotions.

For example, you might write a letter to one or more people who have hurt you or who have been through hardships with you. Confronting such people can be very helpful, even if they aren’t there to talk to you at all. ^{[24] X Research Sources Johnson, WR, & L, W. (1997). Emty-chair therapy techniques with Systematic desensitization in the treatment of fear. Gestalt Therapy Overview, 1(2), 150–162.}
You can write or read poetry or prose. Anything that allows you to express feelings that you have kept from the past will do. No matter how malicious the words appear in your mind, let them all out.

Advice

Some losses don’t last forever. A lot of the fun things you didn’t get as a kid, you can still do as an adult. Go ahead and start collecting comics even when you’re an adult, or dolls, or whatever you’ve been missing. You can grow up even if your childhood wasn’t what you wanted it to be.
Always believe in yourself. Never listen to criticism or insults.
Try to be optimistic and focus on what you are doing instead of past mistakes.

Warning

Avoid using the past as an excuse for not developing the present. When things in your life aren’t going the way you want them to, deal with them instead of continuing to reminisce about when things were good. You are a creative person, able to adapt and make choices for a better life. However, comparing your present life with the past can hold you back.
You are not alone in having a traumatic childhood. Clinging to it as an excuse will not improve your situation and will only harm you. It can interfere with your ability to reconcile the effects of a bad past experience. Accept that what happened during your traumatic childhood, good or bad, allows yourself to heal. Get treatment when it’s needed, but don’t let it destroy your chances for a fulfilling life. If so, your past obsession will prevail.

Steps

Accepting the Influence of Past Experiences

Create New Habits

Overcoming difficult times

Advice

Warning

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