What if my husband texts another woman? (and should she face her?)

It must have been heartbreaking for you to find out that your husband has been texting another woman frequently lately. Maybe you just wanted to say something to the other woman – but would it do any good? In this article, we will answer some frequently asked questions about this complex issue.

Table of Contents

What should I do when my husband texts another woman?

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/a/ac/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-1.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-1.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/a/ac/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-1.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-1. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Ask your husband what’s going on. If you notice your husband is acting suspiciously, there’s a reason you want to know what’s going on. However, unless you have tenth proof that the messages are indecent, don’t make the worst case scenario. Talk to your husband about this and ask him to clarify things. ^{[1] X Research Source} State the problem with a calm, non-confrontational attitude. ^{[2] X Trusted Source Understood Go to Source}

You could say, “I see you’ve been texting Mai a lot lately. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
Avoid accusing your husband, as you can put him on the defensive and end the conversation before you get a real answer.
Even if you’re sure the messages aren’t appropriate, asking him what’s up is the right way to start a conversation. Calmly tell your husband that you’ve seen the messages and want to talk to him to understand what’s going on. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/6/66/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-2.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-2.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/6/66/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-2.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-2. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Let him know how you feel. Use sentences with the subject of yourself to express your thoughts and feelings. That way your husband can feel less attacked. You should use phrases like “I feel… when you…” ^{[4] X Research Source}

For example, you could say, “I’m so worried when you text me so much” or “I’ve been a little insecure about our relationship these days. I feel like you and I have a harder time connecting than before.”
If you’re sure he’s cheating, you can say something like, “I feel betrayed and hurt right now. Maybe it would be better if we could sit down and talk about this.”

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/f/f9/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-3.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-3.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/f/f9/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-3.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-3. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Watch for signs that he is dishonest and irresponsible. Ideally, your husband will prove to you that there’s nothing wrong with him and the other woman. If your husband has done anything wrong, he must apologize immediately and try to work it out. If he doesn’t, then maybe it’s time to have a serious conversation about where this marriage is going. Some danger warning signals that you need to pay attention to are: ^{[5] X Research Source}

Take your feelings lightly – for example, “Come on, I was just joking with her!”
Be defensive – like, “What, so now you want to know everything I tell my friends?”
Blame yourself – for example, “Oh, I probably wouldn’t have talked to other women if you had gone to bed at the same time as me more often.”
Intentionally lying to confuse you, such as denying what happened – even if you see the evidence with your own eyes.

Is confronting the other woman a good idea?

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/7/7e/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-5.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-5.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/7/7e/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-5.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-5. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Most experts do not recommend doing this. It may be tempting to call the woman who comes into your husband’s life to tell her what you think, but there’s a chance that this may just make you feel worse. ^{[7] X Research Sources} Before you decide to contact the woman, ask yourself if something might happen that you will regret.

For example, you may hear some details about her relationship with your husband that you don’t want to know, or maybe you get caught up in an argument that doesn’t work out.
Remember that the most likely conversation will not go in the direction you want. For example, there’s no guarantee you’ll get her apology if that’s what you want.

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/4/4d/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-6.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-6.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/4/4d/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-6.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-6. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Do so if you find it helpful. Everyone’s situation is different, so it’s not easy to have a do or shouldn’t answer. There are some people who find that they solve the problem by talking to the other third person. ^{[8] X Research Source} If you believe that talking to the woman your husband texts often will help you understand the situation, or you will feel more relieved to let the other woman know how you feel – then it’s probably right to contact that woman.

If you do decide to talk, choose a time when you feel calm and have time to think clearly. Don’t call or text in a fit of anger.

What should I say to that woman?

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/3/3e/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-7.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-7.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/3/3e/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-7.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-7. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

This depends on what you want to talk about. Before entering this uncomfortable conversation, you should set some goals for yourself. ^{[9] X Research Source} Sit down and list everything you want to say and try to determine what outcome you want from this conversation.

For example, would you like to ask the other woman to stop contacting your husband? Want to know more about their relationship? Or do you just want to vent your feelings to her?
You may find it easier to just write down your thoughts and feelings. In fact, once you’ve written that down, you may no longer feel the need to confront a third person. You can write a message, but once you’re done, cancel it instead of sending it to the other girl

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/6/69/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-8.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-8.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/6/69/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-8.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-8. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Don’t let yourself get mad. Maybe you just want to curse the other woman or accuse her, or even threaten her. However, getting mad at this point won’t solve anything, you may end up feeling worse and even gaining a reputation for being aggressive. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings in a calm and civilized manner. ^{[10] X Source of Research} If you feel yourself starting to “burn out”, stop and take a few deep breaths, repeat mantras (like “be strong” or “calm down”), or walk away. Take a moment to calm your anger. ^{[11] X Trusted Source Harvard Business Review Go to Source}

For example, you could say, “I feel extremely hurt and angry about what happened between you and my husband. I want to ask you to stop contacting him.”
Don’t confuse her about the details of what happened between the two of them or ask questions that you really don’t want to hear the answer to.
If you send a text or email, read it carefully before sending it. Correct words that seem too harsh or accusing. You even leave it there and go to sleep, watch it again the next morning when your mind is clear.

Should I question my cheating husband?

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/6/6c/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-9.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-9.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/6/6c/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-9.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-9. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Talk to him, but remember to stay calm. If you know for sure that your husband is sending flirty texts to the other woman, you should definitely ask him to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. However, no matter how angry you are, you should be civilized. If you’ve just found out, give yourself some time to cool off before trying to talk to your husband. ^{[12] X Research Source}

Try saying, “I know you’ve been texting sex with your colleague Loan lately. We need to talk about this.”
If you feel your anger begin to rise, try taking a few deep, slow breaths to calm down. You can also stay away for a few minutes or until you calm down. Say things like, “I’m starting to get angry, so I have to go out for a while. We’ll talk later.”

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/b/bf/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-10.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-10.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/b/bf/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-10.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-10. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Listen to what he has to say. Maybe you just want to interrupt, scream, or even walk away when your husband is talking, but try to listen to what he has to say. This will make it easier for your husband to open up and be able to tell you the truth. ^{[13] X Research Source}

You can even reassure your husband that you’re willing to listen to him calmly, such as, “I know this is hard to say, but please tell me the truth. I’m listening.”
Avoid playing the blame game. Just focus on what happened.

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/1/1a/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-11.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-11.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/1/1a/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-11.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-11. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Discuss what you want to happen next. There is no single right answer to the question of what you should do when you catch your husband cheating. Depending on how you feel at the time – and how he behaves – you may decide to end the marriage or try to mend it. It may take some time and a lot of dialogue between the couple to work things out. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Finding a love, marriage, and family counselor is a good idea if you want to mend your marriage. They can help you find the reasons behind your husband’s behavior and give you tips to prevent something like this from happening again in the future.

Why would a married man text another woman?

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/5/54/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-12.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-12.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/5/54/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-12.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-12. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Sometimes just for innocent reasons. For example, maybe he’s just chatting with a friend or co-worker, and there’s nothing romantic or erotic between them. Therefore, it is important that you do not speculate when you do not know what the truth is.

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/9/99/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-13.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-13.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/9/99/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-13.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-13. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

This could reflect an underlying problem in your relationship. There are many reasons why people cheat, and they are often quite complex. If your husband is really texting another woman inappropriately, it could be for one or a combination of the following reasons: ^{[15] X Research Source}

He feels a lack of connection, love, or balance in his marriage.
He is afraid of commitment, so he often does things that destroy his relationships (intentionally or unintentionally).
He had low self-esteem or insecurities so he texted another woman in hopes of making himself more valuable.
He has a sex addiction problem.

Is texting outside of marriage considered adultery?

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/f/fc/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-14.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-14.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/f/fc/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-14.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-14. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Maybe. Messaging makes it easy for people to chat with each other quickly and privately, anywhere, anytime. While there may be no ill intentions at all, it is also easy to go overboard and lead to misbehavior. ^{[16] X Research Source} Texting can become adulterous if a married person uses it to have romantic or sexually suggestive conversations with others whose partner does not know or consent to.

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/9/94/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-15.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-15.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/9/94/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-15.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-15. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

Talk to your husband about what both of you consider adultery. The definition of marital infidelity can be quite complicated because not everyone has the same opinion. Maybe your husband thinks sending a few flirty texts is a trivial matter, while you consider it off-limits behavior. To avoid serious misunderstandings and conflicts, a couple needs to sit down and talk about the boundaries and expectations they both want for each other. ^{[17] X Research Source}

For example, you could say, “I get annoyed when you text other women flirting, even if the two of you never go further than that. I know you don’t consider it a “real” affair, but it makes me sad.”

How can I track my cheating husband’s messages?

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/d/d4/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-16.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-16.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/d/d4/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-16.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-16. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

You can use spy apps. There are many apps available today that allow you to track messages and other communication on other people’s phones. Some popular choices include mSpy, FlexiSpy, and iKeyMonitor.

{“smallUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images_en/thumb/7/7f/Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-17.jpg/v4- 728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-17.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”https://www.wikihow.com/images/thumb/7/7f/ Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-17.jpg/v4-728px-Should-I-Confront-the-Woman-My-Husband-Is-Texting-Step-17. jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=”mw-parser-output”></div>”}

It should be noted that snooping can cause serious harm. Before resorting to spying on your husband’s texts, try talking to him about what’s going on. Otherwise, you could seriously damage the relationship by bringing up a whole host of trust issues. ^{[18] X Research Sources}

In some cases, for example, if you’re afraid he’s hiding something dangerous or illegal from you, then spying on your husband’s text messages might be the logical approach. If not, you should try to use this only as a last resort.

Steps