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This article was co-written by Jay Reid, LPCC. Jay Reid is a consultant clinical psychologist (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping patients whose parents or partners are narcissistic. Treatment focuses on helping patients recognize and deal with self-deprecating thoughts caused by narcissist abuse. Jay holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and a master’s degree in clinical psychology from Pennsylvania State University.
There are 10 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
If your boyfriend often looks at your clothes and tells you that this is okay to wear and that isn’t, you may feel confused, shocked, and hurt. It’s not okay to have someone who can or is not allowed to wear anything, let alone a boyfriend. Everyone has the right to decide for themselves. Read on to learn why someone wanting to control what you wear is a warning sign, how to stand up for yourself and stop it.
Steps
Why shouldn’t your boyfriend decide what you wear?
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It’s your body. No one can tell you what to do with your body, not even your food or drink, your hairstyle or your clothes. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions about their own body and clothes. [2] X Research Source
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How you express yourself is up to you. Your appearance speaks volumes about who you are. The way a person dresses reflects how they feel about themselves and what they want to show in the eyes of others. You have complete control over how you express your personality. [3] X Research Sources
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This is not fair to you. When someone tells you to dress like this or that, it implies that you are incapable of making your own decisions, and that is not true. It’s not fair for your boyfriend to think you can’t choose your own clothes. [4] X Research Sources
Why does your boyfriend tell you how to dress?
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Maybe he lacks confidence. There are men who try to control the way their lover dresses because they lack confidence and worry that their lover will catch the eyes of others because of the clothes. However, they are not insecure that they have the right to dictate what their lovers wear. [5] X Research Sources
- If your boyfriend is obsessed with you or needs you to remind him over and over again that you love him, chances are he lacks confidence.
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Maybe he’s controlling. If a man tells you what to wear, it is a sign that he is controlling, even abusive. Watch out for other red flags such as: [6] X Research Sources[7] X Trusted Source University of Rochester Medical Center Go to Source
- He often insults or humiliates you. He often comments on your weight and appearance.
- He demands your attention or asks you to treat him the way he wants.
- He blames you for things beyond your control.
- He threatens you or gives you an ultimatum.
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Maybe he has antiquated views on women and gender. Some men think it’s okay for women to wear revealing clothes. They erroneously believe that it is arbitrary for women to dress like that. If your boyfriend is this type of man, it means that he has a distorted and problematic opinion. [8] X Research Sources
What to do if your boyfriend tells you how or not to dress?
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Say you disagree. Speak up and make it clear that you don’t like him telling you how to dress. You can keep it short and straightforward if you want to sound tough, or laugh it off if you want to sound disinterested. Just let him know that you don’t accept. [9] X Research Source You can say:
- “Don’t tell me how to dress.”
- “Thanks for the advice, but I don’t need it.”
- “Why do you think you have the right to tell me what to wear?”
- “You’re not the doll that I dress for her. Don’t do that.”
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Talk to him to ask why he thinks this is normal. Ask him to explain why he thinks it’s right for you to work through the problem together. Maybe he didn’t understand that the action was rude, or he just communicated poorly and didn’t mean it. This will also help you differentiate potentially abusive men from guys who don’t understand what they’re doing is rough. [10] X Research Source
- You might say, “Hey, why did you do that? Do you understand that telling me to wear this and not that is an insult? What did you think then?”
- A sensible guy might say “Sorry, I was just making a joke; I went to a formal party so I’m afraid they won’t let you in because of those sandals. I didn’t mean to instruct you.”
- An abusive guy might say, “I don’t like you wearing that dress. Too loose. Instead.”
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Consider ending the relationship if your boyfriend is controlling. You have absolutely every reason to break up with someone who thinks they have a right to let you wear anything. Don’t blame yourself if you feel it’s time to pack your bags and leave.
- This is a big red flag, and if it happens in the early stages it is really worrying.
Is there a good reason for your boyfriend to tell you to change your clothes?
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This makes sense if the two of you are going to an event where there is a dress code. If you’re going to an event where you’ll need to dress in a certain way and you don’t remember or misunderstand what the dress code is, your boyfriend might ask if you can change your clothes. However, he shouldn’t give orders either, so the wording here is also quite important.
- For example, “Em, they say the guests only wear black ties. Do you think it’s appropriate for me to wear a red dress?” This is a perfectly reasonable comment.
- If he says things like “You can’t wear that shirt. It’s indecent” then that could be a warning sign.
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It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend suggests you wear something lightly because it looks good. If he playfully tells you to wear “those cute red dresses,” he’s having fun flirting (and he thinks you’re attractive in that dress). People often say such things when they’re comfortable with their partner, so if your boyfriend doesn’t sound commanding, it’s no big deal.
- If your boyfriend isn’t domineering and just gives suggestions, then he’s probably not a bad person. However, don’t be afraid to speak up if you feel uncomfortable when he does.
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This is also good if you think his advice makes sense or like your boyfriend giving you advice on how to dress. Everyone has a different opinion, and if you think your boyfriend’s opinion is good, that’s okay! And if you like letting your boyfriend be your stylist, that’s fine too. As long as you’re satisfied, happy and he’s not a patriarch, you don’t have to worry about this. [11] X Research Source
- By the way, if your boyfriend has a cool fashion sense or is a fashion designer, you’ll probably love his comments!
- There are many girls who like to be a docile little lover and often actively seek a lover who is a bit “controllable”. If you’re a girl like that, don’t worry about it!
- Again, he still shouldn’t ask you how to dress. Just a suggestion.
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This article was co-written by Jay Reid, LPCC. Jay Reid is a consultant clinical psychologist (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping patients whose parents or partners are narcissistic. Treatment focuses on helping patients recognize and deal with self-deprecating thoughts caused by narcissist abuse. Jay holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and a master’s degree in clinical psychology from Pennsylvania State University.
There are 10 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
If your boyfriend often looks at your clothes and tells you that this is okay to wear and that isn’t, you may feel confused, shocked, and hurt. It’s not okay to have someone who can or is not allowed to wear anything, let alone a boyfriend. Everyone has the right to decide for themselves. Read on to learn why someone wanting to control what you wear is a warning sign, how to stand up for yourself and stop it.
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