How to Warm Up Your Sex Life

Any passion will fade over time, the question is whether you know how to warm up your relationship or not. If your sex life has been too bland lately, warm up by stimulating your sex drive in your daily life and when practicing foreplay. In addition, act more spontaneously with your lover to make the relationship more attractive. You should also be more adventurous in sex.

Table of Contents

Create excitement and anticipation

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Send flirty or seductive messages to each other. Exchanging naughty messages to each other will increase lust in both you and your partner. Send him/her a text message telling him/her what you want to do with them when you meet up with a naughty photo of you. Also, post a sexy text where they’ll see it. ^{[1] X Research Source}

You can text something like, “I’m wearing your favorite shorts. I’ll help you take it off.”
Stick a love note on the mirror, on the bedside table, on the steering wheel or in your briefcase. You can write something like, “I look forward to seeing you tonight,” or “I have a surprise for you.”

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Oral sex with your lover in everyday life. Oral sex isn’t just for the bedroom. Make it a habit to whisper naughty words to your partner or incorporate sexually implied words in your everyday communication. This will help both of you think about sex more to increase the sense of anticipation. ^{[2] X Research Source}

Say things like “I want you so much”, or “You look so hot without a shirt”,….

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Reveal your sexual fantasies. Everyone has sexual fantasies, so be open with your partner about what you want and ask him/her to share their fantasy. The two of you will then discuss ways to incorporate your fantasy into your sex life to make it more satisfying for both of you. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

You might say, “I’ve always wanted to be tied down during sex. What about you?” or “I want to be a pirate and I’m trying to get you”.
Don’t force him/her to follow your imagination. Likewise, don’t force yourself to act in a way you don’t like. Try to find fantasies that you both like, and don’t make fun of each other about being different.

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Have a weekly date with your lover. Scheduled romantic dates will help you build intimacy and warm up your relationship. Take turns planning dates to experience new things and create unforgettable memories. During your date, talk and show affection so you both look forward to what’s going to happen in the bedroom. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

For example, have a romantic dinner together, walk under the sunset sky, and cuddle while watching a movie.
Cooking dinner together is a popular option, and playing with food is a way to flirt.
Go camping in the park or on the beach.
Go to sporting events or concerts.
Do something that requires exercise or adventure, like rock climbing or ziplining. If it’s winter, you can go ice skating.

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Prepare for a romantic mood. Feelings of desire are partly related to mood, so it’s important to be prepared. When you want to have sex, try to create a romantic atmosphere that makes you both look forward to sex more. Here are some ways to create a mood of desire: ^{[5] X Research Source}

Light the candles and let the lights dim.
Use colored light such as a red bulb.
Play music that creates a seductive atmosphere like music by Marvin Gaye, Al Green or Usher.
Spread rose petals around the room.

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Foreplay to increase excitement. Infatuation is both an emotional and physical experience, and foreplay will help prepare you and your partner for sex. In fact, foreplay is the key to a healthy sex life. Hugs, caresses, and kisses when you’re together to increase intimacy. When you’re ready for sex, stroke and massage him/her. This step will increase your excitement before sex. ^{[6] X Research Source}

Try kissing along your lover’s neck, chest, arms, and body.
Slowly undress each other.
Incorporate foreplay into your daily routine to stay interested. For example, squeeze your lover’s butt when you walk past her in the kitchen, or caress her skin when you’re watching a movie together.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage and family therapist

Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage and family therapist

Be careful not to have sex that only makes your partner happy, but doesn’t satisfy you. If this is the case, incorporate activities that give you satisfaction. This isn’t limited to sexual acts for orgasm, I mean more cuddling and talking, more cuddling, or any combination of actions to increase bonding.

Random action

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Surprise your partner with something new. Daily routines can make your relationship unattractive, and create a boring rut in the bedroom. Trying new things in life can help you break this rut and restore intimacy. Do something new and exciting together, or surprise them with something special. Here are some ideas for you: ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Go eat at a new restaurant.
Do something special on a weeknight instead of just staying at home.
Secretly plan to go out to dinner, to the movies, to the theater or to a music show.
Book a hotel room for an emotional evening.

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Give your lover a small gift to show you care. Choose a meaningful gift or buy flowers, chocolates or lingerie. Give gifts to your lover directly or send them to their workplace to create a surprise. Your lover will feel special and it will be an emotional moment between the two of you. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

You can choose something sweet like their favorite cake, or something naughty like a handcuff or blindfold (used as a sex toy). Use your creativity!

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Organize a romantic trip. Spend quality time with your partner – it’s an essential part of a relationship. The two of you need to spend time together to warm up the relationship. Take a short trip with just your lover. Leave worries behind and focus on rekindling love, playing together. ^{[9] X Research Source}

If your budget is comfortable, you can organize a luxurious trip, like spending the weekend in a lakeside house, or renting a honeymoon room in a hotel.
If you don’t have a lot of money, organize a spoiled camp or change houses with another couple for the weekend.

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Take the fast train when the two of you have a chance to be alone. Random sex is fun, so look for opportunities to have sex quickly. Take advantage of the time you two are alone without worrying about what to do to enjoy an intimate moment together. ^{[10] X Research Source}

For example, the two of you could do a quick train ride before work or during lunch.
Don’t worry about having to undress because sex without all of your clothes is more enjoyable. Just undress just enough to have sex and enjoy being spoiled with your partner.

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Take a day off work to follow what your intuition tells you. Schedule a day when the two of you can take a break from work and be free from work. Get everything done and don’t worry about planning. Then do the first thing that comes to mind. Challenge yourself to spend the rest of the day doing what you enjoy. ^{[11] X Research Source}

You can do things like feed ducks at the park, water gun each other, rearrange your house, or learn how to make espresso. It doesn’t matter what you do! The point is that the two of you will stay together and do out-of-the-ordinary things.

Adventure in sex life

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Buy lots of sexy lingerie. Clothes can make a sex life more attractive. Choose underwear that you think your partner will find attractive. Then apply different ways to incorporate underwear into your sex life. Here are some ideas: ^{[12] X Research Sources}

Surprise your spouse when they come home.
Wear sexy lingerie underneath to let your spouse know that you also enjoy flirting.
Wear sexy lingerie to bed.
Dress provocatively the way your lover likes it.
Take a photo of yourself in your underwear to send to your lover.

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Play in a new space beyond the bedroom. The bedroom is often the most convenient place to flirt, but the two of you can get bored with it. Try making love outside the bedroom for a new experience. This will make your sex life more fun and adventurous. Try one of the following: ^{[13] X Research Sources}

Relations on the table in the living room.
Outdoor relations if the yard is surrounded by a fence.
Park your car in a deserted place and pretend you two are high school students.

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Use sex toys. Sex toys can increase pleasure for both you and your partner. Find sex toys that you both enjoy, then use them during foreplay or during sex. You can try the following: ^{[14] X Research Source}

Handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds.
Blindfold each other while doing the foreplay.
Use a gag and whip if the two of you prefer.
Use a prosthesis to increase pleasure.
Try using the anal button if the two of you like it.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage and family therapist

Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage and family therapist

It doesn’t matter what they use, as long as they can help you and your lover achieve orgasm. The two of you can explore oral sex, manual stimulation, and vibrator use. This may or may not be important to either of you, which is why you need to have an open and cooperative conversation.

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Acting in a provocative script. Act out the scenario like your fantasy about sex so that both of you feel more excited. Choose characters or scenarios that both of you enjoy, and act out the provocative situation so that both of you feel euphoric. Try acting out the following common scenarios if you don’t know where to start: ^{[15] X Research Sources}

Doctor and patient.
Police and robbers.
The maid and the hostess.
The pizza delivery guy and the landlady.

Tip: Wear the right clothes for the role to create a more attractive feeling. For example, wear a white blouse over provocative underwear if you’re a doctor.

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Incorporate food into sexual activity. Use foods to spice up the sexual experience, like desserts, lotions, and even edible clothing accessories. You can even target foods known for their aphrodisiacs like oysters and chocolate. Use food as a sex toy by feeding each other or putting it on and licking it. ^{[16] X Research Source}

Pour chocolate or fresh cream on your body and then lick it off.
Bring grapes or strawberries to each other to eat.
Use lotion or edible underwear, or cover yourself with buttercream to add more appeal to oral sex.

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Watch adult movies together. Some people find adult movies very interesting and also help generate new ideas. You can watch adult movies for free on sites like PornHub. Take turns choosing a movie you think you’ll both enjoy. ^{[17] X Research Source}

For example, watch a movie with a script that you both enjoy, like the delivery guy and the landlady are in a depressed mood.
Respect your lover if they don’t like adult movies. If they don’t like it, then porn can damage the relationship.

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Play sex games. Sex games are fun because they push you out of your comfort zone and make you look forward to what’s to come. Pick a game that you both enjoy. Here are some ideas: ^{[18] X Research Sources}

Roll the Dice: Buy two sex dice or assign meaning to each side of the regular dice. Then roll the dice to see what you have to do for your lover. For example, 1 is kissing, 2 is nipple licking, 3 is genital licking, 4 is tying up your partner, 5 is licking off their body cream, and 6 is slapping their ass.
Play hide and seek with candy: Take turns playing hide and seek with small candies. For example, blindfold your lover and ask them to use their mouths to find 3 candies hidden on your body.
Play Undressing Poker: Take off your clothes piece by piece each time you lose. The loser will have to take the initiative to have a relationship.

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Explore the slightly deviant acts of sex if the two of you want to give it a try. Basically, the two of you will play in the bedroom to arouse each other’s desires. If you like, try tying each other up as slaves, blindfolding or whipping. Buy the necessary items, then decide how to use them in the bedroom. In addition, the two of you need to pre-determine a safe word to signal to stop. ^{[19] X Research Source}

For example, you will blindfold your lover and lead somewhere else. Next, you can have them sit in a chair and use different objects to touch their skin, like ice cubes, fork tips, and warm candle wax.

Advice

Always listen to your partner’s needs, concerns, or desires.
Always communicate openly and honestly with your partner.
Take risks and get out of your comfort zone a little.
Respect the limits set by your partner.
If you’re considering aphrodisiac products such as pills, creams or aphrodisiacs, it’s a good idea to research safety and effectiveness in advance.

Warning

Don’t force your partner to do something they don’t like.

Steps

Create excitement and anticipation

Random action

Adventure in sex life

Advice

Warning

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