How to Tell Someone You’re Abusing Yourself

Telling someone that you are self-harming can be a very scary thing, but it’s courage you can be proud of. You may not get the response you hoped for at first, but talking about self-harm is an important step towards your recovery. Sharing feelings and problems becomes easier if you take the time to think about them first.

Table of Contents

Choose the right person

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Reflect on who has been by your side during difficult times in the past. Consider sharing with someone who has helped and supported you in the past. ^{[1] X Research Source}

A friend who was with you before is probably not with you now. Sometimes, that friend will be so shocked that they don’t have the sympathetic response you’d expect from them.
Understand that they have been with you in the past, however if they don’t react the way you hoped it could be because they were shocked.

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Choose someone you trust. This is the most important factor. You have to feel really comfortable with this person and know that you can talk and trust their presence is for you. ^{[2] X Research Source}

However, you should know that just because that friend kept your secret in the past doesn’t mean they will do it now. People often panic when they hear a friend is torturing themselves and they may feel the need to tell someone about it because they want to help you.

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Think about your purpose in talking to your partner. If you just want to let your feelings out, you’ll want to choose a trusted friend. If you think you need medical help, you may choose to talk to your doctor first. Thinking about what you hope to gain from this conversation will help you decide who to share it with. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

If you’re a teen, you’ll first need to consider talking to an older person you trust before you tell your friends. Try talking to a parent, school counselor, or teacher. This way, you will get the proper support before you tell your friends.
If you’ve been treated for something, talk to a specialist first. They can work with you to find the best way to chat with your friends and family. If you are not getting treatment, now is the time to seek help as the best thing to do is go through this process with someone professional and experienced in dealing with self-abuse.
You may be struggling with some faith issues, so you might want to talk to a priest or pastor.
Before you talk to your doctor, think about some of the services your doctor might offer you to decide what you want: accepting referrals to therapy groups or individual consultations, having a nurse come to your home, or talk about certain medications if you are depressed or anxious.
If your performance at school is being impacted, you may choose to talk to your school guidance counselor or teacher.
If you are not yet of marriageable age and you are talking to a professional or staff member at school, you may need to know in advance that it is their job to report your self-injury. You just need to first ask them the rules about them sharing any information that you would tell them. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Choose the right time, the right place and the right method

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Practice in front of a mirror. Telling someone you mistreat yourself can be scary and difficult. Rehearsing some conversations in advance can help you interpret messages better when talking to your friends and give you confidence and strength. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

Practicing at home can also help you mentally map out what you plan to say, and you can practice responding to potential reactions. Think about how your friends might react and prepare how to respond.

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Speak to them personally. Live chat is always more difficult, but it allows you to express in real time. Plus, serious emotional issues deserve your direct attention. The hugs and tears shared when they meet can be comforting. ^{[6] X Research Source}

Live chat with someone can be very empowering.
The initial reaction may not be what you had hoped for, so be prepared for anger, sadness, and agitation.

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Choose a location where you feel comfortable. It’s important to tell someone in person and you deserve to be in a comfortable and private space when you reveal it. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

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Write a letter or email. While this approach means that the person you are talking to will be faced with shocking news without the opportunity to react immediately, sometimes a delay is just what you and them need. You can choose exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it without interruption. This will also give the recipient time to process the information. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

After sending a letter or email, make sure you call or chat in person because the person reading the letter will worry about you. Waiting to hear from you again can make them very nervous. End the letter with a plan to call them in 2 days or email you when they’re ready to chat. ^{[9] X Research Source}

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Make a phone call to someone. Talking to a friend or someone you trust over the phone still allows you to discuss in real time with support as you don’t have to face their initial reaction in person. ^{[10] X Research Source}

You won’t get any benefit from non-verbal communication, so be careful to avoid misunderstandings.
If you are talking to someone who is far away, they may feel powerless to help you. Try to suggest ways that they can support you even when they are far away.
Calling a counseling service is a great way to start talking to people and can give you the strength, courage, and confidence to talk to people you know.

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Show the scars to someone you trust. If you can’t find the right words to start a conversation, simply showing someone what you’ve done to cope can provide a good opportunity to talk about the problem. ^{[11] X Trusted Source Mental Health Foundation Go to Source}

Try to get them to focus on the meaning behind the behavior right away, rather than focusing on the scar itself.

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Write, draw or sketch about it. Expressing emotions in a creative way not only helps you express yourself and feel relieved, but it is also another method of communicating how you feel to others. ^{[12] X Research Source}

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Never talk to someone while angry. Saying, “you made me cut myself” can distract from your desires and put the listener on the defensive. Arguing will likely start and spoil this very important conversation. ^{[13] X Research Source}

Even if your feelings stem from an interpersonal problem you are having with them, cutting yourself or hurting yourself is always your choice, so blaming someone when angry won’t. what to do for you.

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Be prepared to face questions. The person you tell them will have tons of questions for you. Make sure you choose a time to chat with them when you have plenty of time. ^{[14] X Research Source}

If they ask a question you’re not ready to answer, just say no. Don’t feel pressured to answer all of their questions.
Questions that may arise are: Why are you doing it; do you want to commit suicide; how it helps you; Is it because I did something, and why don’t you stop?

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Self-harm by drinking. You will tend to build up false courage and reduce inhibitions by drinking before you talk to someone, but alcohol can increase emotional response and instability in an already difficult situation. towel. ^{[15] X Research Source}

Chat with someone

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Talk about why you torture yourself. Cutting yourself is not a problem but the underlying emotion behind each cut. Knowing the cause of the behavior can help you and your listeners deal with the problem. ^{[16] X Research Source}

Be as open as possible about how you feel and why you cut yourself. Gaining the understanding of others will ensure you have the support you need in the long run.

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Do not share detailed illustrations or images. You want the other person to understand but not be afraid or stop paying attention because they find it very difficult to hear it. ^{[17] X Research Source}

You may need to learn more about self-harm habits if you’re talking to a doctor or therapist. These professionals will need this insight to help you cope better.

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Tell them why you told them. Some people admit that self-harm is because they feel lonely and isolated and don’t want to go through it alone. Some people fear making self-harm worse and want help. Telling your friends why you are talking about it now will help them understand how you are feeling. ^{[18] X Research Sources}

Perhaps you have an upcoming vacation or want to get close to someone but are afraid to show your scar the first time around.
Maybe someone found out and threatened to tell your parents, so you want to tell them first.
Perhaps you didn’t tell them before because you were afraid of being labeled or devalued your approach.

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Show that you accept yourself. Acceptance from your friends will be easier if they realize that you are clear about your choice to hurt yourself, why you did it, and why you told them about it. ^{[19] X Research Source}

Don’t apologize. You don’t speak up to upset them, and you don’t abuse yourself to make them upset.

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Prepare for shock, anger, and sadness. When you tell someone about self-harm, their first instinctive reaction may be anger, agitation, fear, shame, guilt, or sadness. Remember this is because they care about you. ^{[20] X Research Sources}

First reactions are not always a sign that someone will support you. Your friend may react upset but this is not a criticism of you but rather their own coping skills and emotions.
Understand that the person you confide in will take time to process this information.

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Thinking of the request makes you stop. Your friend may ask you to stop self-harm as a way to try to protect and care for you. They often feel they are doing the right thing by asking you to do so. ^{[21] X Research Source}

They may threaten to stop being your friend or lover, or say they won’t talk to you, until you stop. Your friend may completely sever the relationship with you or they may even resort to intimidation.
Tell them that their request is unhelpful and puts more pressure on you. Instead, ask them to show support by being by your side as you go through this journey.
Explain to a friend or family member that this is not an overnight thing, that healing and coping takes time and that you need their support throughout the process. Remind them that while they are learning this information about you, you are also learning about yourself.
If you are seeing a doctor or therapist, tell your friend. This can reassure them that you are being taken care of.

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Anticipate misconceptions. Your friend can automatically assume that you want to commit suicide, endanger others, try to get attention, or you can actually stop if you want. ^{[22] X Research Source}

Friends may also assume that you cut yourself or hurt yourself as part of the trend.
Be patient and understand your friends’ confusion and share resources with them to help them understand self-abuse.
Explain self-harm not as suicide, but as a coping mechanism you are using.
Tell them you don’t want attention. In fact, most people choose to hide their abuse for a long time before deciding to talk about it.

Warning

Although self-harm is not a sign of suicidal behavior, if you feel suicidal or as if you want to seriously harm yourself, contact emergency services or call 911. If you live in the United States, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). In Vietnam, you can call 1900599930 to contact the Psychological Crisis Prevention Center (PCP).
Self-harm can do more harm than intended, leading to complications or even death.

Steps

Choose the right person

Choose the right time, the right place and the right method

Chat with someone

Warning

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