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This article was co-written by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ people, people of color, and people who have difficulty reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master’s degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 11,078 times.
Due to their protective instincts, mothers are often wary of hearing their children announce that they have a boyfriend. This can be an awkward and sensitive conversation, whether he’s your first love, or he’s not what your mother expected, or if you’ve come out as gay and are dating. dating another boy. Even if your mom gets mad and doesn’t let you date him, you need to remember that she just wants the best for you. Listen to the reasons she gives with an open mind and ask her for advice. Tell your mom that you value her experience and understanding, and be responsible and mature enough to start making your own decisions about your relationship.
Steps
Tell your mom about your first boyfriend
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Talk when mom is having fun. Choose the best time to tell your mom about this news. Don’t start a conversation when your mom comes home from work or is busy with something. You want your mother to be completely focused and receptive, right? Besides, you also need to find a way to tell your mother quickly, but not too suddenly. [1] X Research Source
- Don’t wait week after month without telling your mom about your first boyfriend, but neither should you suddenly bring him in front of your mom and say, “Mom, this is my boyfriend! ” Talk to your mother privately first.
- It’s also wise to choose a time when you haven’t done anything to upset her before. If you’ve done something irresponsible and immature or caused trouble, your mother may conclude that you’re not mature enough for love.
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Talk to mom when it’s just the two of you. If you’re living with your mom and dad but you feel it’s easier to talk to your mom first, choose when your dad isn’t home. Wait for dad to go to work or somewhere for a few hours, or go out with mom for coffee, lunch, and talk.
- It’s often a good idea to talk to both mom and dad at the same time, but in many cases it’s more comfortable to tell mom first. [2] X Research Source
- Sometimes fathers become more protective when they find out that their child is starting to have a boyfriend. Some people may be more stubborn when they learn that their child is gay, while others find it difficult to accept someone of a different race or religion as their boyfriend.
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Practice first by writing down what you want to say. Think about what you want to say, and say it in a way that sounds mature. Your goals should be clear, direct, honest, and you probably don’t want to panic or whine. Write down the main points, especially if you’re worried you’ll forget or stumble. [3] X Research Sources
- It’s a good idea to plan and write it down in advance, but you definitely need to talk to your mom in person.
- Try writing down key points like, “Mom, there’s something I don’t want to hide from you. A few weeks ago, my friend Tung from the same school asked me if I could be his girlfriend, and I agreed. We’re in the same grade, he’s smart and cute.”
- Make some notes if your mom’s reaction isn’t what you expected. You could say, “I know you think I’m not mature enough to have a boyfriend, but do you think I’m a lot more mature now? I work hard at this school, always get this high score, and then do all my chores at home without waiting for you to remind me. I haven’t thought about marrying him or anything, but I think I’m starting to have a boyfriend, and I definitely want to know your rules and want you to give me advice.”
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Emphasize the positives. When talking about boyfriends with your mom, don’t start with the negative, especially if your family wants you to date a certain type of person or make strict demands. Don’t open your mouth with statements like “He’s super hot, but he gets punished all the time, and his grades suck!” Focus on the strengths of you and your boyfriend. [4] X Research Sources
- Is your score high? Are you a leader at school or in after-school activities? Do you have any other points that show that you are mature and responsible?
- The above advantages are what your parents want to see before you have a boyfriend, so study hard, complete your duties at home and show them how responsible you are.
- Similarly, you should say as many positive things about your boyfriend as possible. Show her that she can trust your judgment. Try telling your mother the lovely things he usually does for you, how well he treats you, what talents he has, and other strengths.
- Thinking about your boyfriend’s positives is also a way for you to determine if he’s worth the time you’re spending with him. If you can’t list your boyfriend’s good things to tell your mom honestly, then he’s probably not the right person for you.
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Have a photo or social media profile of your boyfriend ready. Unless your mom is strongly against you being in a relationship, she’ll probably want to know more about him. Prepare a photo to show your mom what your boyfriend looks like, or show her his personal profile on social media so she knows a little more about him.
- Don’t take it for granted that she’ll freak out, especially if you’ve gone through puberty smoothly or are slowly growing into adulthood. Who knows, your mother will be very happy and eager to talk to you about him? [5] X Research Sources
- It’s natural to feel embarrassed and want to keep it private, but in most cases you have to share information about your boyfriend with your parents. [6] X Research Sources
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Avoid hiding. Don’t forget that your mother also had a young age, and you should not assume in your mind that she will react negatively. Your parents will know what you’re hiding anyway, so keeping it a secret isn’t a good idea. You should answer honestly when mom asks about him. [7] X Research Sources
- If you want to prove to your mother that you are mature enough to have a boyfriend, you have to make her trust you. Acting in secrecy will only damage the trust you already have. [8] X Research Sources
- Don’t lie about when you started dating. Try to be as honest about every detail as possible. Surely you don’t want to be “revealed” later, such as the anniversary of two lovers!
Handling sensitive situations
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Confess to your mother that you are gay. If you’re gay and want to tell your mom about your boyfriend, consider doing this when you’re ready. No one is forcing you to go public if you’re not mentally prepared. While this can be a wonderful and relaxing experience, it’s normal to feel anxious, especially if you don’t know how your mother will react. [9] X Research Source
- Don’t let your boyfriend pressure you into coming out. The most important thing about coming out as gay is being ready.
- If you have decided to go public, be calm, forthright, honest, and clear. Tell your mom that you have a boyfriend and care about him, that you know sexual orientation can change, but that you really like him right now.
- Be patient when your mother is dealing with the information you just revealed, especially when she is completely taken by surprise. Say, “I know this is hard work and it takes time to accept. I also took a long time to decide so I understand!”
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Determine when it should not be made public. Sometimes it’s not a good idea to reveal a secret. Notice how your parents react to same-sex sex, such as problems with same-sex marriage or stigma in conversations. Perhaps you should refrain from disclosing if both your parents have had a negative reaction, or if you are dependent on them and could be kicked out of the house or have your tuition cut off. [10] X Research Source
- If you find your mom more empathetic and want to talk to her, ask her for advice on how and when to talk to dad and other family members.
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Tell your mom about a boyfriend of a different race or religion. In this day and age, when the world is increasingly close in distance and connected, dating can cross all boundaries of race, religion and customs. Try to interpret this fact if your mother or both are expecting your boyfriend to belong to a certain race, religion or culture. [11] X Research Source
- Try not to hide your cross-cultural relationship, whether you’re a teenager or an adult. What if tomorrow time passes and you two get engaged? Plus, you probably don’t want to add to your negative feelings by making your mom feel distrustful of you or your boyfriend.
- Don’t use your boyfriend against the culture you live in. It’s not fair to him, and in the end your goal is just to cover up your tense attitude toward tradition.
- When talking to your mother about cross-cultural relationships, you need to be understanding and patient. Give her time to understand, and sympathize with her instead of forcing her to approve.
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Consider keeping it private for a while if you foresee the consequences. Similar to coming out about your sexual orientation, you should consider when it’s inappropriate to disclose a cross-cultural relationship. While it’s usually best to be honest, if you’re really concerned for your and your boyfriend’s safety, or are afraid of being rejected by your family, you should consider not disclosing.
- Try to reconcile your feelings of fear and trust with your mother. Pay attention to your mother’s reactions to friends and other family members with similar relationships.
- If you believe your mom will accept it but your dad won’t, ask her for advice on how to tell him.
- If you’re with someone who treats you well and is happy to be with him, don’t let your mom or dad force you to choose. Make it clear to her that today’s world is more connected, and more and more people are overcoming barriers to come together.
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Tell your mom about your boyfriend who was flawed in the past but has changed. The situation can be quite delicate if you’re getting back together with your ex or your boyfriend has a past you don’t want your mom to know about. If you want to convince your mother that your boyfriend has changed, try to be objective and share the truth with her. Don’t respond to your mother’s criticisms with reproaches, but evidence your boyfriend’s actions to show her he’s really changed. [12] X Research Source
- Try saying, “I know you think Minh is a failure, but since we broke up, he’s changed, Mom. He’s been looking for a job and has been doing it for six months now. He got an apartment and bought a new car. Minh said he made amends so that you can think about it and come back to him.”
- If you’re an adult and know your boyfriend has things that your mom doesn’t like, consider all aspects of the situation. If you’ve only been dating that guy for a few weeks and you know it’s not going anywhere, maybe you shouldn’t tell your mom that you’re on a random date with a guy with eight piercings and tattoos. full arms. [13] X Research Source
- Remember that your mother is always worried about your happiness. If she doesn’t approve of your boyfriend, think about whether she has a point. Maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex or should break up with that guy with a complicated past. If you trust your mother’s intuition now, you may be able to avoid sadness later.
Handling when not approved
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Give mom time to understand the information. Be patient after letting your mom know, whether you’re talking about your first boyfriend, revealing that you’re gay, or talking about a guy who doesn’t fit her expectations. Don’t just spread the news and get up and leave – wait for your mom to respond and give her opinion.
- If your mom tells you to give her a minute to think, make sure to give her alone time if necessary.
- Let her know that you want to compromise and make her more comfortable with your relationship, for example by listening to the rules she makes. If you find her worried or hesitant, ask her if she has any conditions for you when you see him, or if you two are allowed to be alone. [14] X Research Source
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Tell her that you value her opinion and experience. Let her know that her experience and understanding is important to you. Explain that you expected her to believe in you about things like this and wanted her advice, so you told her about him. Add that you’re slowly maturing, and it’s only natural that you want a boyfriend. [15] X Research Source
- Ask about your mother’s experiences around dating, sex, health, and other relationship-related issues.
- Don’t leave all the details of your private life for a serious conversation.
- Try to communicate openly with her, both before and after you tell her about your boyfriend.
- Explain to your mother that honesty and mutual trust are extremely important to you. Find ways to dispel shyness and often initiate open, non-judgmental conversations.
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Do your best to avoid controversy over this issue. If your mom gets angry, don’t turn the conversation into a loud argument. Try to stay calm even if your mom gets angry and starts yelling. Remember that your mother is responsible for protecting you and only wants the best for you. If your mother’s reaction is not what you expected, you must stay calm and think twice before you speak. [16] X Research Source
- Maybe your mother disagrees with good reason. Maybe you’re too young to be in a relationship, or he just isn’t right for you. Don’t forget that mom has more experience in life than you.
- If you’re a teenager and really believe you’re mature enough to be in a relationship, your goal should be to show your mom that you’re mature enough to make your own decisions.
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Accept your mother’s reaction, even if she disagrees. If you throw a tantrum because your mom doesn’t agree, you’ll only prove to her that you’re not mature enough to have a boyfriend. Respect the way she raised you and remember that she did it out of concern for you. [17] X Research Source
- Behaving in an understanding and calm manner is your way of showing your mother your maturity. If she sees you growing and becoming more mature, eventually she will think again.
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Try to understand her point of view if she disagrees. Show her that you respect her point of view and want to learn more. Try not to ask questions just to get your way, but express that you want to understand her and want to share her thoughts. [18] X Research Sources
- If your mom says you’re not old enough, try asking, “So how old do you think you’re going to be? How old was your mother when she had a boyfriend? Do you think the difference between now and then affects the age at which people should start a relationship?”
- If your mom just doesn’t approve of the guy, ask why. Remember that your mother is often the only person in the world who is completely dedicated to your happiness. Ask, “Why do you think he’s not right for me? Have you ever dated someone like him and had a sad experience?”
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This article was co-written by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ people, people of color, and people who have difficulty reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master’s degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 11,078 times.
Due to their protective instincts, mothers are often wary of hearing their children announce that they have a boyfriend. This can be an awkward and sensitive conversation, whether he’s your first love, or he’s not what your mother expected, or if you’ve come out as gay and are dating. dating another boy. Even if your mom gets mad and doesn’t let you date him, you need to remember that she just wants the best for you. Listen to the reasons she gives with an open mind and ask her for advice. Tell her that you value her experience and understanding, and be responsible and mature enough to start making your own decisions about your relationship.
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