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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 41 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 188,163 times.
When you love someone who doesn’t love you, the whole world falls apart. The pain you go through is very real. Science has proven: being rejected emotionally activates pain-sensing neurons in the brain just like when the body is injured. [1] X Research Source You can’t control your emotions, but you can learn to work through this pain and move on.
Steps
Give Yourself Some Space
- Being rejected emotionally will actually cause the same brain reactions as when you were in a detox. [3] X Research Sources[4] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- Psychologists estimate that 98% of us have been in one-sided love. Knowing that you’re not alone may not help, but it’ll also make you feel better knowing you’re not the only one going through this. [5] X Research Sources
- Emotional rejection can also cause depression. [6] X Research Sources If you notice you have any of the following, see a psychologist right away: [7] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source
- Change in eating or sleeping habits
- Feeling hopeless and helpless
- Mood swings
- Can’t control negative thoughts
- Having thoughts of self-harm
- If possible, take the time to nibble on the sadness. This will give you time to heal. For example, when you realize (or someone tells you) that the other person doesn’t have feelings for you, you should find a place to be alone for a while, even if it’s just a 15-minute commute.
- However, you should not wallow in suffering. If it’s been weeks that you haven’t left the house, haven’t showered and just worn an old shirt, you’ve gone too far. Sadness is normal, but if you don’t try to return to normal life, you will forever be immersed in thoughts and feelings for that person.
- You should also remember: you can’t always control your emotions. But you can try to control how you react to that emotion.
- You don’t have to be upset or angry. Just tell the person to give you time to work through these feelings. If that person really cares about you, they’ll give you what you need, even if it’s not a very pleasant experience.
- If the person you want to stop being in love with is someone you used to rely on a lot emotionally, you should find another friend to replace that position. Ask a friend if you can reach out to them whenever you feel like contacting the other person.
- Unfriend the person on social networks, or at the very least, hide their posts. Remove the person’s number from your phone so you don’t intend to contact them again. You don’t want to be reminded of that person all the time, nor have to see what they do. That will only make it harder to leave them.
- Cry if you want. Crying is also a form of therapy. It will reduce feelings of anxiety and anger, in addition, it also helps your body reduce stress. If you want, you can take a paper box and cry freely, just give it a try. [16] X Research Source
- Avoid violent actions such as shouting, hitting, or breaking things. You may feel better at first, but scientific studies show that using violence to express anger – even if you vent your anger at inanimate objects – will only make you feel better. anger increased. [17] X Trusted Source Association for Psychpogical Science Going to the source Thinking and analyzing why you feel this way is much healthier and more beneficial. [18] X Research Sources
- Express your feelings through artistic activities such as music, painting or a hobby. This is very helpful. However, it is best to avoid art forms that contain sad or angry emotions like death metal music. When you are suffering, such art can make you feel even worse. [19] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source
- Think about the traits that are likely to cause disharmony in the person’s relationship. [21] X Research Source
- For example: Maybe because they’re afraid of socializing, they won’t be able to acknowledge your relationship when you need it.
- Studies show that recognizing the other person’s bad points will help you get over the pain of emotional rejection faster. [22] X Research Source
- However, don’t get caught up in talking bad about the person to feel better about yourself. Later on, this kind of thinking will make you feel even more bitter and angry than it will calm you down.
- Believe it or not, being rejected emotionally will temporarily make you a little less intelligent. If you find it difficult to rationally explain your feelings, accept that you need some time to get back to “normal.” [23] X Research Sources
- You can still grieve over that person without having to blame them. Don’t let your friends do the same. Friends may criticize the other person for not loving you. If this happens, thank them for their support, but say: “It’s not fair to blame the person for something beyond their control. Please do something to help me forget that person.”
- For each keepsake, think of the memories associated with them, and then imagine that you are tying them to a balloon. When you put them away, imagine the ball flying up into the sky and you’ll never see it again.
- If those are in good condition, consider donating them to a thrift store or homeless shelter. Think of the new memories your old shirt, teddy bear, or CD can bring to its new owner. This right action will mark the major life change you are going through.
Applying Short-Term Measures
- Give your phone to a friend (preferably a friend who doesn’t drink) and tell them not to give it back, no matter how drunk you make excuses or pleas.
- Remove that number from your phone. As such, you will no longer have a way to call or text the other person.
- Call a friend. Read a good book. Watch a funny movie. Create something. Garden. Decorate. Find something that engages you long enough to let go of the other person for a while. The more you get used to stopping thinking about the other person, the easier it will be to get over them.
- Spending a certain amount of time just thinking about that person is also a good tip. Don’t spend too much time on these things, about 10 to 15 minutes should be enough. When you find yourself starting to think about that person again, you can tell yourself, “Not now. I’ll think about it later.” And when that time comes, you can think about that person. When the time is up, think about something else and do other things.
- When you know that the person also feels bad for not being able to reciprocate your feelings, you can take a different look at the situation. Usually, someone doesn’t love you because they’re bad, they hate you, or they want to hurt you.
- Jot down all the great things about yourself you can think of. If you can’t think, ask a friend for help.
- Show that you love yourself for it. For example: “I may not be strong right now, but I’m very good at roller skating and I’m proud of it.” [30] X Research Source
Start Recovery
- Things that remind you of the past can be anything. From a photo of that person on Facebook to a song related to them. Maybe it’s a scent (like apple pie, for example, because you and your partner once competed for apple pie, for example).
- If you happen to come across something like that, take note of it and try to get over it. Don’t cling to the emotion it brings. For example, if you hear a song that reminds you of the other person, turn it off or skip to another song. Acknowledge the feelings of sadness and regret you’re having, and then turn your attention to happier things (what you’re having for dinner tonight or plans for an upcoming outing).
- Remember, you don’t have to hide from them forever. You’re trying to make it easier to get over the pain, and recalling the past makes things harder. When you get over it, sometimes the memories still come flooding back, but it will make you less painful.
- Find someone you can trust. Maybe it’s someone who isn’t trying to force you to calm down. It could also be a family member you can call every time you feel down. It could be a psychiatrist, especially if you’re really having trouble getting over a long-term relationship, or it has to do with other issues. [33] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- You can write down your feelings if you don’t want to talk to others. The good side of this is that you’ll be able to track your recovery. This will also be proof that you can get over the pain of emotional rejection.
- Talking to someone who has been through something similar can also help. You can ask about their experience and how they overcame this.
- People who have been through the same thing will understand other people’s problems. You will have to explain less to them and they will understand you more.
- Do not share with people who have never endured such sadness, especially if they make fun of this. Never mind, because they haven’t experienced it, they won’t understand.
- Strengthening your belief in a superior (God, Buddha, etc.), spiritual strength can be a very powerful weapon to help you stay resilient during difficult times. [34] X Research Source
- Studies show that communicating with the people you love helps you recover faster. Psychological trauma often manifests itself very clearly. You will overcome sadness faster when you spend good time with your loved ones.
- Pleasure is important because of its effects on the brain. Feeling happy will reduce anger and help you feel more optimistic. [36] X Research Source Laughter is also the best medicine: it stimulates the body to produce endorphins, a natural happy hormone. It also increases the body’s tolerance to pain. [37] X Research Source So, go see a funny movie, sing karaoke comfortably, dance on a spring mattress… Have fun, laugh, and recover gradually.
- Remember that you can live without that person, and that person is not perfect either. You can totally fall in love with someone else.
- Remind yourself that people and situations change. Feelings of the present also won’t last a lifetime, especially when you deal with them more proactively and positively.
- Example: Find the good points of this incident. You have confessed all the feelings that the person did not accept. But anyway, you were very strong, brave and daring to get hurt. If we don’t dare to suffer, we won’t be able to connect with others or feel deeply emotional things like happiness and love. [41] X Research Source
- Let’s see if this is related to a larger problem. There are some people who always have feelings for those who have rejected them. This is especially noteworthy if, as a child, you did not feel secure in your relationship with your parents. [42] X Research Source If you’ve been in love with someone who rejected you more than once, you may subconsciously choose to love people who are similar to your parents. Perhaps it would be helpful to talk to a psychologist about this.
- Remind yourself: through this experience, you will learn to be strong and rely on yourself to get through it. Rejection isn’t the most enjoyable way to learn it, but if you focus on learning instead of wallowing in pain, you’ll come out stronger. [43] X Research Source You can also better understand your own feelings and needs. [44] X Research Source
- If your finances are not strong enough to do something big, try doing small things every day. Let’s go to a new place in the city. Try hanging out with a new group of friends on a Saturday night. Rearrange furniture in the house. Join a new band. Learn a new hobby like cooking or climbing.
- Avoid doing things that are too reckless, unless you are sure you want to do so. This is the time when many people decide to cut their hair or get a tattoo. It is best to wait until your mind is stable before making such changes.
- Self growth. Don’t change yourself just because the other person doesn’t like you. [47] X Research Source However, if there’s something you want to improve in yourself, go for it. Let’s learn a new foreign language. Exercise according to the new schedule. Take a flamenco guitar class.
- Improve your other side as well. While you spend so much time thinking about that person, many interesting aspects of life have been neglected by you. Spend more time on things and people that you missed while dealing with the pain of love rejection.
- Don’t “personalize” emotional rejection. It’s easy to feel that the person rejects you because you’re not pretty or smart enough or something like that. Learn to avoid this kind of false thinking and you will feel less vulnerable. You also won’t try to “fix” yourself to win the other person’s affections. Remember: the problem is not with you. [48]X Research Source
- Stepping out of your comfort zone has many other benefits as well. Feeling secure has been shown to reduce your motivation to change. A little bit of novelty will help you change the essentials in your life. [50] X Research Source
- Learning to step out of your comfort zone also makes it easier to deal with future insecurities. Taking (within control) risks and challenging yourself will help you realize: hurt is a natural thing, and you will no longer feel broken every time something goes wrong. [51] X Research Source
- If you keep assuming your rejection is your fault, you may never want to try something new again. Dare to take risks, even small ones, will keep you from shrinking into a shell. [52] X Research Source
Next step
- You start to realize what’s going on with people. Many times, you are so sad that you can only think about yourself. When you begin to care about what other people do, you will find you are recovering very well psychologically.
- Every time someone calls, you stop wondering if that person is calling (especially when receiving a call from an unknown number).
- You’ve stopped attaching your story to songs and movies about unrequited love. In fact, you have begun to care about things that have nothing to do with love or the pain of love.
- You stop imagining how suddenly that person realizes how much they still love you.
- Avoid working with that person or letting them into your life, until you’re sure it won’t make you emotional again.
- If you feel the pain coming back, don’t worry. You’ve worked hard to get over that person, and those efforts will pay off. Emotions will come rushing in and if you give in now, things will get difficult later.
- You don’t have to go looking for a new relationship. Just enjoy the presence of new friends. That is very helpful.
- Beware of alternate relationships. Sometimes, finding a surrogate is what your doctor recommends, but it only works if you’re ready for it. You need to be honest with yourself and the person you’re dating that this is just a substitute. Don’t let the new person fall in love with you desperately the way you loved the other person. [54] X Research Source
Advice
- Realize that you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them.
- Remember: love must come from both sides. Otherwise, you will lose the good years of your life waiting for something that will never happen.
- Learn to love yourself before you find someone else to love.
Warning
- Don’t try to stay in a relationship without love. You may think that with enough time, you will make the person fall in love with you, but in reality, that is completely impossible. You and that person won’t be happy, and that’s not fair to either of you.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 41 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 188,163 times.
When you love someone who doesn’t love you, the whole world falls apart. The pain you go through is very real. Science has proven: being rejected emotionally activates pain-sensing neurons in the brain just like when the body is injured. [1] X Research Source You can’t control your emotions, but you can learn to work through this pain and move on.
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