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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 5,956 times.
Criticism is poison to healthy relationships. While it’s completely understandable to express disappointment when someone hurts you by their behavior, over time, being overly critical can put a strain on any relationship. [1] X Source of Research First, improve your own behavior to hold back before you start criticizing. Then, the effort to educate yourself and challenge every preconception has led you to become overly critical.
Steps
Change Your Behavior
- It’s best not to criticize other people’s personalities. It is very difficult for us to control the individual features of our personality. If your roommate has a tendency to indulge in her own hobbies, it might be best to just smile and nod as she talks endlessly about her new favorite TV show. If this were simply part of who she was, criticism probably wouldn’t bring about any change in behavior. [3] X Research Sources
- Avoid judging someone’s character by their actions. For example, with your boyfriend forgetting to pay his monthly phone bill on time. Say things like, “Why are you so absent-minded?” won’t make any significant changes. Perhaps it’s best to shut up now and later, when you’ve calmed down, discuss ways to effectively manage bill payments. It could be downloading mobile software that reminds you when your monthly bill is due. [4] X Research Sources
- Remember the last time you criticized someone. What is the cause of this criticism? Is what you would expect in that situation realistic? For example, a situation that criticizes your girlfriend for being late in replying to texts whenever she gathers with friends. You blame it for making you feel unappreciated and she should respond immediately.
- Let’s stop and evaluate those expectations. Can you really expect your girlfriend to hold her phone all the time when she’s socializing? It is possible that you have also sometimes missed messages or replied late when you were busy. In this case, perhaps you should adjust your own expectations. It may not be appropriate to expect an immediate response when knowing that she is seeing or talking to someone else.
- For example, a friend with a habit of canceling appointments. Maybe you feel it’s a sign of disrespect and need to criticize the person for not taking your relationship seriously. However, in reality, it is possible that this friend’s actions were not personal at all.
- Let’s look at the above situation from the outside. Is the person extremely busy? Or is she simply the uncertain type in general? Is your friend more introverted than usual? There are a multitude of factors that can cause a person to frequently cancel appointments. Chances are it’s not just happening to you. Criticism can add to their already stressful life.
- When you see someone jostling in line, do you immediately assume that person is rude? If so, stop for a few seconds and reconsider. Maybe they’re in a hurry. Maybe they were so absorbed in their thoughts that they didn’t realize they had interrupted. You may resent the action. Squeezing in the queue is really annoying. However, try not to judge the character of someone you don’t know just by this act. [8] X Research Sources
- When you learn to separate people from their actions, you will naturally be less likely to want to criticize. When you realize you can’t judge a person’s character based on a single choice or decision, you won’t be able to tell someone is rude or disrespectful.
- A positive attitude can help you change your response to stress. Negative emotions activate the amygdala, which plays an important role in eliciting feelings that are deeply rooted in anxiety. Extreme agitation or stress can lead to negative interactions with others. Making an effort to build a positive attitude can help you stop criticizing. [9] X Research Source
- Believe that everyone has some good nature in them. Although you may feel doubtful of this fact, try to put your trust in people. Go out and discover individuals who are acting nice in this world. Look out for people who say friendly greetings to cashiers in supermarkets. Notice the co-workers who smile at you every time you walk into the office. [10] X Research Source
- Often, someone’s flaws are actually rooted in other positive qualities. For example, maybe your boyfriend is very slow when it comes to basic housework. Maybe he used 20 minutes more than usual to clean the dishes after washing.
Communicate More Efficiently
- Let’s go back to the example mentioned above. Boyfriend always forgets to pay his phone bill on time every month. This leads to unnecessary stress and starts to affect his credit score. You might want to say something like, “Why can’t you pay more attention to paying your bills?” or “Why don’t you remember their expiration date?”. This probably won’t help. Your boyfriend understands himself that he needs to be more conscious, but for some reason, it’s still difficult to do so.
- Instead, make suggestions on a supportive basis and work towards finding a solution. Say something like, “I’m glad you’re trying to be more responsible. Why don’t we go to the store and get a big calendar back? Every time the bill comes in, you can write it down. put the expiration date on it”. You can also offer to help in any way you can. For example: “Every month, I will remind you to note the due date for paying bills”.
- Let’s say your boyfriend always forgets to wash the dishes after using them. Instead of repressing anger, which can lead to criticism later, clarify the issue right away. [13] X Research Source
- Communicate respectfully. Don’t say: “Stop putting dirty dishes in the sink. It drives me crazy. You wash them.” Instead, try saying things like, “Can you try to clean all the dishes after you use them? I feel like my kitchen utensils are piled up a lot.” [14] X Research Source
- An “I” statement has a three-part structure. It starts with “I see that” and is immediately followed by how you feel. Next, you explain the action that gave that feeling. Finally, explain why you feel that way. [15] X Research Source
- For example, consider the case of being annoyed by your boyfriend spending most of the weekend with his friends instead of you. Don’t say: “It hurts when you spend all your time with your friends and don’t even bother to invite me. You’re always pushed aside.”
- Rephrase the above feeling using the statement “I”. You can say something like, “I feel left out when you meet up with friends and don’t ask me out because I feel like you don’t spend any free time with me.” [16] X Research Source
- Think about the criticism you are going to say. How would you feel if you were the recipient of that criticism? Even if there’s some truth to what you’re about to say, is it worded to be easily receptive? For example, when your boyfriend is constantly late for appointments, you might want to say, “You’re so disrespectful to me for being so late all the time.” The truth is, it’s possible that your boyfriend didn’t mean to disrespect you at all and he might feel assailed by criticism expressed that way. How do you feel when someone yells at you like that? [17] X Research Source
- At the same time, try to consider external factors that can influence a person’s behavior. Suppose your best friend has become more detached lately. Maybe she’s slow to respond to messages or doesn’t even respond to them at all. Was something going on in her life affecting her behavior? For example, maybe she is stressed with work or school. Maybe she just went through a difficult breakup. They may affect her ability or desire to socialize and integrate. Try to understand that and don’t be too quick to judge.
- Let others know the change you want in them. Let’s go back to the example with the boyfriend. Maybe you want your boyfriend to have better control of your time. Let him know ways he can get ready faster. Let him know a time frame in which you feel comfortable. If you desperately want to arrive a little earlier than your scheduled time, make that clear so he tries to leave a little earlier.
- You should also be willing to compromise. For example, arriving 30 minutes early before the party starts can be a bit overwhelming. Instead, perhaps from now on, you can agree to arrive 10 to 15 minutes early.
Looking Forward
- You may think that well-dressed or well-made people are materialistic people. The truth is, they may not have a sense of security. The way they dress may have contributed to making them feel better. Maybe to you only the lazy or the uninitiated can’t graduate from high school. However, it is possible that special family circumstances have interrupted their education. [19] X Research Source
- Remember that everyone makes mistakes. When someone stumbles, remember your own mistake. For example, when judging someone for jostling at an intersection, remind yourself of your passing error. [20] X Research Source
- A coworker who seems rude when he doesn’t join the conversation may have social anxiety. Your friend who talks too much about herself may have high functioning autism. The student who repeatedly asks the same questions in your algebra class may have a learning disability.
- Spend some time learning about hidden disabilities online. Before making any judgments about someone’s personality, remind yourself that many people are struggling with illnesses that are not easily seen by others. [22] X Research Source
- When you feel you need a psychologist, you can seek a referral from your regular doctor. You can also find a list of clinics or hospitals through your insurance provider.
- If you’re a college student, you can sign up for a free counseling service through the school.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 5,956 times.
Criticism is poison to healthy relationships. While it’s completely understandable to express disappointment when someone hurts you by their behavior, over time, being overly critical can put a strain on any relationship. [1] X Source of Research First, improve your own behavior to hold back before you start criticizing. Then, the effort to educate yourself and challenge every preconception has led you to become overly critical.
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