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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
This article has been viewed 2,129 times.
When you are verbally abused by your husband, the situation can be complicated by feelings for your partner, but you still suffer serious damage to your mental and emotional health. Remember that you can’t change the person’s behavior – only he can decide to stop the abuse. Violence is irrational behavior and your actions will not change. If he doesn’t decide to change, be prepared to leave him or her to stop the cycle of abuse.
Steps
Respond in a different way
- He gets mad because I’ve been in the bathroom for a long time – I shouldn’t feel bad for taking the time to shower and put on makeup. He could easily use another bathroom.
- He doesn’t want to eat what he cooks. He said it looked disgusting. But it’s not about his food – he just wants to feel bad about himself. I won’t fall into a trap.
- He criticized me for looking fat. I know it’s not. He just wanted me to be insecure.
- How should I feel about being laughed at by my husband just because my friends and I like to watch silly movies. I shouldn’t care. It’s sad that he can’t be happy to see that his wife has good friends.
- I’m disappointed that he won’t go hiking with me even though he used to nag me when I didn’t go with him. I don’t want to spend all Sunday cooking and cleaning for him – he’s just going to mess with me anyway. I should spend time away from that negativity.
- I’m not good enough for him. He keeps saying that but it’s really not true, it’s just because he’s insecure and having problems at work.
- “I was sad when you laughed at my appearance. Can’t you do that again?”
- “I feel sad and worried when you get angry just because the clothes are not washed in time. Can you help me instead of getting angry?”
- “You scolding me for being such an idiot will make me feel guilty. I’m not stupid, so stop calling me that.”
Speak up
- “Stop talking to me like that.”
- “Write down what you told me, so I can read it back to you.”
- “I don’t talk to you anymore. When you calm down, we can continue talking.” (Don’t say this if it could escalate the situation.)
- Separate your money to separate, not related to your husband.
- One bag of identification documents (such as passports), social security cards, clothing, medications, banking information, legal documents (car papers, marriage registration, birth certificates), send that bag for a colleague or someone your husband doesn’t know.
- If you have children, bring their birth certificate, social security card, vaccination record, clothes, medicine, identity card (if any).
Seeking support
Appropriate response
- Change your phone number and only give it to trusted friends and family, asking them not to give your number to them.
- Clear your browser history so he can’t find the information you left on the shared computer. If you’re worried about retaliation or venting your anger, create a fake trail. Search online for places a few hours away from where you actually live. Write down the number of motels in that city (where you won’t be).
- Get to a safe place that’s been prepared in advance – a relief center, someone’s house your husband doesn’t know, a hotel.
- Write a note letting your husband know that you have moved and what you will do next (apply for a restraining order, divorce, etc.). Let him know how to contact a family member or friend to get you worded, but warn him not to speak to you directly.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
This article has been viewed 2,129 times.
When you are verbally abused by your husband, the situation can be complicated by feelings for your partner, but you still suffer serious damage to your mental and emotional health. Remember that you can’t change the person’s behavior – only he can decide to stop the abuse. Violence is irrational behavior and your actions will not change. If he doesn’t decide to change, be prepared to leave him or her to stop the cycle of abuse.
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