How to Stay Out of an Abusive Relationship

Relationships can turn violent in many ways, but ultimately it boils down to a quest for power and control. An abusive relationship is when one person uses any type of violence, whether physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological, to influence or control the other person. ^{[1] X Trusted Source United States Department of Justice Go to Source}^{[2] X Research Source} Although, victims of violence are often women, men can experience the same thing. Violence is quite common in same-sex relationships as well as in heterosexual relationships. ^{[3] X Credible Sources Centers for Disease Contrp and Prevention Go to the source} If you believe you are being abused, you should seek emergency help, such as calling 113 for prompt intervention. time. You can also learn how to identify the warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Table of Contents

Perception of abusive personality

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Look for unhealthy perfectionism. Abusers often have unrealistic expectations. They believe that things need to work out in a particular direction or according to their own standards. They have a strong sense of what is “fair” and “unfair,” and they are quite rigid. ^{[4] X Source of Research} When things don’t go according to their unrealistic expectations, they get “crazy”, resentful, angry, and even resort to violence. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

Abusers often want people, especially their loved ones, to conform to their unrealistic and unfair standards. They may say things like “I am the only person you need in life”, and expect you to fulfill all their requests. ^{[6] X Research Sources}
They often get unreasonably angry over petty difficulties, like traffic jams or when their children’s test scores are bad.
Perfectionists are not necessarily abusive. But the above behaviors can be “warning” signs.

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Consider whether the person may exhibit “mood swings” or other signs of an emotional disturbance. Everyone has mood swings from time to time, but abusive people often swing between a variety of emotions. You may feel like you have to “be wary” around the person, or that they are a “detonator” that any trigger can trigger. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

The person may hold back his or her emotions until they erupt. Or, they will become passive-aggressive and try to make you feel guilty in some way. Outbursts and sentimentality are warning signs of an emotionally unhealthy person.
In many cases, emotional instability can be caused by a mental or behavioral disorder. For this condition, your lover needs to conduct treatment and counseling. You shouldn’t live with an abuser just because they need help. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

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Think about whether the person accepts his or her responsibilities. Abusers often deny responsibility for their own actions whenever possible. They blame others for making them feel and act that way. ^{[9] X Research Source}

For example, the person might say something like, “You upset me because you contradict me and I can’t control myself.” This saying is to blame individual actions on others.
Abusers will blame others for the breakdown of their past relationships. You’d be hard pressed to take this as a warning sign, especially when they speak better of you than the other person. For example, the person may blame you for the failure of their previous relationship by saying, “You’re so nice, not like the psychopath I used to date.”

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Think about whether you feel recognized. Abusers often feel that they have rights, as if their needs and ideas are more important than anyone else’s. ^{[10] X Research Sources} Even in a healthy romantic relationship where one person is “in power,” both participants will take each other’s ideas and needs into consideration. An abusive relationship is usually one-way. ^{[11] X Research Source}

If you don’t feel like your crush listens to you or cares about your thoughts and needs, this is a sign that the relationship is unhealthy.
You need to feel comfortable talking to your partner about difficult topics, even if you don’t agree with them. Although, even in a healthy relationship, compromise is not easy, both parties need to feel that they are heard and respected.
The average person who tries to be the “right” person at all costs will not pay attention to your needs and desires.

Identify abuse

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Consider whether you are free. Even in the healthiest attachment relationship, both partners need to feel the freedom to express themselves and make their own decisions. Abusers often intentionally take away power and freedom from their victims. They will be jealous, controlling, and even make you feel guilty for trying to express your needs. You should think about whether you notice some of the following: ^{[15] X Research Sources}^{[16] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source}

The person asks you to “report” your location to them at all times.
He or she tries to control what you wear, where you go, and who you meet.
They monitor your internet, mobile, or social media usage, or ask you for your account password.
You can hardly use money or transportation.
Your lover isolates you from your friends and family.
They forbid you from seeing other people unless they’re with them, or get angry at you when you spend time alone with friends.

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Think about how you feel around your partner. Sometimes, people will become upset, even angry, or feel hurt by the words or actions of their loved one. However, these experiences are usually transient and occasional. If you are constantly feeling upset, hurt, humiliated, or disappointed with your partner, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. You should consider the following: ^{[17] X Research Sources}

Do you feel as if your partner is “draining your lifeline”? Is spending time with them emotionally as well as physically exhausting?
Do you feel bad about yourself around that person?
Is the person you love trying to make you feel responsible or guilty for their feelings and actions?
Do you feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or belittled around your partner?
Do you feel that there is a standard difference between your behavior and that of your partner?

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Listen to how the person talks to you. A healthy relationship does not involve belittling, humiliation, disrespect, or threats. ^{[18] X Source of Research} Sometimes it’s natural to hurt each other’s feelings, but it should never happen on purpose, and the person causing the injury needs to admit it. accept and apologize. You should ask yourself the following to determine if you are in an abusive relationship: ^{[19] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Does he often criticize or poke you?
Does the person you love call you by a bad name or insult you?
Are they saying that you “deserve” insults?
Did the person continue to do something after you told them they hurt you?
Do you think of yourself as being ignored, dismissed, or disrespected?
Does your partner yell or scream at you?
Do you feel bad for yourself when your crush talks to you?

Get out of an abusive relationship

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You should know that violence is never your fault. Unfortunately, many common misconceptions are that some people “deserve” abuse or “make trouble for themselves”. This is a completely wrong idea. Whatever you do, you deserve to be treated with courtesy and kindness. Violence is never the fault of the victim. ^{[26] X Research Sources}

This applies to all types of abuse. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

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Share with someone you trust. It can be difficult and even dangerous to leave an abusive relationship. You should not deal with it alone. Share your concerns with someone you trust. They can be friends, relatives, counselors, authorities, or someone in your religious organization. You should let them know everything you are going through and ask them for help. ^{[27] X Research Source}

The more support you have, the more likely you will be to get out of an abusive relationship and lead a healthier, happier life.

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Contact the domestic violence hotline. These hotlines will help you even if you are not in an emergency situation. They will provide you with trained staff to listen to you and help you brainstorm options for the situation. They will also help you find safe ways to deal with problems, refer you to a few local resources, and let you talk to someone who understands. ^{[28] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to source}

In Vietnam, you can call (04) 3775 9339, Hotline for counseling people experiencing domestic violence.
You can consult the HotPeachPages website to find data on domestic violence agencies. ^{[29] X Research Sources}

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Break up with the abuser. The abuser will often try to attack your kindness by promising change. This is part of the cycle of abuse and should not be trusted. Don’t interact with that person at all costs. ^{[30] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to source}

You will also feel pressured by your community, family, or tradition to “forgive” that person. You should remember that true forgiveness must be done for your benefit, not the other person’s. You can choose to remove the burden or anger without allowing the abuse to continue.
It will be hard to stop completely unless you really remove that person from your life.

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Seek professional help. Overcoming the effects of abuse can be extremely difficult. Between 31-84% of people who have escaped domestic violence experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). ^{[31] X Research Sources} Violence also triggers depression and anxiety. A mental health professional will help you get over your trauma and live a healthy, happy life. ^{[32] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to source}

Many agencies, hospitals, doctors, and shelters for abused women will refer you to a trained counselor or therapist.
Look for a therapist who uses an “evidence-based” treatment, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), cognitive therapy (CPT), prolonged exposure therapy (PE), or physical therapy. Eye movement desensitization and reperception (EMDR). EMDR is a common treatment for PTSD. ^{[33] X Research Sources}

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Strengthen your support network. Victims of abuse will find themselves thinking that abuse in their relationship is “normal” or something they “deserve”. This situation will increase the likelihood of a violent relationship forming in the future. Surrounding yourself with people who treat you well with care, love, and respect will help you realize that you deserve to be treated this way. ^{[34] X Research Sources}^{[35] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

Make friend. People who have been in an abusive relationship often feel isolated from friends and family. Making new friends will help you become stronger and more confident. ^{[36] X Research Source}
Join a club or association. Connecting with like-minded people or people with similar interests will help you feel like you are part of a larger community. ^{[37] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to source}
Be open to someone you trust. Some people may judge you, and this is both wrong and unfair. However, many others will be happy to be with you. Talking about your experiences with someone you trust will help you process them and move on.

Advice

You should remember that being alone is better than being with the wrong lover and having the wrong relationship.
You always deserve respect. Don’t forgive anyone who doesn’t treat you this way.

Warning

Violence won’t “get better”. Actually, it gets worse over time. Don’t suffer just because you hope that your “love” will change the person you love. The only person who can change them is themselves.
If you are in an emergency, call 113 or another emergency service right away.

Steps

Perception of abusive personality

Identify abuse

Get out of an abusive relationship

Advice

Warning

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