How to Set Boundaries When Befriending Your Ex

It’s hard to end a relationship with someone you once loved, so it’s normal to want to be friends with them. Many people will tell you that it’s impossible to be friends with your ex, but with some preparation and honesty, it’s doable! This wikiHow teaches you how to set clear boundaries and maintain a pure friendship with your ex.

Table of Contents

Make time for yourself a priority.

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Bringing this relationship down to the level of friendship right away sometimes doesn’t work. If you’ve just broken up, you probably still have a lot of emotions around them (both positive and negative). So, stop contacting for a while to let the wound heal. Even if you are the one who initiated the breakup, giving yourself time will help both of you in the future. ^{[1] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

There’s hardly a rule of thumb for how long to avoid your ex, but usually a few weeks or months is fine.
If you still have feelings for your ex, it might not be a good idea to try to maintain the friendship. Wait until you’re completely fine before trying to enter a platonic friendship.
You need to make sure that you want to be friends, not trying to win the person over again.

Forgive them if you are angry with them.

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You can’t be friends with someone if you’re still holding a grudge against them. If your ex has done something to make you angry, ask yourself if you can forgive them. Not all mistakes are forgivable so if you decide you can’t, it’s better to just stay your ex instead of trying to be friends. ^{[2] X Research Source}

It will be easier to be friends with your ex if the two of you break up amicably. If neither of you has any negative feelings, an interesting friendship may lie ahead.

Refrain from any flirting.

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These seemingly innocuous behaviors can actually disrupt the friendship between two people who once loved each other. When you and your ex meet, keep things clean and treat them like a good friend. Avoid physical contact, say evocative words, and absolutely do not offer any compliments about physical attractiveness. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

You may think you’ll never flirt with your ex again, but you’d be surprised! It’s easy to fall into old habits, especially when we’ve just broken up.

Stay away from “friends with benefits” relationships.

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Making love to an ex is never a good idea. If you want to keep a friendship, even a purely platonic relationship, put aside the thought of wanting to have sex with them. It may sound hard to resist at first, but you should avoid having sex or having sex with your ex unless you’re both back in the relationship. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Relationships “above friendship, below love” are sometimes beneficial, but usually with people who have never had feelings for each other. It is often said that “old love does not invite also comes”, so if the limit is exceeded, the past vibrations can completely rise up in you or that person and make things more complicated.

Go out in groups.

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Meet again in new roles by hanging out with friends. Seeing your ex alone can be a little intimidating, especially if it’s the first time since the breakup. If you both start hanging out together as friends, ask your ex to come with you and hang out. Or if you both have a lot of friends in common, the group can go somewhere together. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

Many people recommend that you never go out alone with your ex. This is a great way to keep boundaries clear because, after all, you should avoid putting yourself in a tempting or uncomfortable situation.

Build friendships out of shared interests.

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This is the main benefit of being friends with your ex. If you’re not sure what to do when you see each other, try fun activities you both did when you were in love (as long as it wasn’t romantic). Maybe the two of you were enamored with a certain movie or TV show, or enjoyed a group hike because you both love nature. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Think about what brought you both together in the first place. Rekindling this bond can lead to a meaningful and exciting friendship that is even stronger than the past.

Create new memories.

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Avoid dwelling on the past. It’s okay to talk about the past from time to time, but if this happens every time the two of you meet, it will blur the line. Try not to reminisce about sweet memories of the past, but instead focus on having fun together as friends. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Besides, don’t let yourself get caught up in bad memories. These can lead to feelings of resentment, making it difficult to be friends with your ex.

Explain this friendship to your new lover.

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When you start dating again, your new lover may feel strange about this friendship. Sit down and explain to them that you are still friends with your ex, but no longer have feelings for them. You can mention how you’ve kept this friendship simple since the breakup, and how you’ll never make your partner uncomfortable. Then, listen to the other person’s concerns and try to make them feel more comfortable. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

You can say: “You and Tuan used to date, then broke up for many years. We both realized that it’s better to be friends and now we’re just friends. I hope you understand and don’t get upset, you can even tell if I do something off-limits.”

Pay attention to your current lover’s feelings.

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If your current partner is uncomfortable, you may need to reevaluate. It’s completely normal if he/she is upset with you being friends with your ex because not everyone can accept this. Everyone has different life rules (such as not flirting with your best friend’s lover, not drinking alone, etc.), and your partner may want you to stop contacting your ex. It’s important to listen to your partner’s feelings, then explain that it’s just a friendship and that you don’t have any feelings for your ex right now. ^{[9] X Research Source}

You could say something like: “I know you find it strange, but you and Hoa are really just friends. At first we were friends, then we tried to get to know each other but it didn’t fit. If I’ve done anything to upset you, tell me so we can discuss and define new boundaries.”

Encourage the ex to have a new lover.

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Exes may start to get to know someone new, and that’s completely normal. If you want to be friends with your ex, what a friend should do is encourage them to move on. Besides, you should also be nice to their new lover when you meet. If you start to feel jealous or hard to describe when your ex is dating someone, it’s best to stop to avoid messing things up with these unwanted feelings. ^{[10] X Research Source}

If you’re going to see your ex’s other half, it’s important to present yourself well so that they feel comfortable. This is a situation where newcomers can feel a little pressured, so you need to be understanding and act delicately.
On the other hand, if you’re dating and your ex isn’t, don’t rush to reveal that fact. The person you once loved moving on too quickly is quite heartbreaking news, which will make it difficult for both of you to develop a good friendship.

Say no to things that make you uncomfortable.

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If your ex keeps going over the line, you have the right to say no. Maybe they want to go out alone, or ask you out for something like a date. If things are starting to seem strange or you simply don’t feel comfortable talking to him/her, just say that you want some quiet time. ^{[11] X Research Source}

You could say, “Since we’re not together anymore, I don’t really feel comfortable. Hope you understand me.”

End your friendship if things don’t go your way.

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Sometimes people who used to love each other can’t be friends and that’s it. If you start to feel the vibration or your partner is going too far, there is no need to continue the relationship. Let the person know that you don’t want to continue being friends for your own good, then consider cutting off contact for a while. ^{[12] X Research Source}

You could say something like: “I’m not sure if being friends is best for both of us. I’m a bit confused about this relationship so I want to stop for now.”

Steps