How to Reveal Gender to Parents

Revealing gender to parents can seem intimidating and daunting for many gay, lesbian, asexual, and bisexual or transgender people. Your parents have spent more time with you than anyone else, and coming out can upset their perception of you. However, it’s important to be honest with yourself and be honest with your parents. Making a plan to reveal your gender to them will make things easier for you.

Table of Contents

Planning to reveal gender to parents

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Consider how receptive parents are when receiving news. If you think your parents may have questioned your sexual orientation and will be supportive, then continue to plan. If you think your parents will be extremely shocked, consider their reaction.

If you think your parents might react negatively, wait a little longer to tell them. Consider questions like whether your parents made homophobic statements, whether it would hurt you if they reacted negatively, or if you were financially dependent on them. If the answer to any of these thoughts is “yes,” then it’s better to wait until you can live independently and financially, or until you feel ready for a new life. Strong support team. ^{[1] X Research Source}
Listen to your instincts about whether or not to tell your parents. There’s a difference between feeling anxious when talking to supportive parents and feeling apprehensive about telling parents who are likely to react.
Remember, your parents will think they know everything about you because they raised you up. If they don’t, keep this in mind when considering how to talk to them.
Speak up if you want to know more about their reaction.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Marriage & Family Therapist

Jin Kim is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ people, people of color, and people who have difficulty reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master’s degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.

Jin S. Kim, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert advice: Before revealing to your parents, observe key factors that may influence how they react, like religion and other cultural nuances. Consider whether you’re at risk of being evicted and make sure you have enough resources to support you in the event your parents react aggressively to your disclosure.

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Decide how to talk to your parents. There are different ways you can do this, such as live chat or by mail.

Consider interactions between family members when contemplating how to talk to them, and how you feel most comfortable communicating. It will be easier for you to explain things in writing and can give them more time to absorb the information. On the contrary, maybe your family prefers face-to-face conversations, or maybe you’re better at expressing opinions verbally.
Stick with your decision. This will prevent procrastination or headless talk when confessing to your parents.

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Coordinate with support resources to get through the conversation with parents. Once you’ve decided how to talk to your parents, the next step is to build a support team of people who will be there for you when you need it.

If you have a relative, friend, teacher, or counselor who knows you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, form a support team with them. Make sure they don’t mind when you go to them for advice and in case your parents react negatively when you talk about your gender.
Ask the parents of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people to act as your parents’ support. You can send your parents to a group of like-minded parents to help them come to terms with your gender status. Ask other parents who are willing to meet them before you reveal your gender.
Make sure you’re mentally prepared for this conversation and ready to answer your parents’ questions. In addition, you should consider accepting treatment if suggested, as this attests that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.

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Find books, handbooks or websites about the LGBT community for parents. Providing more information to help them better understand your perspective will help them get through this period of loss. ^{[2] X Research Source}

www.facebook.com/LGBTVietNamOfficial/ Official social networking site of the LGBT community in Vietnam.
www.transrespect.org This is a website that summarizes the legal, health and social situation of transgender people in 190 countries (including Vietnam)
YouthResource.org
PFLAG Community (Parents, Relatives and Friends of Gays)
Novel “Call Me By Your Name” (Call Me By Your Name)
Novel “Danish Girl”
Brokeback Mountain Love Story
The Lonely Book
The book “When you look out the window: How did Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin contribute to the construction of society?”
Books recommended by the Gay-Straight Alliance Network
Books recommended by UWSP . University
Website Trans-Youth Family Allies

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Research the questions you anticipate your parents might ask. Be well informed when talking to your parents to assure them that you are serious about this and that this is not simply a “phase” or illness that can be “cured.” Be prepared to answer any of the following questions or comments: ^{[3] X Research Sources}

“Are you sure?”
“Why did you become gay?”
“I heard that gay men all have HIV/AIDS.”
“Is gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender all unnatural?”
“Why didn’t you tell me about it until now?”
“Can I get a job?”
“How can I get married?”
“According to your parent’s religion, homosexuality is wrong.”
“What if statistics on gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender assaults?”
“Will I have a happy life?”
“So you’re going to be different from now on?”
“Are you going to come out with your gender? This will make me feel uncomfortable.”
“What can I do for you?”

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Have a backup plan if the conversation goes awry and you’re living with your parents. For example, if your parents don’t support you or kick you out of the house, you need somewhere to go and someone to help you during this time. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Seek help from friends, family members, teachers or counselors with whom you have revealed your gender. Ask if they can let you stay, or can help you find a safe place to stay in case your parents kick you out. This is also the ideal place to go if you already have a home but need someone to talk to and support after being strongly opposed by your parents about your sexual orientation.
Take the time to save some money so you can support yourself. This means you should get a part-time job, if you are of legal working age or save another income.
If you don’t have your own transportation, find yourself a way to get around and get to where you need to go. This means you can hitchhike from the person or family you’re staying with, from a friend or support person, or use the city’s public transport system.
Find ways to thank the person or family you’ll be staying with during this time. You can pay them “rent” if you can, or help them clean the house and do other errands to make things easier.

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Have a backup plan if the conversation goes awry and you’re living on your own. You’ll still need support in case things don’t go well.

Seek help from friends, family members or counselors who have been revealed by you and who are available to support you. Arrange to meet one of them at their own home or at your favorite place in case the conversation with the parents goes awry.
If you live independently from your parents but still receive financial support from them and you think it’s likely they won’t support you anymore, get a part-time or full-time job where you can take care of themselves.
Think about how to give your parents some alone time and space. Try reaching out to them from time to time by phone, email or in person, or wait for them to contact you. Choose the way that works best for your family.

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Choose an appropriate time and place to reveal your gender. There’s usually never a “right time” to do something like that, but you need to think about when to tell them.

Avoid revealing your gender during an argument, extended family gathering, celebration, or family crisis. This may make your parents think you’re revealing your gender because you’re angry or want to appear a different person. ^{[5] X Research Sources}
Find or create a time just you and your parents. You will not be interrupted or interrupted while speaking.
Ensure gender disclosure is done at home rather than in public. Your parents may overreact, which will cause trouble in public. They may also think you’re joking, or trying to embarrass them.

Choose what to say to your parents

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Think about how you want to start the conversation. ^{[6] X Source of Research} This can be the hardest part, because opening is always the hardest step.

“I have something to tell you, because I feel like I’ve kept it a secret for a long time. I’m ready to talk to you about this right now.”
“I’ve had something hard to say for a long time on my mind.”
“I need to talk to my parents about something important to me. It is very important for me to be honest with my parents.”

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Reveal your gender to your parents by explaining your sexual orientation. There is no right or wrong way to talk about this, so choose the way you feel most comfortable. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

“I’m gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender. I realized this about myself a long time ago.”
“I think I might be gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender. I feel attracted to people of the same sex and I don’t know what to think.” OR “I feel there’s something wrong. I think I’d be more comfortable being a boy/girl, doing the things boys/girls usually do.”
“From the time I was ___ years old, I knew I was gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender.”

Revealing gender to parents

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Gender disclosure to parents according to the prepared plan. Make a route plan so you can chat or email them.

Willing to answer their questions
Offer the books, handbooks, and other materials you have so they can learn more.
Remember to switch to a backup plan if things don’t go well.

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Be clear in your decision to reveal your gender to your parents and in your perception that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Taking a firm stance in your own self-awareness will help ease your parents’ confusion.

Show your parents certainty about your sexuality and make sense by standing your ground.
Share why you’re revealing to your parents, what you want to be honest with them, and strengthen your bond with them. ^{[9] X Research Source}

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You should understand that parents will go through the same emotional stages as if they had just suffered a loss. This will be their path to consent, but keep in mind that some parents may skip some stages and some parents may never truly accept. It will be a particularly challenging time for them to go through the first few stages.

Shock
Negate
Feeling guilty
Express feelings
Make your own decisions
Sincerely accept

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Stay calm when talking to them. Your parents will see your maturity and seriousness in this conversation.

Remember to avoid tantrums and turn the conversation into an argument.
Take the time to explain them. At this point, your roles can be reversed with your parents when they need to research to understand your gender identity. You may find yourself needing to teach and guide them to accept this. ^{[10] X Research Source}
Answer their questions to the best of your ability, and when you can’t answer a question, point them to a resource where they can find the answer.
Avoid getting upset, upset, or angry if they seem slow to understand what’s going on. They need time to adapt.

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Reassure your parents that you love them and that you are doing this to improve your relationship with them. ^{[11] X Research Source} Reassurance helps maintain strong relationships with parents.

It helps to reassure your parents that you love and accept yourself. They’ll want to see you’re really happy.
Remind your parents that you are very healthy. ^{[12] X Research Source} They will probably quickly accept when reassured by this thought.
Be a support for parents during this time. The act of showing extreme love for your parents and wanting to help them through this understanding phase is to support them. Do whatever you can to help them learn and understand why you’re disclosing your gender and understand more about the LGBT community.

Continued support after gender reveal

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Remember that this will take their time. It won’t be easy to go back to “normal” life right after the conversation. ^{[13] X Research Source}

Remind yourself of the stages your parents will go through in accepting your gender reveal.
Consider the emotions your parents may experience when faced with your gender reveal: guilt, self-blame, fear, bewilderment, mistrust, rejection. Your parents will most likely blame themselves and think they raised you the wrong way. For them, this will be a challenging period.
Or one parent may be more accepting than the other. Even though you think of your parents as an independent individual, remember that they are individuals who handle things in different ways and have distinct personalities.

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Accept your parents’ feelings. When your parents are dealing with your gender reveal, it’s important that you accept their feelings.

It’s strong even when parents express anger, pain, or sadness. Over time, they will master their emotions and begin to think more rationally about revealing your gender.
Avoid creating negative emotions for parents. This means that you should avoid getting angry when you reveal your gender to them, you should avoid creating negative emotions for your parents when they are trying to come to terms with this. Being angry or resentful towards them will slow down the acceptance process.

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Encourage parents to “disclose” to others. Part of the parental acceptance process may include sharing this information with relatives or close family friends. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Lead parents to parents who have gone through accepting their child’s gender status for support.
Encourage them to seek out support systems such as PFLAG (Parents, Relatives, and Friends of Gays). ^{[15] X Research Source}
Having a supportive relative acts as a bridge between you and your parents. Your parents will have a few more close and trusted people to talk to about coming out with your gender. ^{[16] X Research Source}

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Learn to accept no matter how long your parents accept the truth. Not all parents can truly accept the fact that their son or daughter is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, and you’ll need to learn to respect that and learn how to interact with mom or dad in this case.

If your parents are ready to learn more, take the time to introduce them to gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender friends. This can help them deal with their personal prejudices.
If your parents don’t want to talk about it, then you should be careful about telling them about your sexual orientation. They may need more time to accept, so don’t constantly put pressure on them.
If either or both parents do not want to accept this, contact support for help on how to resolve the issue. One parent can agree and continue to provide support and positive feedback. ^{[17] X Research Source}

Advice

There is no right or wrong way to tell your parents. Do what feels most comfortable for you and your family. ^{[18] X Research Sources}
Be prepared for adverse reactions.
Believe in yourself that you can do this and will get through it.
There is always an outside support team, one person or a group of people you can turn to for advice and comfort.
Make sure your parents know about the people you’ve revealed so they don’t accidentally tell someone you’re not ready to come out.

Steps

Planning to reveal gender to parents

Choose what to say to your parents

Revealing gender to parents

Continued support after gender reveal

Advice

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