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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 17 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,636 times.
When someone you love goes to prison, your life can also be turned upside down. In addition to feeling down because of the void left by that person in your daily life, you also struggle with the struggles of your partner’s lack of contribution. Moreover, you also have to face a maze of trouble in visiting that person in prison. As difficult as it may be, you can still learn how to create a new life for yourself when your loved one is not around.
Steps
Begin
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Live in the present. If you keep thinking about the long years ahead without the person you love, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Instead, live in the moment, dealing with the things that come your way each day. [1] X Research Source
- If you find it difficult to focus on the present moment, you can try the mindfulness method. For example, when taking a shower, try to focus on what you’re doing and don’t let your mind wander about what to do during the day. Instead, feel the shower gel caressing your skin, the hot water soothing your muscles, and the scent of the shower gel radiating around you. Focus on the senses you’re feeling instead of the thoughts running through your mind. [2] X Research Source
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Be prepared for what lies ahead. This advice seems to be the opposite of the step just mentioned above. However, you can still live in the present while knowing that what is to come can be difficult. For example, you may lose some relationships because a loved one is in prison. Maybe people are not as tolerant as you would like. [3] X Research Sources
- This will certainly make you sad, but understand that even if you lose friends, you can make new friends who are going through the same situation as you. Moreover, you will know who is always by your side when you are happy and also when you are suffering. [4] X Research Sources
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Financial planning and forecasting. If that person contributes a part of the income to the household expenses, you will have to make a new plan. Maybe you need to find one or even more part-time jobs. Take a hard look at your finances to determine what’s essential to your survival. [5] X Research Sources
- You need to include the cost of the person in prison. Support for people in prison can be a large amount of money for people outside. Relatives in prison need your support from phone bills to money to buy necessary items. However, these costs can add up very quickly, as even putting money into an account incurs fees. [6] X Source of Research So you need to create a financial plan that prescribes a monthly amount that you think is reasonable for your loved one in prison and stick to it. If you think that’s not enough, see if someone in your family is willing to help. [7] X Research Sources
- Maybe you will have to be more busy with household chores because you no longer have the support of that person. Don’t be afraid to ask family members for help when needed. [8] X Research Sources
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Take care of yourself. This can be a painful thing. You’ve lost someone important in your life, and it’s understandable that you’re grieving. But even so, don’t forget that you still have to take care of yourself. Try to sleep on time and eat well to have the energy to move on. [9] X Research Source
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Determine the number of times you can visit your loved one. Most prisons limit the number of times relatives can visit. Furthermore, the place where your loved one is being held may not be as close as you would like. So you have to decide how many times you can visit to prepare yourself and your loved ones in prison. [10] X Research Source
- You can also let the person know when you can write or text. [11] X Research Source
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Plan ahead what you will tell people. Deciding how to tell people can be difficult. Perhaps it is still best to tell the truth, as some may know from police records or in the press. However, if you feel uncomfortable with that, you can say that you and the person have broken up or that the person has to go away. It’s just that you have to say it consistently.
- In addition, you should also decide who to tell. Maybe you want to keep this a secret within your family, or maybe you want to tell certain close friends. It’s better to plan ahead about who will know about your story.
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Consider what you will say to your children. When your spouse is in prison, it is important to let your children know the truth. If you keep it a secret, your children will feel like you betrayed their trust when they discover the truth. Also, teach your child how to talk to outsiders. For example, your children might say, “Dad is far away,” or “Mom is in prison,” depending on your decision. [12] X Research Source
- Also, if you decide to have your child visit the person, you should come alone first to explore. That way, you can tell your kids what to expect when they get there and help ease their fears. [13] X Research Source
Visiting relatives in prison
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Find out about prison rules in advance. If possible, contact the prison in advance to know what will happen in advance. For example, you may be searched. Also, some prisons only allow remote video chat, so you’re probably not allowed to hug the person. Most prisons limit physical contact, to a maximum of one hug. You will be less stressed if you know what will happen in advance. [14] X Research Source
- If you are in the US, you are not allowed to give an inmate anything, such as a cake, so it is best not to bring such things when visiting relatives in prison. [15] X Research Source
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Use relaxation techniques. Visiting loved ones in prison can be stressful. If you’re feeling anxious, try some relaxation techniques. For example, you can put a few drops of a relaxing aromatherapy oil on a handkerchief and take it with you. You may not be able to bring a towel with you, but you can inhale the scent just before and after visiting; However, don’t forget that the scent is often reminiscent of that experience, so try not to wear the same perfume you’re used to. [16] X Research Source
- You can also try breathing techniques. When you feel anxious, stop for a few minutes to catch your breath. Close your eyes and inhale while counting to four, and also count to four as you exhale. Focus on your breathing until you feel calm. [17] X Research Source
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Don’t be surprised if the person gets angry. Going to prison is scary for everyone, and perhaps that person is also afraid of losing a loved one. Moreover, they are also having to adjust to a new life in stressful situations. Try to be understanding, but don’t let that person overwhelm you, especially if you’re also going through a tough time. [18] X Research Sources
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Find support after visiting prison. Visiting loved ones in prison can be difficult, and the experience of going to prison is also unpleasant. So try to find someone next to you as soon as you get home. Going out for coffee and chatting with someone will help relieve your stress. [19] X Research Source
Find support
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Join the group. Many communities have support groups for people with loved ones in prison. You can find a support group through the court system, or you can contact psychologists’ offices to see if they can refer you to one. [20] X Research Source
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Try finding a counselor who specializes in grief management. If group therapy isn’t a good fit, you can try having a few private sessions with a counselor. You should research to find a place for free or low-cost advice. [21] X Research Source
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Let go of guilt. You may feel guilty when your lover is in jail, and you are still free. Remember that you did not choose what the person chose to end up in prison, and all you can do now is support that person. [22] X Research Source
- The first step to overcoming guilt is realizing that you did nothing wrong. It’s not your fault that person goes to jail, and you can’t change the other person’s actions.
- On the other hand, if you feel like you’ve done something that contributed to your loved one’s imprisonment, accept responsibility for it, and one way to take responsibility is to apologize. [23] X Research Sources
- Once you’ve said you’re sorry, try to move forward. Get rid of the thought of sin and don’t dwell on it in your head. You cannot change the past; you can only move forward and step into a better future. [24] X Research Source
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Establish the new “normal”. Maybe your life comes to a halt for a while after a loved one goes to prison. When you suddenly lose a loved one in your daily life, you can feel a bit empty. However, if you work through it, you will be able to adjust to life without that person, and this is not surprising. [25] X Research Sources
- Part of creating a new normal life is continuing to maintain normal seasons; That means you don’t hesitate to celebrate holidays and birthdays without that person. You don’t have to sacrifice your life just because your loved one is in prison. [26] X Research Sources
- Try creating new family traditions so everyone has something to look forward to. Or you can find a new hobby to indulge in from time to time. [27] X Research Source
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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 17 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,636 times.
When someone you love goes to prison, your life can also be turned upside down. In addition to feeling down because of the void left by that person in your daily life, you also struggle with the struggles of your partner’s lack of contribution. Moreover, you also have to face a maze of trouble in visiting that person in prison. As difficult as it may be, you can still learn how to create a new life for yourself when your loved one is not around.
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