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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
This article has been viewed 39,854 times.
Rejecting someone else’s feelings is just as difficult as being rejected yourself, especially when that person is your friend. While rejecting love isn’t fun, it’s a natural part of life, and knowing how to say no kindly will make things easier.
Steps
Rejecting someone you know
- Think ahead of time about what you are going to say. Don’t just say to their face “No!” but try to explain in a way that’s not too callous or cold.
- Choose words carefully. If you want, you can practice in front of a mirror or with a friend or sibling. Make sure you can convey a clear but empathetic message.
- Be prepared to adapt to the opponent’s reaction. You should not read the prepared words like reading the article, but improvise according to the situation.
- Choose a good time – don’t choose the person’s birthday right away or the time before an important exam or job interview – but don’t wait forever for the “right time”. Act now if possible.
- If the two of you have been in a long-term relationship, the above guidelines will help, but there are certain challenges. Check out How to Break Up or How to Break Up with a Guy for more ideas.
- Saying no face-to-face will help you see the other person’s reaction immediately—surprise, anger, or even relief—and you can adjust your behavior accordingly. [3] X Research Sources
- Find a quiet, private (or at least relatively secluded) place to talk. No one wants to be rejected in public, or overheard. If you are afraid to be alone, at least find a closed corner in a restaurant, shopping mall, club…
- Let the other person loosen up with some pleasant, but moderate dialogue. You have to leave room for it to be easier to move on to more serious topics without being rude or thoughtless.
- Smoothly change the subject with sentences like “It’s nice to know you, but…”; “I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and…”; or “I’m glad we got to know each other, but…”
- Tell them why you turned them down, but don’t blame them. Emphasize yourself, your needs, your feelings, and your views. “It’s not about you, it’s about you” sounds cliché, but it’s also a valuable strategy, fundamentally. [5] X Research Sources
- Instead of “I can’t be with someone who’s sloppy and messy like you,” try saying, “I’m just someone who wants an orderly and organized life.”
- Talk about how your ABC doesn’t match his/her XYZ, and say you tried, but failed.
- If you don’t give the other person a chance to present, they will think it’s not really over and still have hope.
- Be empathetic and allow your partner to express sadness, cry, or even vent your frustrations – but then don’t be too direct or insult them.
- Express regret, put your hand on their shoulder to comfort them, but don’t take back your opinion. Stay where you are, using phrases like “I’m sorry I hurt you. I don’t feel comfortable myself, but this is the best thing for the two of us in the future.”
- Don’t be fooled by your opponent by pointing out holes in your argument, promising change, or misunderstanding them. You’re breaking up, not going to court.
- Don’t give them hope. Avoid saying things like you’re “not quite” ready, or trying to “be friends” (even if you want to, but it’s best to wait until later). The other party can sense your hesitation and wait for an opportunity. [6] X Research Sources
- Discuss why the things that bond you both as friends don’t work when you’re in love. For example, “I like your open-mindedness and fun, and I’m with you as an escape, but you know, I’m the kind of person who just feels secure with stability, with a plan, and that’s the thing. I need in love.
- Accept the dilemma. The conversation will be difficult, uncomfortable, especially when you say the end. Don’t make the other person think they’re the reason why you’re both in this situation (“So… this is awkward, isn’t it?). Thank them for being honest with their feelings.
- Accept that the friendship may be over. The other side has decided that they don’t want things to stay the same, so whether you like it or not, there’s no turning back. Try saying, “I’d love to stay friends, but I know you need time. I’m ready to talk again when you’re ready.”
Rejecting new acquaintances
- Sayings like, “It’s nice to talk to you, but that’s all. Thank you” will work in this case.
- Emphasize yourself. Focus on how you don’t get along with the person. You could say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t share your interests in [sports/travel/online gaming], so we wouldn’t be a match.”
- If you really have to use fake boyfriend/girlfriend, consider it as a last resort. Try an honest, straightforward, and kind refusal first. This always works.
- Be careful with sarcasm. Sayings like “How can someone like you go out with me” along with a comedic tone and a sly smile will be recognized as joking. But in a situation where you are rejecting someone, the other party will not know that it is a joke.
Reject someone who refuses to accept
- “Sorry, I have no interest in going any further and that’s all I wanted to say. Good luck and goodbye.”
- Lie a little if necessary. A little lie is easier to do than a big show.
- Give fake phone number or fake lover if needed. Or say, emphasizing yourself as “I just want a more committed relationship”, “I don’t want to date outsiders/out-of-culture”, “You look like a brother/sister I’m so”. [9] X Research Source
- Don’t ignore text/call/email until you say goodbye. After everything is clear, you can ignore any pleas, complaints, or curses.
- If you are threatened or feel unsafe because of your partner, get help or contact someone in authority. There are people who cannot accept rejection peacefully.
This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
This article has been viewed 39,854 times.
Rejecting someone else’s feelings is just as difficult as being rejected yourself, especially when that person is your friend. While rejecting love isn’t fun, it’s a natural part of life, and knowing how to say no kindly will make things easier.
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