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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 12,467 times.
Manipulation denotes an attempt to influence another person’s behavior or actions in a non-direct manner. Manipulative behavior in itself does not mean good or bad: a person may try to manipulate someone into a noble cause or trick someone into doing something illegal. However, manipulation is never straightforward and often focuses on our weaknesses, making it difficult for us to recognize these behaviors. The controlling aspects associated with manipulative behavior are sometimes subtle and may not be easily identifiable because they are masked by responsibility, love, or routine. However, you can recognize the signs and avoid becoming a victim of manipulation.
Steps
Observe their behavior
- Don’t just rely on the person always wanting you to speak first as manipulation. You should consider adding their other actions.
- Manipulators only focus on you without revealing much about their personal information in conversations.
- If this happens in most conversations between you and the person, this could be a sign of manipulative behavior.
- While their interest may seem sincere, keep in mind that behind the scenes there could be a shady scheme. If you try to get to know the person but they don’t respond or rush to change the subject, this is probably not genuine affection.
- For example, a manipulative person might cook a nice meal to treat you and be sweet before asking to borrow money or help with a project.
- Understand that while this type of behavior is usually quite dispassionate, you are not obligated to do something just because someone has done something good for you.
- The manipulator may complain, “I’m unloved/sick/badly treated, etc…” to try to get your sympathy and get you to do something for him.
- Maybe you feel like you’re on the verge of death, always in fear of them getting angry.
- You often have to give in if you are manipulated, when your rights and interests are not important to them.
- It should be understood that this can also happen to people with disabilities and mental illnesses. For example, someone with depression may fall into a spiral of guilt but no intention to manipulate, and someone with ADHD may have difficulty checking email regularly. This does not mean they are manipulators.
Review through communication
- This behavior can manifest as sarcasm or jokes. Manipulators may scoff at the outfit you’re wearing, the car you’re driving, your workplace, your family, your appearance, or anything else. While those comments may be disguised with humor, they are aimed squarely at you. You are the target for jokes. And they use this tactic to make you feel inferior.
- Their mute behavior may arise from your actions, but it may also have no cause at all. If the manipulator wants to make the other person feel low, then spontaneously cutting off contact will be an effective tactic.
- If you ask the person the reason for their silence, they may deny that there is a problem, or say that you are paranoid or irrational. [9] X Research Source
- Attribution is often prefaced with statements like, “If I knew you better, I would…” or “If I really loved you I would…”, or “I did this for you, why don’t you. do it for you?” (even though you didn’t ask him to).
- If you find yourself agreeing to things that at other times you wouldn’t agree or feel comfortable with, you may be a victim of manipulation.
- The manipulator will also misinterpret everything you say in the worst way to make you apologize for what you just said.
- Sayings like “Anyone will _____”, or, “If you ask Hang, she will do it right away,” or, “Everybody thinks it’s okay, except for me,” are to force you to have to do something by comparison.
Dealing with a manipulative person
- You don’t have to agonize over saying “no”. That is your right.
- You can politely decline. When the manipulator asks you to do something, try saying, “I’d love to, but I’ll be busy in the next few months,” or, “Thanks for believing in me, but I couldn’t.”
- If the person says, “I don’t have anyone to talk to,” try responding with specific examples:
- “Do you remember yesterday Mr. Minh came and talked to you all afternoon? And Lan also said that she was willing to talk to you on the phone if you needed someone to listen. I’m willing to talk to you. you for five minutes, but then I have an important appointment I can’t miss.”
- Ask yourself, “Does this person treat me with respect?” “Are their requirements and expectations of me reasonable?” “Is this a one-way relationship?” “Do I feel good about myself?”
- If the answer is “no,” it’s probably the manipulator that’s the problem in your relationship, not you.
- The person said, “You never support me in meetings; you were only there for your own sake and left me with those ferocious people.”
- You reply, “That’s not right. I know you’re ready to talk to those investors. If you made a mistake, I would have intervened, but I think you did a great job.”
- If they say, “I don’t care what you’ve worked so hard for me,” try saying, “You certainly do care about what I’ve done for you. I’ve said it many times already. Now I see you don’t want to understand how much I care.”
- Cut their influence on you. When a manipulator tries to make you feel guilty by saying it doesn’t matter, don’t believe it either.
- Ask the person, “Is this fair to you?” “Do you really think this makes sense?” “How will this help/benefit you?” “How do you think I will feel?”
- These questions can lead the manipulator to concede.
- If an offer disappears when you take time to think, it’s probably because you wouldn’t do it if you had time to think. If they push you to make an immediate decision, the answer “no” is most appropriate.
Advice
- Manipulative behavior can show up in any relationship, including love, family, or platonic relationships.
- Find a pattern in certain behaviors. If you can correctly guess how the person behaves to achieve certain results, you are probably on the right track in recognizing manipulative behaviors.
- If you are in a manipulative relationship, you can leave or get help from someone who understands your situation.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 12,467 times.
Manipulation denotes an attempt to influence another person’s behavior or actions in a non-direct manner. Manipulative behavior in itself does not mean good or bad: a person may try to manipulate someone into a noble cause or trick someone into doing something illegal. However, manipulation is never straightforward and often focuses on our weaknesses, making it difficult for us to recognize these behaviors. The controlling aspects associated with manipulative behavior are sometimes subtle and may not be easily identifiable because they are masked by responsibility, love, or routine. However, you can recognize the signs and avoid becoming a victim of manipulation.
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