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This article was co-written by Jay Reid, LPCC. Jay Reid is a consultant clinical psychologist (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping patients whose parents or partners are narcissistic. Treatment focuses on helping patients recognize and deal with self-deprecating thoughts caused by narcissist abuse. Jay holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and a master’s degree in clinical psychology from Pennsylvania State University.
There are 33 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,302 times.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference when your partner is in a bad mood or he or she is abusing you. 57% of students said that they do not know how to identify violence in love. [1] X Research Sources Violence comes in many forms and does not include only physical violence. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and humiliation are all forms of abuse. Abusers often want to control you through threats, coercion, manipulation, and manipulation. A healthy relationship must include mutual trust, respect, acceptance, and allowing the other person to be himself. Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, etc., you are at risk of abuse. [2] X Research Source If you’re concerned about a bad relationship or an abusive boyfriend, it’s important to know the signs and ways to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
Steps
Recognize the signs of emotional and psychological abuse
- Asking you to call him often, even in inappropriate or inconvenient times
- Want to know everything you do
- Don’t let you go with someone else without him
- Track your phone, internet activity, or social media
- Show an unhappy attitude when you’re with someone other than him
- Request to check messages
- Ask for account password
- Control clothing, places to go, every word, etc.
- Does he accept you for who you are, or is he always forcing you to change?
- Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated around your boyfriend?
- Does your boyfriend blame you for making his feelings or actions like this?
- Do you feel bad about yourself around your boyfriend?
- Do you think you have to change to prove “love” to your boyfriend?
- Do you always feel exhausted or tired when interacting with him? [8] X Research Sources
- Do you find that your boyfriend is always critical of you, even in front of other people?
- Does your boyfriend call you by your first name or use other insulting words?
- Does your boyfriend yell or yell at you?
- Do you often feel humiliated, ignored or ridiculed?
- Does your boyfriend say you’ll never find someone “better” than him, or that you don’t “deserve” someone else?
- Do you find that what your boyfriend says about you is very negative?
- For example, consider having a say in the overall plan. Do you find your boyfriend listening, or just doing what he wants?
- Do you find your boyfriend cares about how you feel? For example, if you told your boyfriend that his words made you unhappy, would he accept and apologize?
- Do you feel comfortable talking directly with your boyfriend? Do you find that he listens to the opposite opinion?
- This can be quite vain at times, especially if your boyfriend compares you to someone else. For example, he might say, “I’m so glad I found you. You’re not like the crazy girls I used to know.” However, if you notice this person constantly blaming others for making him act or feel something, this is a bad sign. [13] X Research Source
- The abuser may also hold you accountable for his violent actions. For example, this person often makes excuses like “You make me so angry that I can’t control it” or “I can’t help but be jealous of your friend because I love you so much.” You need to remember that each person is responsible for his or her own feelings and actions, not others.
- The abuser often gets what he wants by blaming you, as if you were the one who brought him negative feelings. For example, “If you break up, I’ll kill myself” or “I’ll be mad if you go out with him again.” This kind of behavior is unfair and healthy.
Recognizing sexual abuse
- Some people think that you can’t blame your boyfriend for raping you, but this is completely wrong. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you can’t turn him down. If this person forces you to have sex, even if you both volunteered before, this is still rape. [15] X Trusted Source Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Go to Source[16] X Research Source
- His sexual act while you are drunk, not sober, drugged, or unable to agree is abusive. [17] X Research Source
- For example, a boyfriend might say, “If you really love me, you have to accept this” or “All girls are like that, so you have to do the same.” These are coercive words that make you feel ashamed and have to accommodate his needs.
- Asking for specific sex acts that you don’t like is an act of abuse. Even if you enjoy certain activities, don’t let your boyfriend force you to do them when you’re not interested, or scare or annoy you. You have the right to agree and decline as appropriate.
- Forcing provocative texting or sending hot photos is abusive behavior. You should be aware that sending or receiving sexually explicit text messages or images while under the age of 18 is classified as child pornography. [19] X Research Source
- Your partner must respect your decision. For example, if you want to use a condom and adopt another safe sex behavior, the other person cannot blame or force you to use another method.
- He can’t have sex if he’s not using contraception/STIs or using the excuse “I forgot to put on a condom”.
Be aware of physical violence
- Physical violence can be cyclical. Sometimes an abuser may be nice to you, but in times of heightened tension he may commit violent acts. The person may then apologize, feel bad, and promise to change. But then he resumed his behavior. [22] X Research Source
- A person does not simply “become” violent when drunk. If your boyfriend uses alcohol as an excuse for his violent behavior, he is trying to avoid responsibility for his actions. [24] X Research Source
- Violent emotional expression is a warning sign of future escalation of violence. If your boyfriend becomes aggressive on a regular basis, you should consider leaving the relationship.
- Transgender and gay people are often forced by their abuser to separate from the community, friends, family, or school. This is violent behavior. [26] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- Some abusers threaten to harm themselves if you don’t do what they want. This is also a form of violence.
- Breaking your stuff, such as smashing your phone or locking your motorbike
- Does not provide your basic needs, such as food and sleep
- Physically bound without your consent
- Do not let you leave your home or car, go to the hospital, or call emergency services
- Using weapons to threaten you
- Kick you out of the house or car
- Leaving you in a strange or dangerous place
- Abuse your children or pets
- Careless driving while carrying you
Coping with violence
- This applies to all forms of violence, not just physical violence. Every person deserves to be treated with dignity and kindness.
- In Vietnam, you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline: (04) 37 359 339.
- Leaving an abusive relationship can be quite dangerous. You need to talk to someone who can help so you don’t have to deal with it on your own.
- Remember that asking for help is not weakness or failure. This proves that you are strong enough to do what you think is good.
- If you have been physically or sexually abused, you need to call the police and go to the hospital immediately. [33] X Research Sources
- Participate in extracurricular activities and clubs at school.
- Become an advocate for victims of abuse. Many schools and communities organize violence education programs. If you haven’t already, you can start a new program yourself!
- For example, you may have negative thoughts about your appearance, especially if your abuser frequently criticizes you. Instead, you should find your strengths and cherish them. At first you may feel a bit “fake” because you are not used to this way of thinking, but you will gradually get over the trauma of being abused.
- If you are describing yourself in a general way, such as “I am a failure,” you should find a reason to come to this conclusion. However, you will not find any evidence to support this. You should focus on the specifics, and if it’s not a big deal, you can find a way to work it out: “I watched a lot of TV today and didn’t do my homework. Tomorrow I will finish and reward myself without feeling guilty.”
- Acknowledge small achievements. People who are abused often face the thought of being worthless. You should appreciate your achievements, even the small ones.
Advice
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. No one can get through this bad time on their own.
- There are many organizations that support victims of abuse. You can search the internet or directory to find community centers, psychiatric hospitals, domestic violence agencies, and other organizations.
- If someone makes a judgment when you talk to them, don’t accept it as fact. It is sometimes hard to believe that abuse is “really happening.” What matters is how you feel , not what others say. If this person is in a hurry to condemn, then you should find someone else for help.
Warning
- Don’t trust the promise of change. Unless the abuser has been counseled and really wants to change, he will never change.
This article was co-written by Jay Reid, LPCC. Jay Reid is a consultant clinical psychologist (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping patients whose parents or partners are narcissistic. Treatment focuses on helping patients recognize and deal with self-deprecating thoughts caused by narcissist abuse. Jay holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and a master’s degree in clinical psychology from Pennsylvania State University.
There are 33 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,302 times.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference when your partner is in a bad mood or he or she is abusing you. 57% of students said that they do not know how to identify violence in love. [1] X Research Sources Violence comes in many forms and does not include only physical violence. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and humiliation are all forms of abuse. Abusers often want to control you through threats, coercion, manipulation, and manipulation. A healthy relationship must include mutual trust, respect, acceptance, and allowing the other person to be himself. Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, etc., you are at risk of abuse. [2] X Research Source If you’re concerned about a bad relationship or an abusive boyfriend, it’s important to know the signs and ways to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
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