How to recognize an abusive boyfriend

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference when your partner is in a bad mood or he or she is abusing you. 57% of students said that they do not know how to identify violence in love. ^{[1] X Research Sources} Violence comes in many forms and does not include only physical violence. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and humiliation are all forms of abuse. Abusers often want to control you through threats, coercion, manipulation, and manipulation. A healthy relationship must include mutual trust, respect, acceptance, and allowing the other person to be himself. Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, etc., you are at risk of abuse. ^{[2] X Research Source} If you’re concerned about a bad relationship or an abusive boyfriend, it’s important to know the signs and ways to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

Table of Contents

Recognize the signs of emotional and psychological abuse

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Identify controlling behavior. This behavior may be “normal” to you, but it is a form of abuse. ^{[3] X Research Sources} Your boyfriend may always ask what you’re doing because he cares so much about you, but true interest must include trust. Here are signs of controlling behavior: ^{[4] X Research Source}^{[5] X Research Source}^{[6] X Trusted Source US Office on Women’s Health Go to source}

Asking you to call him often, even in inappropriate or inconvenient times
Want to know everything you do
Don’t let you go with someone else without him
Track your phone, internet activity, or social media
Show an unhappy attitude when you’re with someone other than him
Request to check messages
Ask for account password
Control clothing, places to go, every word, etc.

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Think about how you feel when you’re with him. Sometimes you can’t identify violence in love, especially if you think the “abuse” (usually physical violence) hasn’t happened yet. However, an emotional assessment of your boyfriend can help you see if your relationship is going well. Maybe you feel like something is “not right,” or as if you’re “on tiptoe” and don’t know what’s making him angry. You will feel that all the problems that arise in the relationship are caused by you. You should consider the following questions: ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Does he accept you for who you are, or is he always forcing you to change?
Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated around your boyfriend?
Does your boyfriend blame you for making his feelings or actions like this?
Do you feel bad about yourself around your boyfriend?
Do you think you have to change to prove “love” to your boyfriend?
Do you always feel exhausted or tired when interacting with him? ^{[8] X Research Sources}

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Consider how your boyfriend talks. There are times when we regret what we said. Even in a healthy relationship, both of you don’t always speak kindly and respectfully of each other. However, if you notice that your boyfriend is disrespecting, demeaning, threatening, or insulting you, these are signs of a bad relationship. You should ask yourself the following questions: ^{[9] X Research Sources}^{[10] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source}

Do you find that your boyfriend is always critical of you, even in front of other people?
Does your boyfriend call you by your first name or use other insulting words?
Does your boyfriend yell or yell at you?
Do you often feel humiliated, ignored or ridiculed?
Does your boyfriend say you’ll never find someone “better” than him, or that you don’t “deserve” someone else?
Do you find that what your boyfriend says about you is very negative?

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Think about whether or not the other person is listening to you. Some people have a dominant nature, and this is completely normal. However, if your boyfriend doesn’t care about your needs or opinions, or makes decisions that involve the two of you without talking to you, then this is not normal. In a healthy relationship, both partners listen to each other, even when they disagree, and often try to work it out. An abusive relationship is often one-sided. ^{[11] X Research Source}

For example, consider having a say in the overall plan. Do you find your boyfriend listening, or just doing what he wants?
Do you find your boyfriend cares about how you feel? For example, if you told your boyfriend that his words made you unhappy, would he accept and apologize?
Do you feel comfortable talking directly with your boyfriend? Do you find that he listens to the opposite opinion?

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Think about whether or not your boyfriend will accept responsibility. A common trait of abusers is that they often blame others for their actions and feelings. The violent person will also make you feel guilty for not doing what he wanted. ^{[12] X Research Source}

This can be quite vain at times, especially if your boyfriend compares you to someone else. For example, he might say, “I’m so glad I found you. You’re not like the crazy girls I used to know.” However, if you notice this person constantly blaming others for making him act or feel something, this is a bad sign. ^{[13] X Research Source}
The abuser may also hold you accountable for his violent actions. For example, this person often makes excuses like “You make me so angry that I can’t control it” or “I can’t help but be jealous of your friend because I love you so much.” You need to remember that each person is responsible for his or her own feelings and actions, not others.
The abuser often gets what he wants by blaming you, as if you were the one who brought him negative feelings. For example, “If you break up, I’ll kill myself” or “I’ll be mad if you go out with him again.” This kind of behavior is unfair and healthy.

Recognizing sexual abuse

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Consider whether you are comfortable having sex with your boyfriend. People often think that when in love, it is “must” to have a relationship. This is not correct. A healthy relationship involves voluntary and mutually satisfying sex. If you feel disrespected, this is a sign of abuse. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Some people think that you can’t blame your boyfriend for raping you, but this is completely wrong. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you can’t turn him down. If this person forces you to have sex, even if you both volunteered before, this is still rape. ^{[15] X Trusted Source Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Go to Source}^{[16] X Research Source}
His sexual act while you are drunk, not sober, drugged, or unable to agree is abusive. ^{[17] X Research Source}

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Consider the case of forced relationships. In addition to rape, there are many ways to abuse others. For example, an abuser may force a relationship even when the other person doesn’t want to. If you feel pressured or manipulated into having sex, this is abuse. ^{[18] X Research Sources}

For example, a boyfriend might say, “If you really love me, you have to accept this” or “All girls are like that, so you have to do the same.” These are coercive words that make you feel ashamed and have to accommodate his needs.
Asking for specific sex acts that you don’t like is an act of abuse. Even if you enjoy certain activities, don’t let your boyfriend force you to do them when you’re not interested, or scare or annoy you. You have the right to agree and decline as appropriate.
Forcing provocative texting or sending hot photos is abusive behavior. You should be aware that sending or receiving sexually explicit text messages or images while under the age of 18 is classified as child pornography. ^{[19] X Research Source}

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Consider behavior that respects health. You have the right to protect your personal and sexual health by using birth control and preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs). ^{[20] X Research Source}

Your partner must respect your decision. For example, if you want to use a condom and adopt another safe sex behavior, the other person cannot blame or force you to use another method.
He can’t have sex if he’s not using contraception/STIs or using the excuse “I forgot to put on a condom”.

Be aware of physical violence

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Understand that physical violence does not happen instantaneously. An abusive relationship doesn’t always have to involve acts of violence. In fact, they seem like nice people at first, just like when the other person is your “ideal boyfriend”. However, all violent behavior takes a turn for the worse over time, and if a person is willing to be violent in one way, it will also turn violent in another. ^{[21] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to source}

Physical violence can be cyclical. Sometimes an abuser may be nice to you, but in times of heightened tension he may commit violent acts. The person may then apologize, feel bad, and promise to change. But then he resumed his behavior. ^{[22] X Research Source}

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Note that even one-time violence is too much. Violence is unacceptable. The abuser may make excuses by “feeling angry” or by alcohol or drugs. However, ordinary people never express their emotions with violence. If your boyfriend is acting like that, he needs to be warned. ^{[23] X Research Sources}

A person does not simply “become” violent when drunk. If your boyfriend uses alcohol as an excuse for his violent behavior, he is trying to avoid responsibility for his actions. ^{[24] X Research Source}
Violent emotional expression is a warning sign of future escalation of violence. If your boyfriend becomes aggressive on a regular basis, you should consider leaving the relationship.

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Think about how safe it feels to be around your boyfriend. Sometimes in a relationship one person will be angry with the other and this is normal. However, a person who respects the other person will never harm or threaten the other, even when angry. If you feel insecure around your boyfriend, this means he is an abuser. ^{[25] X Trusted Source United States Department of Justice Go to source}

Transgender and gay people are often forced by their abuser to separate from the community, friends, family, or school. This is violent behavior. ^{[26] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}
Some abusers threaten to harm themselves if you don’t do what they want. This is also a form of violence.

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Be aware of other types of physical violence. Punching, kicking, and slapping are obvious acts of physical violence. However, there are some other forms of physical violence that you may not be aware of, including: ^{[27] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to Source}^{[28] X Research Source}

Breaking your stuff, such as smashing your phone or locking your motorbike
Does not provide your basic needs, such as food and sleep
Physically bound without your consent
Do not let you leave your home or car, go to the hospital, or call emergency services
Using weapons to threaten you
Kick you out of the house or car
Leaving you in a strange or dangerous place
Abuse your children or pets
Careless driving while carrying you

Coping with violence

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Understand that the abuse is not your fault. It is often misunderstood that the victim “deserve” it. For example, when Chris Brown hit Rihanna, many people believe that Rihanna did something bad and “deserves” it. This is completely wrong. No matter what you do or not, no one has the right to use violence against you and violence is always the responsibility of the person who committed the act. ^{[29] X Research Sources}

This applies to all forms of violence, not just physical violence. Every person deserves to be treated with dignity and kindness.

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Call the domestic violence hotline. These phone numbers provide assistance to victims of abuse. You will meet a support person who can listen and help you resolve your situation. ^{[30] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to source}

In Vietnam, you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline: (04) 37 359 339.

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Talk to someone you trust. If you are concerned that your boyfriend is an abuser, you need to discuss this with someone you trust. They can be parents, counselors, school officials, or someone in the temple. It is important that you find someone who listens but is not judgmental and supportive. ^{[31] X Research Source}

Leaving an abusive relationship can be quite dangerous. You need to talk to someone who can help so you don’t have to deal with it on your own.
Remember that asking for help is not weakness or failure. This proves that you are strong enough to do what you think is good.

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Find a safe haven. If you feel your boyfriend is endangering you, you need to get away as soon as possible. Call a close friend or relative to stay in their home. Contact your local domestic violence agency to find a women’s protection center. If necessary, call the police. Do not stay near the abuser. ^{[32] X Research Source}

If you have been physically or sexually abused, you need to call the police and go to the hospital immediately. ^{[33] X Research Sources}

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Get support from family and friends. Getting over an abusive relationship is not easy. Abusers often separate you from friends and family. A violent ex can make you feel scared, alone, or useless. You need to get back in touch with friends and family to get rid of the trauma and confirm that you are a person worthy of respect and care. ^{[34] X Research Source}

Participate in extracurricular activities and clubs at school.
Become an advocate for victims of abuse. Many schools and communities organize violence education programs. If you haven’t already, you can start a new program yourself!

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Appreciate yourself. Maybe you’ve heard so much violence that your brain has come to accept it as “normal” or right. Remember that none of your boyfriend’s abusive words are true. If you have negative thoughts about yourself, you need to get rid of them as soon as possible. Instead, you should think positively, find a logical argument in your mind, or adjust negative thinking in a good direction. ^{[35] X Research Source}

For example, you may have negative thoughts about your appearance, especially if your abuser frequently criticizes you. Instead, you should find your strengths and cherish them. At first you may feel a bit “fake” because you are not used to this way of thinking, but you will gradually get over the trauma of being abused.
If you are describing yourself in a general way, such as “I am a failure,” you should find a reason to come to this conclusion. However, you will not find any evidence to support this. You should focus on the specifics, and if it’s not a big deal, you can find a way to work it out: “I watched a lot of TV today and didn’t do my homework. Tomorrow I will finish and reward myself without feeling guilty.”
Acknowledge small achievements. People who are abused often face the thought of being worthless. You should appreciate your achievements, even the small ones.

Advice

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. No one can get through this bad time on their own.
There are many organizations that support victims of abuse. You can search the internet or directory to find community centers, psychiatric hospitals, domestic violence agencies, and other organizations.
If someone makes a judgment when you talk to them, don’t accept it as fact. It is sometimes hard to believe that abuse is “really happening.” What matters is how you feel , not what others say. If this person is in a hurry to condemn, then you should find someone else for help.

Warning

Don’t trust the promise of change. Unless the abuser has been counseled and really wants to change, he will never change.

Steps