How to Quit Passive Aggressive Behavior

The concept of passive aggression first appeared after World War II to describe soldiers’ mild resistance to leadership. ^{[1] X Research Source Hopwood, CJ, & Wright, AGC (2012). A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders. Journal of Personality Assessment, 94(3), pp. 296-303.} Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect way of resisting or expressing resentment towards an individual. People with passive-aggressive habits often find ways to avoid conflict, they hide their frustrations with an unrecognizable surface, but that behavior can be subtly destructive. Eventually that anger will flare up when things reach their climax. If you understand and know how to change the passive-aggressive tendencies that are taking place within yourself, then you will have active resistance measures to make your work and social life happier.

Table of Contents

Recognizing the Signs of Passive Aggression

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Write a behavior diary. Journaling is a useful method for detecting, evaluating, and remediating personal behavior. Journaling helps you figure out what’s driving your behavior, and is a safe place for you to be honest about your actions and your wishes for how you’ll react in the future.

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Learn the stages of passive-aggressive behavior. There is a type of conflicting behavior that often develops in the minds of people with passive-aggressive tendencies. ^{[2] X Research Source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27.}

Stage one of the conflict cycle is the development of passive-aggressive behaviors. At this point, the person often thinks that expressing anger could be dangerous and should therefore be avoided ^{[3] X Research Source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27.} . They then use negative behaviors to cover up to resolve this frustration ^{[4] X Research source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27.} .
Stage two is a state of stress that stirs irrational thoughts, rooted in experiences that often arise early in life. ^{[5] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27.}
- For example, if a teacher asks a student to hand out homework to the class that the student has previously been asked to do but was not thanked, then the boy might think about this memory. Instead of feeling honored to have been asked, the student was angered by the teacher’s request that provoked an earlier negative response.
Stage three occurs when the person denies his or her frustration, directs negative emotions toward others, and represses frustration toward them. ^{[6] X Research Source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27.}
Stage four of the cycle involves passive-aggressive behavior. This behavior includes (but is not limited to what is to be listed): anger denial, lack of communication, coldness, irritability, indecision, inefficiencies or unacceptable performance, and underground revenge. ^{[7] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27}
Stage five is the reaction of those around. People often react negatively to passive-aggressive behavior, and this is exactly what the aggressor wants. ^{[8] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27.} But this response only reinforces the aggressive behavior that continues to recur.

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Identify incidents that cause you to take passive-aggressive action. Asking you to write down all the times you’ve engaged in aggressive behavior can be overwhelming, so you should only find three or four occasions when you become passive-aggressive.

There is one place where you must have fallen into this situation, and that is the workplace ^{[9] X Research Source Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine} . There are four behaviors that characterize passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace: temporary obedience, intentional inefficiency, escalation, and intentional retaliation.
When it comes to identifying your passive-aggressive behaviors, there’s a very relevant and important place to start, and that’s in your life at work.

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Record information about events. It is important that you recognize and eliminate false thinking patterns that develop early in life ^{[10] X Research Sources} . To do this, you must first know when and how that thought occurs. Remember the specifics of the behavior. It’s helpful to see the situation from a third-party perspective, as objectively as possible. If you start to feel emotional, take a deep breath, dispel all thoughts before continuing. Do not shirk your role in the incident situation. The goal here is for you to examine the problem, the motivations that cause passive-aggressive behavior. You need to think about the following questions:

Who are the other stakeholders involved? What is their relationship to you (e.g., boss, co-worker, friend, parent, roommate, teacher)? Do they have power over you? Are they just equal to you or are you the decision maker?
Where does everything happen? For example, at work, home, school, party, competition, or club?
When did it happen? Sometimes time is also a factor, such as at the beginning of the school year or during a busy holiday.
How did the incident arise? Is there a specific cause or is it related to multiple events? What is your series of actions and reactions?
What happened in the end? Are the results what you expected from your negative behavior? What is the opponent’s reaction?

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Consider your aggressive response to the series of events that took place. Often this behavior ^{[11] X Source of research} will present itself as a deliberate opposition, i.e. what you say (passive) is the opposite of what you actually do (aggressive). The following are common manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior:

assisting people but indirectly resisting, delaying or undermining achievement in common or work tasks
agree to do something but leave the work process unfinished or pretend to forget
silent, do not interact or answer but do not tell the other party the reason
please them in front of everyone but despise them behind their back
do not clearly express feelings and desires but expect others to realize for themselves
overlapping compliments with profound sarcasm, or negative body language
complain about being misunderstood and not being respected by others
appear moody and argumentative without giving constructive opinions
blame others for everything and push the blame
unreasonable criticism and contempt of leadership in front of colleagues
reacting to superiors with mysterious and dishonest actions
suppressing emotions because of fear of conflict, failure, or disappointment
Express jealousy and anger towards those who are luckier
constantly complaining or complaining excessively about your bad luck
frequently alternates between overt hostility and remorse
predict bad results before starting work

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Look for commonalities in behavior. When you review your past actions, do you find yourself constantly repeating a reaction to people around you or in certain situations? Are the results the same? Do others react to you in the same way? Do you feel better or worse in the end? Think about why this behavior can’t get you what you want.

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Accept your feelings. Denying what you really feel is part of the problem that causes passive-aggressive tendencies. You don’t want others to know you’re angry, hurt, or sulky, so you just act like you’re nothing. But in reality, those feelings only get stronger and become irrational, because you haven’t found a positive outlet for them. So it’s important that you allow yourself to feel and acknowledge this emotion, so you can process it in a healthier way.

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Understand yourself. This is when you need to be honest with yourself to understand the inner reason for your negative emotions. Is that what your colleagues say? Do you feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do? You were not recognized for your contribution in the last project? In your opinion, the friend received a higher score than her true ability? Look below the surface to find what you really want.

Limit Passive Aggressive Tendencies

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Identify passive-aggressive behavior. The first step in managing passive-aggressive tendencies is to build behavioral self-awareness. Watch out for the following behaviors: social restriction, contempt, intentional inefficiencies, stubbornness, and procrastination. ^{[12] X Research Source Hopwood, CJ, & Wright, AGC (2012). A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders. Journal of Personality Assessment, 94(3), pp. 296-303.} The process of developing this personality trait must have taken a long time, it is already ingrained, so it takes determination and patience to change.

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Listen and observe. Communication is not just about talking openly and honestly, but equally important is being able to listen and read unspoken messages. You should consider what the other person is saying or not saying before your actions. They can also be passive-aggressive people like you. Look at things from a different perspective to gauge if you’re overreacting? Take a step back and reconsider the situation.

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Abandon satire. Satire is a self-satisfaction that people with passive-aggressive habits use, but it only makes the situation worse. There are some phrases you should avoid: ^{[13] X Research Sources}

“Whatever”
“I’m fine”
“Why do you look so disappointed?”
“I’m just joking”

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Avoid temporary obedience. In the context of a work environment, an employee shows aggression by temporarily obeying when he agrees to do it but then completes it late. ^{[14] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine} He is intentionally late by procrastinating, being late to meetings or being late for work, or mis-sorting important documents. Employees often have temporary obedience behavior when they feel their work is not appreciated, but do not know how to speak their mind appropriately. ^{[15] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine}

If there is a temporary act of obedience, you need to determine if it is because you are not appreciated that you do it.
This type of behavior can also run in families. For example, you tell your spouse that you are going to wash the dishes, but then procrastinate in order to intentionally irritate them.

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Identify intentional ineffectiveness. When performing this behavior, the person values the opportunity for revenge more than the opportunity to demonstrate self-efficacy. ^{[16] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine} For example, an employee continues to work with the same productivity but the quality of work decreases significantly. ^{[17] X Research Source Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine} When questioned about this, they often pretend to be the victim. This type of behavior damages both the organization and the employee’s reputation.

By identifying this behavior, you can reduce the negative attitude that causes inefficiency at work, which will certainly help your career.
In the family, ineffectiveness manifests itself in the form of deliberately prolonging the washing time, or not washing the dishes so that the spouse has to wash them again.

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Don’t let the problem escalate. Letting the problem escalate is also a passive-aggressive behavior in which you refuse to confront or solve the problem. Instead you continue to make it more complicated until it becomes a big problem. ^{[18] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine}

For example, at work, you procrastinate, or intentionally misuse sick or leave days. ^{[19] X Research Source Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine}
In a family context, you refuse to wash the dishes until they pile up in the sink, to the point where the whole family has to eat rice from paper plates when there are no clean dishes left. (In this situation, your spouse is very likely to get mad.)

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Identify the intention to take revenge implicitly. Intentional retaliation is when a person secretly sabotages the object of their displeasure. This behavior takes the form of spreading false rumors or undermining secrets. ^{[20] X Research Resources Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine}

You can spread rumors in your office about someone you hate, trading your professionalism for her reputation.
When you’re at home, you try to win your children’s favor and subtly incite them against either parent.
In a work environment, this attitude is intentionally losing customers or losing projects in order to “retaliate” the company, even though it also hurts you.

Avoid putting yourself down. Self-deprecation is when a person acts harmful to himself in order to get revenge on the person who made him angry. ^{[21] X Source of Research} For example, when a student intentionally fails a test to get revenge on a teacher, or an athlete intentionally loses to get revenge on a coach.

Building Healthy Thinking Habits

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It takes time to change. Changing a behavioral habit that you’ve been used to for a long time takes time and determination. Remember that change is a process that doesn’t always progress steadily, so you shouldn’t worry if you have to go back to where you started and reevaluate your behavior. Also, never give yourself a hard time if you fail on your first attempt. The more you try to practice overcoming passive-aggressive tendencies, the more likely you are to succeed. If you find yourself on the wrong track in trying to change this negative behavior, you need to stop and think about what is going on. Ask yourself:

Do you know the reason why I’m going backwards?
Do you need to stop and take a different approach to changing that behavior?
Are there any feelings or emotional reactions that you have not yet recognized or overcome?

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Learn to be assertive and express your thoughts honestly. Once you know what’s holding you back, you can speak up and say what you think. Practice what you’re going to say in advance to find the right words when not under the pressure of reality, and pay attention to how you say it. You can be intense and straight to the point without hurting the other person. Remove all blame words and communicate your thoughts in a positive way. Opening up about your problems in this way may make you more vulnerable at first, but over time you will become more confident.

For example, you might feel annoyed with someone at work because he often takes the last cup of coffee without making a new one for someone else. You should speak your mind directly instead of sitting there annoyed and trying to keep quiet until the problem grows. Try saying, “I see that’s the last cup of coffee. Can you make a new shift when you get the last cup so everyone has coffee for the break? Thank you!”.
At home, you should make your wishes clear to your husband or wife. If your husband is supposed to wash the dishes after dinner but doesn’t, say, “I know you’re tired after a day’s work, but we agreed that if you cook dinner, I’ll wash the dishes. If you like. cook and I wash dishes then we will do the same, I think we have to share the responsibility in the housework.”

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Understand that conflict is normal. Disagreements are common. But there are times when encounters are not conflicts, but simply do not understand each other. Usually, you won’t be in any danger if you can defuse your anger and contribute to the discussion in a positive, constructive way. It is likely that both sides disagree and must find a way to make concessions that will yield a favorable outcome for both sides. This way you’re the one taking the initiative, instead of letting passive-aggressive behavior push the issue out of bounds.

At work you disagree with someone about how to approach a project. In your opinion, you should sit down and develop a plan together, while the colleague just wants to jump straight in and fantasize about the end result without considering how to achieve this. Don’t get angry or upset, just tell him that you have a different opinion on how to handle the problem. It is possible that you may not agree on how to approach the project, but at least you can divide the labor to take advantage of the strengths of both of you: your plan and his fiction.
At home you should talk to your spouse and you will probably find out that you have given him a task that he or she hates to do. Both of you need to find a solution so that he can do other errands more comfortably, and you have to take on that job. For example, he might sweep the house, cook, and take out the trash instead of washing the dishes.

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Choose success. Avoid chasing negative results but change your goals to achieve ultimate success. Some people like to accept failure early, so they don’t raise expectations, including expectations of themselves. If you use passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace because you feel your work is unappreciated, then you should take pride in the work you do. If possible, you should change to be more satisfied with the job.

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Be proud of your own success. Even if it’s slow, just making progress means you’re still changing your behavior in a positive way. Giving up passive-aggressive behavior is letting go of the defensive behavior you’re used to, so it’s normal to feel uncertain. Saying what you think only makes your work more productive and strengthens your relationships.

Get Help When You Need It

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List problems that need support. You shouldn’t be afraid to write down things that need help from a psychiatrist or psychologist. The root of passive-aggressive behavior is often rooted in a very deep-rooted cause, so treatment isn’t simply about correcting the individual behavior. Psychotherapy can help you overcome those deep-seated problems.

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Understanding passive-aggressive personality disorder. There is still debate about whether passive-aggressive personality disorder can be considered a mental illness. Some psychiatrists insist it’s a personality disorder, but others disagree. Whether or not the disorder is “officially acknowledged,” you should seek professional advice if you feel you can’t control your passive aggression. ^{[22] X Research Source Hopwood, CJ, et.al. (2009). The construct validity of passive-aggressive personality disorder. Psychiatry, 72(3), pp. 256-267.}^{[23] X Research Resources Bradley, R., Shedler, J., & Westen, D. (2006). Is the appendix a useful appendage? An empirical examination of depressive, passive-aggressive, (negativistic), sadistic, and self-defeating personality disorders. Journal of Personality Disorders, 20(5), p. 524-540}

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Perceived risk of depression or suicidal thoughts. Many studies have shown that people with passive-aggressive personality disorder have higher rates of depression or suicidal thoughts. ^{[24] X Research Sources Joiner, & Rudd, 2002} If you find yourself battling depression or having suicidal thoughts stemming from this problem, get help immediately! You can check with your local mental health facility, or contact a suicide hotline for more information.

Advice

If your passive-aggressive behavior is so deeply ingrained that you can’t resolve it on your own, it’s best to seek professional advice for scientific treatment.
Often there are always other issues contributing to that aggressive attitude, be it perfectionism, fear of failure, desire for success, or fear of rejection. These issues also need to be considered as part of the process of learning about the inner motivations that drive your actions and words.

Steps

Recognizing the Signs of Passive Aggression

Limit Passive Aggressive Tendencies

Building Healthy Thinking Habits

Get Help When You Need It

Advice

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