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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,718 times.
Talking about sex is embarrassing, but you shouldn’t be too nervous. Be honest if you like someone, and try to talk about it in a light, fun way. When you and your partner talk about sex, ask what they like and don’t like. Talking about things that spark your lust will help you both have a better experience. It’s hard to say, but you need to practice safe sex and ask what form of protection they prefer.
Steps
Start the talk
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If possible, the two of you should talk about personal matters before entering the bedroom. Mentioning sex before sex can help you feel more comfortable around each other. If you’re dating someone, ask them about the right time to elevate the relationship, how they feel about sex, and what they like and don’t like. [1] X Trusted Source National Health Service (UK) Go to Source
- Try asking, “When do you think is the right time for a couple to have sex? So when is the right time for us?”
- If you’re not dating someone you like, you probably won’t get the chance to have a pre-relationship talk. Before entering, you must get their explicit consent and discuss safeguards.
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Mention sex in a comfortable, relaxing environment. Make sure you and your partner have privacy when you ask them about it. Help them feel safe and comfortable, and try to read their body language to make sure they’re comfortable. [2] X Research Source
- You don’t have to talk about sex in a closed room. The two of you can go on a date at a restaurant or a public place to talk about having sex.
- Notice the people around. Don’t ask them about sex when many people around can hear. You shouldn’t draw attention to them or make them feel awkward.
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Be honest about how the person feels for you. Speak candidly and politely, with no steamy flirtatious actions or words. Be yourself and tell your crush how you feel. Let them know they’re sexy, but your compliments should be genuine. [3] X Research Sources
- For example, you could say, “When we kissed, it felt like electricity ran through me. I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but I really want to push the relationship further.”
- Be courteous and respectful. Don’t go into the description of what you want to do with them. If they’re not ready for sex, this will scare them.
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Keep the conversation light. Talking about sex doesn’t have to be taken too seriously. This is only necessary if you are talking about a serious topic, like negative sexual experiences or sexually transmitted diseases. However, if you’re talking about lustful things or saying you’d like to have sex with them, have fun or joking around to keep things light. [4] X Research Sources
- It’s okay to be serious, but being funny can put both of you at ease. If you’re tongue-tied, jokingly say, “Oh my god, my tongue is on strike today,” or honestly say, “Sorry, I’m a little nervous. Let me say it again.” [5] X Research Sources
- Laughing can help both of you de-stress. However, demeaning yourself to make you laugh can be depressive, so don’t overdo it. [6] X Research Sources
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Pay attention to your partner’s reaction when you’re joking about it. When you’re rambling on about sex, be sure to observe the situation and make sure they’re still interested in hearing it before taking it any further. If they don’t seem interested in kissing or touching, then you should step back and continue monitoring. [7] X Research Sources
- In a frenzy, you might say, “Your kiss was great, you made me so hot. Do you want to go further?”
- You can also ask, “Should we go to bed?” or “Can you touch this place?”
- If you think they don’t like it, stop and ask, “Is there a problem? We can stop if this goes too fast.”
Ask about what they like and don’t like
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Joke about what makes them happy to start the conversation. Let them know you want to make your experience as great as possible. You shouldn’t embarrass them by asking, “What position would you like to have sex in?” Instead, by being comfortable and engaging, you show that you care about their likes and dislikes, and their limits. [8] X Research Sources
- Talking about your likes and dislikes in advance is not only helpful, but it can also arouse desire at the same time. For example, you could ask, “So where would you like to be kissed?” or “What do you always want to do when you go to bed”. [9] X Research Source
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Let them know you won’t judge. People often feel unsafe if they tell others what they like or what they dream of doing in a relationship. Let them know they can trust you and you won’t laugh or judge them. [10] X Research Source
- Telling something about yourself first can help them feel more comfortable with you. Try telling them how you like to be touched, or a position you like.
- Talking about things you like before sex makes the experience more enjoyable, but doesn’t need to talk too much and make each other uncomfortable. You and your crush don’t necessarily share your deepest fantasies, especially if you don’t know each other too well.
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Talk about things you like but don’t brag about your sexual abuse. You could say you like being bitten on the ear or kissing your neck. However, don’t go into too much detail about your experiences or talk about your exes as if they’ve won you over. [11] X Research Source
- Your partner definitely doesn’t want to hear about the last person you slept with, and bragging about sex will put them in the mood.
- You can say, “I love being kissed on the neck,” but don’t say, “Man, I’m really excited when my ex-girlfriend kisses my neck and leaves a mark.”
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Ask about what they don’t like. You shouldn’t just mention the things the two of you don’t like. However, love will be more fun and less embarrassing if you know which points are extremely sensitive or positions that make your partner uncomfortable. [12] X Research Source
- Sometimes you can ask your partner, “Do you like it?” but don’t ask continuously every 30 seconds. Pay attention to body language, and try to pay attention to the present instead of wild speculation.
Talk about safe sex
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Make sure the other party agrees to the relationship. She/he must express clear and enthusiastic consent. If they don’t seem to like it or aren’t sure whether to have sex, don’t put pressure on them. Respect their decision if the answer is no, and don’t ask for an explanation. [13] X Research Source
- They may want to kiss or touch, but that doesn’t mean they want sex.
- They also have the right to change their mind and stop if they feel uncomfortable at any time.
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Try to talk about sexual health before you get in. Talking about STIs can be moody, but it’s necessary. Ask your partner if they’ve been tested within the last 6 months, and let them know about your sexual health first. [14] X Research Source
- The two of you should talk about your sexual health when you’re thinking about having sex, because it’s hard to make the right decisions when you’re ready to have sex.
- If you’ve been dating for a while and haven’t talked about it yet, don’t feel shy about worrying about your health. If they’re having a sex life and haven’t been tested recently, you should definitely put off until they’ve been screened.
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Ask them what birth control they prefer. Always practice safe sex, even if you and your partner have tested negative for STIs. If you don’t have any protection with you, say, “I’d really like to, but we should hold off until we have condoms.” [15] X Trusted Source National Health Service (UK) Go to Source
- Talk about safe sex in an upbeat way. For example, ask them what kind of condom they prefer, or if they prefer scented or spiked ones.
- Try to be optimistic when it comes to safe sex. You should say that using protection is beneficial to both people instead of saying that you need to protect yourself against their risk. [16] X Research Source
Advice
- Dressing well will increase your chances of success. When it comes to having sex with someone you like, you need to be clean and well dressed. [17] X Research Source
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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,718 times.
Talking about sex is embarrassing, but you shouldn’t be too nervous. Be honest if you like someone, and try to talk about it in a light, fun way. When you and your partner talk about sex, ask what they like and don’t like. Talking about things that spark your lust will help you both have a better experience. It’s hard to say, but you need to practice safe sex and ask what form of protection they prefer.
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