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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 2,373 times.
Many people like to watch depraved movies. It doesn’t mean they’re “bad” or morally degenerate. But if porn makes you uncomfortable, knowing that your husband loves it can put a strain on your marriage. The best way to deal with the problem is to communicate openly and honestly with your husband. There are many steps you can take to find a solution to this problem.
Steps
Have a sincere conversation with your husband
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Write down your main points. Maybe you recently discovered that your husband watches porn. Or maybe this is an ongoing issue in your relationship. Either way, it’s time to have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. [1] X Research Source
- Be prepared to talk openly about the problem. The first step that you need to take is to determine how you feel.
- Ask yourself why you object to his debauchery. Is it a matter of religion? Or is it against your moral standards?
- Choose a few words to describe how you feel. You need to express it in words like “disappointed”, “anxious” or “afraid”.
- Make a list of things you want to say. This method will keep you on track throughout the conversation and ensure that you convey your point of view clearly.
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Choose the right time. Talking to your husband about his pornographic habits is an important conversation. You need to allow yourself time to deal with this difficult topic. Be careful in choosing the right time to chat. [2] X Research Source
- Try to avoid starting a conversation about the problem late at night or early in the morning. Both of you will not be in the best mood when you are feeling tired.
- Notify him in advance. You should try to say something like, “I have something important to tell you. When can you talk?”
- Don’t talk in a hurry. Choose a time when you know well that you won’t be rushing to work or being interrupted by your kids.
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Don’t judge. Perhaps you have a serious aversion to pornography. They are your own feelings, and this is normal. However, you should try not to have conversations with your husband based primarily on judgment. [3] X Research Sources
- Try to use sentences that begin with the subject “em”. For example, you could say “I feel very uncomfortable when you watch porn in our house”.
- This type of statement is often more effective than a sentence that begins with the word “you”. Your husband will become defensive if you say something like “When you watch porn, you make me angry”.
- Avoid negative words. For example, try not to say something like, “I love you, but your porn habits are disgusting.” A negative word like “but” negates everything that comes before the word “but”.
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Ask a question. It is important that you let your husband know how you feel. However, don’t forget that effective conversation will allow both people to join the conversation. You should make an effort to understand your husband’s point of view. [4] X Research Sources
- Ask open-ended questions. For example, you could say, “Why is watching porn important to you?”.
- Remember to ask more questions to get more information. Try to say, “So pornography gets you excited. Is there any other way you can get the same feeling?”
- Ask for some new information. Consider asking “How do you think we’re going to solve this?”.
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Listen carefully. Asking questions is an important part of forming a constructive conversation. Listening to the answer is equally important. You should make it clear to your husband that you are listening carefully to his point of view.
- Use nonverbal cues. You can show him that you’re listening by maintaining eye contact and making gestures like nodding understandingly.
- Try to explain. You might say, “I heard you say this is a long-standing habit. Right?”
- Show respect. Allow your husband to complete the process of presenting his thoughts and words without interrupting.
Let’s find solutions together
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Give yourself time. Once you’ve had a constructive conversation about the topic, it’s time to start looking for a solution. Don’t expect that you will be able to solve the problem overnight. This is a sensitive topic that requires some time to find a solution. [5] X Research Sources
- Allow yourself time to reconsider. Remember that your first conversation about a problem doesn’t necessarily end with a solution.
- After talking to your husband, take a few days to think about how you feel. Are the two of you communicating effectively? Do you feel better about the situation?.
- Start thinking about possible solutions. Write down every idea you have. Writing about everything will help clear your mind.
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Maintain openness in communication. Once you’ve raised the topic the first time around, you should make sure you can keep the discussion going. You don’t have to talk about it every day, but let your husband know that you still have a lot to say. Tell him you want the two of you to work together to find a solution. [6] X Research Sources
- It is possible that the discussion of the subject of pornography will turn into an argument. This is a normal thing. Many couples often argue about what is considered “sensitive”.
- Take time to calm down. Tell your husband, “Right now, this conversation isn’t working. We should stop and take a moment to breathe.”
- It is clear that the discussion is not over yet. You could say, “This topic is very important to me, so we’ll talk about it tomorrow after we’ve both spent some time thinking about it.”
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Seek compromise. Perhaps it is important to you that your husband stop watching pornography immediately. However, this is something he will be hard pressed to promise you. You should ask yourself if you are willing to compromise. [7] X Research Sources
- Compromise can often turn out to be very helpful in resolving marital problems. It will help both parties feel as if the other is helping to contribute to a solution.
- Determine if you can cope with a reduction in pornography viewing. For example, maybe you should say, “Would you be willing to reduce the amount of porn you watch?”.
- If you are willing to compromise, your husband will also be willing to cooperate with you. Gradually, you will be able to achieve your goal of ending pornography altogether.
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Refresh your sex life. Many men say that they watch pornography because it interests them. This doesn’t mean that you’re unattractive or that he’s not interested in having sex with you, but that sometimes, he’s looking for a differentiator. [8] X Research Sources
- Try to make changes in your sex life. Maybe you’ve been stuck in a boring routine lately.
- Attempts to have sex at unusual times and in different places. For example, you can approach him while he is showering in the morning.
- Talk to each other about sexual desire. You can explain what you want and listen to what makes your husband happy.
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Prioritize proximity. Intimacy is an important element of a healthy marriage. There are quite a few types of proximity. Emotional closeness and physical intimacy are two examples. [9] X Research Source
- Become emotionally close to your husband. This means being able to tell each other everything. Make it clear that the two of you can discuss any topic with each other.
- Try to say, “I understand you sometimes have the urge to watch porn. I want you to know you can talk to me about how you feel.”
- Connect with each other on a physical level. Physical intimacy isn’t just about having sex.
- Become physically close by making time to kiss and hug each other every day. Touch each other affectionately and make small actions like holding hands.
Reconsider how you feel
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Conduct a self-assessment. In the perfect world, your husband would agree to stop watching porn right away. However, this situation can be more nuanced. As you step into the situational process, it’s a good idea to check to see if you’re okay. [10] X Research Source
- Ask yourself how you are feeling about the progress you have made. Do you feel good about your ability to form a compromise?
- What can you do to make the situation better? Would you like to conduct a follow-up conversation with your husband?.
- Take steps to make yourself feel in control. Remind yourself that you are actively trying to find a solution.
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Acknowledge how you feel. Finding a solution can be a long process. You will find yourself becoming more emotional than usual. Remember this is normal. You should allow yourself to feel a range of different emotions. [11] X Research Source
- You will probably switch from feeling hopeful to frustrated within a day. Do not worry.
- Avoid judging your feelings. Just be aware of them and move on.
- Consider journaling. Writing about how you’re feeling can be very purifying. It will also help you keep track of your emotional framework.
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Consider therapy. When one partner wants to watch porn and the other doesn’t, this can be a difficult situation. You should consider talking to a professional. Marriage counseling can be very helpful in helping a couple overcome a sensitive issue. [12] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
- Find the right consultant. You can ask your doctor for a referral.
- Check out online reviews. Look for a licensed relationship therapist.
- Request a consultation. You need to make sure that you like the approach and behavior of the therapist you choose.
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Find advice. Trying to get your husband to stop watching porn will be an unpleasant situation. Remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. You can find a personalized counseling program. [13] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
- You can also find alternative sources of support. Perhaps your spiritual mentor like a priest or pastor will provide guidance.
- Rely on friends and family. It’s okay if you don’t want to give details about your marital problems. But you still need to be able to say, “I’m going through a tough time, and a little care and attention would be very helpful to me.”
Advice
- Avoid giving ultimatums.
- Maintain an open and honest conversation.
- If he watches porn on a regular basis, you don’t have to accept the trust and think he’ll be honest with you about it.
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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 2,373 times.
Many people like to watch depraved movies. It doesn’t mean they’re “bad” or morally degenerate. But if porn makes you uncomfortable, knowing that your husband loves it can put a strain on your marriage. The best way to deal with the problem is to communicate openly and honestly with your husband. There are many steps you can take to find a solution to this problem.
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