How to make up with your partner after an argument

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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

There are 15 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.

This article has been viewed 83,021 times.

Arguing with that person is inevitable, but how would you choose to make up with them? It is very important to behave maturely when handling disagreements. That means you will take responsibility for your actions and boldly apologize when you make a mistake. You also need to communicate openly with the person and always listen attentively. After an argument, give your partner positive attention and be willing to make changes to maintain a good relationship.

Table of Contents

Actively heal

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Stop arguing so you can reconcile. Avoid holding grudges or letting arguments affect your day. Let’s work together to find solutions and end conflicts. You both need to agree to make up in order to heal the relationship. ^{[1] X Research Source}

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Acknowledge your role in the debate. No matter what you and your partner argue about, you’re still part of the argument. Be humble and admit that you were wrong. Don’t use “but” or “you should” and focus on your part in the argument. ^{[2] X Research Source}

For example, you raised your voice at the person or you argued when they needed you to listen.
You could say, “I was deducing it before I heard you say it. You didn’t listen and it’s your fault.”

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Handle your anger. Arguments often lead to anger and dissatisfaction. When you’re angry, you need to realize that you’re still in control and that the person doesn’t “make” you angry. Take steps to help you calm down, such as taking deep breaths. Also, think about what makes you angry and try to see the big picture.

Write your feelings down on paper so you can explore and understand them better. For example, if you’re upset about not getting a call from your partner, write about your experience and feelings at the time. You will find that your anger is actually rooted in feelings of being ignored or wanting more attention.

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Put relationships first. If you feel being right is more important than relationship peace, it’s time to lower your ego. Instead of focusing on proving you’re right, get to know the other person’s point of view. Pay more attention to their thoughts and perspectives, and don’t forget their relationship is still more important than analyzing right and wrong. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

For example, instead of saying, “Obviously you’re right and I’m wrong,” you’d say, “I get my point, but I still don’t get what you mean. Can you explain more?”
Remember that you two are teammates. Neither of you should take full responsibility, and the two of you should work together to find a solution. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Overcoming the “resonance” of the quarrel

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Spend time alone. Not seeing the person can help both of you think more clearly and regain your composure. However, you need to talk to the person about your need to be alone. Before doing what you want, meet the person or talk a few days in advance so that the problem does not continue to drag on. This is a way to allow the two of you to reframe your feelings and find a solution. This also lets your partner know that you have no intention of breaking up. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

For example, if you live with your partner, you might spend a day or weekend going somewhere alone or spending a lot of time outside. If you don’t live together or are in a long-distance relationship, try stopping contact for a short period of time, like a day or two.

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Set limits. When making up after an argument, it’s important to remember not to continue arguing. One way to do that is to set limits. You can decide to just exchange solutions or not say hurtful or blaming statements at all. Both of you must agree to the limits set in order to keep the conversation positive and let go of the old one. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

For example, agree not to raise your voice or insult each other. If the conversation becomes intense, perhaps you should pause or talk more at another time.

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Open your heart to listen to what he has to say. When you can discuss the fight with your partner, focus on listening. It’s easy to want to think about what to say or defend yourself, but right now understanding the person is the top priority. Avoid interrupting or thinking about what you are going to say while the other person is speaking. Instead, give them your full attention, look them in the eye, and paraphrase what you understand. ^{[9] X Research Source}

For example, summarize what they said when they finished by saying, “I can understand that you want me to share more about how I feel.”
Avoid using descriptive language like “always” and “never”.
Ignore the urge to prove you’re “right”. Instead, be humble and listen to the other person’s point of view. Don’t forget to acknowledge that they were right in some way.

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Help the person deal with the feelings. If the person is angry, you should support them in the moment and help them regain their composure. When the person shares his or her feelings, listen and don’t interrupt. You need to give them a chance to express their feelings, even if you think it’s excessive or unnecessary. When the person feels heard, it can create attachment and understanding.

Let the person talk and try to understand what they are going through. You need to understand, rather than judge or deny their feelings.

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Share your thoughts and feelings. When it comes to your part, you should do it on purpose so that the person can empathize and understand you better. Use first person when speaking to focus on your feelings instead of what the other person has done. When you want to blame or criticize the other person, stop and share how you feel.

For example, you could say, “I feel hurt when you don’t cook dinner for me but for my friends.” This way of saying doesn’t feel as heavy as “I abandoned you and only thought about friends”.
You can tell more about your wishes. For example: “I feel abandoned, and I don’t want to be like that again.”
Find common ground. Start with what the two of you agreed to and work on changing from there. If the two of you can’t find common ground in this debate, don’t forget that you both love each other. That is also common ground. ^{[10] X Research Source}

Heal the relationship

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Act according to that person’s advice. If your partner offers constructive feedback after an argument, you should follow through. This shows that you have listened and want to make positive change. You are not perfect and there are still many things that you (and your partner) need to change. Put aside the stubbornness and try to follow his advice. ^{[11] X Research Source}

For example, if your crush asks you to help with the housework, take the initiative to do it without waiting for a prompt. Take out the trash, go to the market and do what your loved one and your home need.
You don’t need to change your entire life or forget about yourself to please your partner. Feedback should be constructive and not exhausting or controlling.

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Give that person positive attention. The sooner the two of you experience joy and comfort, the better. The act of creating positive emotions will really help you and your partner feel connected. Give that person positive attention in a way that makes sense to them. Showing a cold attitude after an argument can create distance between the two of you, and over time will cause both of you to go separate ways. ^{[12] X Research Source}

For example, let them know how great they are in your eyes, plan a date or prepare dinner.

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Cuddle each other. Cuddling can help foster a bond between the two of you, and is extremely helpful after a fight. Hold the person’s hand, hug them, or touch or stroke their feet. You just need to cuddle the way your partner likes it. ^{[13] X Research Source}

Cuddling also reduces stress levels; so you and your partner both benefit from this action.

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Do something fun together. Repairing friendships and romantic relationships is very important. Plan an interesting date. You can go to your favorite restaurant, have a picnic, or visit a museum. Just do whatever you both enjoy.

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Make a memorable romantic act. If it was a serious argument and you’re having trouble reconnecting with your partner, a romantic act can help bridge the gap. Give them the gift they want or book them a relaxing massage. If you want to “go big,” you can plan a trip together or give your significant other a dream date. It should make the person feel cared for and loved. ^{[14] X Research Source}

However, romantic acts are no substitute for apologies or solutions to problems.

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Accept the change in the relationship. After an argument, you might look at the other person in a different light or feel like you’ve seen a different side of them. It’s not unusual when the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship wears off and you realize your partner is just a normal person with pros and cons. If the argument has changed your relationship or your way of thinking about your partner, accept those changes instead of fighting them. Arguing can create a new state in a relationship; so you need to be willing to adapt to those changes.

Many couples wish to return to the “sweet stage”. However, all relationships grow and change; Therefore, it is best to accept your relationship and create positive experiences to move forward.
See your experience as a lesson for strong relationships in the future.

Steps

Actively heal

Overcoming the “resonance” of the quarrel

Heal the relationship

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