How to Maintain a Long Distance Relationship

No one thinks long distance (or “long-distance”) relationships are easy, but long distances don’t necessarily ruin your relationship either. As long as you stay calm and keep in touch properly, long distance relationships can be more stable than close geographical relationships. ^{[1] X Research Source Stafford, L., & Merpla, AJ (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.} Small adjustments to your attitude and lifestyle can help you keep the one you love in your life.

Table of Contents

Preserve the Ordinary While You Can

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Keep contact. Since the two of you can’t see each other in person, it can be important to build and maintain a regular emotional connection. Conversations don’t have to be too long or too detailed. ^{[2] X Research Source Aylor, BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.} Regular contact, even if the conversation isn’t long, shows that you care enough to put time and effort into the relationship, ^{[3] X Aylor Research Source , BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.} and it’s also easier to keep the two of you updated on each other’s lives. ^{[4] X Research Resources Johnson, AJ, Haigh, MM, Becker, JA, Craig, EA, & Wigley, S. (2008). The Use of Relationship Management Tactics in Email by College Students study on Geographical Near and Far Relationships. Journal of Computer-mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404.} If you let a large time gap (several days at a time) pass, your daily experiences will become blurred, and you will have to start from scratch every time you talk to your partner.

Take note of the other person’s preferred method of communication. Try out lots of different means to see what works best for both of you. ^{[5] X Research Source Aylor, BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.} You can try texting, emailing, or using facetime to update every little detail of your daily life.
Organize your calendar. If you realize you’ll be too busy to chat, let your partner know ahead of time and try to communicate as much as possible. If you’re not as busy as your partner, be flexible and focus on doing something you enjoy.

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Let’s talk about the ordinary and the small. Don’t think that everything has to be a detailed dialogue about relationships, hopes, or dreams. Instead, pay attention to small stories that couples living together will notice, such as shopping, doing housework, or redecorating the place. ^{[6] X Research Resources Johnson, AJ, Haigh, MM, Becker, JA, Craig, EA, & Wigley, S. (2008). The Use of Relationship Management Tactics in Email by College Students study on Geographical Near and Far Relationships. Journal of Computer-mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404.} This creates the feeling that the two of you are building a home together, something you can both hope for.

Chatting about the mundane or mundane moments of the day can also foster connection and interdependence, and they are the foundation of any relationship. ^{[7] X Research Source Sahlstein, EM (2006). Make a plan: A customary tactic for negotiating uncertainty–certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 147-165.}

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Let’s visit each other often. Try to schedule time to see the other person as often as possible or as much as possible depending on your financial capabilities. Meet your other half as soon as you get the chance. ^{[8] X Research Source Stafford, L., & Merpla, AJ (2007). Idealization, reunion, and stability of long-distance relationships. Journal of Personal and Social Relationships,24(1), 37-54.}^{[9] X Research Sources Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Pattern of communication channels used to maintain long distance relationships. Report on Communication Studies,19(2), 118-129.} Build a regular schedule, or at least plan for the next one right after the end of an appointment. Face-to-face communication is just as important as satisfaction, commitment, and trust in a relationship. ^{[10] X Research Source Aylor, BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.}

Make it a habit in your get-togethers, like eating at a “gut” restaurant, enjoying a quiet night together at home, or doing a favorite activity together.
Arrange transportation so that it doesn’t interfere with the time you two spend together. Know where at the airport or train station you need to meet. Learn to travel with a bag or leave essentials at your partner’s house to save time at the airport.
Let’s meet outside sometimes. Take a trip to a place you’ve never been before, or choose a spot in the middle of where you both live.

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Let’s get to know each other. Like any other relationship, you need to take the time to get to know and understand your partner. When talking, pay attention to the things the other person likes best (like hobbies or daily activities), and do a little research on those things so that you two have more to talk about.

Knowing the other person’s preferences will also be beneficial when you want to exchange gifts. Mutual gifting is a form of sharing your feelings with the other person over long distances. ^{[11] X Research Source Aylor, BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.}

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Remember that your partner is also human. Distance will make you more affectionate, but it can also make you idealize your partner. This can make a relationship stable, but over-idealizing (thinking that the other person is perfect) will make reuniting with the real person that much more difficult. ^{[12] X Research Source Stafford, L., & Merpla, AJ (2007). Idealization, reunion, and stability of long-distance relationships. Journal of Personal and Social Relationships,24(1), 37-54.}

Maintaining daily communication about your daily life will help humanize your partner and help you understand the changes he or she is going through. ^{[13] X Research Source Aylor, BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.}

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Support each other, even from a distance. Be there for the other person when he or she is in trouble, hurt, or for whatever reason. You always need to appear ready to help to let the other person know that you care about them. If your partner has to deal with their important problems alone, eventually they won’t need you anymore. ^{[14] X Research Source Stafford, L., & Merpla, AJ (2007). Idealization, reunion, and stability of long-distance relationships. Journal of Personal and Social Relationships,24(1), 37-54.} Interdependence is the voluntary sacrifice of self-interest for the benefit of the other party or sacrifice for your relationship. ^{[15] X Research Resources Finkel, EJ, & Campbell, WK (2001). Autonomy and regulation in close relationships: an analysis of interdependence. Journal of Personality and Psychosocial, 81(2), 263.} Instead, support the other person to co-create the interdependence that is essential to a long distance relationship.

Interdependence can be seen in everyday actions like when the two of you compromise on long-term decisions and habits, like quitting smoking.

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Create trust. Trust in a relationship is vital, regardless of distance. ^{[16] X Simpson Research Source , JA (2007). The Psychology of Trust. Current trends in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.} Do your best to be faithful to the other person and reject temptations. If you have done something wrong, honesty is extremely important and tell the truth to the other person even if the lie might be better for you. ^{[17] X Simpson Research Source , JA (2007). The Psychology of Trust. Current trends in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.} For example, when you’re in a tempting situation (like going to a bar), lying about your location will benefit you personally, but if you’re honest it will help your relationship. .

Regular use of email and other online resources will help foster trust in romantic relationships. ^{[18] X Research Sources Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Pattern of communication channels used to maintain long distance relationships. Report on Communication Studies,19(2), 118-129.}^{[19] X Research Sources Johnson, AJ, Haigh, MM, Becker, JA, Craig, EA, & Wigley, S. (2008). College Students’ Use of Relationship Management Strategies in Email for Geographical Distance and Near Relationships. Journal of Computer-mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404.}

Be loyal to the other person. Be upfront and honest by automatically giving out personal information. ^{[20] X Research Source Petronio, S. (2013). Brief status report on communication secret management theory. Journal of Family Communication, 13(1), 6-14.} The two of you need to care for each other mentally, and continue the relationship because of your personal values, not because of social pressure. ^{[21] X Research Sources Lydon, J., Pierce, T., & O’Regan, S. (1997). Face ethical commitment with long distance relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 104.} Personal values include beliefs, such as “faithfulness is part of my personality”. Social pressure includes the perception of society’s approval or disapproval. For example, “My mom would freak out if I cheated on my girlfriend and she leaves me.”

Watch for the other person’s behavior when they try to manipulate you into doing things that only benefit them, like when they lie about an emergency just so you can answer the phone while you’re in an important meeting. . If dishonesty and manipulative behavior have become part of your interactions, you need to rethink why your relationship lacks trust.

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Don’t do something irrational just because you’re angry or frustrated about what the other person did. Communication is key, if you have a problem, say it, so you two will build trust and cohesion. You won’t be able to sustain a relationship if you’re afraid they’ll do something to you in retaliation for what you did in anger.

Working Together and Connecting

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Share something. Create something that both of you can access and share, like an online blog or scrapbook. This will give the two of you a new way to communicate and also make you feel like you’re doing something together. ^{[22] X Research Source Aylor, BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.} You can create a food blog with food adventures, take a fitness photo on Instagram, or create a special hashtag (the string of characters after the pound “#”) on Twitter just for the two of you.

Share your online calendars, too. If you don’t meet the other person, you will have a basis to find out why. You’ll also have something to say to the other person, like, “How was the music last night?”

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Do the same things at the same time. This will narrow the gap between the two of you and bridge the gap. ^{[23] X Research Sources Stafford, L., & Merpla, AJ (2007). Idealization, reunion, and stability of long-distance relationships. Journal of Personal and Social Relationships,24(1), 37-54.} You will feel closer to the other person and at the same time you will bond with each other. If you’re not sure what to do, try the following:

Plan to cook the same dish on the same day. If neither of you enjoy cooking, plan to eat the same foods or snacks.
Read a book or article together. You can also take turns reading aloud to each other.
Watch TV shows or movies together. Keep your calls going and share reactions together.
Use a cell phone to talk while eating or watching a movie together.
Sleep together. The two of you can talk on the phone or chat with pictures (video chat) and fall asleep together. Sometimes doing this will bring the two of you closer together.

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Learn together. Pick a project you both enjoy doing, like taking an online language class or learning how to knit. Do whatever interests you both. This will give you a magical sense of the memories shared with your partner and there will be something between the two of you that will draw you closer together. It’s also a good way to spend time together and also gives you something to talk about with the other person.

Take advantage of the Internet. The two of you can play an online multiplayer game, or play something more classic like chess. Either way, the two of you can chat while playing, and create the feeling that the two of you are together.

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Make the other person feel special. Try to do little things to let the other person know that you care about them. You can handwrite love letters and send them out. Or, send small gifts, gift cards, or flowers for no reason at all. ^{[24] X Research Sources Aylor, BA (2003). Maintain long distance relationship. Maintaining Relationships Through Communication: Variations in Relationships, Circumstances, and Cultures, 127-140.} Finding a way to send anything to your partner couldn’t be easier.

Don’t feel like you have to send something big. The small but frequent things are just as important as making the person feel special on special occasions.

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Find common interests. Try new things together, even if the two of you are doing it in different places. This way, you won’t just talk on the phone, because if you just call, the relationship will be really tough. Instead, do something romantic like stargazing while you’re on the phone. Do it at the same time and set the alarm clock at the same time every day, and think about each other every time the clock rings.

Remind yourself that your partner is thinking about you as well when doing these things with you, even when you’re apart. This will help strengthen the bond between the two of you.

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Create relationships. It’s very important that you feel like you have a place in the other person’s life. Try meeting each other’s friends, online or in person. ^{[25] X Research Source Sahlstein, EM (2006). Make a plan: A customary tactic for negotiating uncertainty–certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 147-165.} This will help you better understand the other person’s life and make communication easier.

If either of you has to move so the two of you can be together, that person will be leaving their friends at the same time. Start a social and professional network right away for those who have to move.

Set Expectations and Limits

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Discuss the nature of your relationship. Ask important questions now to make sure you’re both clear about the nature of your relationship. Identify the relationship you both want. For example, are you two dating, dating, boyfriend-girlfriend, or engaged? You should also define exclusivity in the relationship (whether you go see other people’s faces). For example, you could ask, “Would you be willing to move if the relationship were more serious?” or “What are you looking for out of this relationship?”

While these can be difficult questions to ask and also lead to challenging conversations, shaping the relationship will save you from heart attacks and misunderstandings later on. This is an important step towards building the relationship you both want.

Advice

If you must fly or use other public transport to visit your partner, immediately enroll in a good rewards program (airline or frequent flyer points). These miles will add up, and the bonus will help you stay commuting over time, and may even give you a chance or two for a surprise visit.
Design a countdown item and send it to your partner to see until you meet again. For example, create a photo calendar, with something you add to each calendar to describe what you love about your partner.
Talk to someone. Having a roommate or a family member around will help keep you from feeling alone.
Send your photos to your partner, as often as you can. Share snapshots. This will make both of you happy.
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s easy for two people to argue because you can’t always tell how realistic the other’s tone is through text messages. It’s also easy to blurt out hurtful things when you’re not face to face, but those words can still hurt to the same extent. Be especially careful when guessing the other person’s words (because it may not exactly match what the other person means), as well as what you say when angry.

Steps

Preserve the Ordinary While You Can

Working Together and Connecting

Set Expectations and Limits

Advice

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