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This article was co-written by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ people, people of color, and people who have difficulty reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master’s degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 7,779 times.
Love is difficult to define. From poets to psychologists to ordinary people, efforts to define love and feelings beyond the boundaries of “when you feel love, know immediately” have generated a huge amount of answers. Even more difficult to explain is the definition of unconditional love. Some say this is the only true love, and others say it’s impossible. To be able to believe in unconditional love and really love someone unconditionally, you need to put a lot of thought, action, and belief into it. Only you can determine if you are in love unconditionally, can or should love someone like that. However, maybe this article can help you somewhat.
Steps
Definition of unconditional love
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Consider the types of love that exist. The ancient Greeks did this and gave four variations of love as mentioned in the article Definition of Love. Among them, Agape love is the closest to unconditional love. Agape love is a choice, a decision made to love someone despite circumstances or disappointment.
- Therefore, unconditional love means loving others for who they are, as they are, no matter what they do or don’t do. [1] X Research Source Parents are often the ones who understand this definition best.
- This kind of love can also be achieved through study and practice. To love someone unconditionally, you need to choose whether you will. [2] X Research Source
- Parents may realize that they have no choice but to love their children from the moment they see them born, yet, even though it may be difficult to realize, that initial attachment will be replaced. by deciding to love that child forever, no matter the circumstances.
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You need to realize that unconditional love is not “blind” love. A person who is just starting to fall in love will often fall into this state, where they won’t see the full reality, mistakes, and other things of the person they love. [3] X Research Sources
- This state of love is (or at least should be) temporary, and needs to be replaced by a more permanent and “sober” type of love if you’re going to stay in love.
- To love someone unconditionally, you need to be aware of the conditions, both good and bad.
- “Unconditional love is not blind love, it is a decision in which nothing is more important than love.” – Talidari
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Consider whether romantic love can be unconditional. Some people will say no, because romantic love must have conditions to survive, it is a relationship based on feelings, actions and expectations. With this in mind, you will never be able to love your partner as unconditionally as you love your child. [4] X Research Sources
- However, love is not the same as a relationship. Relationships are conditional, a kind of “work cooperation”. An unconditional relationship is a kind of unilateral decision. [5] X Research Sources
- So, a relationship can end when the partnership no longer works properly, however, unconditional love towards one person can still exist. Sometimes, ending a relationship can be the way to love unconditionally.
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Think of unconditional love as an action instead of an emotion. We often think of love as an emotion, but emotion is a response to something we “get” from someone or something. Therefore, emotions are also conditioned.
- Unconditional love is the choice to strive for the benefit of others. The emotion you get from acting on love is your reward, the result that you “get” from your own actions.
- Unconditional love is an action based on love regardless of conditions.
- If you have to do something or become someone to be loved then that love is conditional. If you receive love freely and without restriction, that is unconditional love.
Love unconditionally
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Love yourself unconditionally. Unconditional love begins with yourself at home. You know your own flaws and weaknesses better than anyone, and you also know yourself better than you know others. When you can love yourself despite knowing best about your own flaws, that’s when you can love others the same way.
- You must be able to recognize, accept, and forgive your imperfections in order to do so with others. [6] X Research Sources If you cannot consider yourself worthy of unconditional love, you will never be able to truly give that love to others. [7] X Research Sources
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Make loving choices. Always ask yourself, “What is the most loving thing I can do for this person in this moment?” You cannot love everyone equally; An act of love towards one person can be harmful to another, because it does not make them a truly happy person.
- Unconditional love is a refreshing decision that you need to make in every situation, it is not a rigid and simple rule that you can apply to everyone all the time.
- For example, if two friends are grieving the death of a loved one, perhaps providing a shoulder to lean on and have a long conversation would be the appropriate act of love for one person, while leaving it alone. Leaving them alone in silence will suit the other.
- If you’re not sure what’s the best way to help someone, you can ask, “How can I help you?”
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Forgive those you love. Even if someone doesn’t apologize, in order to get rid of anger and resentment towards them, you need to love them and love yourself. Remember Piero Ferrucci’s advice: forgiveness is “not an act but an essence”. [8] X Research Source Piero Ferrucci, <i>The power of kindness</i>, p. 52, (2006), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4
- In religion, you will hear the saying “Hate the sin, but love the sinner”. Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean liking every action or choice they make; it means not letting those things get in the way of wanting to do the best for the person in every way. [9] X Research Source
- If the person you love says something hurtful in anger, the choice to love is to let them know the words hurt you, but at the same time, forgive their carelessness. Help them grow and know that they are loved.
- However, don’t confuse being willing to forgive with allowing others to dominate you. Freeing yourself from an environment in which you are constantly being abused or taken advantage of can be a loving choice for yourself and the other person.
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Don’t expect that you can protect your loved one from pain and disappointment. Part of loving someone is nurturing their growth as a person, and pain and disappointment are a natural part of growing up. Unconditional love means that you will do everything you can to make that person happy and comfortable, and it also means that you will help them grow through the inevitable traumatic experiences.
- Don’t lie to “protect” your loved one’s feelings; Support them as they process their emotions and deal with pain.
- For example, lying about financial distress to keep others from hurting can cause more hurt and distrust in the long run. Instead, be honest, supportive, and willing to work together to find a solution.
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Love more by “caring” less. Isn’t love the same as caring? Yes, you will “care” for a person by working for their happiness and well-being. You should not be “concerned” in the way that you base your love on certain outcomes, which means that love is conditional. [10] X Research Source
- So don’t say: “I don’t care what you want [because your well-being has nothing to do with me];” instead, say “I don’t care what you want [because I love you, no matter what you choose or act].”
- You don’t love that person in return for a gesture that pleases you, you get happiness from your act of unconditional love.
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Accept yourself and the person you love for who you are. You are not perfect, but you are perfectly capable of loving others; similarly, other people are not perfect but they deserve to be loved.
- Unconditional love is acceptance – not expecting others to make you happy with their choices and lifestyle. You cannot control anyone other than yourself.
- Your brother may often make the wrong choices, but that shouldn’t affect the love you have for him. Don’t love others because of the way they live, love simply because they live.
Advice
- Practice doing something for someone every day just out of love. Do it without expecting anything in return. Do it without other people knowing. For example, you can pray for a friend or loved one who is far away. You can send an email, text, or handwritten letter to someone you haven’t contacted in a while. Praise others. You can smile at a stranger passing by. You can pet your pet dog or cat. Do small things with great love every day. Feel your heart expand as you love more.
- To love means to wish others to live happily ever after. Love is giving, not receiving.
- You don’t have to be perfect to love others, just being honest is enough.
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This article was co-written by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ people, people of color, and people who have difficulty reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master’s degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 7,779 times.
Love is difficult to define. From poets to psychologists to ordinary people, efforts to define love and feelings beyond the boundaries of “when you feel love, know immediately” have generated a huge amount of answers. Even more difficult to explain is the definition of unconditional love. Some say this is the only true love, and others say it’s impossible. To be able to believe in unconditional love and really love someone unconditionally, you need to put a lot of thought, action, and belief into it. Only you can determine if you are in love unconditionally, can or should love someone like that. However, maybe this article can help you somewhat.
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