How to Let Someone Down Gently (with Pictures)

This article was co-authored by JT Tran. JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

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Letting someone down gently after you are no longer interested in them can be emotionally difficult. However, if you’re interested in sparing your ex’s feelings there are steps you can take to let him or her down easy. Choose effective communication strategies, avoid common pitfalls of breakups, and end the conversation in a manner that allows you both to move on.

Steps

Communicating Effectively

1. 1Choose an appropriate time and place. If you want to let someone down easy, timing and location matter. If you’re seeking to let someone down in an empathetic matter, take some time to consider the proper location and timeframe to talk to them.
   • Face-to-face is ideal for difficult conversations. Humans evolved to pick up on non-verbal cues and signals that are reassuring during difficult conversations. An impromptu pat on the shoulder, for example, can reassure someone he or she is essentially lovable even if this one relationship did not work out. A look of sadness on your face can help your partner see you truly care about his or her feelings, despite the fact you feel the relationship should end.[1] X Research source
   • If possible, choose to have the talk at a place where your significant other feels comfortable. Choose to stop by his or her apartment to talk, for example. It may feel uncomfortable for you but giving someone a slight sense of power during a difficult conversation can help him or her digest bad news.
   • If you anticipate a long conversation, try to choose a time where the conversation will not be cut short by external factors. Do not, for example, break up with your longterm boyfriend an hour before he has to leave for work. Instead, choose to stop by his place shortly after dinner on a weeknight. This will allow any lingering loose threads to be addressed.
2. 2Take responsibility yourself. If you’re letting someone down easy, you need to take full responsibility for your decision. Oftentimes, people feel it will be easier if their partner initiates the breakup. However, you are the one whose feelings have changed. It’s your responsibility to start the breakup conversation. Trying to lead your partner to the conclusion, that you want to break up, through subtle cues is not only dishonest it can be confusing. Your partner may not get the message and begin to question him or herself as you subtly pull away.[2] X Research source
   • For example, if you become less physically affectionate in order to show your partner you’re losing interest your partner might question his or her own attractiveness. If you want to let someone down easy, you need to take full responsibility of your decision.

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3. 3Be open and direct about your feelings. It’s best to be honest when letting someone down. While you do not have to go over every single reason you want out, it’s important to be direct about your expectations. Make it clear you want to end the relationship and give your partner a brief explanation as to why.
   • The essential message that most breakups boil down to is, “You’re not what I’m looking for.” It’s perfectly okay to express this. This will allow the recipient to have a sense of closure as he or she will understand your reasoning. It’s okay to gently say something like, “I’m sorry, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I need something different right now and I think we should go our separate ways.” If it’s a less serious relationship, you can keep the statement briefer. Something like, “Sorry, but I’m not feeling a significant spark between us. I think we would be better off friends.”[3] X Research source
   • Honesty is important, but it does not have to be brutal. It’s not a good idea to go over your partner’s past mistakes or current pitfalls. If you’re leaving because you’re no longer attracted to your partner, for example, this might be best unsaid. If you want to let someone down easy, keep your statements for ending the relationship general and don’t hesitate to praise your partner’s good qualities instead of talking about what didn’t work. This helps convey the message that you simply don’t want to be with them anymore instead of insulting them as a person.[4] X Research source
   • Being honest can seem hard, but it’s kinder than just ghosting someone, which can be emotionally painful for the other person in the long run.[5]
     X
     Expert Source
     JT TranDating Coach Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
4. 4Keep it short. Once again, while it’s great to be honest you should also be direct. You are not doing your partner any good by beating around the bush and avoiding the subject at hand. Start the conversation off with a direct declaration of what you want, something like, “I wanted to talk to you because I don’t feel this relationship is working out.” From there, try to keep the conversation brief.
   • Try to speak from the heart rather than going over a prepared speech.
   • Letting someone down can be difficult but remaining calm and collected is important. This way, you’ll be able to get your words out in a concise manner. Becoming overly emotional can result in confusing rambling, obscuring the message at hand. Try to spend some time emotionally preparing for the conversation by running over a script in your head.[6] X Research source
   • You could write down some of what you plan to say. While memorizing a speech may not be the best route, this can make you come off as cold, having some idea of what you can say can help you focus. Practice your words a few times before the confrontation.[7] X Research source
5. 5Offer friendship, if you’re able. Offering some kind of consolation at the end of a relationship can help reduce the sting of the blow. If possible, offer friendship to your ex. Say something like, “I hope we can stay friends.” However, keep in mind many people struggle staying friends, especially in the direct wake of a breakup. If you do not think you can reasonably remain friends with someone, do not make the offer.[8] X Research source

Avoiding Pitfalls

1. 1Speak without cliches. When letting someone down easy, it’s important to avoid anything your ex might find patronizing or insulting. Cliches, such as “It’s not you, it’s me,” can feel dishonest. Instead, express yourself directly and abandon cliche language. Speaking to your own personal experience is best when letting someone down easy.[9] X Research source
2. 2Do not place blame. You may feel some anger and resentment if you’re choosing to end a relationship. It can be tempting to attribute blame to your ex, especially if he or she hurt you. However, if you want to let your ex down easy playing the blame game is not a good idea.
   • Avoiding negativity of any kind is one of the best ways to spare someone’s feelings. Going over past mistakes or resentments can spur an argument, resulting in an unclean and unpleasant breakup.[10] X Research source
   • If you suspect your partner may not take the breakup well, keep in mind he or she may try to blame you. Avoid being sucked into a negative conversation. If your partner tries to put you down for your actions, counter with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way but it doesn’t change my decision.”[11] X Research source
3. 3Avoid social media in the direct aftermath. Social media can be particularly toxic in the wake of a breakup. If you want to let your ex down easy, avoid posting about the breakup online. Even accounts you think he or she might not access to could potentially discovered. While many find social media cathartic when coping with a breakup, keep in mind your ex’s feelings may be hurt by what you choose to post. It may also be a good idea to stop following your ex on any social media platforms. During a breakup, you’ll need time to cultivate some space between you and your partner to help you move on. Severing the social media tie a bit can help.
   • In general, it’s best to not get others involved. Instead, try to keep things between you and your ex. Mutual friends with good intentions can interfere and make the situation more complicated than it needs to be.

Moving Forward

1. 1Focus on the good times. You can help yourself and your ex cope by choosing to focus on the positive. Towards the end of the breakup conversation, try to focus on mutual benefit.
   • Emphasize all the good things your partner has done for you. Make sure she leaves the conversation feeling like the relationship was worthwhile even if it did not work out. Say something like, “You really made me feel good about myself and pushed me to be a kinder, more empathetic person. I will always be grateful for that.”[12] X Research source
   • Encourage gratitude. While acknowledging it may take some time, encourage your partner to cherish the good times you had together. Relationships are primarily social exchanges and people have a natural tendency to search for their benefits. Your partner will appreciate you helping him or her seek positives even as the relationship ends.[13] X Research source
2. 2Be upfront about lessening contact. As previously stated, it can be helpful to leave the door open for friendship. However, you do not want to give mixed messages. Be honest about what kind of contact you want to have with your ex. If you need some space before you can work on establishing a friendship, for example, say so. Do not try to force friendly meetings prematurely, as this can confuse you and your ex. You will need time and space before you’re able to see one another without romantic attachments and associations.[14] X Research source
3. 3Act civil after the breakup. You will likely run into your ex at some point in the future. Be cordial and friendly during any encounters you might have. Remain emotionally prepared. Keep in mind as you go to work, school, and run errands you may run into your ex. This can help you stay calm and collected during the encounter.
4. 4Resist thinking of your ex as your one true love. When in love, many people convince themselves the person they’re with is their one true love. However, you need to let those feelings go after a breakup. In reality, there are many people with whom you would be potentially compatible. You will likely find someone else in the future, despite what you may be feeling in the present moment. Allow yourself to accept the fact that the relationship ended for a reason and that you will find someone else in the future.[15] X Research source

Should I Let Them Down?

1. 1Are you sure that you want to end the relationship? If not, then don’t end things. You need to mentally consider this as a break-up. Don’t try and let someone down easy as an excuse to “keep your options open.” Either you break up or you don’t. Playing games with someone’s emotions isn’t fair or gentle.
   • If you hope that you can get them to break up with you, then don’t try and let them down gently. You can’t expect them to do the work for you — you need to end things yourself.
   • If they don’t pick up on the hints or being gentle doesn’t work, you need to be ready to step in and end the relationship firmly.
   • If you’re thinking about ending the relationship because you don’t want to be monogamous, consider asking the other person if they’re interested in maintaining an open relationship, where you still see each other, but you’re both free to date other people, as well.[16]
     X
     Expert Source
     JT TranDating Coach Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
2. 2Are you trying to break contact completely, or just return to friendship? Your goals when splitting away from someone are important. If you don’t want to see someone again, then you should just end the relationship quickly and kindly. If you’re just trying to slow thing down a bit, a gentle let down is more appropriate.
   • A gentle let down can give someone the impression that you may want to rekindle things later in life. If you don’t want this, end it quickly.
   • If you’re being gentle because you are worried about your safety, just end things quickly. Don’t worry about being gentle. If you’re worried about their reaction, bring a trusted friend along.
   • If you’ve had some disagreements lately and just need some space, you should let them down gently, allowing you to resume friendship when the dust has settled.
3. 3Is your relationship in a lull, or fatally flawed? All relationships have ups and downs, and it is easy to forget about the good times when you’re in the bad. If you’re trying to let her down because you’ve hit a rough patch, ask yourself if you really dislike her or just dislike your current state.
   • Don’t rush into this decision. Wait 2-3 weeks to see if your feelings change. Try writing a list of pros and cons to help clarify your decision. Use this to see if there are things you can adjust rather than simply ending the relationship.
   • Many people like the “gentle let down” because it lets you change your mind later on. If you do keep changing your mind, however, you are likely in a short lull, not some relationship crisis.
   • If you keep having the same old fights every day, then you should consider ending it once and for all.
4. 4Would a quick, clean break up be better for everyone? While your gentle intentions are noble, and you still care for their feelings, ask yourself if you’re really making things better with a protracted split. Sometimes you just need to rip the Band-Aid off. If you know that they’re emotionally invested in your relationship and don’t want things to end, you’re not going to be gentle no matter what you do. Don’t prolong this more than necessary.
   • If he seems distant as well, and you just don’t feel the spark anymore, you should go ahead and let him down nice and gently.
5. 5What can you do instead of a gentle let down? If you’ve realized that this isn’t fair, or isn’t the best way to end things, you should weigh your other options. Consider:

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• QuestionMy friend had a crush on me and I don’t like him back. What should I say to him?Paul Chernyak, LPCPaul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
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• QuestionMy friend told me he likes me right in front of my boyfriend. He was very forward and creepy, and even a bit rude towards my boyfriend. Should we remain friends? What should I say to him?Paul Chernyak, LPCPaul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
  Licensed Professional CounselorLicensed Professional CounselorExpert Answer
• QuestionHow can I gently let someone know I don’t want to see them anymore?JT TranJT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.
  Dating CoachDating CoachExpert Answer

References

1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups
5. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups

1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups
7. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.

About This Article

Letting someone down gently is all about being honest and kind but also clear with them. Try to avoid using clichés, like, “It’s not you, it’s me,” which can come across a bit confusing and shallow. Instead, give an honest reason why you don’t want to be with them. For example, say something like, “I’m sorry, but I think we’re too different to work in a relationship.” Try to keep it brief so you don’t drag out the painful experience for longer than you need to. If you’ve been in a relationship with them for a while, wait for a good time when they’re not stressed about something else so it’s not too overwhelming. For more tips from our co-author, including how to decide if you should let someone down or not, read on.

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