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This article was co-written by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Deb Schneider is a clinical social worker at a private enterprise in Oakland, CA and a manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces that respect the identities of disadvantaged communities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and women’s studies from Clark University and a master’s degree in social work with a medical major from the University of California’s Berkeley School of Social Welfare.
There are 11 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
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If your child doesn’t conform to the usual gender norms, you may be wondering if he or she is transgender. Listen to your child express his or her own gender identity and pay attention to trends that are not gender-conforming. However, you should be careful and don’t overthink it, because many gender norms are actually biased. For example, a boy who likes to play with dolls is not necessarily transgender. In all cases, you should help children explore their feelings and gender identity. If your child is transgender, you should show love, support, and be ready to support the child.
Steps
Observing children
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Notice if your child has tendencies that are different from gender norms. Maybe you’ve seen your daughter enjoy toys that are often referred to as “boys.” Remember that just because your daughter loves cars doesn’t mean she’s transgender. However, if your child consistently shows a marked interest in things that do not conform to conventional gender stereotypes, this is remarkable. [1] X Research Sources[2] X Research Sources
- A child with a few different behaviors may just be a gender nonconformist, but a child with a wide variety of behaviors and shows extreme distress when forced to behave according to their biological sex. Mine is probably transgender.
- Don’t forget that most notions of gender are just prejudices. For example, genetically, boys don’t necessarily like the color blue.
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Watch for other accompanying signs. Transgender children often show many signs of their true gender. Fantasy games often represent a child’s gender and desires for how to dress and look after the child. A child may be transgender if many of the following signs are present: [3] X Research Source
- Insist on shopping at the girls/boys store
- Choose your own boy/girl name
- Likes friends of the opposite sex (friends of the gender that the child desires)
- Making a fuss about hairstyles
- Frequently pretending to be characters in stories or movies with the gender they want.
- Hate my genitals
- Admiring older boys/girls and aspires to be like them
- Asking for books or toys that say “for boys” or “for girls”
- Want to be reincarnated with the child’s true gender
- Lamenting about his biological sex [4] X Research Source
- It’s much more fun when you let your child do something related to the gender they want
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Watch for signs of distress in children when forced to live with an unwanted sex. For example, if your “son” screams loudly because he can’t stand a short haircut, or if your “sister” cries when he can’t buy clothes at the boys’ stall, it’s probably is a sign that the child is transgender. Gender is an important factor, so children may feel (or behave) as if the end of the world is coming if they have to play someone who isn’t themselves.
- Pay attention to tantrums when kids cut their hair, shop for clothes, put on/don’t wear pink, and how to take care of their appearance. Forced children to behave in accordance with their gender will be like a war.
- Pay attention to your child’s arguments. For example, if you say “Boys can wear skirts too,” and your child says, “But I’m not a boy wearing skirts! I’m a girl!” maybe the child is transgender. [5] X Research Sources
- Be aware of behavioral problems, depression, and mental health. Children who are forced to play gender roles contrary to their gender identity can be very angry and rebellious. They can also harbor negative feelings, leading to emotional problems for years to come. Fortunately, the transgender solution will usually solve most of this problem.
Eric A. Samuels, PsyD
Clinical psychologist
Dr. Eric A. Samuels is a clinical psychologist practicing privately in San Francisco and Oakland, California. He received his doctorate in clinical psychology from the Wright Institute in 2016 and is a member of the American Psychological Association and Gaylesta – Association of Psychotherapists on Gender and Sexual Diversity. Eric specializes in working with men, young people, and people of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities.
Eric A. Samuels, PsyD
Clinical psychologist
Clinical psychologist
Our experts say: A telltale sign of transgender children can also be when they express extreme displeasure with their peers – or society -‘s expectations of their gender expression. For example, if you have a child identified at birth as female, but they are uncomfortable wearing skirts, then the child may be transgender. Your child may also ask you to call him by another name.
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Listen to children identify their own gender. Your child can use words to express himself. If they have a strong sense of their own gender, they may say things like “I know I’m a boy!”, even if they were born female. [6] X Research Sources
- Children may also say things like “No, I’m a girl!” even if the child is born with a male biological sex.
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Understand that sex develops very early. Sex usually develops by the time a child is three years old, but some children develop it as early as two or 18 months of age. [7] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source[8] X Research Source
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Pay attention to continuity. If your child only asks to be called “Dung” on a weekend, that’s not necessarily a sign of a transgender child. Young children also often go through periods of pretending to be the other gender. However, if your child repeatedly claims to be of the opposite sex, it could be a sign that he or she is transgender. [9] X Research Source
- A child who frequently asserts his or her gender is most likely transgender. Transgender solutions can help children develop social interaction, focus at school, and provide a sense of well-being, and can help reduce behavioral problems. [10] X Research Source
- Some children go through a very long period of gender recognition at a very young age. This stage usually ends when the child is 9-10 years old.
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Note that some children may not understand their gender before puberty or later. Your child may not question their gender identity until they are a little older. Puberty is often the time when children begin to wonder about their gender. Changes in the body and hormones can make a child more aware of his body and how he feels about it. [11] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source
- Puberty and the years that follow are often a time when children begin to explore and explore. Listen to your child if he or she says they feel they are of the opposite sex.
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Do the experiment, if the child wants to. It can be helpful to give children the freedom to explore their own gender identity. If your child thinks they are transgender, set aside a weekend or a few days to allow them to “become” the opposite sex for a while. For example, you could call your child “Hong Nhung” and have her wear a skirt. [12] X Research Source
- Allow the child to be active in the experiment. Don’t force your child to try something he doesn’t want to do, such as calling him by a different name.
- Observe the child throughout the experiment. Are children happier and more confident? Are children happier? That way you’ll know if this will make your child happy.
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Allow children to explore their gender identity with a therapist or counselor. Your child may not be completely comfortable discussing this with you, or you may feel you are not capable of giving him the full support he needs. Try finding a counselor or therapist to help. [13] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source
- Find a professional with experience working with transgender children.
Understanding transgender people
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Understand the meaning of the term “transgender”. Experts are still debating the meaning of the word, and the term has also changed a lot in recent years. However, there is general agreement that a transgender person is a person whose gender perception or behavior is different from the usual cultural norms that define his or her gender at birth. [14] X Research Source
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Understand what makes a child transgender. Being transgender is not your child’s choice and has nothing to do with your parenting. Parents often lament, “What did I do to make this happen?” The answer is “nothing”. Transgender children are often born like that. [15] X Research Source
- Know that being transgender is not “unusual.” It is very common for a transgender child to be born. If your child falls into this category, it is essential that you support them. Don’t get stuck wondering what is “normal.”
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Note that some people take longer to recognize and express their gender than others. Some children boldly declare their true gender as young as three, others take longer to realize that they are trying to live up to their true gender. The following are some factors that can delay gender disclosure: [16] X Research Source
- Lack of understanding
- Fear of rejection
- Witness the stigma of society
- Tried to express myself but was teased or scolded
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Find reliable sources of information. Don’t listen to myths or rumors, spend time researching about transgender people. Look for resources like the PFLAG website or the Family Acceptance Project. [17] X Research Source
- You can also go to your local library and ask the librarian to recommend some good books about transgender people.
- Read transgender stories. Stories told by transgender people themselves can help you understand what it’s like to be transgender.
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Differentiate between transient transgender people and actual transgender people. If your child is constantly asserting his or her gender, chances are it’s not just one phase. [18] X Research Source[19] X Research Source
- If your child thinks this is temporary, talk to them before taking action. A child who says it’s “just temporary” may be lying because of abuse or fear of not being loved as before if he identifies as transgender. You need to let your child know that even if he or she is transgender, you still love him or her, and that he is serious about it.
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Talk to a medical professional. When you have questions about transgender people, talk to the doctor who regularly sees children. If you are concerned about the psychological impact, consult a therapist. Remember, this is also a confusing time for parents. You may want to consider seeking outside help by seeing a counselor to help you support your child in discovering his or her gender identity. [20] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source
- Professionals are usually very cautious and will not push children to do things they are not ready for. [21] X Source Remember that just because you’re not ready doesn’t mean your child isn’t ready or hurt in the meantime.
Help children feel comfortable
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Follow the child’s lead. If you listen, your child will tell you what he wants. This will help you distinguish between a child who declares “I am a girl!” and a boy who simply likes to wear skirts.
- Transgender (or not) solutions should be based on the child’s needs and happiness rather than your own thoughts. Don’t stop your child from living his or her gender identity just because you’re uncomfortable, and don’t force a gender-nonconforming child to be transgender if he or she doesn’t seem to like it. [22] X Research Source
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Know that your support will make a big difference to your child’s future. Transgender children with family support are less likely to commit suicide, run away from home or face mental health problems. [23] X Research Resources An empathetic family is also a resource to help children cope with issues such as bullying and stigma, reducing the risk of harm to their mental health. [24] X Research Sources By accepting and supporting your child’s gender identity, you can protect your child from problems that can plague transgender people.
- Studies have shown that transgender children who have gone through the transition have rates of depression on par with their peers whose gender identity matches their gender identity, and anxiety rates only slightly higher. little. [25] X Research Sources
- In contrast, transgender children who did not undergo a sex change had a very high rate of mental health problems. [26] X Research Sources
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Be a source of support for your child. If you see your child exhibiting changes in gender perception, try not to react negatively. Don’t criticize or dismiss and say you don’t want to hear what your child has to say. Instead, allow your child to explore their own gender identity by experimenting with new activities or dressing up. If you have concerns, you should talk to your partner or your child’s doctor. Don’t talk to your child about your concerns. [27] X Research Source
- Love your child for who he really is. Your child may be going through a difficult time. You need to let them know that you love them unconditionally.
- You could say, “I know you’re having some changes. But no matter what happens, I still love you.” [28] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source
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Stand up to protect children. If your child doesn’t follow normal gender norms, he or she may be teased or even bullied. For example, other children may mock your daughter when she likes to dress up as a boy. Please help your child solve the problem. Let the other children know that you will tell the teacher or their parents. [29] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source
- If you hear someone make negative comments about transgender people, you can say, “Comments like that are not true. Everyone please stop saying that.”
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Supporting transgender children socially. Being socially transgender means that a child can live as someone of the gender he or she chooses. Try to support your child’s decisions. If your child wants to dress differently, allow them to do so. If your child likes to be called by a different name, you should let him choose. [30] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source
- Know that transitioning socially can be reversed if your child changes his mind. If this is only temporary for a period of time, the child can go back to the same hairstyle and wardrobe. Your child will also remember that he has you by his side in times of trouble, and this means a lot to him.
- Don’t panic when your child transitions back to society. It’s hard for some parents to adjust at first, but keep in mind that this is very important for your child, and the process can be reversed if he doesn’t end up happy. [31] X Research Source
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Pay attention to signs of depression or anxiety. Transgender children can feel very stressed, bullied, stigmatized and lack the sympathy of the community, even family members. This can have a bad effect on the child. All children who do not conform to gender norms are at higher risk for mental health problems. If you notice signs that something is wrong, take your child to a mental health professional. Watch for the following signs in your child: [32] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to source
- Sleeping too much
- Weight loss or sudden weight gain
- Lack of interest in activities that were previously enjoyed by the child.
- Visible mood swings
Eric A. Samuels, PsyD
Clinical psychologist
Dr. Eric A. Samuels is a clinical psychologist practicing privately in San Francisco and Oakland, California. He received his doctorate in clinical psychology from the Wright Institute in 2016 and is a member of the American Psychological Association and Gaylesta – Association of Psychotherapists on Gender and Sexual Diversity. Eric specializes in working with men, young people, and people of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities.
Eric A. Samuels, PsyD
Clinical psychologist
Clinical psychologist
Our experts say: People who are not comfortable with their gender identity, especially children, will often show a lot of signs of depression and anxiety. These can include social isolation, not having much energy, difficulty concentrating, lack of motivation, trouble sleeping, or changes in appetite. It also manifests in mood swings, irritability, and other physical symptoms such as headache, abdominal pain, constipation, diarrhea or the like.
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Learn medical options if your child is transgender. Your child may want to take steps to get more comfortable in his body. Medical solutions are meant to support the child, not to “cure”. Talk to your doctor about whether these options are right for your child. [33] X Trusted Source HealthyChildren.org Go to Source
- For younger children, puberty blockers can help prevent trauma when a child is going through a rough patch of puberty. This drug only delays puberty and is completely reversible. [34] X Research Source This is the “neutral option,” and may help reduce the risk of mental health problems. [35] X Research Source
- As children get older or mature, they can begin to receive hormone therapy to go through puberty in their own right.
- As an adult, your child may choose to have gender reassignment surgery. Some people need surgery, others are fine without surgery.
Advice
- Know that many children go through this too.
- Always understand and support children. If you need help, see a therapist.
- When your child identifies as transgender, don’t tell her it’s temporary or don’t let her identify the gender she wants.
- Love and support your child. Don’t let the fact that your child is transgender changes your feelings and support for your child.
- You should also explore and discuss other gender identities. If you’re not a bisexual, your child may be a non-binary, so it’s a good idea to seek out information about the “third gender”. If your child has episodic episodes, it is likely that he or she is a sex offender or belongs to one of several types of this group and should not be limited to a single name. It is important that you know everything to support and advise your child when he is confused.
Warning
- Avoid “transformation” or “compensatory” therapies to change a child’s gender identity. These therapies can harm a child’s mental health and put them at risk of suicide. [36] X Research Source
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This article was co-written by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Deb Schneider is a clinical social worker at a private enterprise in Oakland, CA and a manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces that respect the identities of disadvantaged communities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and women’s studies from Clark University and a master’s degree in social work with a medical major from the University of California’s Berkeley School of Social Welfare.
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If your child doesn’t conform to the usual gender norms, you may be wondering if he or she is transgender. Listen to your child express his or her own gender identity and pay attention to trends that are not gender-conforming. However, you should be careful and don’t overthink it, because many gender norms are actually biased. For example, a boy who likes to play with dolls is not necessarily transgender. In all cases, you should help children explore their feelings and gender identity. If your child is transgender, you should show love, support, and be ready to support the child.
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