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This article was co-written by Catherine Boswell, PhD. Catherine Boswell is a psychologist and co-founder of Psynergy Psychpogical Associates, a private therapy facility in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups of patients, couples and families with trauma, relationship problems, and trauma. in life. She holds a doctorate in counseling psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell teaches master’s degree students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,487 times.
Passive-aggression is a type of behavior that deals with conflict but doesn’t actually resolve it, and can further damage relationships. People with passive-aggressive behavior often behave in a way that is initially consensual, but then behaves differently. You may hear people describe passive-aggressive people as “two-faced”. [1] X Source of Research These people suppress feelings such as disagreement, anger, frustration, or pain without expressing it to the person who caused the hurt (the “passive” part), then act on it. acting in an “aggressive” manner to undermine, undermine the relationship, or hurt the other person in retaliation. Do you suspect you are dealing with passive-aggressive behavior? Then learn to recognize this behavior to solve problems in your personal relationships.
Steps
Identify passive-aggressive behavior
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Pay attention to attempts to make you angry. Passive-aggressive people like to make others angry and lose their temper, while remaining calm and acting as if they did nothing wrong. If you feel like someone is trying to irritate you but is friendly and calm, you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive person. [2] X Research Source
- For example, maybe you notice your roommate often uses your makeup, even after you’ve asked her not to. If you react to this and she responds with silence, it’s probably passive-aggressive behavior. Maybe she pretends she doesn’t know that you’re upset about it, even seems pleased that she pissed you off.
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Identify “slanderous compliments”. Passive-aggressive people may offer compliments with sarcastic implications. It’s actually insults disguised as compliments. The person who received the “scorn” may not even realize the insult, but the person giving the compliment feels satisfied by their actions. [3] X Research Sources
- For example, a passive-aggressive person might compliment a rival colleague who has just been promoted with something like, “Congratulations! So that’s good. After so many years of trying, I finally got a promotion.” This compliment implies that the person being praised is not very successful because it took so long to get there.
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Think about times when they broke a promise or broke a commitment. Passive-aggressive people often make promises, but then backfire as a form of retaliation. Some passive-aggressive people intentionally break commitments to let others down. [4] X Research Sources
- For example, your friend agreed to help you with some housework, but that morning texted her that she was unwell and could not come to help you. If this happens once or twice, that’s understandable, but if the friend is always making excuses not to help, she’s probably being passive-aggressive.
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Consider sulking, cowering, and silence. Passive-aggressive people also have the trait of refusing to say things that upset them – it’s okay to say it on the outside, but it’s really hot on the inside. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, your passive-aggressive friend insists, “I’m not angry!” but it’s clear that she shows her attitude by staying silent during disagreements, or not taking your phone calls or responding to your texts. [6] X Research Source
- However, some people have difficulty expressing their feelings but are not necessarily passive-aggressive. The passive-aggressive person is actually angry or withdrawn along with other features of passive-aggressive behavior, especially the tendency to then suddenly explode into anger or subvert relationships. generation.
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Notice how the person behaves with others. In a new relationship, even an extremely passive-aggressive person may be restrained in how he treats you at first. However, you can also spot signs that the person has healthy behaviors or tends to be passive-aggressive by observing how they treat other people, like exes or strangers. above like their parents or boss. [7] X Research Sources
- Does the person often talk badly about others behind their backs without ever telling them directly about the things that upset them? Does she usually go along with people but then let them down? Does she show no affection, care, or use her children as a bargaining chip (for example, in relation to her ex-husband or her parents)? These are the characteristics of the passive-aggressive personality.
- Don’t forget that even though the person doesn’t treat you badly, once the relationship becomes closer, it is very likely that you will also be treated the same way they treat other people.
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Watch out for sarcasm. Many people use sarcasm to make them laugh, but some people constantly use sarcasm to hide the fact that they are not able to clearly express their true feelings. [8] X Research Sources
- Remember that the passive-aggressive is characterized by not being able to express how he feels in the present moment, so he keeps his frustration or anger inside and processes it later. Frustration or anger can be fleetingly expressed by sarcasm, especially bitter and malicious sarcasm. [9] X Research Source
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Find patterns. Almost everyone, even sane people, may at one time or another engage in behaviors that resemble passive-aggressive behaviors such as sarcasm, breaking promises, making excuses, avoiding and thank you.
- But the problem with the passive-aggressor is that such behaviors cripple or damage relationships by their repetitive nature. [10] X Research Source
Confront passive-aggressive people
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Be frank. You should speak to the person directly but without being harsh or aggressive, letting them know how their behavior has affected you. [11] X Research Source Try to focus on yourself and how you feel instead of focusing on the person. For example, instead of saying, “You ruined our project,” try saying, “I don’t think our project went very well, and I want us to do better next time.” [12] X Research Source
- If you tell the person that their behavior is hurting you, they will almost certainly deny it all (don’t forget that passive-aggressive people don’t like talking about how they feel – they certainly don’t. mentioned it!). Stick to the facts and give evidence, but also be prepared that the person will protest and deny. [13] X Research Source
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Try to understand. Passive-aggressive people may mask feelings of inferiority or childhood problems that make it difficult for them to express their feelings effectively. [14] X Research Source
- If the person is willing to open up a little, and you’re willing to be understanding and non-judgmental, talking can help you understand what’s causing their passive-aggressive behavior. [15] X Research Source
- Ask them about their childhood, youth, previous relationships (especially those with unhappy endings), or life situations that may have caused their brains to overreact. . Remember that passive-aggressive behavior is often a coping tactic by people who have had negative experiences that left them feeling weak and helpless. [16] X Research Source
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Decide if the relationship is worth keeping. Based on the person’s reaction when you question their passive-aggressive behavior, you can see if there’s an opportunity to save the relationship, or if the person is unlikely to ever change. . [17] X Research Source
- Sometimes avoidance is the only tactic not to fall victim to passive-aggressive behavior. But if the person is willing to admit it and make amends, there are many ways to improve your relationship through effective communication tactics.
Communicating in passive-aggressive relationships
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Build trust . In a relationship, each party needs trust to communicate more effectively without resorting to passive-aggressive behavior.
- Trust the relationship itself: To be able to safely express your true feelings when hurt, offended, or angry, you need to have faith that no matter what you say or do, accepted and loved. Building trust in a relationship is a process that takes time and can only be achieved when both parties are consistently trustworthy and stand by each other no matter what. [18] X Research Sources
- Believe in that person. To speak their mind, passive-aggressive people must feel that they are valued, that their opinions and feelings deserve to be heard. In particular, your partner needs to build confidence in order to develop feelings for you or succeed in other relationships. Read this helpful wikiHow article for tips on how to build confidence.
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Learn to recognize your own feelings . This step is especially important for both people in a passive-aggressive relationship. Many times passive-aggressive people fail to recognize and properly identify how they are feeling in the present moment, then they reflect on the situation and realize that they feel uncomfortable, hurt, etc.
- Learn about how your body expresses anger, sadness, irritability, or other feelings. When experiencing an emotional response, note your body’s symptoms: Is your heart racing, palms sweaty, chest tightening? Are you unable to think clearly? Are you unable to find the words to express your thoughts? Then, review the situation and try to determine how you felt at the time. Understanding your physical sensations and relating those sensations to emotional responses will help you identify how you feel next time. [19] X Research Source
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Establish new communication rules. If the relationship has been damaged because of past behaviors such as passive aggression, it is clear that the old rules, explicitly stated or not, have not worked. It is essential to have a frank discussion of the new rules so that everyone knows what is desired in the relationship.
- Show respect. Maintain rules about how to act maturely and rationally in the event of a disagreement, including no slamming doors, no swearing, no sarcasm, no insults or threats, or anything else. related to respect. [20] X Research Source
- Make space for each other. Understand that it takes time for some people to cool down after an argument before discussing the matter rationally and arriving at a solution that is satisfying for both parties.
- Speak out your thoughts. It’s important not to be “passive” and avoid talking about how you’re feeling, while people with passive-aggressive tendencies also have difficulty expressing their feelings. [21] X Research Sources Instead, devise strategies to help both sides talk about how they feel and what they want without worrying about possible negative consequences. An effective tactic is for both parties to write down their feelings. This can help reduce stress during anger.
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Don’t become a nurturer. Many people who are attracted to friends or lovers tend to be passive-aggressive with the desire to “fix” the person or because the person’s unhealthy behavior provides a sense of familiarity and security (eg. For example, if you grew up with a passive-aggressive nurturer, you’ll probably find a partner or friend who also has this tendency). [22] X Research Source
- You may be helping to reinforce that person’s passive-aggressive behavior if you foster them, justify their bad behavior or broken promises, and “rescue” them each time. do wrong. [23] X Research Sources
- You can also facilitate that behavior if you accept to be the victim, you don’t point out the behavior and let them abuse you. This implies to the other person that you will not react to bad behavior. [24] X Research Source
- You may also be encouraging passive-aggressive behavior if you punish the person for speaking their mind. Do you sulk or get angry if your friend says they don’t want to hang out? Such behavior will cause the person to find excuses to back away for fear of your anger. Likewise, if you don’t talk about how you both feel in the relationship, your partner will have a hard time opening up to you and will just keep their anger inside.
Warning
- Passive aggressive behavior can turn into emotional abuse. The warning signs are that the person humiliates, humiliates and demeans you; the person tries to control you or embarrass you; the person accuses you of things you didn’t do or blames you for their problems; the person doesn’t care how you feel; or the person doesn’t allow you to have your own boundaries. [25] X Research Sources
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This article was co-written by Catherine Boswell, PhD. Catherine Boswell is a psychologist and co-founder of Psynergy Psychpogical Associates, a private therapy facility in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups of patients, couples and families with trauma, relationship problems, and trauma. in life. She holds a doctorate in counseling psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell teaches master’s degree students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 4,487 times.
Passive-aggression is a type of behavior that deals with conflict but doesn’t actually resolve it, and can further damage relationships. People with passive-aggressive behavior often behave in a way that is initially consensual, but then behaves differently. You may hear people describe passive-aggressive people as “two-faced”. [1] X Source of Research These people suppress feelings such as disagreement, anger, frustration, or pain without expressing it to the person who caused the hurt (the “passive” part), then act on it. acting in an “aggressive” manner to undermine, undermine the relationship, or hurt the other person in retaliation. Do you suspect you are dealing with passive-aggressive behavior? Then learn to recognize this behavior to solve problems in your personal relationships.
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