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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
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To spot a controlling person, start by observing their behavior. Notice their mood swings and reactions to simple questions. Watch how they react when you say “no” or when you want to be yourself or do your own thing. Observe how they interact with others, especially in groups of friends. Be wary of abuses of power, especially when interests are shared.
Steps
Check their behavior
- The person who likes to control can be a man, a woman, or simply anyone. Controlling relationships can be love or casual relationships. You should also be wary of a friend who is jealous and hates your lover, especially if that person is not happy with their current relationship.
- A person with a strong personality is not necessarily a control freak. You can check the following: “Do they allow you to be yourself, or do they unduly influence your behavior?”
- Distinguish someone who has clear boundaries from someone who likes to control by testing their reactions to other topics. If a person is always angry when touched without warning, but does not react in an imposing manner when you change your hairstyle, gain or lose weight… That person has clear boundaries. Others’ private choices about changing religion, eating, dressing, or exercising are also a matter of boundaries. Whether you think you’re right and they’re wrong, someone who is sensitive to these topics often has clear boundaries about what they want to do with their life, and how you treat them and others. Only when they start telling you who you have to be, what to wear, how to feel, and how to behave, are they controlling people.
- Don’t feel bad when you find yourself controlling others sometimes, especially if your parents were like that. On a deeper level, you will feel normal to the environment you grew up in, and it will take a while to stop treating others the way you were raised by your parents. This is an important part of changing your own behavior. If you notice it in time, step back and apologize to the person you crossed the line. This can protect friendships and other relationships in life.
- Mood swings often sulk or create a gloomy atmosphere in the middle of a happy moment.
- They always show displeasure when people don’t pay enough attention to them and their needs. This is a way of manipulative control that is very difficult to refuse because the person will say they are hurt/sad/hurt…with the aim of making the other person feel sorry.
- With their mood swings, people who have a temper tantrum will make you very uncomfortable because you “never” know where you are with them. Unfortunately, because of their inability to handle anger, they will take it out on you in the form of physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. Never try to put up with someone who is harming you. They hurt “no” is not your fault. Sadly, it’s possible that someone in the past treated them this way and now they’re repeating the same cycle.
- As noted above, a controlling person thinks you can read their mind. If you ask about mundane things like: what to do together, where to go, what they want… They are easily annoyed because they expect you to understand all of their needs and prioritize them over their needs. your. When you ask, it means that they have to make a decision, while they think that every decision is already available to them and must be convenient for them.
- Controlling people often assume they know what you’re thinking, even when it’s not. They may be confused when the image they default to you is different from what you say. [6] X Research Sources
- Questions can be uncomfortable for people who like to be in control because they want to be in control of the situation and no one else.
- However, the question can also lead the controlling person to think that the person asking the question is in need of guidance and direction because they do not know the answer. This situation can only get worse because the controlling person will find a way to make you guess at his or her decision-making abilities.
- Example: Chi is someone who always helps Mai feel good about herself and Mai likes to control Chi. Therefore, Mai often tells Chi that Chi is a good friend, but she never considers Chi a close friend even though Chi always considers Mai as her best friend. Thanks to that, Mai has no responsibility but can control Chi.
- Controlling people can put you down or make you feel stupid so you think you need them. Example: Van told his girlfriend that she was overweight and would never find another boyfriend. He said she was lucky to have him. This is abusive and controlling behavior, and you don’t have to put up with it.
- Controlling people are often petty or critical of others as a way to promote themselves and appear superior. In fact, identifying a controlling person is easy if you pay attention to their monologues about how evil, stupid, ridiculous, annoying, etc. others are (as if they weren’t at all). so).
- A common type of control that occurs in love is sexual pressure. [10] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source If your partner forces you to have sex when you don’t want to, they’re trying to control your behavior to get what they want. You always have the right to refuse.
- Does the person ignore or disregard your experience or expression of feelings? Controlling people are “always trying to define your reality”. If you say you’re tired, the person will say it’s not, which is a sign that they’re a control freak. If you tell them you’re upset and they ignore you, they may also be a controlling person.
- How often do you find yourself always looking to change plans for that person? Let’s say you’ve planned your day, and then you get a call from a friend and you tell them about your plans. This friend will want to join your plans and say they don’t fit their time, or that it’s not where they want to be. Soon, your plans will change completely. You’re going to go see a movie you don’t like, at a time that you don’t see fit.
- Most control freaks say things like “You’re the problem” or “You’re the problem”. It’s not their fault at all.
- Controlling people often have trouble solving problems objectively and will manipulate the conversation to “blame the other person” when their fault is pointed out. At that point, end the argument and don’t let the person blame you or your credit.
- If you really love this person, their “crucified” view of you will be harder to identify and deal with, as your love will make it easier for you to forgive them.
Observe their interactions
- Their ultimate goal is to isolate you from others so that they can control you with the reality they fabricated. Always be alert, any act of separating or lowering your friends is a red flag. [14] X Research Source
- Controlling people are often jealous for no reason. This is more than just not liking people glancing at you. Controlling people will act like you own them and they have the power to decide who you hang out with, what to do, where to go, and when to get home. [15] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source This is by no means endearing nor is it a sign of infatuation: this is control.
- Relationships and friendships cannot form with a controlling person. They are interactions based on give and take from both sides and always aim for balance.
- Be suspicious of any excessive generosity from a controlling person in order to impress and manipulate you. By being willing to give you things that make you feel good, they will make you feel like you owe them, even in the long run. They will then use this constraint to control you. [18] X Research Sources
Free yourself from the controlling person
- The stronger you are, the harder it is for that person to control you. This is like a test of their ego. In other words, this can be taken as a compliment to you. You really are a strong and caring person, and that person is targeting you because they admire your qualities but don’t have the courage to be like that.
- Don’t be afraid to turn to trusted people for emotional support. This will help you gain a healthier outlook on life and make you want to find your independence and self-control when you leave the person. Don’t explain to that person your need for change. It will only incite them to control you more because they know what you are up to and their manipulation will soon be exposed. Let’s keep changing.
- Always be consistent and say it out loud and clear, like “I won’t accept you controlling my internet usage anymore. If we’re going to be together, you have to respect my privacy.”
- Don’t be surprised by bad reactions when you try to get out of their control. When they realize they are about to lose control, they can develop physical problems that are psychologically rooted: back pain, stomach pain, headache, crying, fainting… This is just one way. to gain control by attracting the attention, empathy, and concern of others. By all means, get them checked out if you’re really interested (a good way to spot their neurotic tendencies), however, don’t just be with them to do what they want.
- Controlling people are often highly manipulative, regardless of their reasons for wanting to control others. They won’t like it when you get up to do things that are important to you. Stay calm in conflicting arguments and don’t get angry. However, they may get angry because you are challenging their control. End the conversation immediately – if they start to show anger – either by walking away, or by saying goodbye and hanging up.
- If someone you’ve just met has become close or spoofed your personal information, be suspicious of them. It could be someone who likes to be in control.
- Brief communication.
- Avoid confusing and combining individuals’ interests and choices or unreasonably encouraging their control over you. That person wants to find a way to steer your decisions away from their own desires in terms of education, lifestyle, career goals… When they don’t accept and respect your point of view – unless you agree love them – then they are denying you for who you are. Turn the tide by saying: you appreciate their opinion, but that’s what you want. Then you can continue pursuing your goals.
- When you have reasonable compassion, you will care for the person but still realize that their behavior was wrong, and you cannot forgive that. You don’t support their behavior or allow it to continue in your life. [26] X Research Source For example, if your friend is trying to control who you hang out with, tell her: “I appreciate you but I can’t be friends with someone who won’t let me play with anyone else. If you can be more comfortable and open with me, we can still be friends. If you continue like this, our friendship will be over.”
- This is not something you can learn right away, and you will fail many times in the process. However, you will also learn with practice, and the more you practice, the freer you will feel. You will also learn how to leave others alone without trying to save or change them. While it’s not easy, it’s easier than being an emotional slave to someone else for the rest of your life.
Advice
- If you’re a strong person, you’ll feel a bit weird because you almost never do the right thing around that person, especially when it comes to topics that the person feels confident about or knows well. Listen to these feelings, they appear to help you. Otherwise, for a while, you will be just a shadow of the person you intended to be. Don’t let that happen.
- Don’t let the person pressure you or make you powerless. No matter if you have a difficult time financially or life in general after leaving that person, your QUALITY of life will be worth the cost.
- Don’t let the person know about your unusual experiences or secret thoughts, they may use them against or control you. Those thoughts will often be used to isolate you, causing others to no longer love or trust you. Whether they say such things to your face or behind your back, they may be trying to corner you – to pull your strings like a puppet – to be your only “friend” (“teacher”). .
- Remember that you can’t control other people, but you can control how you react to them. Make sure to handle things the way you trust, but don’t treat them the way they treat you to make them understand or to retaliate. This will lead you nowhere.
- If you’re isolated or forced to spend time with each of “their” friends and family, it shows that they don’t respect your feelings and wishes.
- A controlling and powerful person may use others to control you. They may force others to ask how you feel about them. You will feel something is not right. Don’t get drawn into overly detailed conversations with third parties if you suspect they’re doing it on purpose, always be general and general.
- Dependent people will attract co-dependents. If you have a disability, or have financial problems, or have other serious problems, chances are you will be dependent on controlling people for survival needs. It can be difficult to get rid of them when they are responsible for your benefits or medications. Record everything and find similar services or healthier people. In some places, the government or some organizations may intervene when social workers, health workers or maids have controlling and limiting behaviors in your life.
- Disability should be considered. Some people with disabilities may always change their plans or be unable to keep up with the things you want to do. If they turn down a lot of things and offer to do things you don’t like, find out why. Test this friendship by bringing up issues that are personal to you, such as hair, clothes, or anything that has nothing to do with them. Since many people are allergic to many scents and perfumes, if someone tells you not to use a certain shampoo, or not to wear perfume when visiting their house, it’s a matter of boundaries. However, if they say you MUST use the scent they want, this is a matter of control.
Warning
- Set clear boundaries about what you accept and disapprove of when dealing with a controlling person. They will break boundaries to test you. Stay steadfast and don’t back down.
- If you find yourself replacing your interests with theirs, or giving up certain habits and friends, you are in for a controlling relationship.
- Watch out for people who flirt with your feelings so you trust them from the very beginning of your friendship. For example, they might say: they had a hard life because of being bullied 6 years ago, and they can only count on you — and at the same time, force you to talk about difficult experiences. mine. After finding out the hurt that other people caused you, they will constantly bring them out: “How does it feel to be betrayed? Don’t you think you did something wrong to get this?” They’ll be honest and kind at first, but then they’ll bring those things up and use them to put you down, until you agree with them. This is a kind of wits, making you think of yourself the way they want you to. You’ll often find yourself sad, angry, and inferior every time you talk to them, and they’ll convince you to do things they know you don’t like. You can tell the difference between this and healthy sharing. Often, after sharing painful experiences with each other, people feel better and more understood. When it doesn’t feel like that, be careful because the person may be playing a game of wits with you.
This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 42,739 times.
To spot a controlling person, start by observing their behavior. Notice their mood swings and reactions to simple questions. Watch how they react when you say “no” or when you want to be yourself or do your own thing. Observe how they interact with others, especially in groups of friends. Be wary of abuses of power, especially when interests are shared.
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