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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
There are 14 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 38,692 times.
A true friendship is like a cherry on a glass of ice cream: it makes our lives sweeter. However, a fake friend can drain your energy, leaving you depressed and exhausted every time you see them. If you suspect a fake friend in your circle of friends, find out who that person is by observing their behavior and communication habits. Then, try to keep your distance from them to make room for true friendships that bring you happiness in life.
Steps
Observe the person’s behavior
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Ask yourself if that friend always lets you down. Fake friends can often lie, break promises, or disappear just when you need them most. Look back at this friendship over the past several weeks or months. Do you often feel down by their actions? If that’s the case, you’re probably dealing with a fake friend. [1] X Research Source
- If that person has let you down again and again, you will have to determine which option is best – lower your expectations of this friendship or end the friendship with them.
Klare Heston, LCSW
Medical social worker
Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
Klare Heston, LCSW
Medical social worker
Medical social worker
It is equally important to get to know your true friends. As Clare Heston, a social worker, explains, “A true friend is someone who is with you both in good and bad times. They always accept you, encourage you and trust you. They will give you honest feedback but also respect your decision. They also have to accept your other friends and loved ones.”
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Pay attention to behavior that always puts yourself first. Reflect on how you felt while and after being with this friend. Do you often feel overlooked or ignored because they want to dominate you in every conversation or decision? If that’s the case, then this friend doesn’t think about your interests in his heart. [2] X Research Source
- You should have felt happier after seeing your friends, not feeling exhausted, tired or sad.
- If that friend can’t seem to care about anyone but themselves, they probably just need an audience, not a friend.
- Be aware, however, that your friend may just need time to mature. Who knows, they will be receptive to gentle, constructive suggestions. For example, try saying, “Sometimes I get bored when we hang out because you only talk about yourself. I feel like you don’t want to listen to me.”
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Notice the indifferent attitude. Enthusiasm and sympathy are at the core of true friendship. If that person often has a cold and indifferent attitude towards you, you may need to rethink this friendship. [3] X Research Sources
- For example, they may quarrel with you and are always waiting for you to apologize. Obviously this is not an equal and healthy friendship.
- That person can also leave you when you need them most, such as when you just broke up with your lover and they still happily party and leave you alone.
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Notice if they support you and think of your interests. Does your friend care about who you are? If so, they should come see your band perform and ask how your cheerleading audition was going. They must also remember your birthdays and important events. [4] X Research Sources
- If that person belittles or laughs at the things you love – or never shows up to events that you value – then it’s clear that they’re not supporting you.
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Do you think this friend will accept your flaws, or do they always bring your flaws to the fore? Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. A good friend will be willing to give you time to relax and not repeat your mistakes over and over. If your conversation with this person is just an endless loop around your flaws and mistakes, perhaps you need to keep your distance from them. [5] X Research Sources
- It’s hard to expect to be forgiven easily if we’ve hurt someone. However, good friends should not torment each other forever. Otherwise, you will feel uncomfortable around them.
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Think about how often that person makes you feel guilty. Real friends have to understand that sometimes you are too busy and don’t have time for them. As such, if that person tries to make you feel guilty when you deny them something or don’t go out, it’s hard to say that’s a real friend. [6] X Research Sources
- Everyone is busy at times, so you don’t have to worry when you can’t be available all the time.
- Be especially careful if the friend is always asking you to be there when they need you, but they don’t respond to you in the same way.
Identify communication problems
Notice if they are uncomfortable talking to you. This includes small gestures in fake friends.
- When friends talk about you, they may feel unnatural in front of you.
- Notice if they move, twist their hair, or sweat their hands around you. Not all of these signs mean they’re fake; Maybe it’s just their habit. If your friend has a habit of biting their nails, that’s not a sign they’re faking it.
- If they seem nervous or don’t look you straight in the eye, they may be feeling guilty about something.
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Notice if the friend listens to you or just demands the opposite. Active listening is an important factor in building strong relationships. If you’re always trying to listen to that friend but they just don’t respond to you, then they’re probably not a true friend. [7] X Research Sources
- Pay attention when you talk to the person: do they constantly interrupt you? Are they not interested in what you have to say and move on to another topic?
- Let’s say you reach out to your friend to talk about something very important to you. A fake friend probably won’t want to hear the news from you – they’re just busy talking about themselves.
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Set boundaries and notice if they are respectful. To test someone’s sincerity, set some limits on how they react. A true friend will gladly accept and respect your personal boundaries. [8] X Research Sources
- For example, you could say, “Hey man, I won’t be able to go out every Thursday from now on. I have to spend more time studying chemistry.” Or “Can we stop talking about sex? I don’t like talking about it.”
- If the friend continues to cross the line or refuses to understand, they are probably not good friends.
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Detect signs of envy or jealousy. There are friends who are still good friends when everyone is in relatively equal circumstances. However, the moment you excel in some aspect, this friend immediately opens his claws. If they get cranky, make fun of you, or get annoyed when they see you succeed, then you won’t be able to call them friends. [9] X Research Source
- A very obvious clue is to notice if they gossip about you. This could be a sign that they are jealous of you.
- Someone who whispers to you about another person may also speak ill of you. A good friend often talks about the good side instead of the bad side of the other person. Don’t gossip with them.
- You can recognize jealousy when you feel that they are always competing with you, never encouraging you, and you must always include them in all your activities so that they do not feel left out.
- A jealous friend may be possessive when you spend time with others. A good friend will never separate you from other friends or your loved ones.
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Identify passive-aggressive behaviors. Do they agree to help you with something but never do it? Have you ever felt like they were secretly sabotaging you? If that’s a picture of your friend, then this person may have passive-aggressive tendencies, a habit that really damages true friendships. [10] X Research Source
- You can’t change someone else’s tendency to be passive-aggressive, so don’t even think about it. Instead, you should try to stay away from such fake friends, and if you must communicate with them, speak in an assertive voice.
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Note if your secrets are not understood why are revealed. Think back to how often your secrets come out. If so, don’t you have a fake friend? [11] X Research Source
- You can even test your friend’s trustworthiness by telling them a little “secret” and telling them to keep it a secret. If you see this being discussed somewhere, then you know exactly who leaked it.
- Also, if this friend often tells you bad stories about their other “friends,” chances are you’re being gossiped about behind their back, too.
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Think about how often they talk to you. Does this friend keep in touch with you on a regular basis? This can vary from relationship to relationship, but in general good friends stay in touch. Besides, friends call each other to ask about each other, not just to ask for help. [12] X Research Source
- If this person only calls you every time they need to ask you to do something, they are probably not a true friend.
Build true friendship
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Reassess friendships with fake friends. Ask yourself if you want to continue playing with a fake friend. Think back on how you feel around that friend, whether they bring anything good into your life. If not, it’s probably best to let this person out of your life. [13] X Research Source
- You can also consult people you really trust. Ask a parent, sibling, or close friend if you should break up with a fake friend.
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Talk to that friend. Tell that fake friend about what you notice in their behavior, remembering to let them know how their actions affect you. Then you can decide based on their reaction. [14] X Research Source
- For example, if your friend seems to know the error and is trying to change, you can give them a chance. On the contrary, if they deny or show a careless attitude, perhaps this friendship should come to an end.
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Lower your expectations of friendship so you don’t get hurt. To avoid wasting too much time and energy on fake friendships, adjust your expectations for certain people. By lowering the standards of certain friendships, you will no longer be constantly disappointed or feel ignored. You can continue to keep in touch with the person, but it doesn’t need to put a lot of time and effort into the relationship. [15] X Research Source
- For example, you could simply put this friend in a new category, such as “acquaintance”. Once you start treating them as just acquaintances, you won’t be so upset when they don’t call to wish you happy birthday.
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Connect with people with similar interests and values that you value. Meet new people with the same interests as you by volunteering, signing up for a new class, or joining a club. When interacting with new people, pay attention to how they interact to see if they have the same values as you. [16] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source
- For example, if you’re making friends a priority, notice if that person values the person you’re in front of over your “virtual” friend – if they don’t talk on the phone all the time, for example.
- If you value honesty, pay attention to whether your new friend lies or hides information about himself.
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Be careful when sharing personal information with new friends. Acquaintances can develop into deeper friendships when both parties are open to each other. However, you should do this cautiously and slowly. You probably don’t want to risk sharing something too personal with someone who isn’t sure if you really are. [17] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- For example, try telling them about your career goals first to see if they respond similarly. As you gain more trust, you can talk about more personal things, like your health.
- In addition to protecting your own interests, gradual disclosure is also the healthiest way to build a new relationship. Rarely is it possible to know someone’s deepest secrets within the first week of acquaintance.
Advice
- If your friend says sorry, give them a chance. Maybe they really know the fault, and it’s always good to give someone another chance.
X
This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
There are 14 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 38,692 times.
A true friendship is like a cherry on a glass of ice cream: it makes our lives sweeter. However, a fake friend can drain your energy, leaving you depressed and exhausted every time you see them. If you suspect a fake friend in your circle of friends, find out who that person is by observing their behavior and communication habits. Then, try to keep your distance from them to make room for true friendships that bring you happiness in life.
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