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This article was co-written by Allison Broennimann, PhD. Allison Broennimann is a private practice clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area who specializes in psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in providing psychotherapeutic solutions to treat anxiety, depression, emotional problems, grief, behavioral problems, stress Trauma and life transitions. As part of her psychotherapy service, she integrates intensive psychotherapy with cognitive rehabilitation for people recovering from traumatic brain injury. Broennimann holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and a master of science and doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Palo Alto. She is licensed by the California Psychological Board and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 7,185 times.
Have you ever resented someone because they hurt you deeply? Do you hate someone because they are better than you? Resentment is a psychological process of clinging to painful events or failures that made you angry or bitter. Resentment can cause you to lose yourself and poison your soul, making it difficult to trust others, lose compassion, or accept future love. Overcoming feelings of resentment means that you choose to accept what has happened and forgive others, and change yourself so that those feelings don’t negatively affect you.
Steps
Acknowledgment of feelings
- Recognizing the cause of your resentment will help guide you on how to overcome it. For example, if being angry because someone close to you is making you depressed or frustrated, you can deal with it by changing what you expect from the other person. Of course you can’t change others, so change yourself or learn to accept what has happened.
- Sometimes, the trigger for your resentment comes directly from the person. However, there are other times when they may unknowingly tap into an insecurity or guilt you already have.
- There is a quote that goes like this, “Anger is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill you”. You have the choice to look to the future or continue to suffer. Realize your strength and don’t put all the blame on others.
- An example of jealousy leading to resentment is being bitter when a coworker gets a promotion while you covet the position. Perhaps you feel you deserve a promotion because you have more seniority.
- Overcome envy by being true to yourself and taking action. Does that person really make you angry or is that your problem? If you feel your qualifications are worthy of consideration, you can actively discuss with your superiors about other vacancies. Or, if you think you’re better than your boss, perhaps you should find a suitable position at another company.
- You are not jealous of that person, you are jealous of their character or ability. Sit down and honestly assess your feelings and redirect the jealousy to better yourself. [3] X Research Sources
- Anger often overshadows other difficult to understand or express emotions. People express anger because it’s easier to show others that you’re angry than it is to show feelings of rejection, frustration, jealousy, confusion, or hurt.
- Give yourself a few minutes to think about what happened to you, and feel all the emotions involved in the incident. Get angry if you’re upset. Acknowledge the pain or the shame. Don’t try to banish these feelings. You should really acknowledge your feelings so you can move on.
- Next, write down which behavior of the person upsets you, taking notes not to make you angry, but to dig deeper into the cause of the resentment.
- Finally, document how that behavior and your feelings have impacted your life. For example, if your spouse betrays you, you will feel angry, sad, and ashamed. Your spouse’s betrayal has made it difficult for you to trust or connect with others for fear that they will also hurt you.
- Ask the person to meet you to chat. Use sentence patterns that begin with “I” such as “I am heartbroken because ____,” to express how you feel. Then, in a non-critical manner, ask if the person can explain the situation from their point of view.
- Confront the person only after you have an objective view of the matter, which means you understand your role and deal with your emotions.
- If you want to maintain a relationship with the person, let them know that you want to receive an apology or ask for specific compensation. For example, if your partner has made a mistake and you still decide to stay with him or her, set limits and rules about what you want them to do next time.
Relieve feelings of resentment
- Focus on the solution instead of the problem. This is an effective and forward-looking way to deal with feelings of resentment. Clinging to what happened is not going to help you. Having a plan to learn from the incident will help you become more mature. Write down a few ways to solve the problem, like improving your stress management skills or re-evaluating what you expect from others.
- Carefully consider your analysis of the situation. Sometimes, we harbor resentment based on misconceptions. The other person may not even know what they did wrong, or if they did, they probably never intended to hurt you. Let’s see things realistically. Do you expect others to read your mind?
- Focus on the advantages. If you have been hurt by someone else, you probably spend a lot of time focusing on your weaknesses. Identify your strengths in relation to the event. For example, if a friend lets you down, the good side is that you probably still have other good friends. Perhaps you have an advantage of being willing to forgive a person regardless of their mistakes.
- Forgiveness comes in many forms, but the ultimate goal is for you to release feelings of resentment. After working through your feelings about the incident, make it clear that you no longer hold resentment. Say, “I forgive you”. Tell the person directly if you want to maintain a relationship with them.
- After you’ve written your account of what happened, tear the piece of paper into pieces or burn it. Remove the person’s impact on you by choosing to forgive them and look to the future.
- Learn to love yourself. Besides forgiving that person, you also need to be generous with yourself. Be kind to yourself in the same way you’ve been tolerant of others. You deserve to be loved. [9] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source[10] X Research Source
- Say you forgive yourself and learn to love yourself. You can stand in front of a mirror and say something like, “I love you”, “I’m just human”, “I’m getting better”, or “I’m good enough”.
Warning
- Never plot revenge or want to harm someone because you were hurt. Remember that evil cannot conquer another evil, but only good can conquer. Don’t hold back the hurt and suffering.
This article was co-written by Allison Broennimann, PhD. Allison Broennimann is a private practice clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area who specializes in psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in providing psychotherapeutic solutions to treat anxiety, depression, emotional problems, grief, behavioral problems, stress Trauma and life transitions. As part of her psychotherapy service, she integrates intensive psychotherapy with cognitive rehabilitation for people recovering from traumatic brain injury. Broennimann holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and a master of science and doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Palo Alto. She is licensed by the California Psychological Board and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 7,185 times.
Have you ever resented someone because they hurt you deeply? Do you hate someone because they are better than you? Resentment is a psychological process of clinging to painful events or failures that made you angry or bitter. Resentment can cause you to lose yourself and poison your soul, making it difficult to trust others, lose compassion, or accept future love. Overcoming feelings of resentment means that you choose to accept what has happened and forgive others, and change yourself so that those feelings don’t negatively affect you.
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