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This article was co-written by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a licensed social worker in Missouri. She received her MSW degree from the University of Missouri in 2014.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 7,662 times.
Dealing with a clingy person can be very difficult. You may have to try to be kind and still have your own space. Whether you want to see that person out of your life forever, or change how often you see them, there are many ways to get there.
Steps
Set limits with stalkers
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Record your feelings. Before you set limits, you must know exactly how you are feeling. You may feel so overwhelmed by the person’s actions that you’re not sure how you’re feeling. [1] X Research Source Two common emotions you feel would be discomfort or anger. [2] X Research Source
- How do you feel when that person invades your personal time and space?
- How do you feel when you’re with that person and you wish you weren’t?
- Are there certain actions (e.g. uninvited arrival, late calling…) that can trigger these emotions?
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Decide what limits are required. Once you have identified the specific emotions associated with the stalker, you can create the necessary boundaries. Limits need to be specific to each stalker’s actions. [3] X Research Sources
- For example, if the person calls you too much or too late, your limit would be to stop answering calls, or not pick up after a certain hour.
- Set realistic limits that you can stick to. Don’t say you’ll never talk to that person again if you know you’re not willing to do so.
- Anticipate the outcome of those limits. If that person doesn’t do what you want, what will you do?
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Speak directly. Communicate your limits to the person. Don’t talk to them if you’re feeling angry or frustrated. Be calm and assertive when setting limits. Tell the person that you set such limits to take care of yourself, and not mean to be rude or harmful to anyone. [4] X Research Sources
- If you’re nervous about talking to them, write down your boundaries so you don’t forget during the conversation.
- For example, you might want to say something like, “Thanh, you know I care about you and our friendship, and I’ve always wanted to be honest with you. Lately, I’ve been feeling suffocated because you keep calling me eight times a day, so I want to limit it to just one call a day.”
- You can practice chatting with a friend or relative you trust. Ask the person you practice with to respond in the same way that the other clinger would. [5] X Research Sources
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Be ready in case the person gets angry. When you set limits, you are changing the nature of your relationship with that person. The person may not like what you are doing and become angry. Note that the anger is not your responsibility, but the person’s. [6] X Research Sources
- Don’t let their anger change the limits you’ve set. Just continue on the path you have chosen.
- Just let the person get angry and don’t try to argue with them. For example, if the person says you’re mean, rude, or selfish, don’t try to explain to them that you’re not.
- You won’t be able to have a constructive conversation with anyone if anger arises.
Create distance with that person
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Limit your presence. If you’ve set a limit, reinforce it by showing up only when it feels appropriate. [7] X Research Sources When you are no longer present, the person may understand that you are serious about those limitations. If the person calls you, you can choose not to pick up the phone. If the person texts you asking you to meet up, you might not respond, wait a few days before replying, or remind them of the importance of texting restrictions. [8] X Research Sources
- The next time you see them, you don’t have to make any excuses. A simple rejection is enough. For example: “You were so thoughtful to invite me, but I don’t want to go tonight.”
- You don’t have to act rude, short-tempered, or even passive-aggressive like not replying to texts.
- You may feel guilty or unhappy that you have distanced yourself from them, but remember that you are doing it to take care of yourself.
- While constantly pushing boundaries with assertiveness can be exhausting and stressful, it’s important that you’ve been honest with yourself without the need to engage in hurtful behaviors, as well as win. have their own space.
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Learn how to say “No”. Rejection can be difficult at times, but it’s essential when you’re dealing with a stalker. It’s easier to say “No” to the person if you include another option. That choice should make the other person do something better for you. [9] X Research Source
- For example, if the person asks you out, say, “Sorry, I can’t go. I have homework. Why don’t you invite your friends or relatives to go out with you?”
- Maybe the person will complain because you said no, but stick with it.
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Encourage acceptable behavior. When you set limits and distance yourself from the person, you are creating new rules for the relationship, and it takes time for them to learn those rules. Encourage less clingy behaviors and be prepared in case boundaries are broken. [10] X Research Source Be patient. Changing this person’s behavior can take time.
- If they go out to lunch with someone else, tell them you’re glad they had a good time.
- Encourage them to meet others and step out of their comfort zone. Let’s say you feel so proud that they did. [11] X Research Source
Get that person out of your life
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Create silence. Before you decide to exclude someone from your life, create a pause to see if that’s what you want to do. Tell the person that you think it would be better for the two of you to separate to meet new people and explore other interests. If it’s your friend, let them know that you still care about them and still want to be their friend. [12] X Research Source
- You could say, “I really appreciate our friendship and the time we spent together. I think it would be great if the both of us could spend some time apart and meet new friends.”
- Be gentle and respectful when talking, and don’t be critical of the person. Avoid using phrases like: “You always…”, “You never…” or “You can’t…”
- Emphasize that you think this is the best solution for both.
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Let’s talk honestly. If all else fails and you no longer want to see them, let them know. Tell them you want to end the relationship and the reasons for it. Be as frank as possible. This will be a difficult exchange. [13] X Research Source
- You could say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship and the things that are bothering me. I want to talk to you about that.”
- You can also say, “I have to do what’s best for me. I don’t think we should hang out with each other anymore. Wishing you every success in everything.”
- Before you chat with them, make sure this is what you want to do.
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Face guilt. You will feel very guilty for pushing someone out of your life. Your guilt is completely normal, and it will take some time for you to return to normal. Be confident that you’ve made the right decision, that you’ve repaired your relationship with that person and are doing what’s best for you. [14] X Research Source
- Accept that everyone comes and goes in your life, and no one is perfect. [15] X Research Source
- Take lessons and apply them to your relationships with others.
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Defend your decision. It may take the other person a while to get over the end of the relationship. The person may continue to try to contact you or reach you. He or she may offer to talk again or convince you to change your mind. Be firm with your decision and do not give in to the stubbornness of the other person.
- If you respond to that person, you are sending a conflicting message. [16] X Research Sources Responding to the person will encourage them to contact you.
- If the person calls or texts you, you don’t have to answer. You can block the person’s number so you don’t have to know when they try to contact you.
- Remember that you handled this situation in the best possible way and you made the right decision.
- You may have to remind the person that you no longer want to be with them or see them. Always be resolute and steadfast. [17] X Research Source
Advice
- Remember to always be honest with yourself. The person is a bad influence on you, so let them know it clearly and politely.
- Don’t behave badly. This is something that you must be strict with yourself. If you are mean, the story will be different.
- Stay positive even if the person ignores you after you let them know where they are.
- If this clingy “friend” is an introvert, and they contact you throughout the day, explain to them that you are very busy with work and cannot talk or hang out.
- If you get into an argument with that “friend,” block their number and end the friendship altogether. Don’t feel guilty about ending the “friendship”.
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This article was co-written by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a licensed social worker in Missouri. She received her MSW degree from the University of Missouri in 2014.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 7,662 times.
Dealing with a clingy person can be very difficult. You may have to try to be kind and still have your own space. Whether you want to see that person out of your life forever, or change how often you see them, there are many ways to get there.
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