How to Forgive an Adulterer

If your partner or lover cheats on you, you will probably be hurt, worried, and don’t know how to handle it. If you still want to continue the relationship, it’s time to face your feelings and rethink the relationship you and your partner have built and work to move on. Forgiving an adulterer is never easy, but you can follow these steps to get over it.

Table of Contents

Think before you forgive

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Decide whether you should forgive the adulterer. This is the most important step. Before trying to put things back together, decide if it’s worth it. No matter how much you love your partner, you should understand that forgiving a traitor will be one of the hardest, most exhausting things you’ll ever have to do. However, if you really want to see if you can mend things, here are some reasons to forgive an adulterer: ^{[1] X Research Source}

If it’s a momentary act. Maybe the two of you had a violent argument, maybe it was caused by alcohol, or maybe your partner met someone they thought was really, really special… in a moment of moment. . While there’s no good reason for cheating, if it’s really just a one-time thing, you can just ignore it.
If the person sincerely apologizes. This is important. Is the person truly sorry, upset, emotional, and doing everything possible to prove that he/she is devastated by his/her behavior and will never do it again?
You feel like you’re going to give up if you don’t find a solution to this problem. If you find yourself special and letting go is like forgiveness, try to persevere to see if you can mend it.
If the two of you have ever had a long, strong, intimate, enjoyable relationship. While it may not be as great after you find out your partner has been unfaithful, if the two of you have been deep for a long time, the relationship is worth saving.
Don’t forgive an adulterer over and over again. If this person has cheated on you before, now is the time to leave. Even if the two of you share the same house, kids and live together, it’s not worth it. What if this is the only time you’ve found out about cheating, but you suspect your partner has cheated a few times before? Perhaps you were right.
Don’t forgive an adulterer when the relationship has just begun. If you’ve just been on a date with someone and they’ve cheated on you, it’s hard to let this go in a relationship with such a shaky foundation. Be relieved that it happened early, because it’s not hard to let go.
Don’t forgive an adulterer if cheating is a sign of a broken relationship. If you think the affair happened because you and your partner have nothing in common, are barely attracted to each other, and can’t be mended, then use this as an excuse to let go. .

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage and family therapist

Moshe Ratson is the CEO of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a training and therapy clinic in New York City. He received his Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona University and has been in therapy for over 10 years.

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage and family therapist

Compassion makes it easier to forgive. “If someone betrays you, it can be very difficult to forgive them,” says Moshe Ratson, marriage and family therapist. Remember, forgiveness is compassion, humility, and Let’s slowly let go and move on.”

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Take time to cool off. Even if you want to talk a lot, scold or even hurt the person, don’t do it right after you discover the lie. If you’ve been furious after learning about it, it’s time to rest and relax. If you find out about the lie, but the person doesn’t know you did, then you should take some time to reflect on what to say. ^{[2] X Trusted Sources American Psychpogical Association Go to Source}

This is a difficult step. You would think that the sooner the matter was clarified, the sooner you could decide what to do, but that is not the case. If you jump right into talking or arguing too soon, you will only make things worse.
Take time to go for a walk, exercise, or cry in the room. Do whatever it takes to release your emotions and help you think more clearly.
It may even take you a few weeks to avoid the person. It will be more difficult if the two of you live together, however, if you have to leave, stay with friends, relatives, or even at a hotel if necessary.

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Don’t blame yourself. This is a no-brainer, but one of the hardest parts of the process. Don’t think that your partner is cheating on you because you are not attractive enough, lack of communication, or because you are too busy with work or childcare that neglects your relationship. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

The person cheated on you and it was his/her fault, and it’s not your fault (unless you were unfaithful first, but that’s another story.)
Never blame yourself for your partner’s infidelity, however, when it’s time to look back on the relationship, reflect on the actions that contributed to its stagnation.
Also, never let your partner blame you. If that happens, move out of the house.

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Revisit the relationship. As you feel calmer, think about your relationship with the person who cheated on you. How does that person make you feel? Can you imagine a future without that person? Is this a great relationship, or are you afraid to let go? Here are some questions to ask yourself: ^{[4] X Research Sources}

What is special about your relationship? Are you willing to forgive that person’s cheating because you really want to save this wonderful relationship, or because you’re afraid of being alone? If you can’t think of a reason why your relationship is special, then you should let go.
How would you describe the trajectory of the relationship? Are things going well for a long time and then suddenly going bad, or is your relationship slowly coming to a standstill? Try to think of the reasons that the relationship has changed in a certain trajectory.
Do you think this relationship led to his cheating? Remember, that’s different from blaming yourself. Think about what the relationship has to do with getting your partner to cheat, whether he’s jealous because you’ve been through it, or because you’ve known each other since high school and after ten years he feels like he’s married. family too soon.

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Make sure he or she promises to mend everything. When you decide to forgive someone for good reasons and your relationship is worth saving, make sure that person feels the same way before you spend months — or even years — welding. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

Make sure the person is truly sorry. There’s a difference between saying sorry and actually apologizing.
Make sure your partner is not only apologetic, but committed to working together to improve the relationship with you.

Forgive that person

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Express your feelings. It is important that the person realizes your feelings. He or she may regret it, but that’s different from understanding the pain, sadness, and confusion you’re going through. Tell your partner how you really feel and make sure he or she acknowledges everything you’re going through. ^{[6] X Research Source}

The person needs to understand that they have put you in a bad situation before you get out. It can be very awkward for the other person, especially when just ending a relationship, but he should understand your feelings.

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Have a frank conversation. Having a frank conversation about what happened is the only way to move on. You should plan to set aside some time for the two of you to sit down and talk about what happened. You may have yelled or argued about it, but this is different from analyzing what happened in a logical way. Things to do are: ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Ask the person about what happened. There was no need to know in detail what had happened between them and the third person. You just need to get the correct information. How many times have they met and when did that happen?
Ask how they and a third person feel. The most satisfactory answer is: “I have no feelings for that person.” Worst answer: “I don’t know.” He should not say that he is still attached to the third person, but answer that he really has no feelings for that person. You should pay attention to how he/she feels.
Ask him/her if this has happened before. While there are many arguments against exposing past mistakes or petty mistakes by your partner, once you know the reason, you’ll want to gather as much information as possible so you can make an informed decision. the most reasonable decision.
Ask him/her how he/she feels about the relationship. Find out why he/she is cheating, and how he/she feels about being together.
Talk about your feelings with him/her again. Although you should express and confirm your feelings, stay emotional when you hear him/her talk about what happened.
Discuss what the two of you can do to mend things. Be serious and take notes. What will the two of you do to make sure the bond is strong and the affair won’t happen again? Will the two of you spend more time together, be more honest with each other, or create entirely new habits for the relationship? Will the two of you go to a psychotherapist and tell your friends about the problem, or will the two of you try to figure it out on your own?
Set out principles. If that third person is a co-worker, will your spouse/partner have to quit their job? Many psychotherapists say yes. Does he/she have to keep in touch with you when out and about? This can be humiliating for the person, but remind him that it is you who will lose face.

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Continue to have an open conversation. Once the two of you have candidly talked about what happened, continue to make candid communication a part of each other’s daily lives. You should offer an open and frank point of view, and take the time to listen to the other person’s feelings. Here are some ways to keep the conversation open: ^{[8] X Research Sources}

Set aside time to chat weekly. Be open about what worked for the relationship that week and what you can do to make things better. You shouldn’t feel too pressured, but consider this a necessary step.
Try to express your feelings. Although you tend to shut up after you find out you’ve been cheated on, continue to voice your positive and negative feelings when you’re ready.
Don’t be passive aggressive. If you’re going crazy about something, mention it at the right time.

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Continue to improve your relationship. Unless the affair is really out of the ordinary and everything is perfect between you and your partner, you need to rebuild your relationship. There’s a lot you can do to build a deeper relationship and try starting from scratch. Try some of the following: ^{[9] X Research Sources}

Learn a new hobby together. Both of you should try things you’ve never done before, whether it’s rock climbing or ceramics.
Try to share common interests. Perhaps the two of you have grown apart because you feel you both have nothing in common and have nothing to say. Make an agreement to read a book together every month or watch a new TV show together. Even sharing a few common interests can make a big difference.
Continue to compromise. Don’t let the person always do what they want and understand that you shouldn’t always do what you want, even though you’re the one being betrayed.
Travel together. Doing new things together will help you have more experiences. While a vacation isn’t an effective long-term solution, it can help you forget about the affair for a while. Only do this when you’ve spent some time reflecting and feel like spending more time with your partner.
Stop blaming the other side. This may sound impossible, but if you really want to rebuild your relationship, don’t constantly mention that your partner cheated on you. You can bring it up again when you’re expressing your feelings, but indiscriminate jokes about your partner’s cheating will only make things worse.
Limit humility from that person. While you may enjoy constant compliments, bouquets of flowers, and shoulder to shoulder, try to be equal. Even though the person is truly sorry, they can’t always be condescending in the relationship or trying to assure you of their love for you. That’s so tiring.

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Don’t obsess about those men or women. This is the shortest way to drive yourself crazy and destroy your relationship. If you know who the person is, or if you have the misfortune to run into her or him or even operate in the same company, do everything you can to avoid contact with that person. If you can’t do it at all, that’s completely normal, but tell yourself to focus on your relationship, not mind what the other person is doing with their life. . ^{[10] X Research Source}

Don’t compare yourself to the other person. Don’t let them make you feel bad or inadequate in some way. You cannot know their status. Maybe they fell in love with your lover, or maybe they didn’t know he had you. Just don’t think about this.
Don’t stalk your “love rival” on Facebook and other social media. Don’t scour the person’s profile, looking for clues about what the person has that you don’t.
Don’t follow that person in real life. This is obvious.
Don’t mention that person in front of your lover. Focus on your relationship instead of thinking about the past.
If “really” is obsessed with “third people”, confide in a friend about it, but you can only accept it.

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If you still can’t forgive the person, let go. If you’ve tried everything and still hold grudges and resentments and can’t find a way to improve the relationship, it’s time to end things. If you can’t stand the person, especially when touching him or her, or always appear worried when he is around someone of the opposite sex, then it’s time to let go.

It’s better to end a relationship than to force yourself into something that isn’t worth it. You can only grow resentment and hurt others, or become so cold that you can’t even talk to each other.
Remember that even if your partner tries their best to be your ideal lover after cheating on you, it may be too late. Just because your partner is trying their best right now doesn’t mean you have to stick with it if it doesn’t feel right.
You can feel proud when you try to overcome difficult things despite not being successful. This requires a lot of courage.

Advice

Don’t let financial dependence force you to stay with your partner. If you’ll definitely never be happy with a cheater, then money isn’t worth keeping in a lousy relationship.
Forgiving an adulterer is even more complicated when children are present. You need to think about what is best for the children as well as what is best for you; Do you want to continue an imperfect perspective because it’s good for your child, or do you think what’s good for you will be good for your children in the long run?

Warning

Remember that an adulterer can still cheat again. If this happens again, this is probably the right time to break up or get a divorce.

Steps

Think before you forgive

Forgive that person

Advice

Warning

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