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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,196 times.
Forgiving someone who broke a promise can be difficult, especially if the person is a friend, relative, or part of another close relationship. Breaking promises will make you feel betrayed and you will resent your partner. However, harboring grudges is closely linked to psychological well-being and health, and when you don’t forgive, you’re hurting yourself more than the other person. So you need to learn how to forgive others and at the same time, maintain healthy boundaries.
Steps
Inner healing
- Use affirmations to change the story. You should say it out loud to yourself a few times a day like, “I need to forgive _____ for their broken promise.”
- Becoming mindful and focused on gratitude and kindness will help you reduce your overall anger. When you feel yourself getting angry about an empty promise, you should ask yourself, “What am I grateful for today” so that you can refocus on self-care before the anger spirals out of control. Friend.
- Say aloud to yourself: “I am hurting because of my inability to forgive, not _____”. Remember, actually, letting go of negative emotions will help you feel better.
- Sit up straight in the chair. Perhaps leaning back in the chair will help you feel most comfortable.
- Close your eyes and place one hand on your stomach.
- Slowly inhale deeply. You must feel the air starting in your abdomen and working your way up to your head.
- Exhale slowly. You will notice the breath being released from your head and reaching your abdomen.
- Repeat this process for 5 minutes or until you are calmer.
- This process helps to reduce stress by lowering blood pressure and slowing the heart rate.
- Maybe the person who offended you isn’t ready to apologize yet. You need to forgive and move on even if the person doesn’t make amends. Forgiveness is not about reconciliation but about releasing negative energy to make you feel better.
- Make a conscious decision to learn from the experience rather than grieve about the outcome.
- Ask yourself, “What have I learned from this experience?” and take a few minutes to explore the thoughts that come to mind. For example, have you learned that you need to develop an alternative plan?
Give up every thing
- Think about the person’s intentions. Did the person have good intentions, but something happened that caused them to break their promise?
- You should understand that you may not be the cause of their broken promises. People who break promises are often more focused on their own internal situation or in the external environment, and they don’t realize the impact their broken promises are having on you. For example, if someone promised to go out with you but changed their plans at the last minute, perhaps their car broke down or they’re running out of money more than they thought they would but are too embarrassed to admit it.
- You should remember that everyone will break a promise at some point. Think back to a time when you broke a promise. The feeling of breaking a promise is uncomfortable and the affected person doesn’t feel better either. We are human and sometimes, problems will arise.
- Look for similarities with that person. Perhaps you both love the same music or drive the same car. There are countless similarities that the two may possess. Research has shown that even something as simple as snapping your fingers to the same tune increases empathic behavior.
- Don’t blame others for your unhappiness. Even if their act of breaking a promise has negative consequences for you, you should understand that you have chosen not to use many of the other available options. For example, if you’re expecting the person to drive you to your interview because your car broke down and he or she doesn’t show up, remember that you’ve had the opportunity to set up a backup plan. You are not the victim.
- See that person as a person, not as a “break-in.” When you see the person as someone struggling in some area, you’ll be more willing to forgive them than you are to see them as a broken promise who doesn’t care.
- Increase psychological well-being
- Reduce depression
- Worry less
- Reduce stress levels
- Enhance mental well-being
- Improve heart health
- Lower blood pressure
- Strengthen the immune system
- Building healthier relationships between people
- Increase self-esteem and sense of self-worth
- Research has shown that forgiveness is beneficial because it reduces negative emotions as well as stress. [7] X Research Sources
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact, this is a very powerful option and will ultimately help your health.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened. In fact, you need to build boundaries with untrustworthy people. You can still be friends with someone without asking them for help.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to reconcile the relationship. You can let go of the hatred without continuing the relationship if you believe it is unhealthy or toxic.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should ignore their actions, but that you do it so you can move on with life, and it doesn’t mean you need to make excuses for that person. You can forgive and still take action to protect yourself from future suffering.
- Let the person know that you forgive them. You can call or ask to meet the person in person. Take this opportunity to let them know that you no longer want to hold grudges and that you forgive their broken promises.
- If the person is deceased, can’t be contacted, or if you just want to vent a grudge privately, you can express your forgiveness towards yourself in language. You should find a quiet location where you can have some privacy. Just say out loud “I forgive you, ____”. You can go into as much detail as you want.
- Write letter. This is also a pretty cool option. You will be able to decide whether you should submit it or not. The goal here is for you to give yourself the opportunity to really let go of the grudge.
- For example, your relative promised to help you babysit so you could attend an important event, but she canceled at the last minute. One of the boundaries that you can build is that she has to give you 1 day notice if she wants to cancel in the future (assuming there are no emergencies) so that you can make arrangements. . You can let her know that if she doesn’t live up to her agreement, you will never ask her to babysit your children and you will never babysit for her.
- Remember, once you start rebuilding trust, boundaries can change.
- It’s important to set boundaries with the chronically broken person. Yes, everyone has a few problems that they need to deal with, but you don’t have to allow yourself to be constantly taken advantage of while the person is trying to solve his or her problem.
Reconciliation of the relationship
- Emotions can interfere with the reconciliation process. [11] X Source of Research Remember to allow the inner healing process to take place before attempting to restore the relationship. If you are still upset about the broken promise, things will only get worse.
- Sometimes the mediation process will be unhealthy and this is normal. If you don’t think you should salvage the relationship, you can forgive the person without restoring the relationship. While it can be awkward, you can say something like, “I really appreciate you for who you are and I forgive you, but right now I don’t think we should continue this friendship.”
- Here’s an example of what you might say: “I know we had disagreements but I want you to know I take our relationship very seriously and I want us to continue being friends. . It’s fun to be around you, you provide good advice, and there’s no one else who makes me want to spend the entire Ladies Saturday Night like you.”
- You should try to be as specific as possible when you let the person know that you appreciate them. This will make you look more sincere. In addition, a sense of humor will also be quite useful if appropriate.
- Even if the person is a broken promise, you should consider your contribution to the situation. Self-awareness is important because it helps you hold yourself accountable for any actions you’ve taken that have exacerbated the problem.
- Ask yourself the questions “Am I communicating clearly?”, “Do I know that the person has a lot of problems and I continue to add to the burden?”, “ Did I overreact a bit?” This is a question that helps you see your contribution to the situation. When you share responsibility for the problem, the other side will feel less defensive and the reconciliation process will be easier.
- If the person is angry, you should respect their right to be angry, whether it is justified or not. Sometimes, people unconsciously blame others. You should give them time and keep thinking about the positive.
- Perhaps the person will decide not to want to reconcile the relationship. In this case, you should be prepared to wish them well and continue to forgive.
- It will take some time for the two of you to continue to become close, and this is only natural. You should move on one day at a time and eventually, you will get through this difficult time.
Advice
- Don’t expect the past to get better. Everything happened. All you can focus on is the present and the future. Don’t dwell on the past and reflect on the past and hope things were different. You should focus your energy on future goals.
- Appreciate your decision to forgive. You need to appreciate the fact that you have the ability to move on from the betrayal. Always remind yourself that moving forward requires strength and dignity to be honored.
- The mental health benefits of forgiveness should not be underestimated. Research shows that just eight hours of forgiveness can reduce a person’s levels of depression and anxiety as well as a few months of psychotherapy. [14] X Research Source
- The physical health benefits of forgiveness should not be underestimated. A 2005 study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that people who considered themselves more forgiving had better health across five criteria: physical symptoms, medication intake, and physical symptoms. used, sleep quality, exhaustion, and illness. [15] X Research Source
Warning
- Forgiveness is a process and can be very difficult depending on how much betrayal you have received. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t forgive someone who broke a promise right away. You should allow yourself a chance to work through the grieving process if this is necessary for your situation, but you should try to forgive. Remember, forgiveness is for you, not for that person.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 13 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,196 times.
Forgiving someone who broke a promise can be difficult, especially if the person is a friend, relative, or part of another close relationship. Breaking promises will make you feel betrayed and you will resent your partner. However, harboring grudges is closely linked to psychological well-being and health, and when you don’t forgive, you’re hurting yourself more than the other person. So you need to learn how to forgive others and at the same time, maintain healthy boundaries.
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