How to Forgive

Forgiveness is a necessary action. If you can truly and effectively forgive, you will change the way you think, feel, and live. Taking on challenges with an “I can do it” attitude will motivate you to take on the challenge. By taking action, changing your thoughts, transforming your feelings, and seeking guidance from a wealth of valuable resources, you will learn to forgive others and yourself.

Table of Contents

Start Action

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Actively communicate. As life gets busier and busier, it’s often hard to stay connected with friends. When conflicts occur that separate people from each other, that distance makes relationships even more difficult to mend. If you want to forgive someone, take the first step by reaching out your hand first. This action will help you feel more open and optimistic.

The first step is always difficult, and sometimes you need to push yourself. Simply say to yourself, “Go ahead,” then pick up the phone and call.

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Ask the other person to listen. Whether you decide to arrange a face-to-face meeting or talk on the phone or electronically, it all boils down to one purpose: to want the other person to give you time to express your thoughts and feelings. about the conflict that happened.

Reassure the other person that you are open and ready to hear them. This will make the other person feel more open about the upcoming conversation.
If the person refuses to meet, don’t be disappointed. There are several things you can do to work towards forgiveness, whether the other person agrees or not. Arranging the forgiveness process is ultimately going to help you. You can write letters instead of talking face-to-face to express how you feel and think about the other person. Journaling will help you express how you feel and be productive. ^{[1] X Research Source}
Journaling can help reduce anxiety and stress, as it is a healthy outlet for feelings of confusion and suffocation. ^{[2] X Trusted Source University of Rochester Medical Center Go to Source}

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Discuss the problem. Some discussions in life seem more difficult than usual. Once a conflict has occurred and negative emotions are running high, it can be difficult to initiate a dialogue. The goal now is to set up the conversation and lead to a peaceful resolution to release your hurt and frustration. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

First, thank the person for agreeing to meet you.
Second, tell the person that your goal is for both sides to hear each other’s stories and work toward a peaceful resolution that allows both of you to move forward.
Third, detail your story, in which you talk about your feelings and thoughts.
Fourth, ask the other person if there is anything they would like you to explain before they tell their story.
Fifth, ask questions that can give you the information you need to understand their goals, motivations, thoughts, and feelings.

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Sorry about your part. Almost every conflict involves misunderstanding and misinterpretation of the other party’s actions and words. There are a few things you need to do to make the situation less stressful. Taking responsibility for one’s part encourages an open discussion, and it is also necessary to move toward a solution. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

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Accept the appologize. ^{[5] X Research Source} If the other person makes a sincere apology during the conversation, accept it. Even if you’re forced to say “I accept your apology,” this is still a big step toward feeling forgiveness in your heart.

Accepting an apology can be difficult. If you’re trying your best to forgive someone, you can say, “I accept your apology, I’m also trying to forgive, but it takes time.”

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Be ready to step forward. If you want, or are forced to, stay in a relationship with that person, your behavior should show that you’re serious. Your relationship will improve if you go through the path of forgiveness. ^{[6] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to the source} This process includes not holding grudges and not digging up the past. ^{[7] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the source} In addition, your willingness to laugh and joke with the person is also a factor in the forgiveness process. Leaving the conflict behind will bring you a great sense of relief. Use that as a motivation to move towards a fair and decisive way of thinking.

As time has passed and things have progressed, you may find that you still let feelings of betrayal affect the way you treat the other person, manifesting in heated arguments and fights. Perhaps you haven’t dealt with your hurt feelings yet, and so there’s still some work to be done. This is a normal reaction and you can handle it by talking about how you feel to the person inside or to another person.

Change Your Thoughts and Feelings

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Practice empathy and compassion. ^{[8] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to the Source} Sympathy and compassion are two qualities that can be learned. As with any new skill, it takes practice. If you can treat people the way you want to be treated, you’re halfway there.

Take the opportunity to practice compassion in public. If you see someone struggling with the door at the entrance to the store, run over and help them open it. If you see someone who seems sad, smile at them and say hello. Your goal is for people to feel the impact of your kind gestures.
Expand empathy by talking and, most importantly, listening to people outside your communication zone. Try to talk to a stranger every week. Go beyond the usual polite questions to ask about their lives and experiences (with respect). This will broaden your worldview and help you understand others better. ^{[9] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source}

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Let go of your negative emotions. Fear, insecurity, and an inability to communicate are the causes of hurtful behaviors. Some people don’t understand why they act a certain way, because they haven’t discovered the inner workings of their own behaviour. ^{[10] X Research Source} This cannot justify the person’s behavior.

Remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to help or make the person turn into a fully grown person. Wish them well and don’t let that stop you from moving towards forgiveness.
Try to find out what happened and why the person acted the way he did. You can talk to that person or to someone you trust. Alternatively, you can go online, go to a bookstore or library to find out about it. Knowledge is power and the study of the underlying motives of human behavior is interesting.

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Ask questions and change your perspective. You may be assuming that the other person did something wrong with you in that situation. In many cases, people are biased in their perception, and a return to balance is necessary. It is important that you include the evidence in your view, especially if it harms yourself.

If your mind is constantly whirling with thoughts of that conflict, it will certainly take up a lot of your time. Questions like: if compared to the dire situation between life and death, is the problem that big? Is it worth it to worry about it all day, which has robbed me of my time to enjoy my life? Think about your answers, decide to change your perspective, and don’t let the contradiction take over your mind.
Perhaps you avoid attending social events with people you hold dear just because you don’t want to see the person who betrayed or hurt you. This decision has hindered you from socializing with the people you love, robbing you of a pleasurable experience. Be brave and accept the invitation to attend. You don’t have to talk to the other person when you get there; But if you meet by chance, you should also be polite and refrain from sloppy replies.

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Change your thoughts from anger to comfort. The truth is that anger only harms you because you are harboring negative feelings about another person. To combat feelings of anger, turn it into a feeling of serenity. The lighter you feel, the lower your anger level will be. Your reward will be a better mood and you will be appreciated by others. ^{[11] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source} Answering the following questions will help change your mind and make you less angry:

How do I feel when I think negatively about that person?
Do I want to hurt myself?
Do my thoughts only hurt the other person?
Your answers would probably be: annoyed, no, and no, respectively. Based on those answers you create a more pleasant response: I deserve to feel optimistic, to take positive care of myself, and to protect myself from harm.

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Make a list of the benefits of letting go of resentments. Dispel the things that are dragging you behind. Some people insist on holding on to their anger, acting as the victim, and letting it affect many aspects of their lives. Such people believe that they are victims of the actions of the other, even when there is evidence to the contrary.

Ask yourself if you belong to that type of person. If the answer is yes, you need to correct that behavior.
The process of dealing with feelings associated with conflict involves: identifying the negative feeling, then looking at the benefits you get from getting rid of it. For example, you will feel relaxed, relieved, able to focus on the good, let go of anger, feel like life is back on track. The point here is that you have to find loads of evidence that your life will be better if you let go and move on.

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Don’t give up the effort. If you try to forget about something but it continues to gnaw at your heart, then you need to process more about the situation. You can confide in a close friend or family member, write it down, or go out for a picnic to let physical activity release your emotions.

You may feel resentful when someone tells you, “stop it” if you haven’t reached the point where the problem has been resolved. Take a deep breath and say, “I’m trying to get over it, but I can’t.”

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Participate in fun activities. You can learn to let go by rediscovering your pleasures. When you have fun playing, you will get rid of the negative thoughts of discord that are still lingering in you.

For example, you can go to the beach and fly a kite. This game requires you to pay meticulous attention, giving you a feeling of joy and satisfaction when you have flown the kite. It’s magical entertainment that makes you see situations differently. It is often said that a smile is ten tonics. Play and laughter will help you stay optimistic and positive in difficult situations. ^{[12] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}
Schedule at least once a week to hang out and have fun.

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Release your anger. Staying angry and frustrated is not healthy. Dealing with feelings of anger with physical activity or artistic activities are good options for cutting anger, reducing stress, and reducing anxiety. Anger needs to be vented when it comes to forgiveness.

Consider running, hiking, or weight training to expend the energy you used to feed that annoying problem. Physical exercise will help your blood circulate and increase the amount of endorphins, a hormone that brings a feeling of happiness and reduces pain. ^{[13] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}
Practice meditation alone or in groups. Meditation has been used for centuries in many cultures to overcome negative thoughts that make you angry, while cultivating positive thoughts. ^{[14] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}
Painting, sculpting, or creating a digital work are all helpful activities that help you shift your focus to creating art so you can process your anger. ^{[15] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

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Rebuild trust. When we let someone in our lives, we take risks. Those people can betray the trust that everyone has built together. An essential part of forgiveness is allowing the person to regain your trust.

Allow the person to demonstrate that they are trustworthy, honest, and sincere. ^{[16] X Research Source} Give your partner a chance to prove it to you. When you give a little, you can get many positive rewards in return.
For example, accept his invitation to the movies. That way, people will have the opportunity to arrive on time, pamper you and have a good time. If you are unwilling to accept his invitation, how can you witness his sincere efforts to win your trust back?
If the cheater has lied about where he is, ask him to let you know via text or call to tell you where he is.
Remember to acknowledge when people are working to regain their trust in you. You can tell him that you acknowledge his efforts.

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Appreciate the experience from the lessons. Every person and opportunity that comes into your life can leave you with a lesson about something. Each experience makes us wiser and more understanding about what to expect in life. We learn from both the good and the bad.

Sit down and list what you have learned from the situation you are dealing with. Perhaps you learned not to underwrite a friend’s loan with a bad financial record. You may also learn that some people prefer to party than pay rent; or those roommates are so lazy and indiscriminate that you can’t get your deposit back.
Don’t forget to write about every positive thing that happened. People often only see the negative side when they are drowning in suffering; But no situation is completely bad. Maybe you should learn to trade when choosing roommates to make sure they have the same study habits and housework skills as you. That will help you to have more peaceful situations later in life.

Find help

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Find a therapist. If you are having trouble forgiving someone and this is negatively affecting your life, it may be time to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. There are therapies that encourage forgiveness that have been successful in helping people work through past hurts, find peace, and find solutions to problems. ^{[17] X Research Source}

Get a referral or recommendation from a trusted doctor, family member or friend. But if it’s not convenient, contact your local mental health department to ask about counseling options.
If you feel that a therapist isn’t right for you, find another one. Every professional is different, and finding someone who makes you feel comfortable is essential.
Find a cognitive behavioral therapist. ^{[18] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to the source} They will check and dispel any negative thought patterns growing in your mind..
Consider seeking spiritual counseling. Many people find comfort in seeking help from spiritual leaders who can lead you to forgiveness. The power of prayer to heal and alleviate feelings of guilt and shame – are motivations for people to seek forgiveness for a variety of reasons. ^{[19] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source}

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Set therapeutic goals. Determine to change your behavior. Setting goals helps you in mental and physical therapy. ^{[20] X Research Sources} Engage in therapy by allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable. Don’t give up just because therapy gets tough. Your efforts will pay off, you will have a feeling of refreshment and contentment.

Define goals. For example, would you like to feel more at peace with a family member who has betrayed you? Let your therapist know that is one of your goals.
Reward yourself every time you reach a goal. You will be more motivated if you reward yourself for your achievements. ^{[21] X Research Source}
Adjust goals instead of giving up.
Keep setting new goals so you can get busier in life.

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Enhanced support system. Always be around those who care about you; be it family, friends or co-workers. Reach out to meet new people and expand your support group. Through therapy, you will learn many things that make you feel more resourceful and confident. A good support system will help you reduce stress and can even boost your immune system. ^{[22] X Research Source}

Discovering things that interest you can help you join groups, allowing you to meet new people and experience new situations.

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Forgive and accept yourself. Struggling with yourself can leave you feeling bad about yourself. You may feel guilty about not taking care of yourself in a situation, or you blame yourself for what happened unjustly. You can learn to manage guilt and shame instead of eliminating them.

If you decide to participate in cognitive behavioral therapy, it will help you examine your thoughts and develop other, more effective ways of thinking about yourself. ^{[23] X Trusted Source American Academy of Family Physicians Go to Source}

Advice

Sometimes it helps to know that there are people who have forgiven in unbelievable situations. Ask friends for support and ask for examples so you’re motivated to forgive.
Studies show that forgiveness depends on whether people believe they still have to have sex with the offender. ^{[24] X Trusted Source Science Direct Go to the source} Then you can decide whether to forgive or not.
It’s never too late to seek professional help if you want. Change is not easy, but it is possible if you are willing to put in the work and figure out how to cope with the challenges. ^{[25] X Research Sources}
Licensed therapists are trained to help people manage the inner struggles that are affecting their lives.
Being honest and sincere when apologizing gives people a better chance of being forgiven. ^{[26] X Research Sources}
If you served in the military and witnessed actions that did not meet your moral standards, you can learn self-forgiveness skills through therapy. ^{[27] X Research Source}
Use all your mental energy (perhaps first thing in the morning) to envision the new life you want. Imagine yourself in the future, free from pain and suffering.

Warning

Forgiveness is hard, but living in a grudge is even harder. Inflaming anger can be very dangerous and can hurt others in ways you cannot imagine.
Some mental illnesses can interfere with the ability to forgive. A person with a personality disorder may never feel guilt or shame about their wrongdoing, which are two factors that drive forgiveness.
Unconditional forgiveness is not based on any actions or claims of the offender. The act of forgiveness is meant to free you from anger, sadness, and frustration that cause suffering.

Steps

Start Action

Change Your Thoughts and Feelings

Find help

Advice

Warning

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