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This article was co-written by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.
This article has been viewed 72,081 times.
Ending a relationship is never easy. Although many people don’t think so, ending a relationship can be as emotionally draining as being abandoned by your partner. Before deciding to end a relationship, you should carefully consider the reason for the breakup. Even though you’re sure, remember that your soon-to-be ex was once someone you loved. You should be honest but not cruel, merciful but not give the other person hope. With a little ingenuity and care, you should be able to end the relationship and keep the emotional pain to a minimum. Be very careful, because that can also hurt you.
Steps
Getting Ready to End the Relationship
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Make sure you want to end the relationship. Don’t use the threat of breakup as a tool to get what you want during an argument. If you do speak out, be prepared to take back your words with actions, otherwise swallow the threat before you speak. Have an open and direct discussion with your partner before making a decision. Many people often suffer for years and never tell their other half, this is the cause of many breakups. [1] X Research Source
- If you really want to end the relationship, you should make a list of the reasons you’re unhappy about it – and the reasons why those things can’t be changed.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage and family therapist
Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage and family therapist
Marriage and family therapist
Determine what needs to be changed. Marriage and family expert, Elvina Lui, says: “If you’re starting to feel unhappy and wondering if you should break up, there’s definitely something to deal with. Maybe it’s time to break up. Either way, identifying what your needs are and how they’re not being met is the first step toward fixing or ending the relationship. there”.
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Make decisions while sober. Don’t decide to break up in anger, when you’re feeling unsettled, or after you’ve had a bad week and you blame your relationship for all the problems you’re having. Before making this important decision, take the time to get advice from friends and parents who have an informed view of your relationship.
- When you decide to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t tell your best friend or anyone about it, or it could end up in the other person’s ears. You can ask for advice from friends and family, but once you’ve made up your mind, the next thing you should do is tell your boyfriend or girlfriend.
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Choose the right time and place. Choose a time and place that allows both you and the person you’re breaking up to have some privacy. [2] X Research Source Don’t break up with someone right before an important test or before going to work. Friday is a good choice because it gives the other person two weekends to recover to some extent.
- Don’t break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend at your favorite restaurant, bar or place. Choose a neutral place that has no special meaning to either of you.
- Pick a time when you know you will be in a calm state. Don’t break up with your partner after you know you’re going to have to work overtime because of a stressful meeting at work.
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Make sure you meet in person to end the relationship (in most situations). To give your partner the respect he or she deserves, you should meet in person to end the relationship, no matter how scared you are.
- The only situation where a phone breakup is acceptable is if the two of you are in a long-distance relationship and know you won’t see each other for a long time, or if you are in a controlling or violent. If your partner is prone to outbursts of anger, violence, or scary behavior, it’s better to end the relationship at a distance.
End of Relationship
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Definitely about breaking up. Be consistent in what you say – being indecisive with the faint hope that you’ll make them feel “lighter” will only hurt them more. A breakup doesn’t have to be overly dramatic or stressful. Get to the point and say that you don’t want to continue the relationship when it doesn’t work out. Doing other things will only lead to controversy. [3] X Research Sources
- Avoid saying things that make the other person think this is just a test breakup and that you will be back to normal after resting for a while.
- You may think it helps to hurt the other person by saying “I’m not really ready for this right now” or “Perhaps things will get better in a while…” but if you don’t really mean it, it will only add to the pain for your partner.
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Be honest but don’t be cruel. You don’t want to let your partner go when you’re still unsure as to why your relationship ended, but you also don’t want him or her to walk away after hearing 20 things you don’t like. most in them. Be honest about why the relationship needs to end, whether it’s because you feel suffocated, controlled, or disrespected. Don’t waste time talking around. [4] X Research Sources
- The hardest reason to break up is that you simply don’t love the person anymore, because it’s not their fault. In this case, you should still be honest, but say it as gently as possible.
- Once you’ve given your main reason, you don’t have to go into the petty details and repeat previous arguments, unless the other person really doesn’t get it. There’s no point in repeating past problems and prolonging the pain.
- Don’t put the person down and make them feel unconfident and worthless. Don’t say “I want to be with a real man” – say “I think you should be more confident in yourself” instead.
- Whatever the reason, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to the other person. If you’ve had a frank conversation about this many times, then it shouldn’t be too surprising to the other person.
- Avoid giving a long list of reasons why you’re kicking him or her. Shorten your reasons to one main issue: “We don’t get along”, “I see that you don’t support my work and I don’t want to change it”, “I want kids and you don’t.” no” or similar specific reasons.
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Be prepared for backlash. The person being kicked often reacts with anger or surprise, shock, or panic. If he responds angrily, try to calm him down and calm him down. Speak in a soft voice even when he starts shouting. If things get out of hand, leave and let him calm down – but make sure you assure him you’re ready to come back later, when he’s more comfortable. Don’t just say, “Oh forget it, I’m leaving”.
- Comfort him if needed, but don’t go too far. Tell him what you think if things get uncomfortable or inappropriate. You don’t want to go downhill. Be merciful but be firm and stop communicating for a while if things tend to get worse.
- If you are worried about leaving the person alone, call a friend of his and explain everything that happened, where he is, what you are worried about and what you want the friend to do. do. Apologize for the hurt you’ve caused, thank that friend for helping out then let things flow naturally.
- If your ex is so angry that he won’t listen to anything, say, “It’s okay to yell at others. I’ve already made up my mind, and I won’t change my mind, but I will. talk to me if you can calm down. Give me some time to calm down and then give me a call – we can talk more clearly.” If he does call, keep your word. Listen to the phone. If he asks you, answer honestly and kindly, but keep the conversation short and polite so you don’t prolong the pain.
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Set a clear boundary for your future interactions. Once you start, be polite but firm about these boundaries and make it clear that you won’t accept negotiation. You can cut ties with him or her without giving them a chance to discuss what happened. Try to make a failed relationship worthwhile by turning it into an opportunity to learn, grow, and know more about the types of people to avoid.
- If you two have mutual friends and want to avoid each other for a while, make a “joint” plan so you can still see your friends without accidentally bumping into each other.
- If you both like the same coffee shop or join a beauty club, try to schedule a time that allows you to avoid each other. You don’t have to be too strict or rigid about this, but it can help the two of you avoid feeling sad when you accidentally run into each other.
- If the two of you keep each other’s things or even live together, plan to rearrange your belongings as soon as possible so you don’t have to see each other again.
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Know when to leave. One of the easiest mistakes to make when ending a relationship is letting the final argument drag on forever. Forever. And forever. And forever. Summarizing expenses, common assets, etc. is one thing, but constantly doing useless public works is another.
- When the conversation returns to the starting point – in other words, the two of you just going round and round about identical ideas without getting to the bottom line – stop. It’s time to say “I think we should continue this later or stop” and leave.
- If the other person doesn’t understand why you want to break up, you can try to make things clearer with a letter or text. Say what you need to say and let the other person justify it with texting so they feel heard and stop there. It’s easier to cut ties when you’re not together.
Living Life After Breaking Up
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Don’t try to stay friends right away. Trying to be “friends” can prolong the pain of separation. Often, the best way is to end it completely and stay away from each other. After a while, perhaps three months, a year or more, when you see the other person again and no longer feel the same grief as before, perhaps then you can try to become friends. Even so, be sensitive and respectful of your ex’s needs – she or he may need more time than you do. If that happens, don’t force your friend’s opinion on the other person to try to be friends. [5] X Research Sources
- If your ex asks you, “Can we still be friends?”, answer, “No, we can’t still be friends. For now, I think it’s best for us to end things.” . If forced, say, “Look, we started off as friends and crossed that line. To be friends, we’ll have to go back to the beginning and honestly I don’t want to. Now, we need to move forward, which means we need to distance our broken relationship from any new relationships we might have. take a break, take some time and give each other the distance we need to recover and move on.Perhaps some time later, when we meet again, we can put aside our anger and become friends friends. Let things happen naturally.” However, make it your last talk. Let’s make it neat so the two of you don’t need to communicate any further.
- If the two of you have mutual friends, inform them of the breakup and let them know that you won’t show up to any gatherings where the other person also attends and if that means they have to It’s okay to choose one side.
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Take time to deal with your loss. Of course, you’re the one who wants to break up, but in most cases, that doesn’t mean you want to party all night to celebrate your upcoming single life. What people don’t understand is that the person who initiates the breakup is just as sad as the person who was broken up. In some cases, the person who said goodbye first feels even more miserable, because they may feel guilty, even though they know they did the right thing. [6] X Research Sources
- After a breakup, take some time to re-evaluate your life and think about things you can do to be happier in the future.
- You can spend a week or two just crying, journaling, and nesting in bed. But then there comes a time when you have to step out into the world again and slowly start getting back into the rhythm of life.
- Calling a friend when needed can help you feel better. Going clubbing and drinking to forget reality after a breakup won’t help you.
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Enjoy life after breakup. After a few weeks, or a few months, you will slowly begin to enjoy your life again. By then, you and your ex must have really separated and found ways to avoid seeing each other, which is extremely beneficial for the recovery process. Once you feel yourself again, you should have fun with your friends and loved ones and pursue your hobbies and find new passions.
- If you want to feel the same way again, you should avoid doing the things you and your ex used to do together, whether it’s walking at your favorite spot or drinking at a fixed bar.
- Make a few changes. To feel fresh, rearrange your furniture, wash your car, and find a new hobby you’ve never tried before, like volleyball or art.
Advice
- Be consistent and honest from the start to avoid giving the other person hope and confidence that one day you’ll come back.
- Don’t argue or confront if possible. Wait until everyone is calm enough to talk about the breakup if necessary.
- Don’t play video games or start ignoring the other person before you break up with him. If you want it to end, you better cut it off sooner rather than later.
- Spend time apart; and give the other person time to come to terms with things before meeting someone new. Usually a minimum of a week, but it can vary depending on the depth of your feelings and how long the two of you have been dating. If the two of you have been together for a year or more, or if the breakup was extremely painful, avoid nagging about the mistakes the other person made. The way to avoid being mean when you’re dating someone else is to take the new person to new places instead of to the places you used to go with your ex. Be a more tolerant person, and allow your ex to keep their life as unchanged as possible – you’ve moved on, and it’s easier for you because you’ve prepared well for this ending . By letting the other person maintain a stable life, you can walk your own path and still give the other person some dignity.
- Don’t wait until after sex to break up. That is extremely painful and very selfish.
- Let’s meet face to face to say goodbye, never text!
Warning
- Avoid giving the person hope that things can continue. If you’ve decided to move on, you need to make your point very clear. If you can still save it, don’t rush to break up. Instead, focus on what you two should do to save the relationship. Breaking up isn’t something to threaten or a way to change someone.
- Don’t say “It’s not me, it’s you”. That’s very insulting and cliché, even if it’s true. Most people understand that it means “I didn’t say you’re the real reason but it’s because of you, I just don’t have the courage to say it”.
- Don’t get upset if he starts crying. Remember why you did it!
- Never make him feel like he’s the one to blame for the failure of the relationship.
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This article was co-written by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a licensed family and marriage therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been MFT certified for over 7 years.
This article has been viewed 72,081 times.
Ending a relationship is never easy. Although many people don’t think so, ending a relationship can be as emotionally draining as being abandoned by your partner. Before deciding to end a relationship, you should carefully consider the reason for the breakup. Even though you’re sure, remember that your soon-to-be ex was once someone you loved. You should be honest but not cruel, merciful but not give the other person hope. With a little ingenuity and care, you should be able to end the relationship and keep the emotional pain to a minimum. Be very careful, because that can also hurt you.
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