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This article was co-written by Nicpe Barile, PhD, NTP. Nicpe Lippman-Barile is a clinical psychologist and nutritionist practicing in New York. As a psychologist, she specializes in the treatment of anxiety, mood disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder and other related disorders. As a registered dietitian, Lippman-Barile specializes in the treatment of blood sugar disorders, digestive health and food-related mood disorders. She holds a doctorate in clinical psychology from Hofstra University and a certificate as a registered dietitian from the Society for Therapeutic Nutrition.
Someone’s silence can be very frustrating, especially when you’re trying to have a romantic conversation with them. You may feel frustrated when things start to get tense and they remain silent. The important thing right now is to give yourself space and take care of your own needs. We’ll walk you through how to deal with this situation so you can have a good and productive conversation.
Steps
Responding to a silent uncooperative attitude
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Don’t judge the person if you’re not sure. Consider the situation before assuming the other party is uncooperative. If you automatically think bad things about the other person, you’re probably thinking too much about their behavior. For example, instead of thinking, “Every time I’m upset, he never talks to me. He’s so insensitive,” you can train yourself to think differently. “He can’t talk as soon as he gets home from work, it’s not that he’s ignoring me. He’s just tired after a long day at work.”
- If you find it difficult to gauge your partner’s behavior, try stepping back a bit and staying alone. After an hour of reflection, you may feel much better and realize that there are some things you want to say to the other person. [3] X Research Sources
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Give your partner some space. Don’t beg, push, and force the other person to talk. You can’t force people to talk to you – this can make things worse. If you try to talk to them or start a fight, they will become defensive, and possibly even more taciturn. [4] X Research Sources
- In the opposite direction, do not show the same silent attitude. This can send the message that this type of behavior is acceptable. At this point, you just have to tell them how such silence makes you feel and stop there.
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Tell the other person that you want to talk later. Let the other person know now so they won’t be surprised when you repeat the incident later. Before giving the other person space, you can say something like, “We need to talk about this, but I think we both need to calm down now” or “I don’t know what’s going on.” happen to me. I want to talk to you later, but now I need to be alone.” [5] X Research Sources
- You can use gestures or words to let the other person know you need to pause the conversation, such as a brief and to-the-point sentence like “I’m under pressure.”
- If you’re the one who isn’t ready to talk, that’s okay! Just say, “I want to talk to you about this too, but I need to take some time off to talk.”
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Temporarily separate from each other. Both sides should give each other some space to cool down. Chances are you’re both overwhelmed or frustrated, although each puts it in a different way. Go to another room or get out of the house so you both have some alone time. [6] X Research Sources
- Stress hormones cause your heart to beat faster and your blood pressure to rise, and this will make it difficult for you to have important emotional conversations with the other person.
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Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Be empathetic to the other person because perhaps they are also having a hard time. People often focus only on how they feel when they encounter the other person’s silence, but stop for a moment to think about what makes them silent. Being quiet is often a tactic some people use when they can’t think of any other way to deal with their feelings – they’re suffering even if they don’t say it. [7] X Research Sources
- There are times when you should tell yourself that the other person needs help but they just don’t know how to make it clear to you.
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Open the chat when they’re ready. Listen attentively to the other person as they begin to open up. Focus on listening when they’re ready to communicate and don’t interrupt or ask questions, as they may get defensive and withdrawn. Instead, make eye contact with them, put all your phones and distractions aside, and show the other person that you’re listening. [8] X Research Sources
- If you’re not sure if the other person is ready to talk, try asking first to be sure.
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Tell your partner about your feelings. Tell them you feel hurt so they know their behavior is unacceptable. When faced with uncooperative silence, you may just want to walk away and hide until it’s all over. Before you do anything, just tell the other person how their silence makes you feel. This is a way to set limits and show them you don’t approve of their behavior. For example, you could say: [9] X Research Sources
- “I know you’re under a lot of pressure, but you don’t say that leaving like that makes me feel uncomfortable.”
- “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I get upset when you won’t talk to me.”
- “Obviously something’s wrong and you haven’t told me. I’m sad that you don’t trust me.”
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Communicate with each other to move forward. Let them know that silence is not okay, and offer solutions. Maintain a respectful attitude and use sentences with the subject “I” so that the other person does not feel attacked. For example, you could say, “I feel invisible when you ignore me. It’s okay if you want to be quiet, but you should tell me that you’re not okay and need your own space.” [10] X Research Source
- Instead of saying, “You make me very uncomfortable by staying silent,” try saying, “I feel frustrated when you don’t talk to me. It’s fine if you don’t want to explain it to me right now, but I need to tell you what I want.”
Coping with uncooperative silence
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Redirect focus on your needs. Try not to think about your partner and how they make you feel. Keeping distance between you and the other person also includes mental distance! Don’t dwell on your partner or wonder what’s going on. Instead, visualize a peaceful place for yourself.
- You can close your eyes and imagine a beautiful scene that always gives you a pleasant feeling of relaxation. For example, recall a trip to the beach or a favorite place where you used to hide as a child.
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Practice mindfulness of breathing and stretching. Pay attention to your body and surroundings to feel in control. When faced with uncooperative silence, you may sweat and your heart pound. Breathe deeply and evenly to regulate your heart rate. Relax and squeeze the muscles in your hand for a few seconds, then release and repeat with the other muscle groups. [11] X Research Source
- Try relaxing the muscles from your head down to your toes. Don’t rush – enjoy the feeling of releasing tension in your body.
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Do things that give you a sense of security and control. Listen to music, go for a walk, or chat with a close friend to focus on yourself. This can be different for each person, so choose an activity that helps you improve your mood. For example, there are people who like to study books or listen to podcasts. [12] X Research Source
- If you feel uneasy and annoyed because you can’t talk to the other person, go for a jog. Physical activity is often an effective way to release emotions and energy.
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Talk to a therapist if you find it difficult. A therapist can give you the tools you need to communicate. If possible, convince the other person to go to therapy with you. Sometimes it’s easier for people to open up when there’s a third party as an intermediary. If that’s not the case, that’s okay; you can still talk to a professional to get the support you need. [13] X Research Source
Advice
- Seeking help is especially important if you feel like your lover or partner is trying to punish you with silence. This can be a sign of emotional abuse, but resources can be found. You can call the domestic violence hotline at 18001768 for advice and support. In the US, you can contact the national violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
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This article was co-written by Nicpe Barile, PhD, NTP. Nicpe Lippman-Barile is a clinical psychologist and nutritionist practicing in New York. As a psychologist, she specializes in the treatment of anxiety, mood disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder and other related disorders. As a registered dietitian, Lippman-Barile specializes in the treatment of blood sugar disorders, digestive health and food-related mood disorders. She holds a doctorate in clinical psychology from Hofstra University and a certificate as a registered dietitian from the Society for Therapeutic Nutrition.
Someone’s silence can be very frustrating, especially when you’re trying to have a romantic conversation with them. You may feel frustrated when things start to get tense and they remain silent. The important thing right now is to give yourself space and take care of your needs. We’ll walk you through how to deal with this situation so you can have a good and productive conversation.
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