How to deal with emotional abuse by your parents

Violence isn’t just about bruises and bruises. There are types of verbal abuse, and they are much more common than physical abuse. Not only that, but they also hurt children to the same extent, if not more, than physical abuse. Emotional abuse can have negative long-term consequences on health and social, emotional and physical development. If you’re experiencing emotional abuse from a parent, we’ve found the most effective approach you can take is to set boundaries for yourself and keep your distance if possible. In addition, you can also talk to others about your current difficult situation. Learning how to manage stress and boost your self-esteem will also help you cope now and in the long run.

Table of Contents

Looking for help

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Share experiences with friends and family. You will find comfort in having someone to lean on during abuse. Talk to them and ask for help. They can comfort you with positive words, acknowledge your feelings, or give you advice. ^{[1] X Research Source}

For example, you could say, “I know this might shock you, but my home life sucks. My mom always raised her voice at me and told me that growing up I wouldn’t be of any use. Even though it’s just words, it makes me feel so bad about myself.”
Remember that emotional abuse is often associated with people brainwashing you into believing that no one cares, trusts or values you. However, you will be surprised to know how much support you will receive when you share your feelings with others.

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Talk to a trusted adult. If you are young and are experiencing any form of domestic violence, reach out to a loved one, teacher or any adult you trust. Don’t let your parents threaten and force you to keep it a secret. An adult can intervene in situations where children are unable to resist. ^{[2] X Research Source}

You may feel embarrassed or ashamed to tell everything, but it is important that you tell others about your abuse. Start with something like, “I’ve been having problems at home lately. Can I talk to you about that?” ^{[3] X Research Source} Or you can write about your feelings if that feels more comfortable.
If you have told a teacher or coach that they are not helping, schedule a meeting with the school counselor and tell them. ^{[4] X Research Sources}
If you don’t want to tell anyone about your abuse, you can call the 1-800-4-A-CHILD hotline in the US. This line is free, confidential and is open 24 hours a day. In Vietnam, call 111 to report cases of child abuse and abuse (instead of the former child support line 18001567).

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Mental health treatment. Emotional abuse can do a lot of damage. If left untreated, you are at a higher risk of low self-esteem, and you may also have difficulty forming other healthy relationships. It is difficult to break the negative beliefs and thinking patterns that result from emotional abuse, but a counselor or therapist can make the process easier. ^{[5] X Trusted Source Child Welfare Information Gateway Go to source}

Find a therapist who specializes in child or adult abuse cases. During therapy, you will share your experiences as you gradually become more comfortable with the therapist. They will ask questions and provide perspective to guide your therapy sessions.
If you are a child, remember that most schools offer free and confidential counseling. Go to your school counselor and say, “I have some problems at home. My father didn’t beat me up, but he used to call me bad names and put me down in front of the rest of the family. Can you help me?”
If you are an adult, be sure to pay attention to what your health insurance may cover.
Many therapists will allow you to pay cash out of pocket, with costs based on a readily available matching scale.

Keep distance

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Refusing to be present during verbal abuse. Don’t hang around when they start abusing you. You are under no obligation to stay, call, visit or expose yourself to violence of any kind. Don’t let your parents make you feel responsible for this abuse. You need to set boundaries and stick to them. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Stop visiting or calling if they abuse you.
If you live with them, retreat to your room or to a friend’s house if they yell at you or insult you.
Set limits if you have to stay in touch. Say, “I’ll call once a week, but I’ll hang up right away if you insult me.”
Remember that you don’t have to get into a brawl if you don’t want to. You don’t have to respond to what they say or try to defend yourself in any way.

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Try to be financially independent. Don’t live with your parents when they abuse you emotionally, and don’t give them the right to oppress you. Abusers will often maintain control by creating dependence. Make your own money, have your own friends and live independently. Don’t depend on your parents for anything.

Go to school if you can. You can research applying for a loan to go to school without your parents. This usually requires you to provide a certificate from a psychologist, confirming that your parents abused you.
Move out as soon as you can become financially independent.
If you can’t afford to finish college and have to live with or depend on your parents, make sure you take care of yourself and set boundaries.

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Consider giving up. You may feel compelled to be filial to your parents. However, if you’ve been abused by your parents, caring for your mentally challenged person can be extremely stressful, especially if the abuse hasn’t ended. Consider leaving your parents if the relationship is more painful than loving. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

You have no obligation to take care of those who have been abusing you.
If people don’t understand why you’re leaving your parents, you’re not obligated to explain it to them either.
“Close the past” is sometimes not possible when talking to parents. If you don’t want to communicate with them but are afraid of missing out, ask yourself: have they shown that they are willing to listen? Did they pay attention to their feelings? If not, it’s best not to contact them.
If you decide to take care of your parents to some extent, focus only on that. If they begin to insult or verbally abuse you, walk away immediately to make it clear that you don’t approve of that type of behavior.

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Protect your children. Don’t let them go through the same things you did. If your parent scolds or speaks harshly to your child, intervene immediately. Either end the conversation, or stop visiting them.

You can end the conversation by saying, “We don’t talk to Mai that way. If you don’t feel okay with the way you eat, tell me.” While most adult-to-adult conversations should be private, children need to see you protect them in the event of abuse.
Your children will have a happier childhood if they are not emotionally abused by their grandparents.

Take care of yourself

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Avoiding triggers for the abuser. You may already be aware of what ‘triggers’ (words or actions) can make a parent angry. If you already know that, it may be easier to avoid them or avoid your parents. You can chat with friends or take notes to identify triggers for parents.

For example, if your mom always scolds you every time she drinks, get out of the house as soon as you see her pouring.
If your father despises your accomplishments, stop telling him about your successes. Instead, tell people who support you.

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Find safe places in the house. Look for places (like your bedroom, for example) to make a safe haven. Find another place to hang out, work and spend time like the library or a friend’s house. Not only will you gain the support of your friends at this point, but you will also avoid the accusations and disparagement of your parents.

While it’s important to protect yourself from abuse, you should know that it’s not your fault. No matter what you say or do, your parents should not use that as an excuse to torture you mentally.

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Plan to stay safe. While this is not physical abuse, that doesn’t mean stress won’t increase. Make a plan to stay safe in the event that a parent uses force and you see your life in danger.

A plan to stay safe includes: having a safe place to go, having someone to call for help, and knowing how to get legal help in case of need. You can sit down with another adult, such as a school counselor, and plan together so you can be prepared in the event of a crisis. ^{[8] X Trusted Source National Domestic Vipence Hotline Go to source}
A safety plan can also include keeping your cell phone fully charged and within reach at all times, and keeping your car keys with you at all times.

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Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Having a healthy self-esteem is the best antidote to emotional abuse. Unfortunately, people who experience emotional abuse are very pessimistic about themselves, and they always get into relationships with abusive people. To combat low self-esteem, surround yourself with kind people who lift you up instead of bringing you down. ^{[9] X Research Source}

You can also build your self-esteem by participating in activities that you do well. It could be a school or community sports or youth team. This will both help you feel better and get you out of the house more.

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Set personal boundaries with parents. You have the right to set boundaries in relationships. If you feel safe, sit down with your parents and tell them what behaviors you approve or disapprove of. ^{[10] X Research Source}

When explaining those boundaries, decide what the consequences will be if the parent ignores them. Certain types of abusers may not respect your personal boundaries. If this happens, don’t feel guilty about carrying out your warning. ^{[11] X Source of Research} It’s important that you do what you’re warned about, as mere threats will only further discredit you with the abuser.
For example, you could say, “Mom, if you come home drunk and yell at me again, I’ll go live with Grandma. I really want to be with you, but your behavior scares me.”

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Learn stress management skills. Emotional abuse inevitably causes a lot of stress, and sometimes it can have long-term consequences like post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. You need to prepare yourself for stress management skills with positive activities.

Healthy stress management habits like meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help you feel calmer and more focused each day. If you have more severe symptoms of stress, seeing a therapist can be a good way to manage stress and other emotions. ^{[12] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to source}

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Recognize and focus on the good qualities. No matter how bad your parents say about you, you are still a precious person with good qualities. Don’t listen to their slander and disparagement. You may have to think about this for a while, but it’s important to build self-esteem and love yourself – especially if you didn’t receive love from your parents.

Think about what you like about yourself – are you a good listener? Are you generous? Smart? Focus on what you like about yourself, and remind yourself that you deserve love, respect, and care. ^{[13] X Research Source}
Make sure you engage in activities you enjoy and are capable of doing well to boost your self-esteem and confidence.

Identifying mental abuse

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Know the risk factors for abuse. Emotional abuse can happen in any family. However, there are a number of factors that increase the risk of emotional or physical abuse against children. Children of people who abuse alcohol or drugs, have an untreated mental illness such as bipolar disorder or depression, or experienced abuse as a child, are at increased risk of becoming a victim of abuse. state of violence. ^{[14] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

Many abusive parents do not realize that their actions have hurt their children. Maybe they don’t know a better parenting method, or they don’t realize that venting their anger on their child is abusive.
Even if parents have good intentions, they can still be abusive.

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Recognizing when being humiliated or belittled by a parent. The abuser may say it’s a joke, but this type of abuse is not something to laugh about. If your parents regularly make fun of you, put you down in front of others, or ignore your ideas and concerns, you are indeed experiencing emotional abuse. ^{[15] X Research Source}

For example, if your father said, “You’re trash. I swear you’re not doing anything”, this is verbal abuse.
Parents may do this when no one or other people are present, making you feel very bad about yourself.

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Determine how often you feel controlled by your parents. If your parents are always trying to control every little thing you do, get angry when you make your own decisions, or belittle your abilities and will, their behavior is a manifestation of abuse.

Abusers of this type often treat their victims as if they were incompetent, unable to make good choices or take responsibility for themselves. ^{[16] X Research Source}
Your parents may find a way to make decisions for you. For example, your mother might go to school and ask your career counselor about a college you don’t want to apply to.
Parents may feel certain that they are just “raising” you, but this is abuse.

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Ask yourself how often you are blamed or scolded for doing things wrong. Some people have unbelievably high expectations for their victims but never admit when they make a mistake.

Abusers of this type can always find a way to blame you for everything, even things that a reasonable person would never criticize. They may say that you are the cause of their problems, so they can avoid responsibility for themselves and their feelings. ^{[17] X Research Source} They will also hold you accountable for their feelings.
For example, if your mother blames you for being born for her singing career, she’s blaming you for something you’re not at fault for.
If your parents say their marriage fell apart “because of the kids,” they are berating you for their poor ability to organize their lives.
Blaming others for things they didn’t do is abuse.

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Notice how often you are penalized for being silent. Parents who distance themselves from their children and fail to provide the emotional closeness they need is also considered child abuse.

Do your parents ignore you when you do something that upsets them? Do they show little interest in your activities and feelings, or intentionally blame you for the separation? ^{[18] X Research Sources}
Love is not something you have to fight for. This is violence.

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Think about whether your parents care about what’s best for you. Some parents, especially those with narcissistic tendencies, may just see you as their jewel. These people don’t want the best for you, even if they believe they care about their children.

Some signs of this parenting include: not respecting your boundaries, deliberately manipulating you into what they consider “best,” and feeling upset when you don’t live up to your standards. their harsh standards. ^{[19] X Research Source}
They also often feel uncomfortable when you attract attention, and they will try to focus everything on them.
For example, a single parent might say, “Well, you need to go out with your friends and I have to sit at home alone. I always neglect my mother.” This is a form of violence.

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Recognize normal parenting behavior. Children and adolescents will sometimes make mistakes; It’s human nature and part of growing up. At times when you need guidance, support, or discipline, parents are forced to step in. It is important that you distinguish discipline from abusive behavior.

In general, you can tell the difference between abuse and discipline in a parent’s upbringing by the level of anger they express. Often your parents will get angry or upset when you break the rules.
However, if anger is the driving force behind behavior or punishment, your parents are more likely to become abusive towards you. Violence includes words or actions done in a rough, deliberate and intentional way that causes harm. ^{[20] X Research Sources}
While you may not like harsh discipline, understand that parents impose rules and issue warnings to protect you, directing you towards positive growth.
You can look at your friends who have a good relationship with their parents. What characteristics do these relationships have? What kind of support and discipline did their parents provide?

Steps

Looking for help

Keep distance

Take care of yourself

Identifying mental abuse

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