How to Deal with Disappointment in a Relationship

Write down your thoughts. If you can’t get over your frustration, it’s important to make things clear to others. Having a frank conversation about how someone has hurt or upset you can be difficult. So, before you do that, it’s a good idea to write down your feelings so that your thoughts are somewhat organized when entering the conversation. ^[9]

• Try to write down your feelings. After pouring all of your feelings onto the page, consider the best way to put them into words. Organize your thoughts and link them to make them understandable to others. ^[10]
• At the same time, keep your goals in mind. You want an apology? Or do you want the person to clearly explain their actions? Would you like the person to adjust their attitude in the future? Answering these questions will help guide you as you write. ^[11]

Please sympathize. When planning to have a difficult conversation with someone, do it with empathy. This way, you won’t become belligerent in the discussion. Try to consider the other person’s point of view as much as possible. Be willing to listen to their views and consider them sincerely. Remember, the point of conversation is to solve problems, not win. Every story has two dimensions and it is important to be receptive to the other person’s point of view. ^[12]

Don’t have expectations when entering a conversation. You should remove any possible expectations when entering the chat. If you expect things to go a certain way, you may feel disappointed or discouraged when it turns out differently. Let the discussion be open, natural. Remember that you don’t know how other people feel. Prediction will not do any good. ^[13]

Use the “I” statement. The “I” statement is an expression that emphasizes personal feelings rather than objective facts. When using the “I” statement, you put your feelings as the main point of the sentence. You don’t blame or judge a person for their actions. You are simply expressing how and why those actions made you feel.

• The “I” statement has three parts. They begin with “I feel” and are followed by your feelings. Next, you explain the action that led to the feeling. Finally, state why you feel this way. ^[14]
• The important thing about the “I” statement is that it minimizes blame and judgment. You are not saying that the listener was wrong. Instead, you express how you feel from their actions. For example, when you’re feeling upset, you might want to tell your boyfriend something like, “You keep us running late for dates and that makes me so frustrated.” ^[15]
• The above sentence can be easily restated with the statement “I”. Your boyfriend will feel less judged and will listen more to your point of view when he understands that he has hurt you. Using the “I” statement, you can say things like: “I get frustrated every time we’re late for appointments because I feel like you don’t seem to care about my desire to see my friends. me”. ^[16]

Listen to the other person’s point of view. Once you’ve expressed your feelings, listen to the other person’s point of view. Even if their attitude disappoints you, there may be a lot of things you don’t understand. Try to be positive. The goal of the conversation is to heal and improve. ^[17]

• Going back to the example above, maybe the problem is simply that your boyfriend understands the date differently than you do. Maybe he will reply, “Maybe I didn’t know that 7 o’clock means exactly 7 o’clock. Whenever we get together, me and my friends often give a timeline and people can come early or late. rather, at that hour.”
• The conversation should focus on the problem, not the disrespect. Maybe your boyfriend simply understands more flexible appointment times. In the future, try to be clear at times when you need to be precise about the time.

Review your expectations. At times, we can have unrealistic expectations in a relationship. If you feel very disappointed with someone, review your own expectations. Can you spot any potentially unrealistic points? ^[18]

• Often, our expectations can be formed based on past relationships. For example, your ex-girlfriend once moved to town to be near you. She doesn’t have many friends here, and so the two of you usually do things together. The new girlfriend has only moved to this city for a while. Maybe she’ll go out more and be less dependent on you to fit in and have fun in her new environment. By assuming that both of you are always on the same page, you may be imposing an expectation from an old relationship. It doesn’t really make sense in this situation. ^[19]
• You may also have unrealistic expectations in other ways. For example, your girlfriend might answer “maybe” when you ask her if she wants to go somewhere for the evening. To you, “maybe” means “maybe” or “surely”. You will always feel frustrated when your girlfriend announces that she can’t go. Perhaps your expectations are not realistic. Many people, especially busy people, have some days that they just can’t manage. Start by seeing what’s possible and determining that it’s likely you’ll have to find something else to do that night. ^[20]

Adjust expectations as needed. If there’s a chance that your expectations aren’t reasonable, find ways to adjust them. Sometimes, you’ll be less disappointed in the future if you learn to accept certain things about others.

• Let’s review the example above. Your new girlfriend is clearly more independent. She has her own life, career, and social relationships. Maybe she’s not the type to need a lover to feel complete.
• In this case, try to adjust your expectations of a romantic relationship. In this relationship, you probably won’t be together all of your free time. Your girlfriend will probably see her friends several times a week. Try to accept that that’s her personality and that it’s not such a bad thing. The next time she goes out for drinks with a coworker, you might be less disappointed that she can’t stop by and watch a movie together after work. ^[21]

Try one more time. Once you’ve adjusted your expectations, try again, but in a different way. In any relationship, you must be willing to compromise. If a friend, relative or lover behaves differently from you, it’s important to respect that. Let’s continue the relationship with somewhat adjusted expectations. Try to accept the other person’s point of view and be more forthright in expressing your wants and needs. ^[22]

See the overall picture. After reeling from frustration, it can be easy to get stuck and not get over something. However, consider the overall picture. Is this relationship important to you? Are the good things that person brings to your life enough to make up for the bad? If so, is the occasional disappointment worth fretting over? Everyone lets someone down at one time or another, and it’s usually by accident. Try to let go and move forward. ^[23]