How to Deal with Disappointment in a Relationship

Feeling frustrated in a relationship is completely normal. When expectations are not met, you may feel frustrated. However, disappointments are not uncommon and you can certainly handle them constructively. For starters, control your emotions when you’re feeling down. Once you’ve calmed down, talk to someone else so that together you can find a way to solve the problem.

Table of Contents

Coping With Disappointment

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Control your emotions. As soon as you feel down, controlling your emotions is very important. Whether it’s good or bad, you need to identify your own feelings so you can handle the situation.

Take a day or so to reflect on your emotional response to disappointment. You don’t necessarily have to act on emotions at that moment. In fact, doing nothing is the best thing to do. You can simply give yourself a quiet day to reflect on how you feel. Do you feel angry? Distraught? Scared? Keep a status diary, documenting how and why disappointment brings you to these feelings. ^{[1] X Research Source}
Feeling an emotional reaction to an event is very important. It can give you insight into what something means to you. If you’re just a little upset when your boyfriend cancels your date at the last minute, you’re probably not too disappointed. However, if you feel crazy about it all day, it may contain deeper issues that need your attention. ^{[2] X Research Source}

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Try not to personalize the issue. While disappointment may seem very personal, it’s not always about you. Try not to make someone else’s shortcomings your own, even though it can be difficult. It doesn’t necessarily reflect how others feel about you.

Many people tend to be subjective about the difficulties in life. You may think that when someone else lets you down, you must have done something to get it. You may think you deserve it, invite it, or simply aren’t good enough to get better results. ^{[3] X Research Sources}
Try to get rid of that negativity. It causes your vision to be narrow in the incorrect way of seeing. There are many factors that can lead to disappointment. People who let you down never mean to hurt you. Before personalizing frustration, consider every aspect involved. ^{[4] X Research Sources}
Remind yourself that you don’t have all the information. The sudden cancellation of a close friend’s lunch date can be frustrating. However, maybe she is having a bad day. Maybe she has a frustration of her own, at work or in her personal life, and it affects her mood. Maybe she just wants some alone time. While it’s okay to feel frustrated, try to remember that you don’t know everything. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

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Put yourself in the other person’s place. Often, when we are frustrated, we tell ourselves similar affirmations like, “I would never do that to other people.” Is that true? In fact, we are all always disappointing others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. When it comes to other people’s situations, put yourself in their shoes. In that case, how would you behave? ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Let’s consider a situation where you feel frustrated because a friend comes to the club without asking you to come along. The two of you had planned to stay home to watch a movie, but a coworker with whom your friend wanted to establish a closer relationship asked her out at the last minute. It might hurt at first, maybe to you, she behaved badly and you never will. ^{[7] X Research Sources}
However, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. For example, she is new to this city. She has been having trouble making friends for a while and to some extent, she feels lonely. Perhaps in this situation, she is afraid of offending her colleagues and missing the opportunity to integrate into the new environment. Also, see yourself from her point of view. Are you interested in the club? If not, she may have decided that it’s best not to ask you to come along because you won’t be happy going there.

Straight Talk

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Write down your thoughts. If you can’t get over your frustration, it’s important to make things clear to others. Having a frank conversation about how someone has hurt or upset you can be difficult. So, before you do that, it’s a good idea to write down your feelings so that your thoughts are somewhat organized when entering the conversation. ^{[9] X Research Source}

Try to write down your feelings. After pouring all of your feelings onto the page, consider the best way to put them into words. Organize your thoughts and link them to make them understandable to others. ^{[10] X Research Source}
At the same time, keep your goals in mind. You want an apology? Or do you want the person to clearly explain their actions? Would you like the person to adjust their attitude in the future? Answering these questions will help guide you as you write. ^{[11] X Research Source}

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Please sympathize. When planning to have a difficult conversation with someone, do it with empathy. This way, you won’t become belligerent in the discussion. Try to consider the other person’s point of view as much as possible. Be willing to listen to their views and consider them sincerely. Remember, the point of conversation is to solve problems, not win. Every story has two dimensions and it is important to be receptive to the other person’s point of view. ^{[12] X Research Source}

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Don’t have expectations when entering a conversation. You should remove any possible expectations when entering the chat. If you expect things to go a certain way, you may feel disappointed or discouraged when it turns out differently. Let the discussion be open, natural. Remember that you don’t know how other people feel. Prediction will not do any good. ^{[13] X Research Source}

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Use the “I” statement. The “I” statement is an expression that emphasizes personal feelings rather than objective facts. When using the “I” statement, you put your feelings as the main point of the sentence. You don’t blame or judge a person for their actions. You are simply expressing how and why those actions made you feel.

The “I” statement has three parts. They begin with “I feel” and are followed by your feelings. Next, you explain the action that led to the feeling. Finally, state why you feel this way. ^{[14] X Research Source}
The important thing about the “I” statement is that it minimizes blame and judgment. You are not saying that the listener was wrong. Instead, you express how you feel from their actions. For example, when you’re feeling upset, you might want to tell your boyfriend something like, “You keep us running late for dates and that makes me so frustrated.” ^{[15] X Research Source}
The above sentence can be easily restated with the statement “I”. Your boyfriend will feel less judged and will listen more to your point of view when he understands that he has hurt you. Using the “I” statement, you can say things like: “I get frustrated every time we’re late for appointments because I feel like you don’t seem to care about my desire to see my friends. me”. ^{[16] X Research Source}

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Listen to the other person’s point of view. Once you’ve expressed your feelings, listen to the other person’s point of view. Even if their attitude disappoints you, there may be a lot of things you don’t understand. Try to be positive. The goal of the conversation is to heal and improve. ^{[17] X Research Source}

Going back to the example above, maybe the problem is simply that your boyfriend understands the date differently than you do. Maybe he will reply, “Maybe I didn’t know that 7 o’clock means exactly 7 o’clock. Whenever we get together, me and my friends often give a timeline and people can come early or late. rather, at that hour.”
The conversation should focus on the problem, not the disrespect. Maybe your boyfriend simply understands more flexible appointment times. In the future, try to be clear at times when you need to be precise about the time.

Looking Forward

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Review your expectations. At times, we can have unrealistic expectations in a relationship. If you feel very disappointed with someone, review your own expectations. Can you spot any potentially unrealistic points? ^{[18] X Research Sources}

Often, our expectations can be formed based on past relationships. For example, your ex-girlfriend once moved to town to be near you. She doesn’t have many friends here, and so the two of you usually do things together. The new girlfriend has only moved to this city for a while. Maybe she’ll go out more and be less dependent on you to fit in and have fun in her new environment. By assuming that both of you are always on the same page, you may be imposing an expectation from an old relationship. It doesn’t really make sense in this situation. ^{[19] X Research Source}
You may also have unrealistic expectations in other ways. For example, your girlfriend might answer “maybe” when you ask her if she wants to go somewhere for the evening. To you, “maybe” means “maybe” or “surely”. You will always feel frustrated when your girlfriend announces that she can’t go. Perhaps your expectations are not realistic. Many people, especially busy people, have some days that they just can’t manage. Start by seeing what’s possible and determining that it’s likely you’ll have to find something else to do that night. ^{[20] X Research Source}

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Adjust expectations as needed. If there’s a chance that your expectations aren’t reasonable, find ways to adjust them. Sometimes, you’ll be less disappointed in the future if you learn to accept certain things about others.

Let’s review the example above. Your new girlfriend is clearly more independent. She has her own life, career, and social relationships. Maybe she’s not the type to need a lover to feel complete.
In this case, try to adjust your expectations of a romantic relationship. In this relationship, you probably won’t be together all of your free time. Your girlfriend will probably see her friends several times a week. Try to accept that that’s her personality and that it’s not such a bad thing. The next time she goes out for drinks with a coworker, you might be less disappointed that she can’t stop by and watch a movie together after work. ^{[21] X Research Source}

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Try one more time. Once you’ve adjusted your expectations, try again, but in a different way. In any relationship, you must be willing to compromise. If a friend, relative or lover behaves differently from you, it’s important to respect that. Let’s continue the relationship with somewhat adjusted expectations. Try to accept the other person’s point of view and be more forthright in expressing your wants and needs. ^{[22] X Research Source}

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage and family therapist

Moshe Ratson is the CEO of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a training and therapy clinic in New York City. He received his Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona University and has been in therapy for over 10 years.

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage and family therapist

Try counseling if you need help moving forward. Marriage & family therapist and therapist Moshe Ratson says, “I recommend that everyone attend marriage counseling, as it helps you learn relationship skills that you can’t find anywhere else. It won’t erase the challenges you face, but it will give you the skill to deal with difficult situations in a better way.”

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See the overall picture. After reeling from frustration, it can be easy to get stuck and not get over something. However, consider the overall picture. Is this relationship important to you? Are the good things that person brings to your life enough to make up for the bad? If so, is the occasional disappointment worth fretting over? Everyone lets someone down at one time or another, and it’s usually by accident. Try to let go and move forward. ^{[23] X Research Sources}

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Accept the change in the relationship. Often, feelings of disappointment in relationships stem from the fact that they are not what they used to be. Maybe you are holding onto expectations from the past that are no longer relevant. Or allow the relationship to progress and accept that changes are not necessarily a bad sign in a relationship.

For example, look at a typical romantic relationship. In the beginning, you will probably have more sex, spend a lot of time together, and keep talking. As the relationship develops further, things can become calmer. For example, you may experience quiet moments together and have sex less often.
It’s natural for the excitement in a new romantic relationship to fade over time. The intensity of the first few months of dating usually calms down. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. While you may miss the fervor of being in love, becoming a habit has its benefits. You will feel more comfortable together. You can all be yourself. Try to see the change in the relationship as a sign of stability rather than a deadlock.

Warning

While it’s important to understand the other person’s perspective, if someone continues to let you down and doesn’t seem to feel guilty after all, ending the relationship is probably the best thing to do. You don’t deserve to continue to receive that disrespect.

Steps

Coping With Disappointment

Straight Talk

Looking Forward

Warning

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