How to Deal with Controlling People

Controlling people are hard to deal with. They are very skillful in controlling and making you feel isolated from others. Fortunately, hard to deal with doesn’t mean impossible. You need to stay calm and not react immediately. Next, draw personal boundaries so that person doesn’t push you out of your comfort zone again. Remember to control your emotions. You’ll have to take care of yourself more so you don’t get ruined by a controlling person.

Table of Contents

Coping with a difficult situation

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Don’t react to their negative behavior. What the control freak wants is your reaction. And whether you protest or criticize, they don’t behave any better. On the other hand, if you get angry or respond with aggression, the fire will flare up. Instead of both getting angry in vain, you should try to stay calm. ^{[1] X Research Source}

For example, you live with your boyfriend and one day you start to have problems because you don’t hang your towel in the place he specified after taking a shower, you need to speak up firmly and start a conversation. talk about this issue. Just keep the air mild.
You could say, “I know you want your scarf to hang in the front. But I want to hang it here because _____. Can you change it for me, or I’ll hang it somewhere else convenient for you and let you go?” This place is for you.”
However, you need to stay calm if the person tries to change the established boundaries. For example, “We agreed that _______ last week, remember?”

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Try to empathize. While we don’t need to justify other people’s bad behavior, it’s better if you at least know the cause. People with control problems often have hidden feelings. You will find the most effective way to reach them if you understand this. Try to find out what they really get when they control others. ^{[2] X Research Source}

For example, you live with a girlfriend who is very controlling. One day she saw that you left some trash on the kitchen because you were busy on the phone. She will ask, “Why don’t you clear your battlefield and then answer the phone?”
Clutter is not the real issue here. The cause is often deeper than that, whether she has a controlling or anxious parent, or her family values the values that manifest in certain behaviors, if so then this is certainly the root cause. source of that behavior.
Asking her why your sequence of actions is such a big deal to her will help you better understand the problem and provide the necessary information in a timely manner. Others may not see what you take for granted.
For example, you could say, “Is there something in particular that you want me to clean up before answering the phone?”
Or, “I know you don’t like messing around. Suddenly the phone rings so I have to answer. I’ll clean up after I’m done with the call.”

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Limit controversy. Controlling people love to argue. They want nothing more than to bring others into a war of words that seems to go nowhere. They need a sense of victory. By avoiding any arguments with them, you will not give them satisfaction. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

Simply refuse to argue. For example, if your partner is going to get into an argument with you, say, “It’s true that you and I need to talk about this, but maybe not when we’re both angry. Can we talk tomorrow night?”
In the long run, you need to identify potential problems in the relationship and establish personal boundaries.

Set clear boundaries

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You should remember that you also have basic rights. In any given situation, you still have some rights. Don’t forget about those benefits just because you’re dealing with a difficult person. Controlling people have a way of getting into your head and making you forget about basic human rights. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated kindly. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

We all have the right to be respected, to express our personal opinions as well as separate views, to say “no” without feeling guilty.
Sometimes we forget we have these rights when we are faced with a controlling person for a long time. Before you approach anyone you should remind yourself of those rights. Keep it in mind to establish personal boundaries.
For example, your controlling boyfriend wants you to spend time with him instead of hanging out with your friends. If one night you don’t want to stay home and watch a movie with your boyfriend, he’ll make you feel guilty about it. If you’re ready to reinforce personal boundaries, think, “I have the right to say no without guilt.”

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Tell yourself that you are in control of the situation. Before setting personal boundaries, you need to regain control. While we cannot control the negative behavior of others, we can control our reactions to them. In terms of approaching personal boundaries, you have many choices such as: ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Usually, most of us choose to smile and endure when dealing with people who like to control. You can also do the same to avoid the person. For example, limit going to family gatherings if you know your powerful dad is also there.
Get rid of the frameworks. Think, “I’m in control of what’s going on. I don’t want to be confined.” Decide that you will strengthen your own freedom and demand respect.

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Clearly define limits. Controlling people love to break the boundaries of others. Let them know what your limits are. Clearly state what behaviors are acceptable and which are unacceptable. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Realize when you’ve reached your limit. For some minor issues, like setting up a place for dishes or dirty clothes, you can agree. However, there are other issues that can upset you.
Think about actions that go beyond common sense. For example, you don’t mind putting your phone away every time you go on a date with your boyfriend. However, he wants you to cut off all contact even if the two of you are just walking around the park near your house. Now you need to let him know that it makes no sense to you.

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Clearly define your boundaries. You need to be clear in your personal boundaries. Maybe it’s a good idea to put it on paper and show it to someone who likes to control. Make your limits as clear as possible. In a firm tone, tell the person what you can and cannot tolerate in the future. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

By nature, people who like to be in control are often very demanding. They will do anything to ignore or misunderstand your boundaries. So you have to be very clear when setting personal limits.
If your boyfriend is very controlling, you need to draw personal boundaries by saying something like, “I won’t turn off my phone most of the time we see each other, because I’m coming over to your house to hang out. I’m more than at home. I’m willing to put my phone aside when you and I are dating or watching movies, but not always. That’s the deal.”

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Be consistent when needed. Controlling people won’t accept boundaries easily. They are willing to push others out of their comfort zone so that they can feel safe. Therefore, you must remind them of your personal rights when necessary. Be clear and firm if your personal boundaries are violated. ^{[9] X Research Source}

Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Being assertive means that you respectfully let the person know that they are trespassing on your personal boundaries. Stay calm and remind yourself whenever problems arise.
For example, you and your boyfriend are sitting in the room watching TV. You have a text message on your phone, you answer it and he gets angry. He was like, “You’re being rude. I’m sitting right here.”
Do not react impatiently. Answering something like, “What’s wrong with you, I was just texting” will only add to the tension. Instead, stay calm and respectfully say, “We’ve already talked about this. I don’t need your full attention right now, so you have the right to reply. I’ll watch the show with you then.”

Managing emotions

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Don’t have unrealistic expectations. Difficult and controlling people are often extremely difficult to change. Despite strengthening your personal boundaries, you still find yourself regularly engaged in power struggles. The higher the hope, the higher the disappointment. We all have problems with controlling people, so don’t expect big changes. ^{[10] X Research Source}

You cannot change others. Even if you recognize their bad behavior, it’s not easy for a controlling person to change unless they want to. So when dealing with that person, do not forget to re-establish personal boundaries and ignore harsh words.

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Remind yourself that it’s not your problem. Controlling people have their own underlying problems, such as an insecurity tendency that manifests in the need to control others. Every time you deal with a controlling person, remind yourself that this has nothing to do with you. You clearly did nothing wrong. It’s just that this person has an overwhelming need for control. ^{[11] X Research Source}

In case you know why your partner wants to control, remind yourself to remember who the problem comes from.
For example, “In the past, my grandfather was very strict with me, so I did not trust my career direction. The problem was not with me, but with me.”

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Take care of yourself. This is especially important if you are in constant contact with a controlling person. For example, if you love or live with such a person, remind yourself that you need to take care of yourself more. Sometimes you get so busy prioritizing the needs of the controlling person that you forget about your own. ^{[12] X Research Source}

You have the right to take care of yourself. You are allowed to give yourself time to exercise, eat right, enjoy interesting hobbies, and do things that make you happy.
Make time for personal needs, even if you have to go against someone who likes to control you. For example, you need to get enough sleep because you have to go to work early tomorrow morning. But your lover wants you to stay up while he sleeps very late. Even if he insists, you just go to bed and remind him that you still have to get up early to go to work.

Advice

Don’t let others tell you how to manage or spend your money unless you hire them to manage it. In a marriage, both husband and wife have equal decision-making power over family finances, and this is always negotiable.
Focus on the positives and they will help you deal with the person.
Most of the responses to dealing with a controlling person are counter-control and passive aggression. While it is easier to follow the wishes of others without judgment, you need to consider each request separately to see if they are reasonable. For example, if a friend asks you to stop fiddling with your phone because the two of you are talking, it’s not too much of a problem. Or, if you’re still texting unnecessarily while you and your lover are watching a movie, you’re being a bit rude.

Warning

We can still manage controlling and/or manipulative relationships from time to time; However, if you let it get out of hand or your partner is too strong and persistent, your other relationships with family and friends could be ruined.

Steps

Coping with a difficult situation

Set clear boundaries

Managing emotions

Advice

Warning

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