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This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter Cplege in 2006 and works with clients to help transform their circumstances and lives.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,637 times.
Codependency is a behavior that people learn from each other, and it often happens in families. Once ingrained in xinxing, it can be passed down through the generations. In essence, codependency is a behavioral problem that affects a person’s ability to build healthy and mutually beneficial relationships. If someone in your family is codependent, you may feel suffocated or manipulated. Breaking this vicious circle can be quite difficult. You can get over it, though, as long as you recognize and separate yourself from codependent behaviors.
Steps
Interacting with family members
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Recognizing codependent behavior through books. To recognize codependency, you need to know what it looks like. Doing this for yourself will not only help you see if your family member fits the description, it will also help you understand their mentality. Only a mental health professional can diagnose codependency, but some telltale symptoms include: [1] X Source of Research
- Poor self-esteem
- Always try to make others happy
- Little or no personal boundaries
- Use care as a control tool
- Feeling miserable
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Understand that you cannot cure a family member’s codependency. Codependency is a mental illness. Like any other mental illness, you cannot cure or eliminate it completely. Your family members may not even realize it’s a problem, and instead assume they’re getting along very well with you and the rest of the family. [2] X Research Source
- Don’t expect the person to recognize their behavior as codependent, unless they conclude so on their own. Trying to force them to see things from your perspective can only make things worse.
- Currently, this condition can be improved through psychotherapy. However, your loved one may not seek treatment on their own until they realize they have no other options.
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Consider the source that leads to codependency. Usually you won’t feel like you’re suffering from emotional manipulation by any means. However, you also need to understand that the person being codependent may not know that they are manipulating you. In their mind, they always assume that they support you and do what’s best for you. When you understand whether the person is manipulating you intentionally or unintentionally, it’s easier to figure out how you’d like to interact with them. [3] X Research Sources
- Do not use this to try and correct their behavior in your own mind. You just have to remember that the person with codependency doesn’t have the same way of working their mind as you do. Their actions are influenced by psychological problems.
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Consider whether you influence codependency behavior. In some cases, codependency can be a response to trying to atone for someone else’s behavior but with worse consequences. Honestly think about whether you are involved in any activity or behavior that makes the person’s codependency worse. [4] X Research Sources
- For example, codependency often occurs with addicted parents and spouses. People with codependency may feel obligated to take care of the addict, because they fear what might happen if they don’t.
- Think honestly about what behaviors and tendencies you have that make the person’s codependency worse. If so, you may be part of a codependent relationship.
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Separate from family. Leaving doesn’t mean you’ll never see or talk to that person again. Instead, this means separating family members from their manipulative behaviors. Respond selectively only to things that are their personality, and ignore things about codependency. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, if your mother asks you for your opinion on fashionable footwear, this is a normal and healthy interaction. If she comes to your house to change all your shoes because she believes they don’t support her feet well, this is codependency behavior.
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Set personal boundaries. You may or may not inform your family members of these boundaries. However, you should take the time to set boundaries that you are comfortable with. Consider your personal health and ask yourself what you need to stay physically and mentally healthy on a daily basis. Set your boundaries based on those. [6] X Research Sources
- For example, if you really need every night of the week to relax and be alone, set a boundary that you won’t answer your phone, text, or use social media after a certain hour in the day. day.
- If you want to let family members know about your boundaries, state them as a fact. You don’t have to find a way to streamline those things. Just tell them, “I’ve decided not to use my phone or computer after 7pm.” Then stick to this rule whether they agree or not.
Free yourself from co-dependency situations
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Find the right way to say no. Part of codependent relationships is familiarity and “arousal”. So, in some situations, it’s a good idea to reject and stay away from codependent people in your home, at least temporarily. The right way to say no will depend on the situation, but when things get nasty, you should walk away. [7] X Research Sources
- In some cases, when codependent behaviors are not threatening or directed at you, you can respond calmly. For example, you could say, “Sorry but I don’t feel comfortable doing that,” or “Yes, I see you disagree with me, we’ll stop talking.”
- In case you feel the need to get out quickly, a simple “No” or “I can’t” will suffice. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your family members may react very strongly, but you are not obligated to satisfy their feelings.
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Practice non-violent communication. Violent communication is harmful communication, often through oppressive or manipulative language. You can get out of a co-dependent situation by practicing nonviolent communication. This can make violent communication ineffective, and you will avoid the control of codependency. [8] X Research Sources
- Nonviolent communication depends on you expressing your feelings without blaming or criticizing the other person, in addition, you must also express your needs in an empathetic and sharing manner.
- For example, instead of saying “I’ve always wanted to control you! Stop it!”, you could say, “When I hear you say that, I feel like I’m no longer free. It’s really self-defeating. It’s very important to me to make this decision. Can you let me do it?” Using sentences that begin with “You/I…” will help you state your point better without blaming or making your family member feel defensive.
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Separated for a longer period of time. If a family member’s codependency is controlling or suffocating your life, you may want to distance yourself from them in select ways. However, it will be better for you if you separate from them completely for a longer period of time. That could be one day or every year, depending on their behavior and your needs. [9] X Research Source
- In these situations, you can consider how much you want to separate from them. For example, you might determine that you don’t want to be around that person when no one else is around, or you simply feel like you don’t want to be around them at all.
- Always leave if you feel you may be in danger.
Maintain healthy relationships
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Be aware that changes will happen very slowly. Changing codependent behavior will be slow, but trust that your attitude can encourage change. However, keep in mind that this change will often involve facing extreme emotions and overcoming major fears. This is not easy and takes time.
- Initially, people with codependency may react with anger or rage. Do your best not to react to those emotional outbursts. Those are reactions that stem from fear and you shouldn’t let them affect you.
- If there are times when you feel confused, try not to get angry. Instead, take a deep breath and think carefully about what you’re going to say. If necessary, you can ask for permission to step outside for a minute until you are calm enough to return to the current situation.
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Focus on your own health and well-being. When dealing with a family member who is co-dependent, sometimes you forget about your own health. Don’t let their actions distract you from everyday tasks like work and school. In addition to your daily tasks, every day choose one thing to do for yourself and stick to it. [10] X Research Source
- For example, you could go for a jog and return to the hot tub in the evening. You should find things that both prioritize your health and help you relax and get rid of the stress that your family brings.
- These will become a form of self-care, and it’s very important as you face and free yourself from codependency.
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Treat others in the home as if they were emotionally mature. Just because one person in the family is codependent doesn’t mean everyone else is too. Don’t let the behavior of the codependent person affect how you interact with the rest of your family. Treat them as if they were emotionally mature, unless they give you a reason not to. [11] X Research Source
- For example, you can ask someone to help you out in the open instead of going through the whole process of separating to avoid manipulation.
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This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter Cplege in 2006 and works with clients to help transform their circumstances and lives.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,637 times.
Codependency is a behavior that people learn from each other, and it often happens in families. Once ingrained in xinxing, it can be passed down through the generations. In essence, codependency is a behavioral problem that affects a person’s ability to build healthy and mutually beneficial relationships. If someone in your family is codependent, you may feel suffocated or manipulated. Breaking this vicious circle can be quite difficult. You can get over it, though, as long as you recognize and separate yourself from codependent behaviors.
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