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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,062 times.
When children become difficult to talk to, parents and caregivers may feel stressed, and children show signs of sadness, fear, or confusion. Dealing with a stubborn child takes skill and strategy, but you can guide your child to learn better self-control, leaving both you and your child feeling calmer. Remember that the problem lies with the child’s behavior, not the child himself. Make sure that unruly children are aware that you love them and how you view them in a positive way even if they are disruptive. You should not hit or spank a child, nor should you shake or hit a young child.
Steps
Establish guidelines for dealing with disruptive behavior
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Set family rules. A top priority is to set rules for unruly or potentially dangerous behavior. [1] X Research Source If you are a regular caregiver, you can come up with your own principles. If your child spends a lot of time with other caregivers (parents, grandparents, or housekeepers), work with them to set guidelines.
- Make sure your guidelines are clear and simple. For example, with a child who has a aggression problem, the simple rule is “no fighting”.
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Give your child alternatives to bad behavior. Children need help replacing unwanted behavior with something new so they learn to control themselves. Depending on the type of behavior you’re dealing with, you can try one or several different alternatives.
- Stop, think, choose. Stop the child’s behavior, consider the problem you are thinking about, and consider the consequences for you and others before choosing the next course of action.
- Penalty sitting in place. Leave the room and let the child calm down for a few minutes before you return.
- Talk about your own thoughts. Tell someone you trust what you’re thinking by naming your feelings and the impact they have on you.
- Deep breath. Doing this will help if you’re getting too emotional. [2] X Research Source
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Identify meaningful rewards and punishments. Rewards are timely and meaningful when children follow the rules. The punishment you choose should be gentle, not hitting or spanking the child’s bottom. Punishment also needs to be age-appropriate. [3] X Research Sources
- Positive reinforcement of good behavior is highly effective. Meaningful rewards don’t have to be expensive toys or trips. Spending time playing games that your child enjoys can be rewarding. A compliment from you is also a meaningful reward for the child.
- When punishment needs to be used, punish gently. For older children, cutting back on pocket money or asking for extra chores can help. For younger children, a short period of sitting still (no more than one minute per year) is more appropriate.
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Spend time with your child discussing the rules. You don’t want your kids to get confused about what the rules mean or when it’s “counted” as a rule violation. Focus on what you want your child to do instead of the bad behavior. [4] X Research Sources
- For example, tell your child that instead of hitting someone, you want them to see you and let you know how angry they feel.
- Role play with your child uses a real-life situation in which the child becomes upset and behaves badly.
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Model the behaviors you want your child to perform. One way to help your child understand manners is by example. If you and your child agree that the best way to avoid hitting others is to spend a few minutes alone to calm down, you can try doing that in front of your child. [5] X Research Sources
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Implement the rule immediately and consistently. If the child violates, always use punishment and do it right away. If you slow down or only occasionally follow the rule, you’re unlikely to see a change in behavior in your child. Similarly, when your child follows a rule by performing a behavior that you and your child have agreed on, you need to reward them immediately. [6] X Research Sources
- Parents who don’t follow the rule consistently and quickly won’t see a change in their kids.
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Talk to caregivers about the rules. If your child is at home for the weekend with a parent or a helper after school, talk to them about the rule system that applies to the child. Unity among people will help children be more successful. [7] X Research Sources
Handling your child’s tantrums
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Understand the problem. Anger is a normal situation, especially in young children. This behavior can last for minutes or hours and is stressful for both the child and their caregivers. Children with tantrums may scream and cry, lie down, run around the house, or punch walls.
- A child’s tantrums stem from anything from being tired or hungry to being speechless or doing something difficult. [8] X Research Sources
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Stay calm when the tantrum starts. When your child has a tantrum, it’s important that you stay calm. If you get upset, it will only make the situation worse for both you and your baby. You need to know that these tantrums are normal in children and they will pass. [9] X Research Source
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Don’t give in and don’t argue or yell. Refusing to do what the child wants. Because this will help children understand that anger is effective, while what they need is to learn to recognize and express their existing emotions. Arguing and yelling doesn’t solve the problem. Although it can be frustrating when children have tantrums, arguing and shouting only creates a battle of strength. Calm is the most effective. [10] X Research Source
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Make sure your child is not in pain. When children, especially young children, have a tantrum, they can put themselves in danger. Make sure your child doesn’t hurt himself during such times. Watch children carefully. [11] X Research Source
- Make sure no one is hurt by the tantrum, such as another child nearby.
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Try talking calmly with your child. If your child is old enough to understand, approach him and calmly explain that you want him to stop doing so and take action to replace the negative behavior. [12] X Research Source
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Take the child to another safe and quiet place. If your child can’t stop, you can take him to a quiet place and ask him to be quiet for a minute. Once the child has complied, end the punishment. [13] X Research Source
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Show your love for your child when the tantrum is over. It is important that children feel loved after a tantrum. Stay calm and show love for the child, while praising the child for stopping being angry. [14] X Research Source
- Get rid of the object that angered your child and give him something easier to do. For example, if your child gets angry for not coloring a complicated picture, put the picture aside and replace it with an easier one. [15] X Research Source
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Prevent kids from throwing tantrums at home. Explore situations that make your child angry and spend time talking with them about how to recognize emotions. Make sure your child has age-appropriate toys and maintains a regular daily bedtime. [16] X Research Source
- You can also talk to your child about expressing feelings verbally or releasing anger in a more positive way.
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Prevent children from getting angry when they are not at home. If your child tends to tantrum when he goes out, don’t let him go out if he’s tired. Remember to bring snacks. Get your child involved in what you’re doing by telling them what’s going on. Help them feel like they’re actively participating in what you’re doing, even just standing in line at the bank. [17] X Research Source
Dealing with a rebellious child who is someone else’s child
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Be willing to talk to the child’s primary caregiver. Children, especially 5 years old and younger, often lack the ability to control emotions or behavior. Be prepared for misbehavior and out of control in your child, and talk to your child’s primary caregiver (e.g. mom or dad) about what to avoid, what rules your child already knows, and how. you follow the rule when the caregiver is not usually there.
- It’s important that caregivers, including you, follow the rules with your child in a consistent manner. Find out what rules kids must follow and how their parents want you to handle them when they break the rules. [18] X Research Sources
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Don’t try to be the “parent” of the child. Even if you want to do something a little different from what the child’s parents do, you should follow their guidelines. Children need to hear consistent messages about what you expect of them, and they want to see consistent consequences for breaking rules. Otherwise they will be embarrassed and may act more wrong.
- “Give-in” to a child’s demands, including things like eating too many sweets or not going to bed on time, can tire parents and confuse children. Children may respond positively to your consent at first, but their behavior will deteriorate quickly if you don’t set reasonable limits based on their parents’ guidance. [19] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
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Get your child involved in a variety of activities. Boredom is a common cause of misbehavior, so if you’re babysitting someone else, be sure to spend time with your child playing something fun. Keep your kids busy and they’ll have less chance of mischief. [20] X Research Source
- If possible, find out in advance what your child likes to do. Arts and crafts, favorite games or toys can be activities that appeal to children.
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Avoid letting your child get hungry or tired. Hunger and fatigue can also contribute to unruly behavior. Make sure you have the right snacks and ready-to-eat foods available, and that you know the meal times for young children. Children behave better when they get enough food and go to bed on time. [21] X Research Source
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Stay calm and apply discipline in a positive way. If your child misbehaves, it’s important that you stay calm, and then sit down to his or her height. Calmly tell your child what he or she did wrong. Then tell your child that you would like them to do something else instead. Remember to use the rules and punishments you discussed with the child’s parents. [22] X Research Source
- Never raise your voice or hit a child. You also must not shake or hit small children.
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Keep the angry child distracted and at ease. If your child is behaving beyond his tolerance, distracting and comforting is your next option. Hugs, favorite toys, teddy bears, snacks or new games are all things you can try to help your child feel more comfortable. [23] X Research Sources
Warning
- Never punish young children. Do not shake or hit small children. When your baby cries, it’s a sign he needs your attention, so get close and see what you can do to comfort him.
- If you’re a babysitter, don’t hit or spank your child. Ask your child’s primary caregiver (parent or guardian) if they can guide you on how to discipline them.
- There’s a lot of evidence that spanking has a negative effect and doesn’t work. Hitting or spanking a child’s bottom can cause physical and psychological harm.
X
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,062 times.
When children become difficult to talk to, parents and caregivers may feel stressed, and children show signs of sadness, fear, or confusion. Dealing with a stubborn child takes skill and strategy, but you can guide your child to learn better self-control, leaving both you and your child feeling calmer. Remember that the problem lies with the child’s behavior, not the child himself. Make sure your unruly kids are aware that you love them and how you view them in a positive way even if they’re disruptive. You should not hit or spank a child, nor should you shake or hit a young child.
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