How to Deal with a Controlling Spouse

Living with a controlling spouse can be exhausting. Controlling people often manage details, criticize, and limit their partner’s activities. Depending on the severity and frequency of your controlling behaviors, you should talk to your spouse to improve your marriage, or you can seek professional advice. If the behavior is excessive or doesn’t improve with advice, you may want to consider ending your relationship with a controlling person to regain your self-esteem.

Table of Contents

Handling small instances of controlling behavior

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Keep calm. For many people, arguments are a natural response to controlling behavior. Unfortunately, controlling people won’t stop fighting and won’t let you win an argument, so this will often only make matters worse. Instead of arguing, you should stay calm and in control. You can object to the other person’s opinion without shouting or disrespecting them. ^{[1] X Research Source}

If you find yourself unable to agree with your partner, consider saying something like, “I understand your point, but have you thought about this?” instead of saying “You’re wrong. Your opinion is more correct!”
In some cases, you may find that it’s best to agree with the other person, but you should agree without giving in to their controlling behavior. For example, you can actively make your own decisions while still considering your spouse’s opinion.

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Ask the other party to come up with a plan. In some cases, you can use your spouse’s controlling tendencies as a way to fix minor problems in your marriage. Explain the problem to them, and appeal to their desire for control by asking them to come up with a plan to solve the problem.

You need to be as specific as possible when describing the problem to the other person. For example, instead of saying “You’re an overly controlling person,” you should say, “I feel you’re in control of my actions and don’t trust me to get things done on my own.”
If the spouse refuses to admit that the problem exists, this will not work.

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Empathetic. When your partner wants or tries to manage you, try to see things from their point of view. Try to think about why the other person is acting like this, and try to understand. This will help you avoid getting angry when your spouse is controlling you. ^{[2] X Research Source}

This is a way to help you understand your partner’s behavior and be able to ignore small arguments, but never use this as an excuse for disrespecting you.

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Ask constructive questions. If the other person starts criticizing or questioning you, you need to quickly change the subject by asking intelligent questions. Ask questions that make the controlling spouse realize that their expectations are unreasonable and that their actions are unacceptable. For example, you could say, “Did you properly explain what you wanted me to do?” or “I’ll leave the house unless you learn to respect me. Is that what you want?” ^{[3] X Research Sources}

Avoid becoming obstinate, because it will only increase controlling behavior.

Overcoming repeated scenarios of controlling behavior

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Prepare yourself for rejection. Controlling people often don’t know they’re in control. The fact that many controlling people feel as though they are being controlled may explain why they feel the need to be assertive. If you are dealing with a spouse who has a habit of being overly controlling, you will have to convince them that it is they who are controlling, and this will take time. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

Show respect when speaking. If you want to save your marriage, you shouldn’t attack your partner’s personality. Instead, focus on pointing out what actions or situations make you upset.
Use as many examples as possible when explaining your point of “control”.

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Set limits. Once you’ve talked to your spouse about their controlling behavior, you’ll need to make it clear what you’re willing to forgive. Explain to the other person all the details of the type of behavior that needs to be corrected. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

You will need to create a list of the most serious problems and talk to your partner about specific things you can do to avoid future arguments.
Remember that your spouse may think you are the one in control, so be open to hearing the limits they suggest.

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Consequence agreement. Your partner will need constant reminders of your limits, so decide what kind of behavior will lead to consequences and what those consequences will be. This should only apply to offenses that cannot be reconciled. ^{[6] X Research Source}

For minor conflicts, the other side will need you to gently remind them of the established limits.
Consequences should not be abused. Withdraw privileges or care as a consequence for the slightest offense committed by a controlling person!
The consequences you set out need to be really serious. For example, you may decide to leave the house if your spouse does not make an effort to treat you with respect within the next month.

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Get expert advice. If your partner isn’t willing to admit controlling behavior, or if neither of you can handle the problem on your own, consider consulting a professional. Your spouse may need a professional to explain to them what controlling behavior is and how to overcome it. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

You can try couple therapy, as this will give you the opportunity to talk about your problems under the guidance of a marriage counselor.
The partner may also need personal therapy to help them recognize the reason for the controlling behavior, such as a lack of confidence or a traumatic childhood.

Take back control of your private life

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Don’t let yourself be isolated. Many controlling people often isolate their spouses by dominating their partner’s time or forbidding them from seeing friends. If this is the case, you need to fight for yourself and let them know that you won’t let your friendships be harmed. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

You have the right to be alone, so let your partner know if you need time to pursue your passions or just want to be yourself. Encouraging your spouse to pursue a hobby will make matters easier.
You should still spend time with your spouse if you want to improve your married life. Spend meaningful time together doing many interesting activities.

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Avoid criticizing yourself. If your controlling spouse is constantly criticizing you, you may begin to feel as though you’ve done something so reprehensible. You need to remind yourself that you deserve the best, and try not to criticize yourself. ^{[9] X Research Source}

Self-criticism will make you doubt your own abilities. If this has happened to you, remind yourself of the goals you once wanted to achieve and remove any negative thoughts your partner has planted in your head about your abilities. Taking small steps towards achieving these goals is a great way to start freeing yourself from a controlling spouse.

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Don’t feel guilty or in debt. Many control freaks use guilt to control their partner. If the other party takes advantage of this, you must understand that it is their way of managing you, and do not let it influence your decisions. ^{[10] X Research Source}

Some controlling spouses can make their partner feel guilty by complaining that they won’t be able to live if their partner leaves, or even threatening to do it themselves. harm yourself.
Others may make their spouse feel guilty by making them think they owe their spouse something for giving them a home to live in or loving them.

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Hold on to your beliefs. Many people control their partners by telling them what to think and what values to have. If you have different opinions and beliefs than your spouse, it is important that you fight for your rights to uphold those beliefs. ^{[11] X Research Source}

If you follow a different religion than your partner, maintain your independent faith by continuing to visit religious institutions alone or with loved ones.
If you have different political views than your spouse, vote based on your own beliefs.

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Be ready to let go of an unhappy relationship. In some cases, controlling behavior can be overcome and mutual respect will flourish, but you need to realize that this is not always the case. Often times, the controlling person can’t be changed easily, so you need to be willing to end the relationship if it hurts you. ^{[12] X Research Source}

There are specific behaviors that should not be tolerated. If your partner is physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually abusive to you, the best course of action is to end the relationship. If you need assistance, call the domestic violence hotline.

Steps

Handling small instances of controlling behavior

Overcoming repeated scenarios of controlling behavior

Take back control of your private life

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