How to Deal with a Cheating Spouse

Dealing with an unfaithful spouse is probably one of the hardest things you have to do. How to settle things smoothly, perhaps there is no suitable answer to this question. All you can do is talk to your spouse, listen to yourself, and decide whether to save the relationship. If you decide to handle the matter well, take it one step at a time and remember to take care of yourself.

Table of Contents

Know what not to do

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Don’t blame yourself. There’s not always a clear reason why your spouse is cheating, and you’re naturally inclined to blame yourself. Maybe you think you’ve become distant, or you’re not really open about your relationship. Perhaps you are too focused on work and not spending enough time with your partner. However, these could be reasons for your relationship to need more work, but you should know that nothing you do can cause your spouse to cheat, and you shouldn’t blame it. themselves for their mistakes.

Yes, you must be at fault to some extent and have to admit it. But you should never assume that your fault is the cause of your spouse’s infidelity.
If you focus too much on blaming yourself, you will unknowingly let the other person off the hook. So you also have to focus on how they behave.

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Don’t think much about the third person. If you want to go crazy soon then ask a million questions about that man or woman, spend hours following their Facebook page, or even follow up to catch this person in real life. You might think that finding out everything about them can help you realize what’s wrong with your relationship, but in reality it won’t give you any answers, even if it hurts more. . ^{[1] X Research Source}

When a spouse has an affair, a third person is rarely the cause of the problem. Unless your spouse believes that he/she really has had a meaningful relationship with a third person, in most cases, adultery is the betrayer’s way of expressing dissatisfaction with the other person. yourself or with your marriage. If you focus too much on the third person, you won’t be able to think about your spouse or your relationship.
While knowing a few things about the affair may put you at ease, you shouldn’t know too much about them, such as what they look like, what they do, or any other information. can distract you or make you feel bad about yourself. It’s simply not worth knowing.

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Don’t try to find a good reason for the problem. You often think you can move forward if you can find a reasonable explanation for your spouse’s infidelity, such as your husband’s feelings of despair since losing his job, or a third party regularly meeting with your spouse. untie your wife so she can’t control it, there’s no point in rationalizing the absurd. Acknowledge that you are hurt and need to find a way to move on with your life, but you shouldn’t think that giving your spouse an excuse for infidelity is the way to get there. ^{[2] X Research Source}

What made them decide to cheat on you can be very absurd. So you don’t need to spend too much time figuring out a perfect excuse for their betrayal, you should instead find a way to move on with your life.

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Don’t tell the world. Perhaps you are deeply hurt and very angry, you really want to tell all your family, friends, or even post on social media to release your feelings. However, if there is a situation where you want to reconcile and work things out, then you will have to face the different views people have for your spouse and your marriage throughout. rest of his life. Instead of telling everyone, you should only tell those close to you who can help you think through.

After telling people about your problem, you may feel relief at first, but then pain and regret. Maybe you don’t realize you’re not ready to accept people’s advice or judgment.
If you want to let close friends know about your spouse’s infidelity, be sure to do so cautiously when you’re not sure what you want to do. If your friends think you definitely have to leave the traitor, they’ll tell you a thousand things they don’t like about her/him, and it doesn’t really make you feel better, later on. can make you feel embarrassed if you choose to stay married.

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Don’t obsess too much about what friends or family think. Along with not telling everyone what happened, you also shouldn’t worry about what those who know about it think. While those close to you can give you helpful advice, in the end it’s all about figuring out what’s best for you, and you shouldn’t worry about what they think if you decide to give up or keep it. this marriage. After all, it doesn’t matter what people think, and you shouldn’t let their judgment cloud your decision-making abilities.

Talking to someone close to you will definitely help you gain strength, as well as a new perspective on your situation. In the end, getting their input can never replace your own.

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Don’t make big moves before thinking hard. Sometimes you think you have to collect your belongings or kick the traitor out of the house as soon as you find out about their deception, but you need to think more about this. Sure, you can avoid seeing your spouse for a while, but don’t say you want a divorce or immediately take drastic measures. Spend some time thinking about what happened, what’s best for you and your marriage, instead of doing things that you might regret later.

Immediately deciding not to see each other for a while can be a good thing, but you shouldn’t say you want a divorce as soon as you hear the news; Even if it’s what you really want in your heart, wait until your mind is clear before you make a definitive decision.

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Don’t punish your spouse. You may feel better about being cruel to them, taking away something they hold dear, or even having an affair for revenge, but this type of behavior doesn’t do you much good, nor does it improve. be relationship. Even though you’re hurt, just treat your spouse coldly and distance yourself for a while, and you shouldn’t intentionally make them feel miserable, or you’ll both suffer.

Punishing your spouse will only make you feel more bitter, and the relationship will increasingly come to a dead end. You may be able to avoid seeing them for a while, being more cold and aloof than usual, but being intentionally cruel won’t solve the problem.

Take the first steps

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Make your request. You should slowly think about what you want from your spouse before you start talking to them. Don’t start talking right away about them having an affair and then cry and make a fuss. Instead, you should spend time planning so your spouse knows what you expect of them if they want to stay in the relationship. The plan is not to punish but to move the two of you forward.

Let your partner know what they need to do for you to continue the marriage. This could be going to a mediator together or going alone, taking sustainable steps to rediscover the things you both enjoy doing together, spending time talking each night, or Sleep separately until you feel comfortable sharing a room.
If you’re planning on getting a divorce, hire an attorney as soon as possible. The sooner you do this, the better your bargaining position will be.

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Give yourself time. Whether you feel ready to forgive your spouse or let things go back to normal, it will take time to regain your trust and love for them. Even if both of you are determined to make up, it takes a long time for you to feel “normal” again because you haven’t been able to communicate well, and for you to feel loved for the person you’re married to. This is completely natural. You can get in trouble if you try to push things too quickly. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

You won’t be able to forgive them or feel like things went back to normal overnight. It may take months or even years for you to rebuild trust.
You also have to take things slowly. It may take days for you to feel comfortable sharing a bed with your spouse, going out to dinner with them, or doing the things you both enjoy doing together. Be mentally prepared for that.

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Speak out your feelings. Let your spouse know how you feel. Let her/him know your anger, hurt, feelings of betrayal and pain you’ve been through. Don’t hide and act like it’s no big deal; Let her/him see your pain and feelings. If you’re not honest and open about what you’re going through, you won’t be able to move forward together. Even though you feel shy or afraid to show your feelings, you really should.

If you’re nervous about confronting your spouse or afraid of not being able to say everything you want to say, you can write down what you want to share. That way you won’t get lost and forget what’s important to say.
If you’re too emotional to talk about what happened, wait a few days or so to talk openly and honestly about it. Of course, the conversation will probably never turn out to be completely pleasant, but it’s a good idea to take some time to regain your balance if you need to. That said, you shouldn’t put off this talk for too long.

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Ask questions you want answers to. Perhaps you want to know what your spouse has done. If you want to piece together the whole story, you can ask how many times they had an affair, when and how it happened, or even ask about the spouse’s feelings towards the third person. father. However, if you want a chance to mend the relationship, think twice before asking for information that you’re probably better off not knowing.

Ask questions that help you better visualize the situation of your marriage. However, you should avoid questions just to satisfy curiosity, because the answer can hurt you badly.

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Go get tested. It’s quite delicate, but both of you should get tested as soon as you find out that your spouse is having an affair. You cannot know what disease the third person has, and you do not know if you have contracted it. While your spouse insists this isn’t necessary, what you need to do is make sure you’re both safe.

Having experienced this, they will also understand the seriousness of their actions. Having them sleep with someone else while also sleeping with you puts you at risk, and it’s important for them to admit it.

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Listen to your spouse. Right now you are hurt, betrayed, angry and have a lot of emotions that you want to release, but you still have to sit and listen to your spouse. It’s hard to hear from them at this point, but if you want to get the hang of it and move the relationship forward, you have to hear their side of the story. Maybe you will know the emotions or frustrations they are going through but you didn’t realize before.

It’s not fair to assume that she/he doesn’t have the right to speak her mind, or to be emotional in all of this. Even though you’re not ready to face their feelings yet, you have to let her/him talk about how they feel if you want both of you to move forward.

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Improve daily communication. After the two of you start talking about the affair, you can try to improve the line of communication between the two of you. Remember to be open and honest, talk often, and avoid passive aggression as much as possible. This may seem impossible after what they’ve done, but the two of you still have to maintain good communication if the situation is to improve.

When you’re ready, make a point of meeting each other every day, setting aside all distractions, and discussing the state of the relationship. If you find this tiring and only recalling old feelings, you should talk more about the present and the future, avoiding the past.
It is important that you both pay attention to each other to know the other’s feelings. This is a time of caution and the two of you must focus on your relationship. If you don’t communicate well, it’s very difficult for the relationship to progress.
Try to express your feelings in sentences with the subject of “the speaker” such as “I feel sad when you don’t say hello to me after coming home from work”, instead of using sentences with the subject of “listener” such as ” I never noticed you when I got home from work”, because that way of saying it gives off a feeling of accusation.

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Determine if you want to resolve the issue amicably. Of course, after you start talking about the affair, you have to make an important decision: do you think you’ll forgive your spouse and rebuild the relationship, or do you just think there’s no chance. Which club for this? It’s important to be honest with yourself and think about whether it’s worth saving the relationship. The most important thing is that you need time and space to think carefully, avoid making any hasty decisions.

After giving them enough time to think, if you’ve talked to them, expressed your feelings, and heard their side of the story, then you can decide whether to save your marriage.
If you decide to forgive them, you have to work hard. If you think this relationship cannot be saved, it’s time to go through the divorce proceedings. With this decision you should consider the laws of your country and/or state – laws can vary greatly depending on where you live.

Rebuilding the relationship

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Do what’s best for you. No document or person can tell you what decision is best for you or your family. If you have young children, this decision becomes even more complicated. Even if you think there is only one right answer, in the end you will have to be honest with yourself and do what your heart tells you. It may take a while to find out the truth, but most importantly, it’s important to acknowledge that no one can force you to do or feel – much less your spouse. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

This thought scares you because it is likely that you will need a long time to find the answer. But if your heart is telling you something, you better listen.

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Choose to forgive. Remember that true forgiveness is an option you should consider, it’s not something out of your reach. If you are willing to forgive them, or even if you must try to forgive, then make a firm decision to do so. It’s not just about saying forgiveness, but the two of you need to work hard to achieve it. The first step is to acknowledge that you are trying to mend the relationship.

Be honest with your spouse about this. Don’t be vague about whether you accept forgiveness or not. Let them know you really want to rebuild the relationship.

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Make time for each other without letting the affair get in the way. If you want to rebuild your relationship, both of you should spend some quality time together without mentioning your spouse’s infidelity. Try to do the things you two usually do together, and avoid going to places that remind you of their affair. Make an effort to start over, making sure the relationship has a solid foundation through day-to-day activities and avoiding pushing the relationship too quickly. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

You can explore a new activity together, like hiking or cooking. This will help you have a new perspective on married life. However, you have to make sure that the other party doesn’t have to suffer or try too hard to participate in the activity.

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Take care of yourself. When dealing with a cheating spouse, you feel like taking care of yourself is just the last priority. Perhaps your mind is filled with complex emotions that prevent you from thinking about things like eating three meals a day, sunbathing, or getting enough rest. However, if you want to stay healthy during this difficult time to have the energy to heal the relationship, then that’s exactly what you have to do. Here are the things you need to maintain:

Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep every night. If you can’t sleep because you’re uncomfortable lying next to your spouse, don’t hesitate to discuss alternative sleeping arrangements.
Try to eat three healthy meals a day. Although you’re more likely to be tempted by unhealthy foods due to stress, like foods high in sugar, you should try to maintain a healthy diet to keep your spirits up. High-fat foods can make you feel sluggish.
Exercise for at least 30 minutes every day. This time is good for mental and physical health, it is a time when you can be alone and not think about your spouse cheating.
Write diary. Try to journal at least a few times per week to connect with your thoughts.
Do not isolate yourself. Spend more time with friends and family to feel like you’re still being cared for.

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Find advice. Not everyone wants to see a counselor, but you and your spouse should try if you want to mend your relationship. This may seem too embarrassing or too much for you to bear, but it’s really the best way to create a safe and comfortable space when you two share your feelings. Find a trusted counselor and do your best in mediation.

If this is important to you, make it clear to your spouse that consulting a counselor is required. Since they have violated your trust, they will do this for you.

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Reassure your children. If you have children, dealing with an abusive spouse will be even more complicated. Your children often feel the tension in the family, it is best to be honest and let them know the truth that you and your spouse are having problems. You don’t have to go into too much detail, saying that you’ve always loved them and that you and your husband are doing your best to work things out. ^{[6] X Research Source}

If you plan to end this marriage, you should not let them use your children to convince you to continue the relationship. They may argue that children will be happier if both parents are at home, which is not true if parents are always fighting or no longer care about each other.
Make time for your children, even if you are busy dealing with this difficult situation. Being with your children also makes you stronger.

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Know when to end a relationship. If you’ve tried your best to mend the relationship but still can’t forgive your spouse or aren’t seeing improvement, it’s time to end the relationship. Don’t be mad at yourself because you can’t forgive them, no matter how hard they try to regain their trust in you, because there are simply things that we cannot forgive. If you feel like you can’t continue the relationship after all the efforts to mend it, it’s time to make a decision to move on with your life.

Don’t get mad at yourself if you feel like you can’t forgive them. You tried, but it was your spouse who violated your trust first.
If you can go on with your life without them, don’t be ashamed to have “give up”. You’ve made the best choice for your relationship and family, and no one can judge that decision.

Advice

Sometimes you can look at your spouse’s phone and pick out one or two unknown numbers, then call those numbers with another number to see who answers.
It’s very likely that the third person’s number won’t be in the contacts list, so you won’t be able to tell who the number belongs to.

Warning

Do not act jealously so that they think you are following any information, or that you are speculating from something very normal. You should ask straightforward questions at first.
When talking to them, you should not appear to be curious, because the story will be turned in another direction and you will not be able to find out the truth.

Steps

Know what not to do

Take the first steps

Rebuilding the relationship

Advice

Warning

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