How to Deal with a Cheating Partner

There are hundreds of reasons people cheat on their partner or lover. But whatever the reason, infidelity is always painful and can separate two people forever. If your partner cheated on you and shows remorse for what he (she) did, there are steps you can take to continue the relationship. Keep reading to learn how to deal with a cheating spouse.

Table of Contents

Re-establish trust

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Understand the person’s deceptive nature. People cheat for many different reasons and not always because of sex. Sometimes people cheat out of a need for emotional connection, to try to work through a crisis or loss, or to find a way out. ^{[1] X Research Source}

Don’t assume that your partner is cheating just because of sex. You need to know what reason he (she) cheated on before handling the matter. Try saying something like, “I want to know why you cheated on me and who that person is. Please be honest with me and tell me what happened.”

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Ask your lover to stop communicating with the third person. To regain trust, you need to make sure the third person is out of the way. This means that you need to ask your lover to cut all ties with the other person. This can be difficult if the third person is a co-worker or they are in a location where your partner meets every day. So perhaps your lover even has to find another job to ensure that there is no more contact between the two of them. ^{[2] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

If your partner refuses to cut off contact with the other person, it could be a sign that he (she) has no intention of ending the relationship. If this is the case, you may not be able to mend the relationship.
If the third person continues to pursue you even though your partner has cut them off, the two of you can apply for a restraining order to make sure they don’t get close.

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Talk to your lover when you’re ready. You must be extremely distressed when you learn that your lover has an affair. In this case, you may need some time to calm down before you can talk to your partner about what happened. Talking to your partner about their love affair with a third person is important for you to continue the relationship, but don’t think you have to talk right away. Take it easy and only talk when you’re ready. ^{[3] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

If your partner is trying to force you to talk, say something like, “I understand what you mean, but right now I’m very sad and can’t talk about what happened. Can I prove my love by giving you some quiet time?”

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Set limits on relationships outside of marriage. If your partner has cheated in the past, it is likely that he or she will cheat again. You can help your partner stop an affair before it really develops by setting boundaries for outside relationships. In other words, you need to make sure the other person understands what’s acceptable and what’s not. You should also make sure your partner understands that there is some information that should not be disclosed to prevent the friendship from developing into a romantic relationship. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

For example, your partner shouldn’t talk to co-workers about you or your marital problems. Couples need to discuss with each other to make a list of possible and unacceptable topics when talking to colleagues.

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Ask your partner to tell you where they are all day long. To regain trust, your partner needs to understand that he or she has lost your trust. So you need to know where your lover is at all times. It may sound unfair to your lover, but this is necessary if they are determined to regain their trust in you. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

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Talk about your lover’s extramarital affairs, but set limits. Schedule 30 minutes each week to talk about it instead of spreading questions throughout the week. Don’t ask your partner to reveal details that might hurt you to hear, like about sex.

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Forgive according to your condition. Your partner may deeply regret and beg you to forgive, but you don’t necessarily have to forgive right away. It’s normal for you to need more time to heal before you forgive. For your partner to understand that, let them know that you are still very hurt and cannot forgive, and you need more time. ^{[6] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source}

Say things like, “I understand that you want to apologize, and I want you to know it too, but I’m not ready to forgive you just yet.”

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Seek help from a counselor. Facing a cheating spouse or partner alone can be difficult. If you find it difficult to go through this alone, seek the help of a counselor who is licensed and specializes in dealing with marriage and family issues. A marriage counselor can help you deal with emotional issues and establish more constructive conversations.

Remember that a marriage counselor will not provide an instant solution. Re-establishing trust takes time. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Build a better relationship

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Encourage your partner to be more open with you. Sharing your feelings with your partner more and encouraging them to reciprocate will help strengthen the bond between you two. Make it a habit to talk to each other every day. Some open-ended questions for you to confide in your partner might be:

“Remember when we used to walk around here and talk and take the dog with us? Can we try it again tonight… What do you think?”
“Things didn’t go well between the two of us yesterday, I want to try something else – can we start over? This time, I will be calm and listen more patiently. I also want to let you know what is good for me and I also want to know what you are looking forward to.”

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Caring for each other’s needs. To improve the relationship, both need to learn to understand each other’s desires. Talking is the best way to know what your lover needs and let them know your wishes.

If you’re not sure what your partner wants or needs, it’s best to ask and listen. If still unsure, ask more questions. For example, you could say something like, “I think what you need from me is ________. Is that what you mean?” ^{[8] X Research Sources}

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Appreciate each other. Showing mutual appreciation through sincere compliments is an important part of a good relationship. Make sure that you and your partner are aware of the importance of complimenting each other, and that you both know how to do it. Appropriate compliments should not only be sincere and specific, but should also be sentences with the subject “I” instead of the subject being the other person. ^{[9] X Research Source}

For example, if the other person cleans the kitchen, don’t say, ” You ‘re good at cleaning the kitchen.” Instead, say, “Thank you for cleaning up the kitchen.” Using a sentence with the subject instead of the other person can help the other person know how you feel, not just what.

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Ask your partner to commit to change. If you’ve decided to continue the relationship with your partner or lover, you should ask them to promise not to continue the same patterns of behavior that could lead to an affair. Ask the other person to articulate or even write down those patterns of behavior and commit to change. ^{[10] X Research Source}

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Set out the consequences if your partner has a crush on you again. Since there is a chance that the other person may cheat again, the two of you should work together to set conditions if it happens again. These consequences could be divorce, child custody or other consequences. You may need to write these agreements down and consult a lawyer to legalize them. ^{[11] X Research Source}

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Know when to end a relationship. If things don’t improve despite your best efforts and counseling, you may have to accept that the relationship is not salvageable. Signs that a relationship cannot be repaired include:

constant conflict
inability to connect with a partner
unable to sympathize or receive sympathy from your partner
suffering and anger that cannot be eased over time
unforgivable ^{[12] X Research Source}

Advice

If you’re struggling with emotions caused by your partner’s cheating, consider talking to a mental health professional to work through those feelings.

Warning

If your partner cheats on a regular basis or makes a second mistake despite showing remorse, you may be in a relationship with a playboy or sex addict. If that’s the case, you need to end the relationship and move on, otherwise you run the risk of continuing to get hurt because of your lover’s promiscuity. ^{[13] X Research Source}

Steps

Re-establish trust

Build a better relationship

Advice

Warning

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