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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 31 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 67,011 times.
In life, you are often taught to respect, be kind, and help others. However, there are times when others take your generosity and kind nature for granted, and expect or demand much more than what is fair and reasonable on your part. These people are constantly asking for your help without ever returning you or showing you respect. Once they cross this line, it can be difficult for you to speak up for yourself and establish an appropriate give and take process. If you feel like someone in your life is looking down on you, protect yourself and reset your boundaries.
Steps
Consider the Problem
- Doing this can be quite difficult if you’ve been taught to be “nice” in a passive way, and it means allowing others to “take you lightly” and tell you that you have no right to be. voice to protect yourself.
- For example, “Do good things without expecting anything in return”. While regularly being kind to others without expecting anything in return is a specific act of kindness, it doesn’t mean you should allow someone who is not responsible for money to borrow money from you.
- In particular, women are often supposed to be “nice” and speaking up for themselves will not be a sign of kindness.
- You should remember that sometimes you will be taken lightly . For example, parents often feel like they are being looked down upon by their children. Their children will have to go through different stages of adulthood, and sometimes, acting for their own good is just a normal and necessary action in the development process. of them. [2] X Research Source
- Recognizing and indulging in emotions are completely different. Focusing on a negative emotion without analyzing or trying to fix it can make you feel worse. [3] X Trusted Source PubMed Central Go to Source
- Anger or pain are natural emotions, and it’s fairly easy to allow them to take control of you. You should focus on maintaining a constructive attitude rather than taking your anger out on others.
- Research has shown that “feeling unappreciated” is a common reason employees want to quit. [6] X Research Source 81% of employees say their work motivation increases when their boss acknowledges their work. [7] X Research Sources
- Scientific research has also shown that lonely people are more likely to accept unfair treatment and allow others to take them lightly. [8] X Research Sources If you feel like you’re being taken lightly, it may be because you’re afraid that refusing to make a request will alienate people from you.
- Beware of “guessing” the thoughts or assumptions of other people’s motives. If you think you understand why the person is acting the way they do, you may well have guessed wrong. This action will cause you to make unfair and inaccurate assumptions.
- For example, you might feel like you’re being looked down upon because you often give your co-workers a ride, but they don’t repay you when your car breaks down. If you don’t tell Chau directly, you won’t be able to understand why. Maybe she’s a lousy and ungrateful person – or maybe she couldn’t help you that day because she had to go to the dentist, or maybe you didn’t make it clear to her. but give only a few vague suggestions.
- Try to think about a time when you started interacting with the person. What did they do to make you feel appreciated? What doesn’t happen like before? Did you change anything yourself? [10] X Research Source
- If you find that you’re being overlooked, it could be because you feel like your efforts aren’t being rewarded (for example, you didn’t get a raise, your effort on a project was not recognized). It could also be because you feel that you cannot participate in decision making. [11] X Research Source Think about what made you feel valued at work to find out what changed.
- In the absence of personality disorders or other problems, people will usually not treat each other badly. [13] X Credible Source Science Direct Go to the source Accusing someone of being a jerk, even if you think your opinion is quite reasonable, will provoke that person to react with anger in a bad way. When people feel like they’re being accused, they’ll often adopt a “let it all go” attitude.
- Think about your partner’s wants and needs. Do they change or not? [14] X Research Sources Research has shown that people sometimes use passive “avoidance techniques” such as not repaying and not responding to influence or appreciation once they no longer feel it. excited about the relationship but they don’t know how to get out of it. [15] X Research Source
Think About Your Role
- You always agree to anything that person (or any other person) asks of you, even if their request is inappropriate or quite inconvenient for you.
- You don’t want to refuse or ask the person to reconsider their request because you’re afraid they won’t like you or will criticize you.
- You don’t express your true feelings, thoughts, or beliefs.
- You express thoughts, needs, or feelings in an overly defensive or defensive manner (e.g., “If you don’t mind you could…” or “This is just my opinion, But…”).
- You think other people’s feelings, needs, and thoughts are more important than your own.
- You put yourself down in front of others (and you often do this with yourself).
- You think other people will only love or like you if you do what they want.
- You believe that it is essential to be loved and approved by everyone in your life.
- If other people don’t see you, you will see yourself as a “loser”, “worthless”, “useless” or “stupid”.
- You frequently use affirmations related to the word “must”, such as “I need to do everything that others ask” or “I need to always try to please others”.
- For example, you may believe that you are responsible for other people’s feelings (“the illusion of internal control”). This is a common cause of feeling slighted: you fear saying “no” will hurt the other person’s feelings, so you always say “yes” every time they ask for something. . However, you will not be helping yourself or others if you are not honest with your own limits. [19] X Research Source Saying “no” can be quite healthy and helpful.
- “Personalization” is a popular variation. When you personalize things, you’re making yourself the cause of something you’re not really responsible for. For example, imagine that your friend asks you to babysit for her so she can go to a job interview, but you have to go to an important event that you can’t change. change plans at that time. Personalizing this situation will make your friend feel guilty about the situation your friend is in, even though you are not entirely responsible for it. If you say “yes” even when you need to say “no,” it can leave you feeling unsatisfied, because you didn’t respect your own needs.
- “Exacerbation” happens when you allow your own view of the situation to get out of your control and shift toward the worst possible scenario. For example, maybe you feel slighted because you figure that if you speak up in front of your boss, you’ll get fired and you’ll end up living in a box. One thing is for sure, this situation will not happen!
- One of the beliefs that keeps you from failing and getting caught up in a cycle of feeling slighted is that you don’t deserve something different. Believing that others will alienate you if you go against them can make you cling to people who don’t contribute to your happiness or your growth. [20] X Research Source
- For example, if you feel slighted because your children only call you when they need money, think about how the interaction you would like it to happen. Do you want your children to call you every week? When they have a really good day? Do you want to give them money when they ask you? Do you want to give them money because you’re worried they won’t call if you don’t? You need to consider your own boundaries in order to present them to others.
- For example, you often give your lover a gift to show your love for that person, but that person doesn’t give you a gift. You feel unappreciated because you have formed an association between that person’s love and a particular act. However, your lover may still care about you but not through the specific action you are waiting for. [22] X Research Resources Talking to your partner can help you resolve misunderstandings.
- You can also observe how other people handle someone’s request. For example, if you feel like your boss is taking you lightly because he/she gives you extra work to do on the weekend, you can chat with your co-worker. How do they handle this request? Did they experience the negativity you were expecting that you would receive? Maybe it’s because you don’t stand up for yourself that you have tons of work to do.
- Communicate your needs openly and honestly. Use affirmative words starting with the subject “I”, such as “I want…” or “I don’t like…” [24] X Research Source
- Don’t be overly apologetic or condescending. You can absolutely say no. You don’t have to feel like you’re the one to blame because you turned down an offer you thought you wouldn’t be able to help.
- Being open about your needs can lead to some conflict, but it doesn’t always turn out in a negative way. Research has shown that when conflict is effectively handled, it can foster the development of several skills such as compromise, negotiation, and cooperation. [27] X Research Source
- Practicing assertiveness can help you deal with conflict better. Communicating assertively is associated with increased self-esteem. [28] X Research Source Believing that your own feelings and needs are as important as other people’s will allow you to deal with conflict without making you feel that you need to defend or attack them.
- Many people are able to make their own decisions to solve problems, perhaps with the help of friends or good mentors. Others feel that seeing a therapist or counselor is more effective. You can do whatever works best for you.
Treat Others
- For example, if a coworker asks you to buy coffee for her/him every time you go to Starbucks but never says they’ll pay, you could remind him/her of the cost of the cup. coffee when they turn to you next time. You don’t have to be abusive or aggressive; instead, you can say something friendly but clear such as “Do you want to give me money to pay for your coffee or do you want me to pay you this time and you will treat me next time?”.
- Keep calm. You may feel resentment, anger, or frustration, but you need to control your emotions. Although you are feeling the presence of countless negative emotions inside, focus on forming a calm attitude and letting the other person know that you are not losing control or attacking, but you are real. desire to solve problems.
- Use language that begins with the subject “I”. It’s easy to come up with statements like “you make me miserable” or “you’re a jerk,” but these will only put the other person on the defensive. Instead, explain how things work for you, and begin your sentences with phrases such as “I feel”, “I want”, “I need”, “I will”. and “From now on, I’ll do this”. [31] X Research Source
- If you’re worried that forcing yourself to stick to a certain boundary might make you look like you don’t want to help others, you can elaborate on your situation. For example, if your coworker asks you for help, you could say something like, “Usually I would like to help you with that project, but my son has to perform tonight and I don’t want to. miss this.” You can show others that you care about them without having to give in to their requests. [32] X Research Source
- Hostile or manipulative behavior should not be encouraged by accepting it as a positive. “Ignoring the insults” when someone abuses you will only encourage them to continue the behavior. Instead, express your displeasure at the behavior. [33] X Research Sources
- For example, if you feel like you’re being overlooked because no one is seeing your contribution to a team project, you could explain how your boss can remedy the situation. image. You could say something like “My name was not mentioned in that project. I feel like everything that I do is not appreciated by others. In the future, I would like you to name every member of the group.”
- Another example: if you feel that your partner is taking your love lightly because he/she is not expressing his/her feelings clearly, you can provide a few options: can help you feel that you are valued. You could say something like, “I know you don’t like flowers and chocolates, but I’d love for you to express your feelings for me every now and then in a way that makes you feel most comfortable. Even a simple text of the day can make him feel appreciated.”
- For example, if your partner is always forcing you to do the dishes and do the laundry, you could start with an empathetic statement: “ I know you care about me , but I always have to. As the person washing dishes and washing clothes, I feel more like a maid than your wife. I want you to help me with these tasks. We can take turns or do it together.”
- For example, imagine that you have a friend who often makes plans with you to do something and that person always cancels plans at the last minute. You begin to feel that you are being overlooked because you do not see your friend respecting the time you have spent with him/her. You might say something like this: [37] X Research Source“Mind, I want to talk to you about something that makes me feel uncomfortable. We often make plans to hang out together and you’re often the one to cancel at the last minute. I feel very frustrated because I can’t come up with new plans in such a short amount of time. I feel like you’re looking down on my time because I always agree to hang out with you every time you suggest it. Sometimes, I wonder if you cancel because you don’t want to see me. The next time we plan to do something together, I want you to put it on your planner so you don’t run into someone else’s appointment again. If you really want to cancel the appointment, I want you to call me a few minutes in advance.”
- Another example: “Mai, I want to talk to you about babysitting. A few days ago you asked me if I could babysit your son next week, and I said yes. I agreed because I cherish our friendship and I want you to know that I am there when you need it. However, I have had to babysit for you quite a few times this month, and I am starting to feel that you always come to me when you need someone to babysit for you. I would prefer that you ask a few other people to help you rather than always looking to me.”
- Stand up straight and maintain eye contact. Face the person you are talking to.
- Speak in a clear and polite voice. You don’t have to shout so others can hear you.
- Don’t giggle, squirm, or make a bad face. While these actions can help “smooth the situation” when you turn down an offer, they can make the other person think you’re joking and not serious about it. [39] X Research Sources
- Avoid building up complacency as you maintain your own boundaries by not over-justifying your actions. Too much explaining or emphasizing your point of view can make you look arrogant, even if you don’t really mean it. [41] X Research Source
- For example, if your neighbor keeps coming to your house to borrow certain tools and often won’t return them to you, you don’t have to give them a lengthy personal rights speech to get You can refuse every time they ask to borrow your belongings in the future. Just politely tell the person that you won’t lend them anything until they pay you back what they borrowed.
Advice
- Remember that you need to respect your own needs and those of others. You don’t have to bully others to stand up for yourself.
- Don’t make sacrifices for the benefit of others unless you can give them time, effort, money, etc. Otherwise, you could make them angry.
- Assertive but still friendly; You need to maintain a polite attitude. Being rude will only make others more hostile towards you.
- Thinking rationally and self-soothing your emotions can help a lot whenever you are forcing yourself to do something that someone else is asking for because you fear that you might lose your love. you with that person. Rational thinking helps you stop making decisions based on fear of how others will react.
- Directly ask what the other person is thinking and feeling. Don’t guess or make assumptions.
Warning
- Don’t confront someone you fear might turn violent. If you are worried that someone might react violently and you won’t be able to get away from them, you should seek help, such as seeking shelter, police station, counselor. , relatives or friends unrelated to that person, etc.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 31 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 67,011 times.
In life, you are often taught to respect, be kind, and help others. However, there are times when others take your generosity and kind nature for granted, and expect or demand much more than what is fair and reasonable on your part. These people are constantly asking for your help without ever returning you or showing you respect. Once they cross this line, it can be difficult for you to speak up for yourself and establish an appropriate give and take process. If you feel like someone in your life is looking down on you, protect yourself and reset your boundaries.
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