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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 63,198 times.
If you’ve broken someone’s trust, you may be wondering what you can do to make up for the discord. Whether you are in a romantic relationship, a great friendship, or a professional relationship, trust is one of the most important things. You can convince someone to trust you again. There are many ways to say sorry more effectively. And there are also a few ways that you can use actions to prove that you are trustworthy. You can build new and stronger relationships. This will take time and effort, but there are a few steps you can take to regain lost trust.
Steps
Say Sorry Effectively
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Gather thoughts. Chances are you’ll find it hard to make a defiant apology. Feeling anxious is normal. Take a little time to plan ahead and figure out what you want to say. [1] X Research Source
- Make a list of the main ideas. This list will include an apology, an admission of responsibility, and a statement of how you intend to make amends.
- Practice what you want to say. You can try saying sorry out loud while looking in the mirror.
- Ask for time to chat. Try saying: “Lan, I know you’re upset about me. Would you have time during the week for the two of us to sit down and talk?”.
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Express feelings. The first step to regaining trust from someone is to have a serious conversation. If you have done something wrong to someone, the proper way is to apologize. Start by stating how you feel. [2] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- If you’re trying to rebuild a friendship, tell your friend how you feel. You can say, “Son, I feel so bad for betraying your trust. I know this is going to be difficult, but I want us to work together to rebuild our friendship.”
- Clarify some intentions. If you’re sharing with your partner, try saying, “I want us to be able to trust each other and I’ll do anything to make this happen.”
- Be truth. Whatever you say while apologizing, make sure you mean it. Others may find out that you are lying and that will only damage the relationship further.
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In charge of. If you’re apologizing, then you did something wrong. To be able to regain trust from others, you need to prove that you know you were wrong. The apology should include an acknowledgment or some action. [3] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- Make it clear that you know you’re wrong. If you’re trying to regain trust from a professional relationship, you should use a few specific reference examples.
- Try saying, “I made the mistake of not proofreading those documents carefully. I knew it would cause a financial loss to the company.” This shows that you understand the consequences of your behavior.
- You should also give some specific examples when chatting with friends. For example, you could say, “Hey Giang, I was wrong to lie, I should have said I was late for work. If I was going out with other friends, I should have been honest and tell you that”.
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Actively listen. A constructive conversation is one where more than one person speaks. After expressing what you want, give the other person a chance to say it. Take a few steps to show you’re listening. [4] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- Use body language. Nod your head and make eye contact while the other person is talking.
- Repeat the main point. This shows that you are remembering what is being said.
- For example, you could say, “I heard you say you’ve lost faith in me and it will take time to rebuild it.”
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Write letter. Apologizing is always the best option. But unfortunately that is not always possible. Maybe you’re living away from your partner, or perhaps they’re just not ready to talk to you. If that’s the case for you, then you can try writing an apology letter. [5] X Research Sources
- Write a letter by hand. Handwritten letters are more private than email. Never send an important apology by text message.
- Edit the message. You may have to write a few drafts to get the tone and content right.
- The letter should be short and straight to the point. Try to write in 3 parts. The first paragraph can refer to the apology, the second paragraph should admit responsibility, and the last paragraph can describe how you want to solve the problem.
Use Actions to Build Trust
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Become trustworthy. Words are important when you’re trying to rebuild trust. Action is equally important. You can prove that you deserve to be trusted by being trustworthy. [6] X Research Sources
- Do what you say you will do. If you promise not to be late again, show that you’ve changed by being on time.
- Take the phone when you say you will. Remember, you’re trying to rebuild trust. Do something to limit everything you say you’ll do, even if it’s just making one phone call.
- Show that you can still be expected. If your boss asks you to submit some important paperwork, do it right away and on time.
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Allow others to have their own space. When you distrust someone, it can make both of you emotional. You may feel guilty and others may feel sad or angry. Remember that they may need some space to heal. [7] X Research Sources
- It is obvious that you want to resolve the situation quickly. But be respectful of others’ needs for space.
- You could try saying, “Ann, I really want to start our relationship. But I know you need some time.”
- Respect personal boundaries. If someone asks you not to call them for a few days, then give them the time they want.
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Practice using three A’s. If you’re trying to improve your romantic relationship, you may need to take more steps to show your partner how much you care. The three A’s include Affection, Attention and Appreciation. Find ways to demonstrate this feeling every day. [8] X Research Sources
- There are many ways to show love. For example, pay attention to actively hug your partner when they come home from work.
- You can take care by paying attention to some small things. If you find that the person needs coffee, make it without waiting until asked.
- Use words to express your appreciation for the other person. You could say something like, “I really appreciate the way you care about me.”
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Take on more responsibilities. The way to show that you are trustworthy is to put in extra effort. Whether you’re rebuilding trust in a personal relationship or at work, taking on more responsibilities is a great way to rebuild trust. This shows that you are willing to work hard. [9] X Trusted Source Harvard Business Review Go to Source
- Maybe you’re trying to convince your boss to trust you again. Volunteer to stay late if your boss needs someone to help with the month-end report.
- If you’re trying to rebuild trust in a friendship, consider taking the trouble to do some better. For example, bring lunch to friends knowing they are busy at work.
- Perhaps you are continuing to work hard for the sake of your relationship with your lover. Try washing the dishes or taking out the trash without waiting for them to ask.
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Be yourself. When trying to rebuild trust, it’s important to show your willingness to change. However, it’s also important to prove that you’re honest. Don’t try to completely change your personality. [10] X Research Source
- Changing too much will seem insincere. For example, if you’re trying to rebuild your parents’ trust, don’t suddenly start acting like a different kid.
- For example, maybe your parents want you to help them do more around the house. That doesn’t mean you should completely give up on going out with your friends. It just means that you should try to find a balance.
- Don’t try to change your personality. If you’re always joking with your friends, don’t give up on it right away. Being completely serious all the time will seem insincere.
Move forward
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Please be patient. When you first start this relationship, trust may not come immediately. Trust is formed over time. It is natural that when trust is broken, it takes time to rebuild. [11] X Research Source
- Don’t rush the process. Acknowledge that it may take time for others to start trusting you again.
- State your point of view. Try saying, “I know this process takes time. I understand. Take the time you need.”
- Do not focus too much on the situation encountered. This is important, but once you’ve apologized and started taking some steps to regain trust, you don’t have to dwell on the past.
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Acknowledge feelings. If you’re trying to mend a personal relationship, it may feel like a complicated process. Ability to recognize a wide range of emotions. Remember that other people can be emotional too. [12] X Research Source
- It is normal to have feelings of guilt, sadness, and disappointment. Allow yourself to feel a variety of emotions.
- Acknowledge your feelings and keep moving forward. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling a little guilty today. But I know I’m doing some things to atone, so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.”
- Understand that friends can also be going through a variety of emotions. They may feel hurt, angry, or sad. That is normal.
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Create a new relationship. When trust is compromised, you can mend the relationship. However, it is important to understand that some of the dynamics in a relationship can change. Be prepared to embrace a different relationship than before. [13] X Research Source
- Perhaps you have lost your boss’s trust. So you need to be willing to accept a lower level of responsibility at work than before for a period of time.
- If you’ve hurt trust in a romantic relationship, you may not be as intimate as you used to be. Your partner may not trust you, and some feelings of intimacy, for a while.
- Perhaps you are dealing with a damaged friendship. You may have to accept the fact that this friendship is much more superficial now than before.
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Prepare for several different results. If you lose someone’s trust, there’s still a good chance you can make up for it. But you should know that relationships can be hurt beyond the limits of compensation. Try to be mentally prepared to face a number of different outcomes. [14] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- Accept the fact that you still have to keep moving forward. If the other person no longer wants to be friends, then you cannot force them.
- Try to find and focus on the positive in life. Make a list of all the things you need to do for yourself.
- Make time for others. You should focus on strengthening some existing relationships.
Advice
- Don’t rush things. Understand that it takes time to build trust.
- Try not to be too harsh on yourself. Know that you are taking steps to help improve the situation.
- Always be honest. That is the most effective way to build trust.
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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 63,198 times.
If you’ve broken someone’s trust, you may be wondering what you can do to make up for the discord. Whether you are in a romantic relationship, a great friendship, or a professional relationship, trust is one of the most important things. You can convince someone to trust you again. There are many ways to say sorry more effectively. And there are also a few ways that you can use actions to prove that you are trustworthy. You can build new and stronger relationships. This will take time and effort, but there are a few steps you can take to regain lost trust.
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