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This article was co-written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a psychotherapist, author, and TV/radio presenter based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in family relationships, love marriage, depression, anxiety, gender, parenting and so on. Kelli also runs groups at The Villa. The Treatment Center is for people who are recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. As an author, she received the Next Generation Indie Book Award for “Living with ADHD: A True Book for Children” and she is also the author of “Profess Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” “. Kelli is the host of “The Dr. Debra and Therapist Kelli Show” on LA Talk Radio, you can see her work on Instagram @kellimillertherapy and www.kellimillertherapy.com.She received her Master of Arts degree. Sociology from the University of Pennsylvania and a bachelor’s degree in sociology/health from the University of Florida.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 95,298 times.
Any breakup that doesn’t hurt, even makes the people inside extremely miserable. If you’ve just broken up but feel like getting back together with your ex, here are some steps you can consider to resolve the issue. Unfortunately, not every step is easy. However that is not impossible. Read on to discover more.
Steps
Take time to think
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Consider your motivation. Breaking up is a difficult experience. After breaking up with a person, it is normal for you to miss the presence of that person by your side, to miss the sense of security that relationship may have given you. More than that, when you are alone after the breakup, you will feel lonely with pain that you don’t want at all. Therefore, your natural reflex right now is to just want things to go back to the way they were, at least feel familiar and comfortable in some way. [1] X Research Source
- Before you approach your ex, first sit down, soberly, and honestly consider why your relationship broke up and whether the motivation to get back together is really worth it. , or is it just a natural reflex.
- If your motivation for rekindling a relationship is rooted in reflexes or soft feelings, then don’t go any further. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself, calm down, and deal with the inevitable pain of a breakup like an adult.
- If your motivation in getting back with your ex is to save face with friends and family, to show everyone that you can win her back if you want to, or to take a chance get back at her, you stop. Those aren’t good incentives to pursue a relationship with anyone, and much less with an ex. You will only cause more pain and emotional damage to both of you. Instead, grit your teeth and decide to face your feelings in a mature way.
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Think hard about what caused your relationship to end. This step is important for two reasons: one, you should consider very carefully why you want to go back; and two, your relationship broke down for a reason, and if you want to reconnect, you have to be prepared to deal with it. [2] X Research Source
- Showing her that you’ve reflected on your relationship and learned from past mistakes will demonstrate that you’re serious and open to change. If you approach your ex with deep thoughts about past problems and a willingness to change, she is more likely to consider your relationship. You can say things like, “I’ve been thinking about why we broke up, maybe in part because I didn’t understand how disappointed you were when you were late, I felt like you didn’t see me. respect you, and I want to change that.”
- Admitting that you may have done something wrong shows that you value the relationship enough to accept responsibility, and that you’re not trying to get back on it just because of a fleeting emotion.
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Keep distance. The more you pursue her, especially right after a breakup, when she’s in need of some space, the less likely you are to reconnect with her. [3] X Research Sources
- Texting, calling, emailing, or any other attempt to get in the way of her life right after you break up is not only annoying, but it also shows how desperate you are. . When you cling and act childish like that, the more she sees that the decision to break up is wise.
- Try to wait for her to come to you on her own. Letting her come to you first has the advantage that you can gain control over yourself, and it also gives you the space to reopen the conversation about your relationship. If you keep trying to force your ex to talk before she’s ready, chances are she’ll back off, probably forever.
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Focus on yourself for a while. Don’t always obsess about the breakup or keep your mind wandering about reconnecting. Instead, take time for yourself. Get back to your favorite activities, hang out with friends, and re-acquaint yourself with who you are when you’re free again.
- You’ll probably find that you haven’t really lost much, and that your initial desire to reconnect was more emotional than rational.
- Don’t be afraid to live alone. One of the worst reasons why you might want to get back into your ex is because you’re afraid of being alone. That will bring disaster for both you and your partner, as well as the relationship between the two of you.
Approaching an ex-lover
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Correct action. Before you make a move to approach your ex, you need to make sure that she doesn’t have anyone else, and that you still have her most attention.
- If she’s dating someone else, don’t try to sabotage their relationship. Wait until she sees no one else.
- If you really care about your ex and her happiness, put aside any feelings of jealousy, resentment, or bitterness before you approach her again.
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Take advantage of the support network. If you’re sure your intentions are right, and if you’re on good terms with her friends, you might consider enlisting their help.
- But be careful – this could backfire if her friends decide against you instead of in favor. [4] X Research Sources
- However, with the help of her friends, they can be trusted allies to support your cause.
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Start slowly. Once you’ve spent enough time apart and are ready to contact her, move on naturally and without pressure.
- Don’t start off emotional like, “I really want us to get back together,” or as serious as, “We need to talk.”
- Act like you just want to see her again like a friend to see what the other person’s life is like, not to try to heal or rekindle past pain.
- Arrange the meeting in a neutral and pressure-free place. Suggest inviting her out for lunch or coffee. Avoid choosing places that evoke emotions for both of you, such as the coffee shop you frequent or the restaurant where you first went on a date. It sounds wise, but that will only spoil the encounter and will make her wary in the first place.
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Keep things natural. If the first meeting goes well and you both agree to meet again, aim for a similarly lighthearted situation. Say you’re looking forward to reconnecting with her as friends at this point, and you don’t expect that to mean you’ve resumed your old relationship.
- If after some time meeting in the light air and both feel the bond between the two of you is still strong, you can question the relationship, and whether the two of you want to explore the opportunity. get back together. You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking about our breakup all the time, and I think I understand why. Do you want to talk about this?”
- If she reacts negatively to your suggestion, back off. The more you try to push her when she doesn’t accept, the more you undermine your purpose. Wait a little longer and bring up the issue again when she seems more receptive. If she still doesn’t care, you have to compromise yourself that it may never happen.
Re-start the relationship
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Responsibility. If you want to restart the relationship, you need to first accept responsibility for the mistakes you may have made in the past. [5] X Research Sources
- Sit down together and agree to have a calm, mature conversation about past disagreements.
- Take responsibility for your mistakes and admit it openly. Don’t try to downplay or deny what you did wrong; instead, show that you have realized where you went wrong, and you will avoid such mistakes in the future. For example, you could say things like, “I know I’m not a good listener, and that’s my fault. I’m too worried about work (or study, or whatever), and I don’t care enough about you. I’m sorry, now I really want to change.”
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Focus on moving forward. It depends on whether or not you want to get back with your ex. [6] X Research Sources
- If you’re back with your ex, don’t dwell on past mistakes or waste time blaming each other for what happened. Instead, focus on discussing what each person wants in the relationship and what can be done to help each other achieve that desire. Focus on what you two want in the future instead of what you did or didn’t do in the past. For example, you could explain, “I see you seem annoyed when I go out with my friends, I think maybe it was because I warned you too quickly?” Then you come up with a way to solve the problem in the near future, for example at least five hours in advance when going out to play, etc.
- If you don’t succeed in getting your ex back together, don’t dwell on your failure or her unfair treatment of you. Learn from the pros and cons of the relationship and start a new life.
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Planning. If the two of you decide to give each other a chance, come up with an action plan to move forward.
- Determine specifically what each person needs and wants from the relationship. Ask her, “What do you want that you didn’t have before?” and “What do we need to do to help you get that?” Likewise, tell her what you need—but don’t blame her—and figure out how you both can help get it.
- Set reasonable expectations regarding your responsibility to meet those needs and wants.
- Agree to communicate regularly. The two of you should talk to each other from time to time about your relationship and how satisfied you are. It is very important to deal with issues candidly in a previous relationship that has had problems.
Advice
- Know that sometimes letting your ex stay in the past is the best option. While a breakup can be painful, sometimes getting back together can be even worse. Think carefully about whether you really want to go back, and if you fail, understand that you may be able to get rid of a lot of suffering. [7] X Research Sources
- If your ex is abusive in any way – physical, emotional or mental – never try to get back with that person. Absolutely never. [8] X Research Sources
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This article was co-written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a psychotherapist, author, and TV/radio presenter based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in family relationships, love marriage, depression, anxiety, gender, parenting and so on. Kelli also runs groups at The Villa. The Treatment Center is for people who are recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. As an author, she received the Next Generation Indie Book Award for “Living with ADHD: A True Book for Children” and she is also the author of “Profess Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” “. Kelli is the host of “The Dr. Debra and Therapist Kelli Show” on LA Talk Radio, you can see her work on Instagram @kellimillertherapy and www.kellimillertherapy.com.She received her Master of Arts degree. Sociology from the University of Pennsylvania and a bachelor’s degree in sociology/health from the University of Florida.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 95,298 times.
Any breakup that doesn’t hurt, even makes the people inside extremely miserable. If you’ve just broken up but feel like getting back together with your ex, here are some steps you can consider to resolve the issue. Unfortunately, not every step is easy. However that is not impossible. Read on to discover more.
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