How to Confront Your Spouse Who Despise You

A spouse with a condescending attitude will make you feel worthless, depressed, and sad. If your partner is putting you down in private or in front of others, this behavior needs to be addressed and changed. A marriage cannot survive if one person is always looking down on their partner, so be quick to recognize this behavior and find ways to make a change.

Table of Contents

Facing your life partner

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Determine the best time to talk to your spouse. A stressful time is not the best time to have a conversation, as anger can cause either of you to say something you regret. ^{[1] X Research Source}

Talk early as soon as the act of contempt occurs. If you leave things too long, you will forget and the details will become blurred. Sit down with your spouse a few days after the incident to clarify the issue.
Find a quiet place where the two of you can talk privately. Talking about this problem in front of your friends will make you hurt and your spouse will be seen as ridiculous.
Talk when the other person has had time to relax and entertain after work. You should wait until the children go to bed and after the two of you have rested comfortably.

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Speak up in a gentle tone of voice. Don’t take responsibility for your partner’s behavior, instead try to express your feelings calmly. Say you feel sad/angry/hurt when the other person doesn’t appreciate you.

For example, you could say something like, “I’m sad when you talk to me in that tone.” Or, “I’m angry when you underestimate my understanding.”
Avoid saying that the other person makes you feel a certain way because this can make them take a defensive stance. ^{[2] X Research Source}

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Use examples to make your point clear. You need to give a few specific examples when talking to your spouse about their behavior. Choose a recent example and specific thing they said or did.

For example, you could say, “Last night while we were having dinner, you said something disrespectful to me. You said it was a waste of time trying to explain to you my new project because you wouldn’t be able to. who can understand”.
Avoid choosing an example where you and/or the other party were drunk at the time, because the details may not be clear.

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Ask your spouse why they look down on you. Perhaps the other person behaves disrespectfully to you because of a lack of confidence or a feeling of incompetence. ^{[3] X Research Source} Understanding what causes your partner to behave rudely will make it easier to empathize with them and encourage them to start behaving more politely.

Try asking the other person to tell you why by asking, “I feel like you’re upset about something and not because of me. What’s wrong?”
For example, if the other person gets angry and looks down on you when you ask about their work, they are probably feeling a lack of confidence to do a good job. Although their behavior is deplorable, knowing the real cause of their rudeness will help you find a better solution to being together.

Assess the cause of the behavior

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Assess when your spouse started belittling you. You need to rethink whether recently your partner has started not taking you seriously or they have been disrespecting you during their time together. You can ask yourself a few questions like: Did you marry someone who looked down on you from the get-go, or did the disrespect appear after the two of you got married? Determine if this is new behavior or your partner’s attitude from the start, so you can figure out the best way to deal with their rude behavior.

Does the other person completely change after marriage? Did you not understand their true self or did they try to fake it before getting married to get you to register their marriage?
Does the new job affect the other person’s behavior? The pressure of work and the impatience to get a promotion are effects from work that can have a powerful effect on even the calmest person.
While this information can help you better understand what is causing your partner to disrespect you, when it comes to dealing with them, you need to focus on the issue and the current situation. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

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Determine if their behavior is context-specific. Examining when the other person makes disparaging remarks will help you understand if their disrespectful behavior is because did you do something. Do they only say those words in specific situations, like in a parenting discussion, for example? Or does it happen in many other cases? Limiting time and specific situations will help you identify behaviors or contexts that may trigger your partner. However, you should keep in mind that sometimes people don’t even know the motives for their behavior, so if you don’t find this helpful, just ignore it. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

If your spouse is belittling you in front of their co-workers, does this usually happen in front of their boss, peers, or subordinates (or everyone at the company)? How do they comment? Do they put you down when you try to give an opinion on what’s going on at the company?
Perhaps the other person feels scared or even embarrassed by your actions and fills in his true feelings with harsh and vulgar remarks. If so, focus on pointing out their offensive behavior in this particular instance.
Are you always on guard when you and your spouse are with your family and friends? Are you always being “looked down” by your partner when you are with their family and friends?

Making a difference

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Watch out for signs of psychological abuse. Abuse can take many forms and it is not easy to recognize an abusive person. Here are a few subtle signs of emotional or psychological abuse: ^{[9] X Research Source}

Saying things that make you feel guilty
Humiliating you on purpose
Criticize you often
Ignore you
Having an affair or openly flirting with the opposite sex
Talk to you in a sarcastic tone or make fun of you
Say “I love you, but…”
Trying to control you by isolating, using money, or threatening you
Constantly texting or calling you when you’re not around

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Protect children. If your spouse is also emotionally abusive and belittling your children, you should be proactive in protecting your child during this sensitive period of development. You can follow the suggestions below: ^{[10] X Research Sources}

Sincerely love your child to make up for the abuse the child has suffered. Tell your child how much you love him and take good care of him.
Explain to your child that when people are angry, they say things they don’t really think.
Help your child understand that what others say about you is not always true, even if it is what you say. What matters is how you feel about yourself.
Contact social services for help if you are experiencing severe or prolonged emotional abuse.
Tell your partner that they are emotionally abusive to your child and that it is wrong, and that if they don’t stop, you will end the relationship with them to take care of the child yourself.

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Chat with friends and family. Friends and family can give you support and advice when the relationship is in crisis. You should try talking to friends and family about what happened. Ask them for advice on what to do and where to ask for help.

You can even stay with a friend or family member until you find a solution and find a place to live. Perhaps this is the best thing you need to do. If you have children, you should help them stay away from an abusive spouse.

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Get expert advice. Tell your spouse you want to seek couples therapy. This therapy will help the two of you make positive changes in your troubled relationship. ^{[11] X Research Sources} When in a safe place, you can frankly say that your partner’s belittling behavior is wrong and needs to be changed.

Let your partner know that seeing a counselor is important to you, so if they don’t want to try this, you’ll end the relationship.
To find a mental health professional in your area, visit this page: http://locator.apa.org/

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Speak privately with a consultant. Meeting with a counselor can help you become more assertive and determine if you want to continue the relationship or move on. If your partner doesn’t attend couples therapy with you, you should also talk to a counselor privately.

Try to find a counselor who has experience dealing with situations similar to yours.

Advice

While you may want to shut up and deal with passive aggression, do your best to have an open conversation.
Seek counseling if your spouse needs someone to intervene so they can openly talk about their behavior.

Warning

When your partner is abusive, call 911 or the domestic violence hotline 1−800−799−7233 if you live in the United States. In Vietnam, you should call the hotline of the police rapid response force.

Steps

Facing your life partner

Assess the cause of the behavior

Making a difference

Advice

Warning

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