How to Comfort Someone Who’s Sad

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This article was co-written by Tracy Carver, PhD. Tracy Carver is an award-winning psychologist living in Austin, Texas. Carver specializes in counseling on issues related to self-esteem, anxiety and depression. She holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, a master’s degree in educational psychology, and a doctorate in counseling psychology from the University of Texas at Austin. Carver also completed an internship in clinical psychology at Harvard University School of Medicine. She was named one of the best mental health professionals in Austin by Austin Fit Magazine for four years in a row. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights and KVUE (ABC News’ Austin affiliate).

There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.

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Comforting someone who is upset can make you feel helpless. In most situations, there’s nothing you can do physically to help the person. However, simply being present and willing to listen is the most important measure you can take.

Table of Contents

Know what to say

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Inspire conversation. Let the person know that you notice they are upset and that you are there to listen. If you don’t know the person well, you can state why you want to help them. ^{[1] X Research Source}

For example, if you know the person, you could say, “I see you’re having a hard time. Would you like to share it with me?”.
If you don’t know the person well, you can say, “Hi, my name is Chau. I’m also a student at the school, and I see you crying. I know I’m just a stranger, but what if you want, I’m willing to listen to the problem that’s bothering you.”

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Be truth. This means you’ll probably want to circle around when you know what’s going on. If the person’s loved one has just passed away or if they’ve just broken up with someone they really care about, you may not want to talk about the matter in person because you’re afraid you’ll hurt the person even more. However, the person knows well what is going on and is probably thinking about the situation as well. Straightforwardly asking about it will let the person know that you care and are willing to deal with the problem without embellishing it, and this can provide some relief. ^{[2] X Research Source}

For example, you could say something like, “I heard your father just died. You must be heartbroken. Would you like to talk about this?”.

Learn to listen attentively

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Understand that the person wants to be heard. Most of the time, the person who is crying or sad just wants to be heard. Don’t interrupt them and don’t offer solutions. ^{[6] X Research Source}

You can offer them solutions as the conversation nears its end, but in the beginning, you should just focus on listening to them. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

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Express understanding. One way to listen attentively is to repeat what the other person is saying. Meaning, you can say, “I heard you say you’re upset because your friend isn’t paying attention to you”. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

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Don’t let yourself be distracted. Stay focused on the conversation. Turn off the TV. Stop being glued to your cell phone. ^{[9] X Research Source}

Part of the process of staying focused is that you shouldn’t daydream either. Also, don’t just sit there and try to think about the next thing you need to say. Be really attentive to what the other person is sharing.

finished the conversation

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Acknowledge your own helplessness. Most people feel helpless in the face of someone who is struggling. This is a natural feeling, and you won’t know what to say to the person. However, you just need to acknowledge the truth and tell the person that you are always there for him or her is more than enough. ^{[12] X Research Source}

For example, you could say, “I’m so sorry you’re having this problem. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, and I know that no words can help you. But I want you to know that I’ll be there when you need me.”

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Give the person a hug. If you feel comfortable, you can give the person a hug. However, it is better to consult with them first, because many people dislike physical contact, especially if they have experienced some form of trauma. ^{[13] X Research Source}

For example, you could say “Can I give you a hug or not?”.

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Learn about the next step. While you can’t always find a solution to a problem that’s bothering someone, sometimes, just making a plan can help them feel better. So it’s time to suggest a solution if they don’t know what to do; If they know what to do, you should encourage them to share it and plan the next thing they want to do. ^{[14] X Research Source}

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Talk about therapy. If your friend is going through a lot of problems, you can find out if they think they should see a counselor. Unfortunately, this process is often accompanied by a lot of social stigma, but if your friend has been struggling for a long time, they are better off talking to a professional. ^{[15] X Research Source}

Of course, discrimination in treatment with counselors is irrational. You may even have to convince your friend that it’s completely normal to see a counselor. You can deal with stigma by letting the person know that you won’t change your view of them even if they need help.

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Find out if there’s anything you can do. Whether that person wants to talk to you every week or simply go out to lunch once in a while, you can help. You will also greatly benefit them by asking to assist them with a difficult task, such as helping that person prepare a death certificate for a loved one. You just need to talk openly to determine if they need help with a particular task.

If the person seems hesitant about asking for your help, you can offer specific suggestions. For example, you could say, “I’d love to help. For example, I can drive you somewhere if you need to, or I can bring food to your house. You can just tell me you are. need”.

Warning

Don’t force people to talk if they don’t want to. They need to be ready to open up to others first.

Steps

Know what to say

Learn to listen attentively

finished the conversation

Warning

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