How to Comfort Others When You Can’t Do Anything But Comfort

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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.

There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.

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One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone you love is in pain but there’s nothing you can do for them. What will you say when you can only watch helplessly as the person you love is holding your head and struggling with the burdens of life? You probably won’t be able to get rid of their pain or disappointment. But you can show concern and sympathy. Never think that you can’t do anything – sometimes, a small act of friendship can go a long way.

Table of Contents

Direct comfort

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Hug the person, if possible. Body contact is the universal language and also the first language of mankind. If the person you love is going through a difficult time, you can give them a big hug. It sounds simple, but for someone who is sad, scared or distressed, a warm act can be quite comforting and can even ease the strain on the cardiovascular system. ^{[1] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source} Reduced stress response results, research has shown that hugging another person helps reduce that person’s chances of getting sick. ^{[2] X Research Source}

You should ask for permission first to make sure that hugging is the right course of action to comfort the person; Some people don’t like this kind of physical contact.
Hug the person and rub their back. If the person cries, let them cry on your shoulder.

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Encourage the person to express his or her feelings. If you notice that the person you love seems to be trying to suppress their feelings, you should say that they can express them. Many people feel guilty about expressing negative emotions. Others fear being seen as “weak”. You should let the person know that you want them to be true to how you feel, and that you won’t judge them.

Say something like, “Perhaps you’re going through a tough time right now, and I want you to know that I’m here to listen if you want to vent,” or “If you want to cry, keep crying”.
Psychologists assert that experiencing negative emotions is just as important as feeling positive. Negative emotions teach us much about the natural ups and downs of life. So, expressing negative feelings, as opposed to suppressing them, can be a useful tool for overall mental health. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

Comfort from afar

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Contact them. You should call that friend and express your grief over everything they are going through. Don’t get upset if the person doesn’t answer your call right away. Maybe they don’t want to talk, or maybe they’re comforting their loved one. They will call you back when they can. Meanwhile, all you have to do is send your regards to their voicemail.

You can say, “Hey, X, I’m sorry about what happened. I know you’re either busy or don’t want to talk right now. But I wanted to call you to say I’m thinking about you. And I’ll always be there if you need me.”
Many people don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving or frustrated, so they choose not to say anything. ^{[7] X Research Source} Even if you don’t know what to say, the person will be grateful that you care about them and realize how important the problem they are facing is.

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Please call to inquire. Often, when someone is grieving, the other person will say “call me if you need to”. If the person calls, they will feel as if they are a burden to you, and as such, they will never call. A better approach is to state a specific time when you will call so that the person knows they can count on you.

Send a text message or assure the person that you will call often to check in. For example, you could say something like, “I’ll call you back Tuesday after work to check on you.”

Avoid annoying them

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Don’t pretend that you understand everything. You should know that different people will react differently to situations in life. Even if you’ve been through something similar to this friend, you should avoid saying things like, “Oh, after a while I don’t feel so bad at all. When I encountered this before, I ___”. Your partner wants you to acknowledge how they feel, not minimize it. Instead, you should show empathy.

Empathy involves acknowledging the other person’s painful feelings by putting yourself in their shoes. ^{[10] X Research Sources} Even if you think you know that feeling well, you should avoid generalizing. For that person, this is quite a new, unfair, and painful experience. To provide support and understanding, you should say, “I see that you are suffering. I wish I could do something for you.”

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Advice should not be provided. When we notice that someone we love is suffering, the usual response is to look for solutions. However, in some cases, the only factor that can reduce pain is time or hope. Of course, you may feel helpless about not being able to help your friend in a practical way, but they will appreciate your presence more than your advice. ^{[11] X Research Source}

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Do not make empty statements. ^{[12] X Research Sources} In difficult times, people often seek out a tasteless statement that does not provide any comfort but only makes the situation worse. You should avoid saying non-supportive words, copying exactly the template of a greeting card: ^{[13] X Research Source}

Everything happens for a reason
Time will heal all wounds
This has to happen
Things could have been worse
Whatever is in the past, let it pass
The more things change, the more they will return to the way they were

Advice

Don’t be discouraged. Be strong for that person – you won’t be able to help them if you feel depressed too.
Avoid taking on too much work. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of anyone. Don’t upset yourself or get tired of other people’s lives. You should keep a balance so that you can still actively help them and still allow them to heal on their own terms.
Be careful with the words you use because the person in a situation like this will be quite sensitive. Actions you should avoid are dismissing their feelings or difficulties, becoming too rigid, being too outspoken, or not listening.
Reassure and tell the person about how much love people have for them.
Don’t judge that person. Even if you think this is no big deal. You should allow the person time to recover on their own terms.

Warning

Sometimes, people don’t want to cuddle, talk, or be around other people. In this case, let the person calm down and think about the best way to approach them.

Steps

Direct comfort

Comfort from afar

Avoid annoying them

Advice

Warning

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